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I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
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