Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
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I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
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Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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