Texts From Last Night · maykay299's Favorites

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(850): View more from Florida

Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.

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(850): Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made. http://tfl.nu/7051

Replies (5) Good night (1426) Bad night (237)
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(850): View more from Florida

She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next

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(850): She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next http://tfl.nu/slhn

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(314): View more from Missouri

The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.

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(314): The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder. http://tfl.nu/bkbj

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL

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(201): I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL http://tfl.nu/z2bq

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(517): View more from Michigan

Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?

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(517): Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night? http://tfl.nu/i8wb

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(509): View more from Washington

first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.

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(509): first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off. http://tfl.nu/heya

Replies (6) Good night (224) Bad night (972)
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(406): View more from Montana

I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina

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(406): I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina http://tfl.nu/3xqs

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(773): View more from Illinois

WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.

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(773): WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY. http://tfl.nu/ad4l

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(574): View more from Indiana

I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.

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(574): I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus. http://tfl.nu/ya8h

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(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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(859): she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery? http://tfl.nu/4aiq

Replies (23) Good night (5846) Bad night (425)
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(217): View more from Illinois

Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities

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(217): Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities http://tfl.nu/y8n2

Replies (2) Good night (1955) Bad night (836) Order T-Shirt
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Wait

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(617): I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship (617): Wait http://tfl.nu/k9zo

Replies (5) Good night (1958) Bad night (432)
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(206): View more from Washington

LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.

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(206): LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat. http://tfl.nu/zl1y

Replies (6) Good night (1998) Bad night (421) Order T-Shirt
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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?

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(814): Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke? http://tfl.nu/jbqp

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.

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(414): Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests. http://tfl.nu/dptn

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle

(859): View more from Kentucky

Guys should not giggle. Ever.

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(859): Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean? (1-859): im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle (859): Guys should not giggle. Ever. http://tfl.nu/p9xa

Replies (22) Good night (2729) Bad night (412)
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(513): View more from Ohio

So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.

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(513): So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks. http://tfl.nu/ufdq

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(480): View more from Arizona

I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet

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(480): I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet http://tfl.nu/9wvg

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole

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(901): I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole http://tfl.nu/4rln

Replies (12) Good night (5176) Bad night (916)
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(804): View more from Virginia

I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.

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(804): I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast. http://tfl.nu/dcvd

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(720): View more from Colorado

This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.

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(720): This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread. http://tfl.nu/5lzr

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(214): View more from Texas

I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...

(1-214): View more from Texas

Mike i'm at church right now...

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(214): I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis... (1-214): Mike i'm at church right now... http://tfl.nu/uslc

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.

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(615): i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at. http://tfl.nu/fdq1

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(641): View more from Iowa

We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.

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(641): We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard. http://tfl.nu/xmhj

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(518): View more from New York

im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'

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(518): im in his phone as 'great ass to tap' http://tfl.nu/xhkl

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(813): View more from Florida

One blow job doesn not make me gay.

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(813): One blow job doesn not make me gay. http://tfl.nu/ismv

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.

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(860): My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you. http://tfl.nu/g8rz

Replies (4) Good night (3557) Bad night (891)
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(208): View more from Idaho

I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.

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(208): I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome. http://tfl.nu/laeb

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(925): View more from California

"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.

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(925): "Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God. http://tfl.nu/18zl

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..

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(843): Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming.. http://tfl.nu/kfd5

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(806): View more from Texas

He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.

(1-806): View more from Texas

I feel like you never had a virginity..

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(806): He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to. (1-806): I feel like you never had a virginity.. http://tfl.nu/77ey

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(334): View more from Alabama

i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face

(1-334): View more from Alabama

so you're single again?

(334): View more from Alabama

yea but it was worth it

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(334): i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face (1-334): so you're single again? (334): yea but it was worth it http://tfl.nu/2tzr

Replies (46) Good night (4609) Bad night (733)
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(313): View more from Michigan

Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.

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(313): Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup. http://tfl.nu/5rlq

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(347): View more from New York

i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning

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(347): i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning http://tfl.nu/jabd

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(615): View more from Tennessee

arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life

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(615): arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life http://tfl.nu/ewvo

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(917): View more from New York City

I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike

(1-917): View more from New York City

this is mike. we're done.

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(917): I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike (1-917): this is mike. we're done. http://tfl.nu/abns

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.

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(250): You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye. http://tfl.nu/8nzh

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(207): View more from Maine

Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?

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(207): Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this? http://tfl.nu/g5cp

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(520): View more from Arizona

I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour

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(520): I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour http://tfl.nu/ht3n

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(831): View more from California

There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy

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(831): There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy http://tfl.nu/iwg7

Replies (6) Good night (1999) Bad night (407) Order T-Shirt
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(302): View more from Delaware

I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.

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(302): I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me. http://tfl.nu/pfoh

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(240): View more from Maryland

There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.

(443): View more from Maryland

So glad I found your sister.

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(240): There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find. (443): So glad I found your sister. http://tfl.nu/p3yp

Replies (36) Good night (9403) Bad night (948)
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(718): View more from New York

I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.

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(718): I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed. http://tfl.nu/ihm6

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one

(609): View more from New Jersey

ravioli

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(609): So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up (1-609): i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one (609): ravioli http://tfl.nu/eoaw

Replies (38) Good night (4740) Bad night (2413)
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(740): View more from Ohio

As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.

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(740): As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there. http://tfl.nu/knxy

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(250): View more from British Columbia

After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all

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(250): After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all http://tfl.nu/42sy

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

apparently i was cut off before i even walked in

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(405): apparently i was cut off before i even walked in http://tfl.nu/ukez

Replies (2) Good night (2007) Bad night (809) Order T-Shirt
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(301): View more from Maryland

I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

(704): View more from North Carolina

How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

(301): View more from Maryland

Salt in an open wound right now.

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(301): I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job. (704): How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore? (301): Salt in an open wound right now. http://tfl.nu/m9a1

Replies (16) Good night (1268) Bad night (4768)
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(919): View more from North Carolina

Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.

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(919): Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time. http://tfl.nu/r3pt

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(845): View more from New York

puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.

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(845): puked in the new hous. now it's officially home. http://tfl.nu/sb2t

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(740): View more from Ohio

at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!

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(740): at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!! http://tfl.nu/mp48

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(559): View more from California

you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you

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(559): you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you http://tfl.nu/hdb5

Replies (17) Good night (699) Bad night (3769)
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(319): View more from Iowa

True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes

(847): View more from Illinois

And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.

(319): View more from Iowa

At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.

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(319): True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes (847): And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me. (319): At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements. http://tfl.nu/k3x0

Replies (32) Good night (4165) Bad night (363)
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(970): View more from Colorado

I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.

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(970): I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie. http://tfl.nu/haj1

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.

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(859): i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far. http://tfl.nu/eadn

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it

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(814): well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it http://tfl.nu/ljcc

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(509): View more from Washington

def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.

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(509): def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout. http://tfl.nu/bt4a

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(732): View more from New Jersey

So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"

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(732): So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?" http://tfl.nu/5x5l

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"

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(202): All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad" http://tfl.nu/wm4r

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(509): View more from Washington

Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...

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(509): Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place... http://tfl.nu/dgik

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.

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(+64): Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking. http://tfl.nu/52no

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.

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(862): Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her. http://tfl.nu/mnen

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(443): View more from Maryland

i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country

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(443): i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country http://tfl.nu/m3r6

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.

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(709): You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese. http://tfl.nu/dujc

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.

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(724): For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you. http://tfl.nu/dykx

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(941): View more from Florida

Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.

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(941): Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything. http://tfl.nu/u3ar

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.

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(203): I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup. http://tfl.nu/cqod

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(512): View more from Texas

her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"

(1-512): View more from Texas

you motherfucker

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(512): her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening" (1-512): you motherfucker http://tfl.nu/runr

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(760): View more from California

And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist

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(760): And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist http://tfl.nu/o8qq

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.

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(902): I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits. http://tfl.nu/t5fo

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?

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(814): Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison? http://tfl.nu/qn7s

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing

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(605): Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing http://tfl.nu/3itv

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level

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(780): they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level http://tfl.nu/15nb

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(914): View more from New York

We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.

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(914): We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial. http://tfl.nu/6p87

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.

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(228): I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too. http://tfl.nu/itca

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(876): View more from Jamaica

you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom

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(876): you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom http://tfl.nu/vb0z

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(916): View more from California

My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.

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(916): My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded. http://tfl.nu/57ez

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(509): View more from Washington

woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach

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(509): woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach http://tfl.nu/ylv0

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(630): View more from Illinois

I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.

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(630): I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate. http://tfl.nu/tob7

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.

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(202): Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke. http://tfl.nu/as75

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(205): I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face. http://tfl.nu/ce47

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(541): View more from Oregon

Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?

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(541): Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone? http://tfl.nu/1eib

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(859): View more from Kentucky

So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.

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(859): So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form. http://tfl.nu/if3v

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(916): View more from California

This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here

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(916): This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here http://tfl.nu/hb41

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(352): View more from Florida

dude they were twins that means they were both only 17

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(352): dude they were twins that means they were both only 17 http://tfl.nu/sodj

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(651): View more from Minnesota

nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.

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(651): nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list. http://tfl.nu/o8v1

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(201): View more from New Jersey

So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...

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(201): So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone... http://tfl.nu/fbxy

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(541): View more from Oregon

I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.

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(541): I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall. http://tfl.nu/64r1

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there

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(570): I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there http://tfl.nu/1aoc

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(913): View more from Kansas

You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.

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(913): You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes. http://tfl.nu/5pct

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."

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(615): I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do." http://tfl.nu/0gsj

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen

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(919): i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen http://tfl.nu/az2y

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(239): View more from Florida

gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.

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(239): gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me. http://tfl.nu/wt0v

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(+91): View more from India

Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.

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(+91): Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not. http://tfl.nu/eg4c

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(586): View more from Michigan

The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"

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(586): The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain" http://tfl.nu/88as

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(313): View more from Michigan

Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata

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(313): Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata http://tfl.nu/0yl6

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(416): View more from Toronto

Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before

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(416): Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before http://tfl.nu/meit

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(518): View more from New York

I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty

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(518): I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty http://tfl.nu/4081

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(770): View more from Georgia

I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today

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(770): I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today http://tfl.nu/7gup

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"

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(701): I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?" http://tfl.nu/cr38

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(847): View more from Illinois

Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess

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(847): Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess http://tfl.nu/s4vr

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game

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(651): Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game http://tfl.nu/de08

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(334): View more from Alabama

I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

(1-334): View more from Alabama

Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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(334): I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does. (1-334): Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers. http://tfl.nu/3563

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(212): View more from New York

Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.

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(212): Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no. http://tfl.nu/7lbb

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(217): View more from Illinois

Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out

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(217): Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out http://tfl.nu/2vfe

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(720): View more from Colorado

There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"

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(720): There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!" http://tfl.nu/c7ck

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.

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(502): I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later. http://tfl.nu/r27t

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(443): View more from Maryland

I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.

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(443): I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face. http://tfl.nu/jlmy

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(602): View more from Arizona

for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.

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(602): for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me. http://tfl.nu/jxdy

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(702): View more from Nevada

I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.

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(702): I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave. http://tfl.nu/8hoe

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(864): View more from South Carolina

U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"

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(864): U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating" http://tfl.nu/kntp

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.

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(405): There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS. http://tfl.nu/dubs

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(845): View more from New York

you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage

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(845): you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage http://tfl.nu/ot1n

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

To a 70 year old lady?!

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(508): Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face" (774): To a 70 year old lady?! http://tfl.nu/99j2

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(404): View more from Georgia

I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said

(770): View more from Georgia

she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to

(404): View more from Georgia

You KNEW her power was out...

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(404): I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said (770): she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to (404): You KNEW her power was out... http://tfl.nu/ggzc

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(651): View more from Minnesota

So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.

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(651): So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it. http://tfl.nu/j4ss

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(847): View more from Illinois

I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.

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(847): I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet. http://tfl.nu/wpea

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(772): View more from Florida

she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left

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(772): she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left http://tfl.nu/4rhs

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.

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(570): If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid. http://tfl.nu/ujtp

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(602): View more from Arizona

Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.

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(602): Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table. http://tfl.nu/8dv6

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(443): she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs. http://tfl.nu/nz73

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(207): View more from Maine

I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.

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(207): I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry. http://tfl.nu/pgeg

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): View more from West Virginia

No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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(304): I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us. (1-304): Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat? (304): No there was a goat. I gave it a donut. http://tfl.nu/bds8

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."

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(651): She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name." http://tfl.nu/v79x

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo

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(978): He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo http://tfl.nu/892m

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(864): View more from South Carolina

weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

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(864): weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps. http://tfl.nu/jawa

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.

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(614): I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing. http://tfl.nu/nz2e

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(313): View more from Michigan

Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill

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(313): Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill http://tfl.nu/vbjy

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(425): View more from Washington

come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee

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(425): come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee http://tfl.nu/e993

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...

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(412): New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move... http://tfl.nu/y03w

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.

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(203): The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice. http://tfl.nu/qfp9

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(402): View more from Nebraska

1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!

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(402): 1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow! http://tfl.nu/fjak

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(949): View more from California

Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer

(1-949): View more from California

Party on wayne

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(949): Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer (1-949): Party on wayne http://tfl.nu/qjse

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(706): View more from Georgia

Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.

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(706): Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain. http://tfl.nu/4t48

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.

(917): View more from New York City

So many issues. You honestly need help.

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(862): I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in. (917): So many issues. You honestly need help. http://tfl.nu/cv7o

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(916): View more from California

Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash

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(916): Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash http://tfl.nu/rtwe

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(540): View more from Virginia

Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for

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(540): Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for http://tfl.nu/c110

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head

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(780): I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head http://tfl.nu/nc7k

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(904): View more from Florida

you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.

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(904): you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck. http://tfl.nu/a9rr

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(616): View more from Michigan

All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.

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(616): All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good. http://tfl.nu/bkrn

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(914): View more from New York

Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.

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(914): Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night. http://tfl.nu/nj6b

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(718): View more from New York

My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.

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(718): My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life. http://tfl.nu/zkml

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.

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(603): I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility. http://tfl.nu/wqgl

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(507): View more from Minnesota

So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.

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(507): So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent. http://tfl.nu/5yqd

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch

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(609): I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch http://tfl.nu/jghc

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective

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(630): He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective http://tfl.nu/wbyh

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(480): View more from Arizona

Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.

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(480): Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT. http://tfl.nu/l2cm

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?

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(+44): Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/0o8e

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(207): View more from Maine

traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK

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(207): traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK http://tfl.nu/1e7j

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(919): View more from North Carolina

DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Oh God.

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(919): DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT??? (1-919): Oh God. http://tfl.nu/z02g

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(616): View more from Michigan

I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...

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(616): I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"... http://tfl.nu/nha2

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(940): View more from Texas

Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.

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(940): Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line. http://tfl.nu/5wo4

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(772): View more from Florida

how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?

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(772): how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground? http://tfl.nu/issb

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.

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(918): I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics. http://tfl.nu/dut8

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...

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(201): I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy... http://tfl.nu/nlco

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(812): View more from Indiana

Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on

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(812): Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on http://tfl.nu/glb4

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.

(920): View more from Wisconsin

Tell me you're kidding.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.

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(414): Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet. (920): Tell me you're kidding. (414): Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now. http://tfl.nu/mbei

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(916): View more from California

The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.

(1-916): View more from California

Try oodles of noodles this time.

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(916): The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang. (1-916): Try oodles of noodles this time. http://tfl.nu/ou73

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?

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(+44): I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone? http://tfl.nu/7opu

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?

(408): View more from California

JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.

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(902): Is this a genuine concern or are you just high? (408): JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN. http://tfl.nu/lbkb

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.

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(908): My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this. http://tfl.nu/dlh8

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(609): View more from New Jersey

LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.

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(609): LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco. http://tfl.nu/49kl

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(206): View more from Washington

Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.

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(206): Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional. http://tfl.nu/t1vf

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...

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(724): My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out... http://tfl.nu/jne9

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(519): View more from Ontario

Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.

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(519): Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him. http://tfl.nu/z0om

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.

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(978): IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES. http://tfl.nu/cxji

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(212): View more from New York

Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?

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(212): Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'? http://tfl.nu/4fhn

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(609): wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut. (941): it was a krispy kreme http://tfl.nu/o743

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(859): View more from Kentucky

That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.

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(859): That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka. http://tfl.nu/6iko

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(618): View more from Illinois

Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."

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(618): Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you." http://tfl.nu/wg5q

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(956): View more from Texas

Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....

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(956): Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both..... http://tfl.nu/0n6l

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(248): View more from Michigan

You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.

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(248): You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning. http://tfl.nu/57rh

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!

(715): View more from Wisconsin

I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.

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(608): But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full! (715): I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering. http://tfl.nu/shs1

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.

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(732): Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered. http://tfl.nu/wcxh

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

(420): View more from

your the best winggirl ever

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(610): Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie (420): your the best winggirl ever http://tfl.nu/bhih

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(904): View more from Florida

5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.

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(904): 5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal. http://tfl.nu/ja8n

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(203): View more from Connecticut

using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.

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(203): using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs. http://tfl.nu/lgyg

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(704): View more from North Carolina

HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?

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(704): HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES? http://tfl.nu/cu3x

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(816): View more from Missouri

i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino

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(816): i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino http://tfl.nu/4r5s

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(816): View more from Missouri

no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.

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(816): no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help. http://tfl.nu/7acp

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(713): View more from Texas

I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.

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(713): I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies. http://tfl.nu/hoog

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?

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(717): he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks? http://tfl.nu/42dk

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.

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(508): Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast. (508): PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail. http://tfl.nu/qbqn

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(540): View more from Virginia

the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.

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(540): the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years. http://tfl.nu/vthp

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.

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(630): I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof. http://tfl.nu/he9o

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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(503): Hey man your outta milk (541): How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?! http://tfl.nu/1x3m

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(660): View more from Missouri

He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"

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(660): He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean" http://tfl.nu/dsnf

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(303): View more from Colorado

Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!

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(303): Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties! http://tfl.nu/mly2

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(310): View more from California

Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.

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(310): Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me. http://tfl.nu/e0xw

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(702): View more from Nevada

Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam

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(702): Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam http://tfl.nu/lqc4

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(415): View more from California

There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.

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(415): There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail. http://tfl.nu/6ic6

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"

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(612): I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?" http://tfl.nu/juih

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(708): View more from Illinois

Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...

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(708): Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked... http://tfl.nu/0j0c

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(510): View more from California

she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong

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(510): she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong http://tfl.nu/3blf

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(206): View more from Washington

Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?

(206): View more from Washington

Adult decisions.

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(206): Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility? (206): Adult decisions. http://tfl.nu/m22f

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.

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(+44): One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend. http://tfl.nu/kcdy

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on

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(506): Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on http://tfl.nu/ntvw

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(614): View more from Ohio

the wall and i were having dominance issues.

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(614): the wall and i were having dominance issues. http://tfl.nu/itlm

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(207): View more from Maine

Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.

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(207): Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them. http://tfl.nu/x39b

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(720): View more from Colorado

No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.

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(720): No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No. http://tfl.nu/pprs

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(949): View more from California

Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.

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(949): Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits. http://tfl.nu/xzwv

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(864): View more from South Carolina

It's official drugs can't kill me

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(864): It's official drugs can't kill me http://tfl.nu/v797

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.

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(757): It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog. http://tfl.nu/clzo

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(907): View more from Alaska

On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.

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(907): On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks. http://tfl.nu/rprq

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

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(615): Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight. http://tfl.nu/ami0

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(727): View more from Florida

Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.

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(727): Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time. http://tfl.nu/hhge

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(334): View more from Alabama

My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.

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(334): My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves. http://tfl.nu/fl2d

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.

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(678): I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school. http://tfl.nu/ax1k

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today

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(618): I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today http://tfl.nu/z5b2

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(903): View more from Texas

Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me

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(903): Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me http://tfl.nu/adub

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.

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(731): Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work. http://tfl.nu/qr42

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(530): View more from California

I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.

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(530): I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother. http://tfl.nu/6hsn

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(870): View more from Arkansas

To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.

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(870): To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical. http://tfl.nu/vs7y

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time

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(985): Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time http://tfl.nu/pvdr

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.

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(262): Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink. http://tfl.nu/n6v7

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.

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(608): All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college. http://tfl.nu/h1fv

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.

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(405): We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out. http://tfl.nu/ia59

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(305): View more from Florida

Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.

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(305): Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright. http://tfl.nu/jxj8

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(667): View more from Maryland

what customs doesn't know wont hurt them

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(667): what customs doesn't know wont hurt them http://tfl.nu/bm46

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.

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(717): Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene. http://tfl.nu/3l38

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.

(845): View more from New York

Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.

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(607): Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up. (845): Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity. http://tfl.nu/u2xk

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(310): View more from California

The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?

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(310): The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME? http://tfl.nu/y4zz

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(707): View more from California

there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.

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(707): there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced. http://tfl.nu/voth

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(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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(520): Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals (480): Are you high and at a petting zoo again? http://tfl.nu/ph9z

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(517): View more from Michigan

My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough

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(517): My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough http://tfl.nu/k0hj

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(585): View more from New York

He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.

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(585): He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working. http://tfl.nu/9caj

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(971): View more from Oregon

I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity

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(971): I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity http://tfl.nu/5clm

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

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(+44): you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing http://tfl.nu/zvza

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(408): View more from California

Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?

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(408): Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol? http://tfl.nu/xach

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(909): View more from California

I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar

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(909): I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar http://tfl.nu/dhbh

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(347): View more from New York

GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES

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(347): GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES http://tfl.nu/oz7x

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(785): View more from Kansas

I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm there.

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(785): I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show. (816): I'm there. http://tfl.nu/3vob

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(501): View more from Arkansas

And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"

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(501): And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool" http://tfl.nu/agbu

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(989): View more from Michigan

Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.

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(989): Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment. http://tfl.nu/uqhq

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(214): View more from Texas

Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.

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(214): Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it. http://tfl.nu/1ffs

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(862): View more from New Jersey

She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone

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(862): She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone http://tfl.nu/c8bq

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(248): View more from Michigan

So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."

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(248): So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis." http://tfl.nu/nekp

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(717): It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost. http://tfl.nu/w01g

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on

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(832): You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on http://tfl.nu/zwxm

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(330): View more from Ohio

The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.

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(330): The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life. http://tfl.nu/qfsl

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(703): View more from Virginia

Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.

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(703): Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge. http://tfl.nu/w6ag

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(773): View more from Illinois

the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...

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(773): the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay... http://tfl.nu/071o

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(208): View more from Idaho

drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.

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(208): drunk waterpark is besst waterpark. http://tfl.nu/8ekc

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(402): View more from Nebraska

the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused

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(402): the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused http://tfl.nu/z0he

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.

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(902): He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them. http://tfl.nu/vfjc

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.

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(423): Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you. http://tfl.nu/zkpt

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(337): View more from Louisiana

After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.

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(337): After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested. http://tfl.nu/exbc

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(925): 370HSSV 0773H read that upside down (1-925): what are you doing with your life http://tfl.nu/25tc

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina

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(402): Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina http://tfl.nu/fhci

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.

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(717): Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl. http://tfl.nu/lse9

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(325): View more from Texas

The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.

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(325): The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her. http://tfl.nu/fi1h

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(850): View more from Florida

He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."

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(850): He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket." http://tfl.nu/lw9r

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(206): View more from Washington

All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.

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(206): All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came. http://tfl.nu/je3h

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(334): View more from Alabama

She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.

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(334): She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard. http://tfl.nu/xu4e

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(775): View more from Nevada

he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.

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(775): he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me. http://tfl.nu/rwrr

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(440): View more from Ohio

She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.

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(440): She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat. http://tfl.nu/5t46

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.

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(506): A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously. http://tfl.nu/nor0

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.

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(870): Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good. http://tfl.nu/i8bn

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.

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(301): I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked. http://tfl.nu/v26w

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(631): View more from New York

Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.

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(631): Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel. http://tfl.nu/lrsp

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.

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(717): Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/7fz1

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(260): View more from Indiana

He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.

(317): View more from Indiana

I know, she tried to drink it

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(260): He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street. (317): I know, she tried to drink it http://tfl.nu/h1z5

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(520): View more from Arizona

Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.

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(520): Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents. http://tfl.nu/dtw6

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(510): View more from California

I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...

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(510): I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring... http://tfl.nu/set0

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(443): View more from Maryland

Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him

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(443): Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him http://tfl.nu/oz4m

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve

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(412): Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve http://tfl.nu/y29u

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(971): View more from Oregon

you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?

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(971): you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything? http://tfl.nu/ldjb

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(330): View more from Ohio

Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.

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(330): Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge. http://tfl.nu/j5wy

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(905): View more from Ontario

She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her

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(905): She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her http://tfl.nu/rw3c

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(806): View more from Texas

Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.

(1-806): View more from Texas

Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.

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(806): Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk. (1-806): Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess. http://tfl.nu/c175

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(714): View more from California

She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.

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(714): She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse. http://tfl.nu/v3q7

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(613): View more from Ontario

So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.

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(613): So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely. http://tfl.nu/77c9

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(213): View more from California

I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'

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(213): I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered' http://tfl.nu/8qxk

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(520): View more from Arizona

When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.

(1-520): View more from Arizona

Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.

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(520): When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well. (1-520): Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand. http://tfl.nu/cdsz

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.

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(270): The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home. http://tfl.nu/2p12

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(305): View more from Florida

you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

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(305): you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out http://tfl.nu/dfjh

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(740): View more from Ohio

my lips still taste like vagina

(1-740): View more from Ohio

so you liked breakfast?

(740): View more from Ohio

ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead

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(740): my lips still taste like vagina (1-740): so you liked breakfast? (740): ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead http://tfl.nu/odt6

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(815): View more from Illinois

Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.

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(815): Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess. http://tfl.nu/3e7p

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?

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(605): Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying? http://tfl.nu/tphe

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(415): View more from California

dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

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(415): dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint. http://tfl.nu/divk

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(416): the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night http://tfl.nu/0qnk

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.

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(505): Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops. http://tfl.nu/78kv

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(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

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(815): she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her. http://tfl.nu/1rnx

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(407): View more from Florida

the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?

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(407): the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day? http://tfl.nu/2o1l

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(406): View more from Montana

she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.

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(406): she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over. http://tfl.nu/abn4

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(210): View more from Texas

Road construction signs are deceptively heavy

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(210): Road construction signs are deceptively heavy http://tfl.nu/a969

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(773): View more from Illinois

My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

didn't stop?

(773): View more from Illinois

naw, they were rude, not me.

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(773): My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family. (1-773): didn't stop? (773): naw, they were rude, not me. http://tfl.nu/wggq

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?

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(570): why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge? http://tfl.nu/lm3z

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(516): View more from New York

You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?

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(516): You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you? http://tfl.nu/3dbu

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.

(773): View more from Illinois

You spelled "worthless" wrong.

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(773): Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note. (773): You spelled "worthless" wrong. http://tfl.nu/nbo3

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.

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(920): you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving. http://tfl.nu/e2dg

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(404): View more from Georgia

this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night

(404): View more from Georgia

i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator

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(404): this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night (404): i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator http://tfl.nu/lkbi

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink

(952): View more from Minnesota

That text needs to switch to water.

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(651): Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink (952): That text needs to switch to water. http://tfl.nu/83yo

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(847): View more from Illinois

If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel

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(847): If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel http://tfl.nu/o4xc

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(805): View more from California

Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?

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(805): Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement? http://tfl.nu/mmb3

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.

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(732): Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know. http://tfl.nu/fesa

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(626): View more from California

You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin

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(626): You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin http://tfl.nu/mf5k

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(714): View more from California

sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.

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(714): sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast. http://tfl.nu/a05x

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(630): all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed http://tfl.nu/xhsk

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.

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(601): He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows. http://tfl.nu/pp93

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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(336): This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard. http://tfl.nu/5chf

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.

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(612): I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover. http://tfl.nu/pxbl

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(877): View more from

Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik

(877): View more from

Lyk hr kuds 4

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(877): Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik (877): Lyk hr kuds 4 http://tfl.nu/neej

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.

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(609): Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year. http://tfl.nu/sxhu

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye

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(318): I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye http://tfl.nu/xi6q

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(330): View more from Ohio

French fry pizza

(502): View more from Kentucky

Are you brilliant or just really high?

(330): View more from Ohio

Can't it be both?

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(330): French fry pizza (502): Are you brilliant or just really high? (330): Can't it be both? http://tfl.nu/8jk8

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(425): View more from Washington

I proposed and she said yes man.

(1-425): View more from Washington

You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?

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(425): I proposed and she said yes man. (1-425): You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right? http://tfl.nu/wbvk

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(206): View more from Washington

My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.

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(206): My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help. http://tfl.nu/31aq

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers

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(412): its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers http://tfl.nu/1asq

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(239): View more from Florida

I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.

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(239): I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore. http://tfl.nu/vgm4

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(402): View more from Nebraska

you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls

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(402): you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls http://tfl.nu/fn2c

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(248): View more from Michigan

i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??

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(248) i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem?? http://tfl.nu/bwq7

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(215): The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room. http://tfl.nu/3nsa

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(845): View more from New York

maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night

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(845): maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night http://tfl.nu/d95d

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.

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(321): You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called. http://tfl.nu/6o7h

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined

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(609): I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined http://tfl.nu/fupt

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(207): View more from Maine

Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people

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(207): Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people http://tfl.nu/csbk

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

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(917): I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus. http://tfl.nu/e2af

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(941): View more from Florida

Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.

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(941): Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches. http://tfl.nu/ctw0

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

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(508): she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it. http://tfl.nu/mcxs

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(757): View more from Virginia

Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.

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(757): Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well. http://tfl.nu/ul8d

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(217): View more from Illinois

That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.

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(217): That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy. http://tfl.nu/e6z7

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl

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(+44): it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl http://tfl.nu/hhri

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(952): View more from Minnesota

he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.

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(952): he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does. http://tfl.nu/uw0a

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(503): View more from Oregon

We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room

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(503): We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room http://tfl.nu/9vw8

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?

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(+31): He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...? http://tfl.nu/se8t

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(702): View more from Nevada

Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?

(1-702): View more from Nevada

You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.

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(702): Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar? (1-702): You told us you forgot how, and started to cry. http://tfl.nu/t675

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(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

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(775): Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk. (504): Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera. http://tfl.nu/hakn

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(530): View more from California

You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.

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(530): You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger. http://tfl.nu/48s1

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(317): View more from Indiana

Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai

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(317): Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta. (1-317): Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai http://tfl.nu/sch5

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(703): View more from Virginia

i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

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(703): i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice. http://tfl.nu/s321

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila

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(812): I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila http://tfl.nu/88ud

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(602): View more from Arizona

Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...

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(602): Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship... http://tfl.nu/dw4u

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(301): View more from Maryland

Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.

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(301): Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover. http://tfl.nu/klzl

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(718): what happened last night? (917): u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style (718): that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left http://tfl.nu/i3a9

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(817): View more from Texas

We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.

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(817): We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen. http://tfl.nu/j56a

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(540): View more from Virginia

i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall

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(540): i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall http://tfl.nu/ora9

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(509): View more from Washington

Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.

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(509): Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away. http://tfl.nu/1jys

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(816): View more from Missouri

She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum

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(816): She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum http://tfl.nu/72bu

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(270): View more from Kentucky

You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."

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(270): You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money." http://tfl.nu/lp5j

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.

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(403): Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out. http://tfl.nu/zi3g

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(330): View more from Ohio

I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.

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(330): I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show. http://tfl.nu/dej0

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(604): View more from British Columbia

People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky

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(604): People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky http://tfl.nu/clbn

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(479): View more from Arkansas

She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.

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(479): She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink. http://tfl.nu/g05p

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g

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(561): View more from Florida

Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.

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(561): Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons. http://tfl.nu/mi7s

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(512): View more from Texas

Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"

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(512): Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo" http://tfl.nu/rorc

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(513): View more from Ohio

apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday

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(513): apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday http://tfl.nu/t1la

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(919): View more from North Carolina

we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best

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(919): we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best http://tfl.nu/79hx

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

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(860): Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal http://tfl.nu/x7fc

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

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(973): Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride http://tfl.nu/vufa

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"

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(732): you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito" http://tfl.nu/4p4o

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(334): View more from Alabama

Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.

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(334): Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its. http://tfl.nu/ucnl

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid

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(203): i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid http://tfl.nu/ekmu

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(712): View more from Iowa

Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.

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(712): Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night. http://tfl.nu/6nit

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??

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(908): I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off?? http://tfl.nu/r74o

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(845): View more from New York

Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me

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(845): Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me http://tfl.nu/lgfh

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(760): View more from California

Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.

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(760): Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI. http://tfl.nu/53k1

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(225): View more from Louisiana

at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me

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(225): at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me http://tfl.nu/xox1

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.

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(401): I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me. http://tfl.nu/vovs

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(423): View more from Tennessee

NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog

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(423): NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog http://tfl.nu/kzjg

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(810): View more from Michigan

So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?

(1-810): View more from Michigan

About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels

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(810): So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800? (1-810): About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels http://tfl.nu/3nnn

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.

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(803): I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something. http://tfl.nu/acd6

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(815): View more from Illinois

My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.

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(815): My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again. http://tfl.nu/vh8b

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(304): View more from West Virginia

They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.

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(304): They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post. http://tfl.nu/qpv3

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(908): View more from New Jersey

almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow

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(908): almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow http://tfl.nu/cscz

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?

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(248): Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain? http://tfl.nu/gohm

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.

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(865): Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america. http://tfl.nu/zhnq

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(713): View more from Texas

On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.

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(713): On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day. http://tfl.nu/dyk5

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(714): View more from California

You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.

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(714): You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works. http://tfl.nu/2moz

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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(314): For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos. http://tfl.nu/t7k7

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(315): View more from New York

Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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(315): Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench http://tfl.nu/9nh4

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter

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(336): i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter http://tfl.nu/ntue

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot

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(+44): Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot http://tfl.nu/c6sc

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(315): View more from New York

Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here

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(315): Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here http://tfl.nu/edol

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(480): View more from Arizona

I had to brake up with him.

(602): View more from Arizona

In my experience drinking helps.

(480): View more from Arizona

You dont want to know why?

(602): View more from Arizona

Not really. I want to drink.

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(480): I had to brake up with him. (602): In my experience drinking helps. (480): You dont want to know why? (602): Not really. I want to drink. http://tfl.nu/mwqo

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??

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(603): As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right?? http://tfl.nu/yy40

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(810): View more from Michigan

I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.

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(810): I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure. http://tfl.nu/tlfm

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese

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(215): she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese http://tfl.nu/9mra

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(510): View more from California

It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.

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(510): It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello. http://tfl.nu/um1l

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.

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(808): Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry. http://tfl.nu/7pno

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.

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(401): Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one. http://tfl.nu/yysi

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(541): View more from Oregon

blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best

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(541): blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best http://tfl.nu/qdc9

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

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(973): I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night? http://tfl.nu/cbpu

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.

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(+44): Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism. http://tfl.nu/zz0f

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(509): View more from Washington

Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.

(406): View more from Montana

Hospital.

(509): View more from Washington

I am invincible.

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(509): Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all. (406): Hospital. (509): I am invincible. http://tfl.nu/el46

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(313): View more from Michigan

I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.

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(313): I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents. http://tfl.nu/eaix

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(765): View more from Indiana

He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.

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(765): He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube. http://tfl.nu/tf6d

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(408): View more from California

Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.

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(408): Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless. http://tfl.nu/ejtk

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(972): View more from Texas

i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.

(817): View more from Texas

Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.

(972): View more from Texas

ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.

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(972): i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating. (817): Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away. (972): ur like the dr phil of bizarro world. http://tfl.nu/uybr

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(256): View more from Alabama

she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump

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(256): she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump http://tfl.nu/on8v

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(718): View more from New York

We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun

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(718): We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun http://tfl.nu/cluc

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn

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(810): View more from Michigan

I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again

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(810): I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again http://tfl.nu/a301

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?

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(519): I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen? http://tfl.nu/tjza

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(949): View more from California

In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.

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(949): In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor. http://tfl.nu/vpx7

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.

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(413): I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3. http://tfl.nu/k38v

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha how do you remember that?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

HOW COULD I FORGET?!

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(717): Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later. (1-717): Haha how do you remember that? (717): HOW COULD I FORGET?! http://tfl.nu/ylr0

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(720): View more from Colorado

turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"

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(720): turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen" http://tfl.nu/kas3

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(775): View more from Nevada

Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls

(702): View more from Nevada

Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter

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(775): Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls (702): Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter http://tfl.nu/jyvi

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(973): View more from New Jersey

She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?

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(973): She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike? http://tfl.nu/jtxw

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(248): View more from Michigan

I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is

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(248): I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is http://tfl.nu/r4l9

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(713): View more from Texas

We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.

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(713): We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager. http://tfl.nu/qy4e

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.

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(203): Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka. http://tfl.nu/23cb

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(314): View more from Missouri

The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight

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(314): The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight http://tfl.nu/sdqv

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(971): View more from Oregon

He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.

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(971): He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex. http://tfl.nu/3zjj

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(703): View more from Virginia

he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2

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(703): he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2 http://tfl.nu/k675

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(704): View more from North Carolina

we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over

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(704): we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over http://tfl.nu/0v4z

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"

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(608): and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM" http://tfl.nu/3pco

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(323): View more from California

Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.

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(323): Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper. http://tfl.nu/471e

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP

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(604): Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP http://tfl.nu/30gs

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(770): View more from Georgia

Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.

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(770): Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers. http://tfl.nu/qvqu

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(207): DRUNK CANOEING (804): Please text me if you survive. (207): LAND HO BITCH http://tfl.nu/6y3l

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(540): View more from Virginia

my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged

(703): View more from Virginia

just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit

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(540): my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged (703): just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit http://tfl.nu/pac5

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.

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(608): last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome. http://tfl.nu/a48x

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.

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(505): Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car. http://tfl.nu/bc5h

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(314): View more from Missouri

apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out

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(314): apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out http://tfl.nu/7udd

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet

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(215): Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet http://tfl.nu/qzss

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.

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(610): You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila. http://tfl.nu/p50o

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(862): View more from New Jersey

It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.

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(862): It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy. http://tfl.nu/1k8y

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(970): View more from Colorado

We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.

(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, its January.

(970): View more from Colorado

We're going to do the voices too.

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(970): We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots. (303): Dude, its January. (970): We're going to do the voices too. http://tfl.nu/k3gb

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?

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(412): Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container? http://tfl.nu/it9b

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(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

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(630): We stopped her at 12 (708): 12 shots? Or 12 midnight? (630): Which answer would freak you out less http://tfl.nu/edb4

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You just said the magic words

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(484): We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE. (610): You just said the magic words http://tfl.nu/8k47

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(630): View more from Illinois

We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.

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(630): We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas. http://tfl.nu/1h9b

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(519): View more from Ontario

DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.

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(519): DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS. http://tfl.nu/77gw

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!

(615): View more from Tennessee

I don't wanna die...

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(423): I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!! (615): I don't wanna die... http://tfl.nu/h1ht

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(858): View more from California

I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

(619): View more from California

you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

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(858): I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up. (619): you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS http://tfl.nu/a8ci

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(+32): View more from Belgium

Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.

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(+32): Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello. http://tfl.nu/agdc

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico

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(419): Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico http://tfl.nu/934w

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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(575): We need to talk about our relationship. (403): I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes http://tfl.nu/0ub4

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(805): View more from California

We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.

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(805): We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened. http://tfl.nu/qapw

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground

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(617): were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground http://tfl.nu/2c7r

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(208): U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!" http://tfl.nu/ttkj

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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(215): Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf. http://tfl.nu/0na3

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(416): View more from Ontario

Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

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(416): Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home http://tfl.nu/32l0

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Intervention is following me on twitter.

(440): View more from Ohio

wow.

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(908): Intervention is following me on twitter. (440): wow. http://tfl.nu/4vti

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(917): View more from New York City

your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?

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(917): your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin? http://tfl.nu/252o

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(217): View more from Illinois

You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.

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(217): You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice. http://tfl.nu/09lg

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(301): View more from Maryland

My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!

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(301): My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW! http://tfl.nu/gdwn

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(661): View more from California

I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.

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(661): I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle. http://tfl.nu/b1qz

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(316): View more from Kansas

My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.

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(316): My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch. http://tfl.nu/qemq

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(705): View more from Ontario

Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.

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(705): Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table. http://tfl.nu/x7xh

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea

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(608): Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea http://tfl.nu/i55m

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.

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(919): All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar. http://tfl.nu/cp66

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment

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(608): we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment http://tfl.nu/hmt1

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(248): View more from Michigan

Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.

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(248): Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in. http://tfl.nu/0n5k

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

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(513): I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this. http://tfl.nu/ok35

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(917): View more from New York City

I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close

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(917): I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close http://tfl.nu/ibae

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(

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(601): Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :( http://tfl.nu/zxos

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(916): View more from California

I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"

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(916): I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much" http://tfl.nu/mqwd

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(678): View more from Georgia

So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night

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(678): So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night http://tfl.nu/pxx7

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?

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(303): I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow? http://tfl.nu/hnqf

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(419): View more from Ohio

vegan vag taste different. and not a good different

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(419): vegan vag taste different. and not a good different http://tfl.nu/aqb4

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(949): View more from California

you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

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(949): you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one http://tfl.nu/7gmu

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(562): View more from California

she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend

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(562): she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend http://tfl.nu/ejvb

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(432): Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat" http://tfl.nu/ofhr

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(315): View more from New York

Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.

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(315): Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial. http://tfl.nu/jwzw

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(314): View more from Missouri

we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.

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(314): we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them. http://tfl.nu/5z6d

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(516): There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face http://tfl.nu/9y4h

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches

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(412): I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches http://tfl.nu/0tvi

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(256): View more from Alabama

I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.

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(256): I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self. http://tfl.nu/pw1v

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(641): View more from Iowa

Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?

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(641): Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions? http://tfl.nu/f9wf

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(513): View more from Ohio

He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.

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(513): He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit. http://tfl.nu/4hrv

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(410): View more from Maryland

Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'

(301): View more from Maryland

Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..

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(410): Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles' (301): Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar.. http://tfl.nu/a4j3

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?

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(610): you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us? http://tfl.nu/gp4k

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(954): View more from Florida

im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls

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(954): im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls http://tfl.nu/n5en

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(618): View more from Illinois

Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.

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(618): Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it. http://tfl.nu/ym59

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.

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(412): You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it. http://tfl.nu/867s

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(250): View more from British Columbia

This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.

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(250): This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b. http://tfl.nu/l3kw

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close

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(978): I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close http://tfl.nu/huvz

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(330): View more from Ohio

yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon

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(330): yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon http://tfl.nu/yvmd

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(512): View more from Texas

I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"

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(512): I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin" http://tfl.nu/ceeo

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(626): View more from California

I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.

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(626): I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night. http://tfl.nu/5hoo

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(970): View more from Colorado

We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later

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(970): We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later http://tfl.nu/sax8

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(303): View more from Colorado

Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station

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(303): Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station http://tfl.nu/qhlw

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(903): View more from Texas

I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone

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(903): I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone http://tfl.nu/vw3h

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."

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(601): You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka." http://tfl.nu/g6um

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.

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(860): So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out. http://tfl.nu/xnc4

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(714): View more from California

Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.

(562): View more from California

You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.

(714): View more from California

Well someones bitter they didn't get any.

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(714): Hahaha you puked all over his shirt. (562): You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch. (714): Well someones bitter they didn't get any. http://tfl.nu/4mgl

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(913): View more from Kansas

He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.

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(913): He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka. http://tfl.nu/p6nb

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(914): View more from New York

I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.

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(914): I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box. http://tfl.nu/rmin

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.

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(414): and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you. http://tfl.nu/lmfo

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(678): View more from Georgia

My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU

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(678): My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU http://tfl.nu/x7kk

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(906): View more from Michigan

I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.

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(906): I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon. http://tfl.nu/l4la

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(585): View more from New York

I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.

(1-585): View more from New York

You are so irish.

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(585): I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better. (1-585): You are so irish. http://tfl.nu/pewr

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.

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(617): just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil. http://tfl.nu/drc4

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(330): You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox. http://tfl.nu/xeau

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(248): You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened... http://tfl.nu/unry

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(805): View more from California

Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?

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(805): Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...? http://tfl.nu/0j4d

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(516): View more from New York

Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.

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(516): Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style. http://tfl.nu/uxcc

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?

(503): View more from Oregon

Succeeded.

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(404): I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life? (503): Succeeded. http://tfl.nu/i020

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(630): View more from Illinois

there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'

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(630): there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is' http://tfl.nu/8psl

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(909): View more from California

Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.

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(909): Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas. http://tfl.nu/i4ub

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(313): View more from Michigan

he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.

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(313): he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it. http://tfl.nu/c4xp

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(864): View more from South Carolina

you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk

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(864): you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk http://tfl.nu/iikf

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen

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(864): I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen http://tfl.nu/n18y

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.

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(864): We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian. http://tfl.nu/x5ta

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(864): View more from South Carolina

we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game

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(864): we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game http://tfl.nu/6o4z

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(864): View more from South Carolina

so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

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(864): so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence. http://tfl.nu/nvim

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(864): View more from South Carolina

i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

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(864): i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room http://tfl.nu/jsw5

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(864): View more from South Carolina

just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside

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(864): just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside http://tfl.nu/pna6

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(864): View more from South Carolina

you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

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(864): you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night http://tfl.nu/m2bf

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(864): If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay. (828): Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner (864): Previous statement retracted. http://tfl.nu/e7pe

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp

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(204): View more from Manitoba

some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

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(204): some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city http://tfl.nu/k6ti

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.

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(413): You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago. http://tfl.nu/l8io

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience

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(603): i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience http://tfl.nu/wb3q

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.

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(832): I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots" (832): On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep. http://tfl.nu/g6me

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?

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(508): There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun? http://tfl.nu/av48

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.

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(780): She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever. http://tfl.nu/i189

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop

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(412): dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop http://tfl.nu/q8xc

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(239): View more from Florida

dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.

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(239): dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me. http://tfl.nu/b0dd

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(440): View more from Ohio

I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.

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(440): I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan. http://tfl.nu/ypf4

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar

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(412): Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar http://tfl.nu/l67v

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(919): View more from North Carolina

what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

"bouncy castle"

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(919): what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl" (1-919): "bouncy castle" http://tfl.nu/3vde

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

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(519): I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus. http://tfl.nu/vafe

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.

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(732): I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life. http://tfl.nu/df5q

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(775): View more from Nevada

You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.

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(775): You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun. http://tfl.nu/rs7k

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(913): View more from Kansas

Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?

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(913): Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar? http://tfl.nu/6f8e

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(512): View more from Texas

we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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(512): we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja http://tfl.nu/0h0h

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today

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(519): I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today http://tfl.nu/56ng

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(716): View more from New York

Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.

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(716): Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests. http://tfl.nu/12h2

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(859): View more from Kentucky

She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.

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(859): She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding. http://tfl.nu/udu2

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(519): On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend? http://tfl.nu/abvl

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(618): View more from Illinois

I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.

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(618): I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/619k

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(417): View more from Missouri

Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.

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(417): Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by. http://tfl.nu/hvbu

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(309): View more from Illinois

remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..

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(309): remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him.. http://tfl.nu/o0zu

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(845): View more from New York

There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.

(845): View more from New York

Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.

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(845): There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help. (845): Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me. http://tfl.nu/1wp4

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(601): View more from Mississippi

If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.

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(601): If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender. http://tfl.nu/eg99

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(440): View more from Ohio

yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.

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(440): yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything. http://tfl.nu/2obm

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.

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(610): Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions. http://tfl.nu/3hq7

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.

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(978): He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment. http://tfl.nu/fwul

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(313): View more from Michigan

Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now

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(313): Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now http://tfl.nu/t7qb

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(760): View more from California

Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.

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(760): Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood. http://tfl.nu/nrod

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....

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(814): Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly.... http://tfl.nu/m1mg

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine

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(+64): If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine http://tfl.nu/9dun

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(773): View more from Illinois

I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.

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(773): I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming. http://tfl.nu/u6dn

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(419): View more from Ohio

You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.

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(419): You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you. http://tfl.nu/qq0g

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(989): View more from Michigan

If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back

(906): View more from Michigan

I resent that

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(989): If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back (906): I resent that http://tfl.nu/qneu

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(217): Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me? (1-217): Vomiting outside the employee entrance http://tfl.nu/gco9

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(315): View more from New York

my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless

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(315): my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless http://tfl.nu/2wfy

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(716): View more from New York

So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef

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(716): So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef http://tfl.nu/t05x

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(404): View more from Georgia

hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??

(1-404): View more from Georgia

no.

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(404): hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer?? (1-404): no. http://tfl.nu/c4dk

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(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

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(925): don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement (510): big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault. http://tfl.nu/lnx0

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(662): View more from Mississippi

you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again

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(662): you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again http://tfl.nu/srv7

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move

(617): View more from Massachusetts

that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame

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(508): dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move (617): that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame http://tfl.nu/79g6

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(810): View more from Michigan

i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said

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(810): i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said http://tfl.nu/bvpk

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(786): View more from Florida

HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

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(786): HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM. http://tfl.nu/yhvq

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(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

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(816): Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you" http://tfl.nu/hln2

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(757): View more from Virginia

I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk

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(757): I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk http://tfl.nu/n8jk

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(708): View more from Illinois

We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now

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(708): We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now http://tfl.nu/mm02

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(319): View more from Iowa

He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle

(648): View more from

Since when is drunk an angle?

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(319): He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle (648): Since when is drunk an angle? http://tfl.nu/dhcr

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(812): View more from Indiana

apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"

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(812): apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight" http://tfl.nu/9yyv

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

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(306): I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes' http://tfl.nu/oxkp

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

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(262): I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf http://tfl.nu/oxnj

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(804): View more from Virginia

when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"

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(804): when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again" http://tfl.nu/ygm1

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(631): View more from New York

Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

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(631): Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again... http://tfl.nu/fuha

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(607): View more from New York

My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

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(607): My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons. http://tfl.nu/oech

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(785): View more from Kansas

Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.

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(785): Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk. http://tfl.nu/cv1z

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(516): View more from New York

His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.

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(516): His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps. http://tfl.nu/q0ub

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(310): View more from California

I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.

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(310): I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet. http://tfl.nu/z51s

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(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

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(240): This kid is drunk. (410): I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted. http://tfl.nu/8aqa

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(813): View more from Florida

so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw

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(813): so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw http://tfl.nu/9zj1

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(803): View more from South Carolina

so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.

(843): View more from South Carolina

drunk me is so punny.

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(803): so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life. (843): drunk me is so punny. http://tfl.nu/qdzv

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.

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(413): My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers. http://tfl.nu/7b3u

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(240): View more from Maryland

stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.

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(240): stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing. http://tfl.nu/y30j

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(408): View more from California

When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.

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(408): When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus. http://tfl.nu/kpmf

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

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(413): Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot. http://tfl.nu/sr3w

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(516): View more from New York

He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.

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(516): He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one. http://tfl.nu/wrt6

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(281): View more from Texas

when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

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(281): when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer http://tfl.nu/c3p9

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.

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(505): He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued. http://tfl.nu/19hy

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(612): View more from Minnesota

We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.

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(612): We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk. http://tfl.nu/j1no

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(613): View more from Ontario

I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.

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(613): I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/nxz1

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(647): View more from Ontario

Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party

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(647): Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party http://tfl.nu/47pk

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(571): View more from Virginia

non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

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(571): non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do. http://tfl.nu/8y8e

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(559): So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true? (1-559): That depends on who this is. http://tfl.nu/a6jm

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(205): Why are my keys in the refrigerator? (1-205): You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you. (205): This explains so much. http://tfl.nu/ouwy

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(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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(908): did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp. http://tfl.nu/a6do

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(214): dude. I'm so drunk. (972): pete, this is bryce's mom (214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass (972): pete, this is still bryce's mom http://tfl.nu/lat0

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(773): View more from Illinois

i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table

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(773): i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table http://tfl.nu/1eyi

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(813): View more from Florida

im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.

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(813): im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots. http://tfl.nu/i8ur

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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(313): Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ" http://tfl.nu/pk0t

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms

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(508): I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms http://tfl.nu/pddu

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(703): How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist http://tfl.nu/hzre

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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(910): so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch. http://tfl.nu/syjm

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa

(603): View more from New Hampshire

I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...

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(603): Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa (603): I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel... http://tfl.nu/ns98

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(818): View more from California

That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.

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(818): That's the last time I do shots near a campfire. http://tfl.nu/w9sa

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(225): View more from Louisiana

You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.

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(225): You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night. http://tfl.nu/uygn

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(816): View more from Missouri

This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.

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(816): This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out. http://tfl.nu/wupp

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers

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(910): I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers http://tfl.nu/vom9

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(406): View more from Montana

He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.

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(406): He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine. http://tfl.nu/2wf3

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.

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(610): Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it. http://tfl.nu/tp8b

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(925): View more from California

He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.

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(925): He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle. http://tfl.nu/x2qg

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(323): View more from California

He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated

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(323): He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated http://tfl.nu/z16t

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(785): View more from Kansas

you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it

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(785): you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it http://tfl.nu/h3ck

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.

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(+64): I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked. http://tfl.nu/59qo

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.

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(717): he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys. http://tfl.nu/b5qg

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(785): View more from Kansas

Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk

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(785): Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk http://tfl.nu/b78y

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.

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(918): he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy. http://tfl.nu/so4p

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(313): View more from Michigan

There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding

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(313): There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding http://tfl.nu/91sj

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(805): View more from California

I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard

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(805): I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard http://tfl.nu/np0a

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.

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(715): she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner. http://tfl.nu/8r7t

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(502): View more from Kentucky

so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...

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(502): so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina... http://tfl.nu/yr74

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(661): View more from California

u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom

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(661): u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom http://tfl.nu/4j5d

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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(780): Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks. http://tfl.nu/2lc5

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(435): View more from Utah

Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.

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(435): Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed. http://tfl.nu/zk8r

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(206): View more from Washington

In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone

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(206): In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone http://tfl.nu/jkow

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(619): View more from California

Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck

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(619): Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck http://tfl.nu/s9r0

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.

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(504): Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed. http://tfl.nu/fl8o

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.

(214): View more from Texas

Does it taste like semen?

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(972): I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it. (214): Does it taste like semen? http://tfl.nu/qasv

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(770): View more from Georgia

Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time

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(770): Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time http://tfl.nu/rffr

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(443): View more from Maryland

you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up

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(443): you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up http://tfl.nu/89z7

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(970): View more from Colorado

She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.

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(970): She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim. http://tfl.nu/tftc

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(802): View more from Vermont

my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

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(802): my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME??? http://tfl.nu/x0d6

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(951): View more from California

I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to

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(951): I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to http://tfl.nu/92t1

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(410): View more from Maryland

We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.

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(410): We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES. http://tfl.nu/638m

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(705): View more from Ontario

and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.

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(705): and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good. http://tfl.nu/bblv

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(518): View more from New York

Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.

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(518): Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip. http://tfl.nu/y6yl

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(219): View more from Indiana

THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.

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(219): THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA. http://tfl.nu/qipd

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(630): View more from Illinois

she could've warned me his penis was curved

(708): View more from Illinois

ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.

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(630): she could've warned me his penis was curved (708): ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/vp5d

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(415): View more from California

apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window

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(415): apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window http://tfl.nu/1uz3

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.

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(724): His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off. http://tfl.nu/q67j

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(903): View more from Texas

He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.

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(903): He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit. http://tfl.nu/92kz

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(716): View more from New York

He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.

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(716): He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him. http://tfl.nu/aojd

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.

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(617): she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something. http://tfl.nu/1xv3

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(615): View more from Tennessee

He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.

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(615): He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk. http://tfl.nu/adyj

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(254): View more from Texas

Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."

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(254): Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen." http://tfl.nu/2yxx

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(530): View more from California

It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.

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(530): It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him. http://tfl.nu/ayo2

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover

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(204): I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover http://tfl.nu/k1fy

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(801): Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first (206): You are the luckiest man alive http://tfl.nu/uh0h

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj

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(631): View more from New York

these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.

(631): View more from New York

i got hit in the ear.

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(631): these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby. (631): i got hit in the ear. http://tfl.nu/qr8z

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(708): View more from Illinois

Less talking, more tequila

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(708): Less talking, more tequila http://tfl.nu/d67d

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.

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(306): I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards. http://tfl.nu/0ymc

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?

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(715): hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes? http://tfl.nu/o98x

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(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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(443): you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life. http://tfl.nu/pccz

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(408): View more from California

This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.

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(408): This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady. http://tfl.nu/u3v1

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?

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(715): Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet? http://tfl.nu/ptcd

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down

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(+44): i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down http://tfl.nu/7vyc

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(415): View more from California

God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.

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(415): God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave. http://tfl.nu/thh8

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(330): View more from Ohio

After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.

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(330): After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant. http://tfl.nu/zp63

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(585): View more from New York

please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

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(585): please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad. http://tfl.nu/8fn1

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(330): View more from Ohio

sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.

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(330): sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks. http://tfl.nu/zakx

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(380): View more from Ohio

She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time

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(380): She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time http://tfl.nu/cp8c

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(708): View more from Illinois

My lips are sealed. Both pairs.

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(708): My lips are sealed. Both pairs. http://tfl.nu/26rg

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(662): View more from Mississippi

i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up

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(662): i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up http://tfl.nu/hogm

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(503): View more from Oregon

Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.

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(503): Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying. http://tfl.nu/kt03

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(519): View more from Ontario

He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.

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(519): He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka. http://tfl.nu/8f21

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(330): View more from Ohio

I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.

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(330): I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned. http://tfl.nu/myfn

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(503): View more from Oregon

I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.

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(503): I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan. http://tfl.nu/4npq

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?

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(708): I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer? http://tfl.nu/8pri

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(217): View more from Illinois

Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency

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(217): Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency http://tfl.nu/yuks

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(917): View more from New York City

Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

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(917): Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night? http://tfl.nu/29mg

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(618): View more from Illinois

This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.

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(618): This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money. http://tfl.nu/bov0

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

where the hell would u of bought a deer

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(717): found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it (1-717): where the hell would u of bought a deer http://tfl.nu/semf

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Thanks, mom.

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(202): You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway. (1-202): Thanks, mom. http://tfl.nu/107n

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".

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(306): you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue". http://tfl.nu/bqgp

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(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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(957): I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day. http://tfl.nu/42ia

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

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(706): I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon. (1-706): Where the hell are you (706): He's winning. http://tfl.nu/bx2u

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(434): View more from Virginia

i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.

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(434): i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister. http://tfl.nu/d8xo

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(707): View more from California

I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.

(1-707): View more from California

is that even a sentence?

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(707): I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina. (1-707): is that even a sentence? http://tfl.nu/j6fd

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(805): View more from California

Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.

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(805): Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren. http://tfl.nu/c1hy

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(859): View more from Kentucky

You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.

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(859): You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower. http://tfl.nu/ss7c

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(716): View more from New York

I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.

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(716): I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine. http://tfl.nu/zg3z

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(518): View more from New York

They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower

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(518): They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower http://tfl.nu/ye9z

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(719): View more from Colorado

I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.

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(719): I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush. http://tfl.nu/eys0

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(512): View more from Texas

did you find a tooth?

(254): View more from Texas

did you lose one?

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(512): did you find a tooth? (254): did you lose one? http://tfl.nu/1ieh

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(432): View more from Texas

There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!

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(432): There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses! http://tfl.nu/cuv6

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.

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(+44): He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning. http://tfl.nu/9kly

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...

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(978): Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die... http://tfl.nu/7pmw

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(541): View more from Oregon

We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault

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(541): We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault http://tfl.nu/ovjn

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(970): View more from Colorado

in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.

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(970): in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door. http://tfl.nu/9co9

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(515): View more from Iowa

If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.

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(515): If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/dbsh

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(708): View more from Illinois

BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK

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(708): BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK http://tfl.nu/o0os

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(812): View more from Indiana

I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.

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(812): I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me. http://tfl.nu/jath

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?

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(+44): Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert? http://tfl.nu/uki8

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(512): View more from Texas

all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me

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(512): all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me http://tfl.nu/xqib

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it

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(973): I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it http://tfl.nu/vptm

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(651): View more from Minnesota

saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.

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(651): saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort. http://tfl.nu/ekj0

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(404): View more from Georgia

Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.

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(404): Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken. http://tfl.nu/s1v7

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(618): View more from Illinois

You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes

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(618): You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes http://tfl.nu/5pp7

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(810): View more from Michigan

It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.

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(810): It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team. http://tfl.nu/1zge

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out

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(859): I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out http://tfl.nu/qumr

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology

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(339): So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology http://tfl.nu/2zvz

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.

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(250): I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown. http://tfl.nu/tv3d

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.

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(402): I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire. http://tfl.nu/9p46

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(248): View more from Michigan

noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.

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(248): noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life. http://tfl.nu/olll

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(269): View more from Michigan

Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.

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(269): Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus. http://tfl.nu/d22v

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.

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(617): She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her. http://tfl.nu/sdzd

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(425): View more from Washington

If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.

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(425): If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower. http://tfl.nu/0936

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(360): View more from Washington

Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.

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(360): Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY. http://tfl.nu/nqby

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(209): View more from California

you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...

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(209): you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom... http://tfl.nu/nw55

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(317): He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him... (1-317): He's the fucking cop whisperer. http://tfl.nu/3vvt

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(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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(417): Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever. http://tfl.nu/md7w

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.

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(401): Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible. http://tfl.nu/g0k8

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(815): View more from Illinois

im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine

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(815): im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine http://tfl.nu/4lyn

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(907): View more from Alaska

She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.

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(907): She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone. http://tfl.nu/lil1

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(330): View more from Ohio

Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?

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(330): Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her? http://tfl.nu/1j07

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(845): View more from New York

I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting

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(845): I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting http://tfl.nu/p4gt

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(256): View more from Alabama

its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out

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(256): its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out http://tfl.nu/ng5c

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(956): View more from Texas

while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"

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(956): while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it" http://tfl.nu/f0so

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(850): View more from Florida

What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Her vagina devoured it.

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(850): What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"? (1-850): Her vagina devoured it. http://tfl.nu/yu5p

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(573): View more from Missouri

They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.

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(573): They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt. http://tfl.nu/azqc

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(734): View more from Michigan

It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free

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(734): It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free http://tfl.nu/3j31

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(760): View more from California

coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.

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(760): coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds. http://tfl.nu/by4p

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(+03): View more from

Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'

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(+03): Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here' http://tfl.nu/86hi

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(913): View more from Kansas

I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.

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(913): I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids. http://tfl.nu/b3me

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(626): View more from California

This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side

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(626): This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side http://tfl.nu/w2qc

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.

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(704): He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him. http://tfl.nu/wgyi

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night

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(262): some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night http://tfl.nu/wjmk

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips

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(920): I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips http://tfl.nu/g3ng

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear

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(952): You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear http://tfl.nu/fvq9

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(636): View more from Missouri

hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?

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(636): hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls? http://tfl.nu/dqbw

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(520): View more from Arizona

He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

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(520): He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep. http://tfl.nu/tjlf

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(309): View more from Illinois

I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.

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(309): I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking. http://tfl.nu/amrn

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(808): View more from Hawaii

you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe

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(808): you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe http://tfl.nu/mori

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(317): View more from Indiana

having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween

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(317): having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween http://tfl.nu/sqve

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(518): I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being. http://tfl.nu/lv2s

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(804): View more from Virginia

Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"

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(804): Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?" http://tfl.nu/agco

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad

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(+64): i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad http://tfl.nu/7gyh

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday

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(307): Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday http://tfl.nu/9dt4

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(905): View more from Ontario

Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots

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(905): Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots http://tfl.nu/aobh

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(650): View more from California

You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...

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(650): You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom... http://tfl.nu/m3m8

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(303): View more from Colorado

They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.

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(303): They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other. http://tfl.nu/yacp

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(440): View more from Ohio

I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.

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(440): I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues. http://tfl.nu/ej4i

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(910): View more from North Carolina

me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.

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(910): me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a. http://tfl.nu/1fan

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(520): View more from Arizona

I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.

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(520): I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training. http://tfl.nu/cz3b

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(314): View more from Missouri

He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.

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(314): He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary. http://tfl.nu/wb27

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card

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(832): I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card http://tfl.nu/wrdz

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(402): View more from Nebraska

From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.

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(402): From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own. http://tfl.nu/wlot

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it was like getting a handjob from robocop

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(412): it was like getting a handjob from robocop http://tfl.nu/4yuu

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(212): View more from New York

He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall

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(212): He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall http://tfl.nu/usfu

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.

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(403): I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants. http://tfl.nu/wgp8

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(978): I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now. http://tfl.nu/xddc

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(202): you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry. http://tfl.nu/e7cu

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(919): View more from North Carolina

everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.

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(919): everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle. http://tfl.nu/lm2e

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(913): View more from Kansas

You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .

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(913): You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" . http://tfl.nu/nj3u

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(519): View more from Ontario

What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?

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(519): What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand? http://tfl.nu/srza

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

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(250): you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday". http://tfl.nu/bzic

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(865): View more from Tennessee

just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.

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(865): just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke. http://tfl.nu/o9qp

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(407): View more from Florida

And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.

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(407): And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword. http://tfl.nu/gcmk

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(816): View more from Missouri

Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!

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(816): Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?! http://tfl.nu/dodw

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(845): View more from New York

i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out

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(845): i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out http://tfl.nu/p8nx

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(415): View more from California

You kept trying to hail an ambulance

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(415): You kept trying to hail an ambulance http://tfl.nu/adc4

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.

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(919): My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD. http://tfl.nu/zazo

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(720): View more from Colorado

Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.

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(720): Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head. http://tfl.nu/67uq

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(626): View more from California

All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.

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(626): All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me. http://tfl.nu/0mc8

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(315): View more from New York

i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

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(315): i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over. http://tfl.nu/n0ys

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(210): View more from Texas

he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me

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(210): he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me http://tfl.nu/5qy1

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(817): View more from Texas

he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur

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(817): he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur http://tfl.nu/33k4

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups

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(651): i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups http://tfl.nu/8ph5

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(512): View more from Texas

She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers

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(512): She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers http://tfl.nu/jy5e

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(636): View more from Missouri

I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high

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(636): I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high http://tfl.nu/wyfj

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(206): View more from Washington

No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.

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(206): No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher. http://tfl.nu/9rva

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.

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(814): I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild. http://tfl.nu/qodr

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands

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(617): the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands http://tfl.nu/ha5y

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost

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(215): Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost http://tfl.nu/oth1

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(704): View more from North Carolina

a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.

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(704): a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you. http://tfl.nu/45tv

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(559): View more from California

Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10

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(559): Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10 http://tfl.nu/1xln

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand

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(202): I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand http://tfl.nu/1ole

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(614): View more from Ohio

she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.

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(614): she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie. http://tfl.nu/xhiw

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(954): View more from Florida

8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.

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(954): 8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on. http://tfl.nu/8x7p

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(718): View more from New York

He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.

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(718): He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise. http://tfl.nu/c0nn

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.

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(+44): Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though. http://tfl.nu/3f7o

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive

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(814): Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive http://tfl.nu/97qq

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(210): View more from Texas

I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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(210): I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast. http://tfl.nu/qvgk

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs

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(250): Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs http://tfl.nu/msvp

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.

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(717): She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer. http://tfl.nu/9691

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg

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(781): she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg http://tfl.nu/c3oo

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(415): View more from California

Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

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(415): Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting. http://tfl.nu/yl2c

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(214): View more from Texas

Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"

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(214): Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid" http://tfl.nu/i4ng

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(804): View more from Virginia

IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

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(804): IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT http://tfl.nu/e7uf

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(812): View more from Indiana

They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.

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(812): They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban. http://tfl.nu/cwx8

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.

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(785): I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call. http://tfl.nu/1vmr

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(253): View more from Washington

Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out

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(253): Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out http://tfl.nu/bygf

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(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it

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(867): lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it http://tfl.nu/o5td

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(727): View more from Florida

These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.

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(727): These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular. http://tfl.nu/78s0

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(443): View more from Maryland

I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly

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(443): I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly http://tfl.nu/9fzw

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(817): View more from Texas

All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning

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(817): All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning http://tfl.nu/qcnv

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.

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(570): jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along. http://tfl.nu/kf9k

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(646): View more from New York

I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me

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(646): I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me http://tfl.nu/nl48

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(828): View more from North Carolina

proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.

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(828): proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing. http://tfl.nu/uzza

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(616): View more from Michigan

Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband

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(616): Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband http://tfl.nu/lbgd

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(843): View more from South Carolina

so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.

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(843): so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor. http://tfl.nu/1pvp

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.

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(402): I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card. http://tfl.nu/3ttc

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

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(202): the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar http://tfl.nu/f2lj

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(956): Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..." http://tfl.nu/geex

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.

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(402): He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him. http://tfl.nu/b1lr

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(240): Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra? (732): like it was yesterday http://tfl.nu/1org

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.

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(814): if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning. http://tfl.nu/xo3z

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.

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(803): He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex. http://tfl.nu/kpvm

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(404): View more from Georgia

He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."

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(404): He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on." http://tfl.nu/t6j5

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(707): View more from California

She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.

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(707): She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed. http://tfl.nu/z812

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment

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(908): He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment http://tfl.nu/mluf

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(303): View more from Colorado

I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.

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(303): I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM. http://tfl.nu/5j68

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(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

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(+61): She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was... http://tfl.nu/7mx1

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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(617): When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner. http://tfl.nu/g7ai

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(214): View more from Texas

Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.

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(214): Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned. http://tfl.nu/8xw4

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."

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(609): I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila." http://tfl.nu/how1

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(248): View more from Michigan

the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky

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(248): the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky http://tfl.nu/6tb5

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy

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(608): the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy <3's balls" is written in sharpie across my forehead http://tfl.nu/cffy

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(757): View more from Virginia

I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

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(757): I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!" http://tfl.nu/94sw

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(703): View more from Virginia

Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'

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(703): Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks' http://tfl.nu/njwf

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(540): View more from Virginia

Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there

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(540): Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there http://tfl.nu/4j17

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

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(609): You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke. http://tfl.nu/1rx3

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.

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(603): So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find. http://tfl.nu/dz78

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(702): View more from Nevada

So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"

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(702): So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this" http://tfl.nu/lsrz

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(719): View more from Colorado

He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"

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(719): He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that" http://tfl.nu/ec8j

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.

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(814): Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh. http://tfl.nu/s2cz

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(406): View more from Montana

I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"

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(406): I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money" http://tfl.nu/7mg6

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(661): View more from California

Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.

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(661): Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple. http://tfl.nu/553h

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(310): While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating. http://tfl.nu/umg8

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(425): View more from Washington

Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.

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(425): Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars. http://tfl.nu/v0mr

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(901): View more from Tennessee

we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.

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(901): we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly. http://tfl.nu/dwqa

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(772): View more from Florida

you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted

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(772): you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted http://tfl.nu/vebg

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

didn't that happen to you last weekend?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

shut up.

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(781): i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention. (1-781): didn't that happen to you last weekend? (781): shut up. http://tfl.nu/cv2d

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.

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(732): He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it. http://tfl.nu/hjdx

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(240): View more from Maryland

she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.

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(240): she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever. http://tfl.nu/656k

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.

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(815): I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed. http://tfl.nu/ikx6

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(812): View more from Indiana

She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.

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(812): She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used. http://tfl.nu/jpfz

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(425): View more from Washington

my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.

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(425): my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired. http://tfl.nu/08pz

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this

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(978): Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this http://tfl.nu/fyek

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(330): View more from Ohio

he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.

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(330): he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60. http://tfl.nu/7fqw

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(314): View more from Missouri

In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.

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(314): In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night. http://tfl.nu/bhg6

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(678): View more from Georgia

You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"

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(678): You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs" http://tfl.nu/8pn3

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(419): View more from Ohio

The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .

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(419): The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. . http://tfl.nu/zh9v

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(562): View more from California

Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up

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(562): Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up http://tfl.nu/thrv

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(443): View more from Maryland

ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...

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(443): ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads... http://tfl.nu/avzw

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh

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(330): I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh http://tfl.nu/7tof

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(616): View more from Michigan

I wannas sexs uuuuu

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(616) I wannas sexs uuuuu http://tfl.nu/1vml

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin

(262): View more from Wisconsin

your sister was..

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(603): she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin (262): your sister was.. http://tfl.nu/c3sq

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(720): View more from Colorado

yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers

(1-720): View more from Colorado

eat her like coffee?

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(720): yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers (1-720): eat her like coffee? http://tfl.nu/6p99

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.

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(970): Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well. http://tfl.nu/7lfy

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(847): View more from Illinois

another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?

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(847): another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life? http://tfl.nu/u1gt

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(573): View more from Missouri

Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.

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(573): Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life. http://tfl.nu/evuh

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(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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(864): no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job. http://tfl.nu/97jt

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

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(902): You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear" http://tfl.nu/r2vo

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(207): View more from Maine

You said your dick dragged you up the stairs

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(207): You said your dick dragged you up the stairs http://tfl.nu/g6yn

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(916): View more from California

Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.

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(916): Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus. http://tfl.nu/w1gl

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.

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(401): Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight. http://tfl.nu/rdc4

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(740): View more from Ohio

I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream

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(740): I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream http://tfl.nu/eta2

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(806): View more from Texas

I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.

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(806): I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned. http://tfl.nu/pksd

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(240): View more from Maryland

He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?

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(240): He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half? http://tfl.nu/4690

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(562): View more from California

I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.

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(562): I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial. http://tfl.nu/180u

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(804): View more from Virginia

he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms

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(804): he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms http://tfl.nu/3xwg

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(253): View more from Washington

So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas

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(253): So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas http://tfl.nu/0wvi

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(949): Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN. http://tfl.nu/2o4b

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(757): View more from Virginia

You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....

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(757): You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors.... http://tfl.nu/43xp

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(207): View more from Maine

we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?

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(207): we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet? http://tfl.nu/uydl

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(250): View more from British Columbia

she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza

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(250): she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza http://tfl.nu/2a0o

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(443): We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status. http://tfl.nu/kzoi

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(509): View more from Washington

They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.

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(509): They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried. http://tfl.nu/h9l8

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(250): View more from British Columbia

He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...

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(250): He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock... http://tfl.nu/tura

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

And to think..we used to do everything sober...

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(724): And to think..we used to do everything sober... http://tfl.nu/tbey

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.

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(401): I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs. http://tfl.nu/di07

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(516): View more from New York

the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY

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(516): the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY http://tfl.nu/b20j

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(310): View more from California

The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.

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(310): The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss. http://tfl.nu/o71q

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(612): View more from Minnesota

you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier

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(612): you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier http://tfl.nu/qh8d

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(619): View more from California

I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.

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(619): I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me. http://tfl.nu/zz8y

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(908): View more from New Jersey

So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.

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(908): So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all. http://tfl.nu/ms6m

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(505): View more from New Mexico

he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.

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(505): he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment. http://tfl.nu/v3fi

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(651): View more from Minnesota

a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?

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(651): a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore? http://tfl.nu/vjlb

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(706): View more from Georgia

So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.

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(706): So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob. http://tfl.nu/v79f

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(778): View more from British Columbia

You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it

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(778): You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it http://tfl.nu/gf74

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.

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(859): you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'. http://tfl.nu/aatj

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(636): View more from Missouri

they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??

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(636): they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach?? http://tfl.nu/tf8e

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(305): View more from Florida

If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there

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(305): If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there http://tfl.nu/dyet

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(618): View more from Illinois

You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs

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(618): You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs http://tfl.nu/0h2n

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(850): View more from Florida

my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.

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(850): my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster. http://tfl.nu/974x

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude you has no fucking this poptart

(719): View more from Colorado

What?

(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont know to explain this.

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(843): Dude you has no fucking this poptart (719): What? (843): I dont know to explain this. http://tfl.nu/kk1s

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing

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(+31): Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing http://tfl.nu/rk5x

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(480): View more from Arizona

New game: find the sober person in Tbell

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(480): New game: find the sober person in Tbell http://tfl.nu/sv6g

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(517): View more from Michigan

The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

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(517): The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came http://tfl.nu/4ft9

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(334): He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning. http://tfl.nu/odgl

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(517): View more from Michigan

He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time

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(517): He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time http://tfl.nu/hxad

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(619): View more from California

Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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(619): Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich http://tfl.nu/k8p8

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(718): View more from New York

Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.

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(718): Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much. http://tfl.nu/absj

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can

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(610): Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can http://tfl.nu/8h8s

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(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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(847): You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head http://tfl.nu/hdz6

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(218): View more from Minnesota

he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this

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(218): he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this http://tfl.nu/jsty

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?

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(973): Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes? http://tfl.nu/t0sq

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(619): View more from California

Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.

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(619): Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen. http://tfl.nu/rhei

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

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(217): Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside http://tfl.nu/d6yu

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(925): View more from California

Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.

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(925): Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear. http://tfl.nu/48r4

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(303): View more from Colorado

Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.

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(303): Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent. http://tfl.nu/g68o

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(574): View more from Indiana

almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea

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(574): almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea http://tfl.nu/8a1h

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(731): View more from Tennessee

He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....

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(731): He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars.... http://tfl.nu/aa23

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(443): View more from Maryland

This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.

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(443): This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night. http://tfl.nu/mfsu

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(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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(518): he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials." http://tfl.nu/vm6j

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(386): View more from Florida

I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.

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(386): I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music. http://tfl.nu/9pnm

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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(320): I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on. http://tfl.nu/x1xg

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(253): View more from Washington

Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.

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(253): Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me. http://tfl.nu/6zni

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

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(774): Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n (617): Why am I even shocked you're doing this.... http://tfl.nu/y7yp

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(562): View more from California

you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.

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(562): you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again. http://tfl.nu/7o6u

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?

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(412): seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party? http://tfl.nu/4j0b

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(619): View more from California

I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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(619): I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning. http://tfl.nu/8wyf

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?

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(615): Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER? http://tfl.nu/yz8w

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(859): View more from Kentucky

They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.

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(859): They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college. http://tfl.nu/okdu

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(785): View more from Kansas

Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".

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(785): Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets". http://tfl.nu/227d

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.

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(321): You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again. http://tfl.nu/dbiz

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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(732): I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome. http://tfl.nu/zzpw

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(908): View more from New Jersey

If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

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(908): If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple." http://tfl.nu/0gie

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(910): View more from North Carolina

whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes

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(910): whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes http://tfl.nu/crfp

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(305): View more from Florida

you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store

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(305): you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store http://tfl.nu/0ult

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(845): View more from New York

You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.

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(845): You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately. http://tfl.nu/vwdv

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(804): View more from Virginia

i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song

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(804): i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song http://tfl.nu/watz

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(225): View more from Louisiana

She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us

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(225): She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us http://tfl.nu/zfzd

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(703): View more from Virginia

Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.

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(703): Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/f3x3

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(812): View more from Indiana

You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party

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(812): You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party http://tfl.nu/gmt6

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(214): View more from Texas

New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.

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(214): New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle. http://tfl.nu/kelj

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(317): View more from Indiana

He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.

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(317): He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me. http://tfl.nu/3k3l

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(818): View more from California

i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign

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(818): i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign http://tfl.nu/0lhe

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(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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(416): He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n http://tfl.nu/pe4m

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(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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(917): I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant http://tfl.nu/lnj1

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(802): View more from Vermont

hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up

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(802): hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up http://tfl.nu/zwwo

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"

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(570): as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing" http://tfl.nu/9hoo

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(630): View more from Illinois

You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot

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(630): You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot http://tfl.nu/u2s7

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(207): View more from Maine

Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.

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(207): Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us. http://tfl.nu/mqg9

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.

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(910): I just made Jack Daniels snow cones. http://tfl.nu/ca8x

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.

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(508): I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch. http://tfl.nu/jvw8

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(309): View more from Illinois

ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.

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(309): ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet. http://tfl.nu/oxv5

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.

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(321): Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right. http://tfl.nu/ehig

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.

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(701): Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real. http://tfl.nu/s47d

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(516): View more from New York

The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

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(516): The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina". http://tfl.nu/tnih

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you tipped EVERY employee at white castle

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(732): you tipped EVERY employee at white castle http://tfl.nu/d5zv

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(352): View more from Florida

Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.

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(352): Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person. http://tfl.nu/l0db

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(303): View more from Colorado

She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

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(303): She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan. http://tfl.nu/jf6q

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(757): View more from Virginia

You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"

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(757): You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis" http://tfl.nu/xzec

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(816): View more from Missouri

she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.

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(816): she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL. http://tfl.nu/ostw

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(630): View more from Illinois

I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.

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(630): I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit. http://tfl.nu/afy7

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(802): View more from Vermont

just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!

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(802): just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke! http://tfl.nu/q0f1

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(917): View more from New York City

You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking

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(917): You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking http://tfl.nu/a0v5

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(913): View more from Kansas

are you going to last longer than 15 seconds

(1-913): View more from Kansas

nope

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(913): are you going to last longer than 15 seconds (1-913): nope http://tfl.nu/rdaj

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(803): View more from South Carolina

The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....

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(803): The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german.... http://tfl.nu/l2d8

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(320): View more from Minnesota

so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..

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(320): so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville.. http://tfl.nu/vgyl

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(505): View more from New Mexico

She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.

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(505): She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night. http://tfl.nu/d1vk

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(602): View more from Arizona

I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.

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(602): I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door. http://tfl.nu/hvfb

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(423): View more from Tennessee

it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.

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(423): it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like. http://tfl.nu/iipz

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(631): View more from New York

I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude

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(631): I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude http://tfl.nu/oumf

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(209): View more from California

You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.

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(209): You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed. http://tfl.nu/9lg8

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(949): View more from California

Getting food. Want anything?

(1-949): View more from California

Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce

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(949): Getting food. Want anything? (1-949): Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce http://tfl.nu/xicu

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.

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(859): Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive. http://tfl.nu/9k83

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(845): View more from New York

just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.

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(845): just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever. http://tfl.nu/d1ay

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...

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(202): did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this... http://tfl.nu/5zp7

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(208): View more from Idaho

Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.

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(208): Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible. http://tfl.nu/1gp8

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(773): View more from Illinois

he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.

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(773): he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex. http://tfl.nu/ci3t

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.

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(402): I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over. http://tfl.nu/b7hl

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(415): View more from California

The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?

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(415): The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish? http://tfl.nu/s0dr

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(407): View more from Florida

It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

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(407): It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest. http://tfl.nu/ndz5

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

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(832): We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College." http://tfl.nu/3hlg

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(330): View more from Ohio

The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.

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(330): The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops. http://tfl.nu/2l9n

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(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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(708): youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer http://tfl.nu/xxdd

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out

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(508): he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out http://tfl.nu/cxh0

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(917): View more from New York City

He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

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(917): He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now http://tfl.nu/4db9

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(248): View more from Michigan

i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.

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(248): i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid. http://tfl.nu/t711

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(916): View more from California

I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...

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(916): I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one... http://tfl.nu/z7kq

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!

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(732): I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body! http://tfl.nu/a54s

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(408): View more from California

you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

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(408): you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face http://tfl.nu/f86d

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(240): View more from Maryland

He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...

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(240): He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow... http://tfl.nu/tod7

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(305): View more from Florida

I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.

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(305): I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry. http://tfl.nu/el5m

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(303): View more from Colorado

After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."

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(303): After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot." http://tfl.nu/jk33

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(407): View more from Florida

I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.

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(407): I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk. http://tfl.nu/exk9

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(512): View more from Texas

Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.

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(512): Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had. http://tfl.nu/4hqu

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(845): View more from New York

So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.

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(845): So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation. http://tfl.nu/fvna

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(248): View more from Michigan

Her vagina should come with caution tape.

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(248): Her vagina should come with caution tape. http://tfl.nu/ca9x

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(406): View more from Montana

Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.

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(406): Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns. http://tfl.nu/ywpq

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(240): View more from Maryland

you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters

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(240): you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters http://tfl.nu/0u7p

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(954): View more from Florida

everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone

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(954): everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone http://tfl.nu/mp6q

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you

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(509): Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you http://tfl.nu/tpo5

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD

(206): View more from Washington

Or, you could have used a condom

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(808): Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD (206): Or, you could have used a condom http://tfl.nu/0l3i

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(519): View more from Ontario

I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.

(519): View more from Ontario

She did the bend and snap...

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(519): I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy. (519): She did the bend and snap... http://tfl.nu/78hn

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(601): View more from Mississippi

i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone

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(601): i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone http://tfl.nu/50pu

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(469): View more from Texas

You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.

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(469): You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that. http://tfl.nu/9raa

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(563): View more from Iowa

his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?

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(563): his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off? http://tfl.nu/hp8b

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(815): View more from Illinois

I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?

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(815): I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed? http://tfl.nu/umcp

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.

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(604): Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub. http://tfl.nu/91f9

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(620): View more from Kansas

I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.

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(620): I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks. http://tfl.nu/lsv9

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(801): View more from Utah

He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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(801): He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often. http://tfl.nu/6bnz

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(281): View more from Texas

I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.

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(281): I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO. http://tfl.nu/9byh

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(505): View more from New Mexico

We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"

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(505): We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!" http://tfl.nu/sk68

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.

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(402): I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members. http://tfl.nu/ande

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(801): View more from Utah

So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away

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(801): So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away http://tfl.nu/h2fc

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�

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(+44): Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles. http://tfl.nu/yunu

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

Your godly.

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(403): Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation. (1-403): Your godly. http://tfl.nu/7li2

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!

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(336): Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!! http://tfl.nu/krm8

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(918): when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace. http://tfl.nu/irh2

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(416): View more from Toronto

Best. Handjob. Ever.

(905): View more from Ontario

I'm guessing Kelly is over?

(416): View more from Toronto

Nope. Home alone.

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(416): Best. Handjob. Ever. (905): I'm guessing Kelly is over? (416): Nope. Home alone. http://tfl.nu/vpw4

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.

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(651): I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle. http://tfl.nu/juw9

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.

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(781): Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning. (1-781): I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon. http://tfl.nu/wxu1

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(603): Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk. http://tfl.nu/ivw8

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.

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(814): shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step. http://tfl.nu/6g1i

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

(973): View more from New Jersey

What's this douchebags name?

(908): View more from New Jersey

Rob...

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(908): He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!" (973): What's this douchebags name? (908): Rob... http://tfl.nu/raez

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great

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(908): Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great http://tfl.nu/tjsf

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(905): View more from Toronto

FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.

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(905): FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk. http://tfl.nu/mb8o

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(386): View more from Florida

smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.

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(386): smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina. http://tfl.nu/3vsv

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(650): View more from California

Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.

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(650): Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us. http://tfl.nu/ztab

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(706): View more from Georgia

im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick

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(706): im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick http://tfl.nu/2n7z

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(646): View more from New York

jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times

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(646): jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times http://tfl.nu/h14v

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(660): View more from Missouri

We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.

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(660): We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend. http://tfl.nu/9y0s

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(310): View more from California

just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.

(310): View more from California

now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!

(310): View more from California

whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?

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(310): just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy. (310):now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!! (310):whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea? http://tfl.nu/30gl

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.

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(540): I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse. http://tfl.nu/5mjb

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(330): so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister (216): i hate you http://tfl.nu/9cj0

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?

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(610): I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show? http://tfl.nu/56pk

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(505): View more from New Mexico

While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.

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(505): While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/0pt9

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(413): Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW" http://tfl.nu/hdte

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(917): M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. http://tfl.nu/5zhv

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(806): View more from Texas

All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

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(806): All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots" http://tfl.nu/28dj

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(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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(786): He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets." http://tfl.nu/13ll

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(313): View more from Michigan

We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense

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(313): We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense http://tfl.nu/elta

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(501): View more from Arkansas

i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there

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(501): i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there http://tfl.nu/kuz7

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(732): View more from New Jersey

So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.

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(732): So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes. http://tfl.nu/cehz

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won. http://tfl.nu/tu5d

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(578): View more from

drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm

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(578): drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm http://tfl.nu/89pn

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(563): Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade http://tfl.nu/sv7y

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(734): View more from Michigan

swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.

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(734): swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense. http://tfl.nu/wj9q

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril

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(603): judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril http://tfl.nu/m6dd

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(303): View more from Colorado

How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend

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(303): How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend http://tfl.nu/ip7i

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(949): View more from California

You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?

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(949): You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5? http://tfl.nu/3tc1

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(770): View more from Georgia

Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex

(404): View more from Georgia

Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut

(770): View more from Georgia

Fuck. Wron person. But yea

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(770): Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex (404): Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut (770): Fuck. Wron person. But yea http://tfl.nu/bsak

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(601): View more from Mississippi

hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?

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(601): hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow? http://tfl.nu/vvua

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(816): View more from Missouri

if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.

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(816): if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin. http://tfl.nu/cu5c

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(912): View more from Georgia

you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.

(919): View more from North Carolina

That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.

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(912): you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet. (919): That explains the puddle of pee in my closet. http://tfl.nu/tfvg

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.

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(843): Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call. http://tfl.nu/3web

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(301): View more from Maryland

She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....

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(301): She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice.... http://tfl.nu/0ncm

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(317): View more from Indiana

So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?

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(317): So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road? http://tfl.nu/ir52

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(315): View more from New York

I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"

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(315): I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy" http://tfl.nu/ekfn

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(519): View more from Ontario

You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

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(519): You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know. http://tfl.nu/dzr5

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?

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(252): Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot? http://tfl.nu/byc9

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(512): View more from Texas

the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

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(512): the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys http://tfl.nu/w106

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(647): View more from Ontario

I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.

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(647): I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms. http://tfl.nu/aw2i

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(914): she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it" http://tfl.nu/fy2z

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(541): View more from Oregon

I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.

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(541): I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god. http://tfl.nu/ci1f

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(661): View more from California

My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss

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(661): My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss http://tfl.nu/25zw

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.

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(919): It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk. http://tfl.nu/1top

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(302): View more from Delaware

she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>

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(302): she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to => http://tfl.nu/cnq4

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.

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(+44): I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life. http://tfl.nu/7cvo

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.

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(847): I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever. http://tfl.nu/av4z

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(646): View more from New York

he just put it in my mouth and said "go"

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(646): he just put it in my mouth and said "go" http://tfl.nu/nvzb

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.

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(403): I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go. http://tfl.nu/eq2k

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(619): View more from California

just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.

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(619): just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing. http://tfl.nu/ezjd

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(702): View more from Nevada

she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

(702): View more from Nevada

now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

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(702): she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave. (702): now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like" http://tfl.nu/f7jt

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.

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(215): I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box. http://tfl.nu/99g0

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(219): View more from Indiana

I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.

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(219): I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore. http://tfl.nu/bvdb

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(514): View more from Quebec

please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...

(1-514): View more from Quebec

Does an alley count?

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(514): please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom... (1-514): Does an alley count? http://tfl.nu/n7ir

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(206): View more from Washington

I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!

(253): View more from Washington

Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.

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(206): I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night! (253): Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out. http://tfl.nu/4dtb

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(508): I'm so horny! (781): I'm so hungry (508): WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY! (781): For your pussy... http://tfl.nu/7j50

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, if you don't take her, I will.

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(901): She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle. (1-901): Dude, if you don't take her, I will. http://tfl.nu/8ufn

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(203): there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them (718): pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed http://tfl.nu/7id4

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

well apparently not.

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(978): saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in? (1-978): well apparently not. http://tfl.nu/kqax

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.

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(609): Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine. http://tfl.nu/cx6r

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i'm watching the fashion show on bravo

(262): View more from Wisconsin

you're cheating on project runway?

(919): View more from North Carolina

if you can't score coke, you buy crack.

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(919): i'm watching the fashion show on bravo (262): you're cheating on project runway? (919): if you can't score coke, you buy crack. http://tfl.nu/k398

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I'm eager to hear this explaination.

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(423): Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog... (1-423): I'm eager to hear this explaination. http://tfl.nu/jgrb

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(732): You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice http://tfl.nu/hsgc

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.

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(610): my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while. http://tfl.nu/6x6m

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(404): View more from Georgia

to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy

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(404): to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy http://tfl.nu/vv9t

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(727): View more from Florida

She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

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(727): She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek. http://tfl.nu/rrn9

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(519): my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar. (1-519): You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make. http://tfl.nu/j6t1

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(469): View more from Texas

I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!

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(469): I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!! http://tfl.nu/b8q7

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(270): View more from Kentucky

She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill

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(270): She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill http://tfl.nu/d0h5

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(678): View more from Georgia

why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?

(770): View more from Georgia

I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle

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(678): why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning? (770): I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle http://tfl.nu/6kcj

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(415): View more from California

i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap

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(415): i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap http://tfl.nu/bmh2

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(308): View more from Nebraska

What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?

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(308): What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts? http://tfl.nu/w182

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.

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(781): Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?! (781): Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze. http://tfl.nu/sc14

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(732): View more from New Jersey

all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

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(732): all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time (1-732): swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph http://tfl.nu/tobf

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(774): I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass. http://tfl.nu/6q4x

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(404): View more from Georgia

His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.

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(404): His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me. http://tfl.nu/ej9i

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(818): View more from California

Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.

(818): View more from California

And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.

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(818): Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas. (818): And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you. http://tfl.nu/hyux

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(513): View more from Ohio

she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."

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(513): she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead." http://tfl.nu/j1dy

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(734): View more from Michigan

i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.

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(734): i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left. http://tfl.nu/94x2

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(716): View more from New York

He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid

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(716): He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid http://tfl.nu/btyl

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(301): View more from Maryland

she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break

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(301): she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break http://tfl.nu/l0jq

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(317): View more from Indiana

sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".

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(317): sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru". http://tfl.nu/gnr7

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.

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(843): Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca. http://tfl.nu/m05t

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent

(860): View more from Connecticut

fuckk wrong person

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

.. who was that for? a girlscout?

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(860): I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent (860): fuckk wrong person (1-860):.. who was that for? a girlscout? http://tfl.nu/6peq

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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(203): You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly. http://tfl.nu/n1s3

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(407): View more from Florida

we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her

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(407): we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her http://tfl.nu/n8un

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?

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(843): I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome? http://tfl.nu/1lt0

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(214): View more from Texas

Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.

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(214): Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me. http://tfl.nu/otui

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(519): View more from Ontario

I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.

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(519): I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex. http://tfl.nu/m5l5

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(519): View more from Ontario

I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick

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(519): I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick http://tfl.nu/bx5i

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.

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(908): I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool. http://tfl.nu/5y98

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(907): View more from Alaska

is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?

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(907): is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk? http://tfl.nu/2ehj

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(805): View more from California

do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?

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(805): do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland? http://tfl.nu/lpb9

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(205): View more from Alabama

soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out

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(205): soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out http://tfl.nu/q1wd

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(650): View more from California

This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"

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(650): This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case" http://tfl.nu/fgo6

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(949): View more from California

she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."

(949): View more from California

little did she know i was taping her the whole time.

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(949): she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket." (949): little did she know i was taping her the whole time. http://tfl.nu/jcur

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap

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(631): View more from New York

I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.

(1-631): View more from New York

I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.

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(631): I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified. (1-631): I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes. http://tfl.nu/l5ui

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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(608): you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?" http://tfl.nu/0sa8

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..

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(978): He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet.. http://tfl.nu/dgrg

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.

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(704): Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker. http://tfl.nu/w3ss

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina

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(405): just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv (1-405): we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina http://tfl.nu/dapc

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...

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(610): Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick... http://tfl.nu/36kw

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?

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(250): Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep? http://tfl.nu/pboz

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(831): View more from California

you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger

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(831): you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger http://tfl.nu/xtvv

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(209): View more from California

I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.

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(209): I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him. http://tfl.nu/e78z

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(416): View more from Ontario

I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...

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(416): I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment... http://tfl.nu/srde

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(212): View more from New York

??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.

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(212): ??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years. http://tfl.nu/7axl

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(585): View more from New York

there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk

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(585): there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk http://tfl.nu/9sjy

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(734): View more from Michigan

He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.

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(734): He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another. http://tfl.nu/sx70

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(207): View more from Maine

I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.

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(207): I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee. http://tfl.nu/4bjn

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(518): View more from New York

The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?

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(518): The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right? http://tfl.nu/odtd

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(760): View more from California

genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex

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(760): genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex http://tfl.nu/ckcw

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(530): View more from California

He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away

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(530): He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away http://tfl.nu/6kvy

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(03): View more from

you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!

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(03): you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!! http://tfl.nu/e67e

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.

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(732): I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it. http://tfl.nu/c1o6

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard

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(603): You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard http://tfl.nu/mdqr

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(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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(818): he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror http://tfl.nu/1dr8

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone

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(507): You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone http://tfl.nu/s3uu

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?

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(270): Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house? http://tfl.nu/tnd3

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.

(847): View more from Illinois

parking. I am not drunk

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(847): I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot. (847): parking. I am not drunk http://tfl.nu/zit9

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something

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(570): i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something http://tfl.nu/ax1a

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(810): View more from Michigan

She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.

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(810): She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance. http://tfl.nu/vgvp

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(904): View more from Florida

You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.

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(904): You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus. http://tfl.nu/zy6a

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!

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(321): well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party! http://tfl.nu/cd3j

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(516): View more from New York

my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.

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(516): my mother just offered to pay for my fake id. http://tfl.nu/7t8s

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(516): View more from New York

The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"

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(516): The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse" http://tfl.nu/y3e0

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(856): View more from New Jersey

FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

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(856): FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?! http://tfl.nu/ganv

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!

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(412): Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it! http://tfl.nu/we6e

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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(732): she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love http://tfl.nu/knwu

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(925): View more from California

She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.

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(925): She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again. http://tfl.nu/nmj5

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(914): View more from New York

tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.

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(914): tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw. http://tfl.nu/h6gx

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(303): View more from Colorado

We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it

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(303): We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it http://tfl.nu/osby

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(408): View more from California

No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.

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(408): No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles. http://tfl.nu/hp1m

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.

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(702): I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad. http://tfl.nu/4uh2

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(818): View more from California

The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".

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(818): The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp". http://tfl.nu/1x9v

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(678): View more from Georgia

apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.

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(678): apparently farting at a cop is considered assault. http://tfl.nu/4f0p

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(309): View more from Illinois

$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.

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(309): $35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively. http://tfl.nu/sa2o

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(360): View more from Washington

No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..

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(360): No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down.. http://tfl.nu/yoii

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(818): View more from California

That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff

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(818): That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff http://tfl.nu/4b3c

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(906): View more from Michigan

Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident

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(906): Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident http://tfl.nu/3vk6

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(815): View more from Illinois

I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it

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(815): I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it http://tfl.nu/no3b

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(501): View more from Arkansas

At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening

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(501): At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening http://tfl.nu/z1ws

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(301): View more from Maryland

they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.

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(301): they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with. http://tfl.nu/84m6

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(410): View more from Maryland

When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.

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(410): When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand. http://tfl.nu/fda6

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag

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(908): I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag http://tfl.nu/s6m9

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(770): View more from Georgia

I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.

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(770): I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected. http://tfl.nu/i708

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(513): View more from Ohio

both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage

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(513): both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage http://tfl.nu/uqc7

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(314): View more from Missouri

i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him

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(314): i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him http://tfl.nu/pw5n

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.

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(952): Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages. http://tfl.nu/1djk

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.

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(724): You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night. http://tfl.nu/vcog

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.

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(218): I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care. http://tfl.nu/yew2

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(904): View more from Florida

The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.

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(904): The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him. http://tfl.nu/fka6

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(505): View more from New Mexico

And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.

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(505): And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off. http://tfl.nu/pihu

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(646): View more from New York

I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.

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(646): I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York. http://tfl.nu/ptqc

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(314): View more from Missouri

I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.

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(314): I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window. http://tfl.nu/w8zt

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(716): View more from New York

kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year

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(716): kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year http://tfl.nu/qbpm

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(863): View more from Florida

I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila

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(863): I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila http://tfl.nu/e6je

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(845): View more from New York

Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.

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(845): Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka. http://tfl.nu/zb0y

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(716): View more from New York

Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.

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(716): Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten. http://tfl.nu/4lci

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(718): View more from New York

you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"

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(718): you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass" http://tfl.nu/foy3

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.

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(413): You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant. http://tfl.nu/uoqp

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(409): View more from Texas

Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.

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(409): Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever. http://tfl.nu/fjfv

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.

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(570): remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident. http://tfl.nu/c1ns

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(973): View more from New Jersey

can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters

(973): View more from New Jersey

i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet

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(973): can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters (973): i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet http://tfl.nu/povn

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(870): View more from Arkansas

The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!

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(870): The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!! http://tfl.nu/bjxs

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(905): Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina.. (1-905): With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there. http://tfl.nu/fkqx

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(269): View more from Michigan

Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina

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(269): Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina http://tfl.nu/v4ze

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(970): View more from Colorado

I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now

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(970): I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now http://tfl.nu/72p0

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(810): According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant. http://tfl.nu/aq1y

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(516): View more from New York

I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"

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(516): I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?" http://tfl.nu/niuk

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(319): View more from Iowa

So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."

(319): View more from Iowa

Decisions, decisions.

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(319): So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you." (319): Decisions, decisions. http://tfl.nu/1ou5

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(937): View more from Ohio

You went to church with your boobs hanging out?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.

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(937): You went to church with your boobs hanging out? (978): Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well. http://tfl.nu/nomt

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(213): View more from California

are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town

(1-213): View more from California

well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT

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(213): are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town (1-213): well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT http://tfl.nu/kbwd

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(207): View more from Maine

her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did

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(207): her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did http://tfl.nu/hfoj

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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(860): you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance. http://tfl.nu/1cpz

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(816): View more from Missouri

we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring

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(816): we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring http://tfl.nu/1aqf

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(720): View more from Colorado

just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.

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(720): just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing. http://tfl.nu/182p

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(320): View more from Minnesota

You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.

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(320): You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time. http://tfl.nu/fdjv

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(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

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(770): my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad http://tfl.nu/o7wi

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(301): View more from Maryland

you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.

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(301): you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off. http://tfl.nu/9btz

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks

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(901): Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks http://tfl.nu/a6p7

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(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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(813): I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me. http://tfl.nu/z6eo

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(509): View more from Washington

Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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(509): Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup. http://tfl.nu/26kw

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(317): View more from Indiana

The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.

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(317): The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints. http://tfl.nu/xoq4

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(208): View more from Idaho

Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.

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(208): Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat. http://tfl.nu/qpwr

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(708): View more from Illinois

Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic

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(708): Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic http://tfl.nu/vj27

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(310): View more from California

Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.

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(310): Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever. http://tfl.nu/fsai

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.

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(902): Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl. http://tfl.nu/a7t2

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me

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(215): i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me http://tfl.nu/j6i2

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(770): View more from Georgia

She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.

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(770): She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut. http://tfl.nu/onts

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.

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(651): I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old. http://tfl.nu/njv7

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(731): View more from Tennessee

who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.

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(731): who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you. http://tfl.nu/e0pj

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(410): View more from Maryland

These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.

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(410): These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow. http://tfl.nu/e5qu

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(914): View more from New York

No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.

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(914): No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay. http://tfl.nu/14mn

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.

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(828): Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy. http://tfl.nu/roru

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(916): View more from California

How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.

(1-916): View more from California

Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.

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(916): How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids. (1-916): Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions. http://tfl.nu/28ax

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(615): View more from Tennessee

so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me

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(615): so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me http://tfl.nu/hnft

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(214): View more from Texas

Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.

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(214): Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse. http://tfl.nu/4gmt

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(518): you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!" http://tfl.nu/jby7

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(864): View more from South Carolina

After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!

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(864): After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?! http://tfl.nu/q1jx

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(289): View more from Ontario

I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.

(647): View more from Ontario

It's sore actually

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(289): I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt. (647): It's sore actually http://tfl.nu/hwsg

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(360): View more from Washington

Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?

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(360): Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me? http://tfl.nu/3uhh

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(720): View more from Colorado

My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?

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(720): My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this? http://tfl.nu/za6z

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(850): View more from Florida

We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.

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(850): We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you. http://tfl.nu/tn9h

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"

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(412): Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces" http://tfl.nu/4r9u

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(979): View more from Texas

Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.

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(979): Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina. http://tfl.nu/ikem

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

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(973): So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter http://tfl.nu/eba3

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(248): View more from Michigan

your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.

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(248): your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood. http://tfl.nu/qlw2

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(207): View more from Maine

you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand

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(207): you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand http://tfl.nu/om9i

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(609): View more from New Jersey

just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....

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(609): just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public.... http://tfl.nu/rq3r

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(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

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(352): I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window. (352): Just realized these events may be related. http://tfl.nu/i6sd

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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(501): Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog. http://tfl.nu/8mg1

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

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(908): Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks. http://tfl.nu/ltgr

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just stepped in cum. i hate you.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Thats what happens when you don't swallow.

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(203): i just stepped in cum. i hate you. (603): Thats what happens when you don't swallow. http://tfl.nu/7phl

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer

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(860): you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer http://tfl.nu/h8i3

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(540): View more from Virginia

she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride

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(540): she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride http://tfl.nu/utbu

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.

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(215): he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out. http://tfl.nu/lwob

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(989): View more from Michigan

Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.

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(989): Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me. http://tfl.nu/zahg

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.

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(902): driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are. http://tfl.nu/vxum

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(847): View more from Illinois

2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.

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(847): 2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck. http://tfl.nu/qowh

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(703): View more from Virginia

you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.

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(703): you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still. http://tfl.nu/6jjh

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(425): View more from Washington

I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.

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(425): I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie. http://tfl.nu/58ia

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(925): View more from California

Wait, how do girls masturbate?

(1-925): View more from California

I dunno we use shower heads I guess.

(925): View more from California

..how does it fit?

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(925): Wait, how do girls masturbate? (1-925): I dunno we use shower heads I guess. (925): ..how does it fit? http://tfl.nu/ktf5

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(757): View more from Virginia

apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously

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(757): apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously http://tfl.nu/dgt5

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(315): View more from New York

playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps

(315): View more from New York

warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey

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(315): playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps (315): warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey http://tfl.nu/dgn3

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(480): View more from Arizona

The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag

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(480): The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag http://tfl.nu/fc0e

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(520): View more from Arizona

Have you been tested recently?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune

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(520): Have you been tested recently? (1-520): Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune http://tfl.nu/i2uj

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.

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(225): I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one. http://tfl.nu/gflz

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(845): View more from New York

Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

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(845): Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents. http://tfl.nu/6leg

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(708): View more from Illinois

So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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(708): So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive. http://tfl.nu/w5b0

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(860): View more from Connecticut

at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"

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(860): at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!" http://tfl.nu/hob5

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(301): View more from Maryland

It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.

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(301): It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have. http://tfl.nu/pc4d

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(917): View more from New York City

about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well

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(917): about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well http://tfl.nu/ygjn

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se

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(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.

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(727): Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew. http://tfl.nu/ch0g

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(703): View more from Virginia

You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.

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(703): You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her. http://tfl.nu/ivfo

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(916): View more from California

I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.

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(916): I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum. http://tfl.nu/f301

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(614): View more from Ohio

Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.

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(614): Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong. http://tfl.nu/lm91

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.

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(215): Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless. http://tfl.nu/tw3i

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(630): View more from Illinois

but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.

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(630): but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up. http://tfl.nu/psea

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began

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(570): 12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began http://tfl.nu/mu8u

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.

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(601): I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished. http://tfl.nu/ezge

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(720): View more from Colorado

Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.

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(720): Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown (303): I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself. http://tfl.nu/zmkv

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.

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(403): let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length. http://tfl.nu/s8ds

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(480): View more from Arizona

hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?

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(480): hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener? http://tfl.nu/98l9

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(301): View more from Maryland

I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."

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(301): I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free." http://tfl.nu/6sne

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(304): View more from West Virginia

all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over

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(304): all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over http://tfl.nu/i61z

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(540): View more from Virginia

when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking

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(540): when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking http://tfl.nu/ngdb

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(760): View more from California

I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart

(508): View more from Massachusetts

These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work

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(760): I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart (508): These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work http://tfl.nu/sac2

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion

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(215): I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion http://tfl.nu/gpfj

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(713): View more from Texas

I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...

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(713): I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way... http://tfl.nu/0604

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(813): View more from Florida

I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.

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(813): I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came. http://tfl.nu/sa7y

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.

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(252): I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real. http://tfl.nu/u784

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(812): View more from Indiana

If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.

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(812): If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message. http://tfl.nu/nzcw

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(845): i can't find my house (1-845): we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago. (845): i'm pretty sure my house moved. http://tfl.nu/nzng

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(217): View more from Illinois

What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up

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(217): What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up http://tfl.nu/ae7w

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(251): View more from Alabama

I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.

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(251): I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back. http://tfl.nu/rqzq

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(516): View more from New York

Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.

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(516): Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning. http://tfl.nu/lzds

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.

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(978): He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore. http://tfl.nu/4chi

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(727): View more from Florida

Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"

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(727): Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore" http://tfl.nu/cs3y

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(630): View more from Illinois

She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce

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(630): She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce http://tfl.nu/xuim

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

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(202): He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!" http://tfl.nu/yfbj

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(856): View more from New Jersey

so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.

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(856): so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug. http://tfl.nu/yra7

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(337): View more from Louisiana

if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

so you admit it was good then??

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(337): if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600. (1-337): so you admit it was good then?? http://tfl.nu/xl9i

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(205): View more from Alabama

The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.

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(205): The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with. http://tfl.nu/ihrj

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.

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(402): The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey. http://tfl.nu/ja6h

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(806): You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck." (1-806): Best pick-up line ever! http://tfl.nu/plrf

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting

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(201): i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting http://tfl.nu/qjw5

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(425): View more from Washington

oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog

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(425): oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog http://tfl.nu/rz7h

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(303): View more from Colorado

You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat

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(303): You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat http://tfl.nu/m0wi

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'

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(+44): He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.' http://tfl.nu/uc3v

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.

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(256): Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs. http://tfl.nu/y8sy

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(913): View more from Kansas

checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.

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(913): checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad. http://tfl.nu/40qb

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(480): View more from Arizona

Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?

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(480): Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick? http://tfl.nu/0q5p

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(732): View more from New Jersey

just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer

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(732): just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer http://tfl.nu/hop7

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening

(508): View more from Massachusetts

yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night

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(603): i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening (508): yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night http://tfl.nu/fae5

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(847): View more from Illinois

The panties match.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I'll be right there.

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(847): The panties match. (1-847): I'll be right there. http://tfl.nu/jbhz

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(571): View more from Virginia

We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."

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(571): We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants." http://tfl.nu/wjgr

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(970): View more from Colorado

you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.

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(970): you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake. http://tfl.nu/y1g9

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(970): View more from Colorado

I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis

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(970): I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis http://tfl.nu/924d

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(585): View more from New York

he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?

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(585): he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is? http://tfl.nu/uyol

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(404): View more from Georgia

dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs

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(404): dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs http://tfl.nu/cgkd

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(651): View more from Minnesota

theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it

(651): View more from Minnesota

nevermind its newpaper

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(651): theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it (651): nevermind its newpaper http://tfl.nu/18ms

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(917): View more from New York City

Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.

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(917): Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard. http://tfl.nu/xsvt

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.

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(413): He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m. http://tfl.nu/2wu4

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(360): View more from Washington

super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again

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(360): super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again http://tfl.nu/5apw

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.

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(615): Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night. http://tfl.nu/na81

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

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(412): He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up". http://tfl.nu/5shs

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(520): View more from Arizona

In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.

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(520): In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties. http://tfl.nu/3p0b

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(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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(650): an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty. http://tfl.nu/vy3j

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(765): View more from Indiana

I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

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(765): I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing.. http://tfl.nu/jqwx

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

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(803): Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear. http://tfl.nu/2r4l

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(650): View more from California

Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th

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(650): Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th http://tfl.nu/8el9

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(760): View more from California

when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.

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(760): when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice. http://tfl.nu/5xpe

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(920): i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel. http://tfl.nu/bqxg

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"

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(484): You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?" http://tfl.nu/prc0

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(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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(817): They asked me to help them shop for lingerie. (214): Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better. (817): You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for. http://tfl.nu/hqk4

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.

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(828): I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office. http://tfl.nu/0hvj

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(815): View more from Illinois

i don't really know how much tequila is too much

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(815): i don't really know how much tequila is too much http://tfl.nu/p5o7

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(310): View more from California

so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.

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(310): so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out. http://tfl.nu/anew

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(555): View more from

Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.

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(555): Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me. http://tfl.nu/aho3

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(615): View more from Tennessee

im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.

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(615): im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused. http://tfl.nu/4oz4

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(917): you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere. (720): ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning... (917): no it doesn't. http://tfl.nu/6x89

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point

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(507): I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point http://tfl.nu/celc

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(252): View more from North Carolina

after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?

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(252): after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went? http://tfl.nu/cg2w

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm starting a business if you want to get involved

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

oh boy

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings

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(781): I'm starting a business if you want to get involved (1-781): oh boy (781): Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings http://tfl.nu/e1eb

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(757): View more from Virginia

Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"

(201): View more from New Jersey

hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins

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(757): Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank" (201): hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins http://tfl.nu/g5wh

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.

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(732): the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam. http://tfl.nu/4l2e

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(650): View more from California

We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.

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(650): We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag. http://tfl.nu/1x8m

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(530): View more from California

We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.

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(530): We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers. http://tfl.nu/jnk6

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(517): View more from Michigan

you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii

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(517): you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii http://tfl.nu/lbrx

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(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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(757): I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want... http://tfl.nu/xmvr

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

(410): View more from Maryland

engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

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(717): he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell. (410): engineering majors are such efficient drunks. http://tfl.nu/xm4l

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again

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(732): hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again http://tfl.nu/ne0q

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(289): View more from Ontario

So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already

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(289): So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already http://tfl.nu/wb0t

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(208): View more from Idaho

know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing

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(208): know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing http://tfl.nu/j7xf

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(602): View more from Arizona

And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone

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(602): And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone http://tfl.nu/f58w

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(407): View more from Florida

I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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(407): I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying. http://tfl.nu/u472

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(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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(585): Why was I handcuffed to the roof? (518): It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly http://tfl.nu/nk88

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(519): View more from Ontario

all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"

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(519): all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat" http://tfl.nu/ukas

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(703): View more from Virginia

I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.

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(703): I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history. http://tfl.nu/nchu

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(989): View more from Michigan

I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.

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(989): I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful. http://tfl.nu/07fw

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(816): View more from Missouri

he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

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(816): he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard. http://tfl.nu/weqf

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.

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(708): I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off. http://tfl.nu/0f1b

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(330): View more from Ohio

why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

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(330): why is there cat hair all over my deoderant? (1-330): she wanted to smell more freshershest than you. http://tfl.nu/rk6z

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(606): View more from Kentucky

He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk

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(606): He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk http://tfl.nu/slqk

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(807): View more from Ontario

I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth

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(807): I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth http://tfl.nu/b4j6

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(630): View more from Illinois

slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed

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(630): slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed http://tfl.nu/wcfq

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(720): View more from Colorado

I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls

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(720): I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls http://tfl.nu/uqfq

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(757): View more from Virginia

Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.

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(757): Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore. http://tfl.nu/pqxc

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(217): View more from Illinois

The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.

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(217): The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool. http://tfl.nu/4pl2

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.

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(267): She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point. http://tfl.nu/pwj5

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(647): View more from Ontario

Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?

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(647): Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public? http://tfl.nu/9yr1

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(530): View more from California

I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me

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(530): I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me http://tfl.nu/rrqt

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(219): View more from Indiana

She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.

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(219): She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over. http://tfl.nu/obg8

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.

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(413): I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say. http://tfl.nu/z11c

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.

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(902): you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it. http://tfl.nu/s8ya

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(440): View more from Ohio

i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.

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(440): i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky. http://tfl.nu/4mz4

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(416): View more from Toronto

Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order

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(416): Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order http://tfl.nu/9jwa

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.

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(604): Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling. http://tfl.nu/zskd

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.

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(860): Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth. http://tfl.nu/vl66

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(917): View more from New York City

I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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(917): I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people" http://tfl.nu/5d9d

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(847): View more from Illinois

The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job

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(847): The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job http://tfl.nu/ki5a

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(303): View more from Colorado

I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week

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(303): I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week http://tfl.nu/xhkj

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

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(504): My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed. http://tfl.nu/4z6k

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(248): View more from Michigan

So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in

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(248): So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in http://tfl.nu/mvwo

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger

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(717): He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger http://tfl.nu/u6xr

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(203): you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress' (508): what was i wearing? (203): nothing http://tfl.nu/2bg6

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(240): View more from Maryland

I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

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(240): I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you. http://tfl.nu/xn7n

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo

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(205): I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo http://tfl.nu/nrq4

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(319): View more from Iowa

How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.

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(319): How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules. http://tfl.nu/ttz2

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"

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(919): It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it" http://tfl.nu/8bv4

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.

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(304): I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th. http://tfl.nu/t8ll

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

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(603): not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her http://tfl.nu/t8zc

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(302): View more from Delaware

Who goes to Church hungover

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

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(302): Who goes to Church hungover (717): Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk http://tfl.nu/g7sy

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.

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(843): Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean. http://tfl.nu/s35t

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(440): View more from Ohio

New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."

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(440): New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron." http://tfl.nu/0r6l

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(916): my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out. http://tfl.nu/f1nl

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(420): View more from

So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth

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(420): So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth http://tfl.nu/5fuc

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(678): View more from Georgia

My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch

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(678): My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch http://tfl.nu/nghk

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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(757): Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT" http://tfl.nu/x7ms

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(716): View more from New York

One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.

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(716): One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl. http://tfl.nu/aaag

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(718): View more from New York

...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex

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(718): ...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex http://tfl.nu/2clh

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(402): View more from Nebraska

next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.

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(402): next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first. http://tfl.nu/nkj3

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(561): View more from Florida

The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.

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(561): The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy. http://tfl.nu/an4v

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(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.

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(303): He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool. http://tfl.nu/8q12

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks

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(262): The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks http://tfl.nu/b2le

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(609): i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky (267): like hot dogs and buns. http://tfl.nu/crsi

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(819): View more from Quebec

I woke up to her vacumming the grass

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(819): I woke up to her vacumming the grass http://tfl.nu/p4j1

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...

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(320): Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting... http://tfl.nu/4ynh

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.

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(610): I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity. http://tfl.nu/4je5

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(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

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(530): As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before. http://tfl.nu/b7oy

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.

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(262): I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom. http://tfl.nu/hw22

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.

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(609): We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada. http://tfl.nu/0b9c

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(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

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(303): He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk! http://tfl.nu/z1cd

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.

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(973): Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again. http://tfl.nu/gz8q

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(847): View more from Illinois

as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?

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(847): as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning? http://tfl.nu/weqo

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(678): View more from Georgia

I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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(678): I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head. http://tfl.nu/4u7e

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.

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(864): I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was. http://tfl.nu/wo9k

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(+32): View more from Belgium

We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.

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(+32): We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers. http://tfl.nu/61q6

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(785): View more from Kansas

So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.

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(785): So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again. http://tfl.nu/nxev

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(858): View more from California

It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

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(858): It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain. http://tfl.nu/y8ei

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(207): View more from Maine

I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.

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(207): I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow. http://tfl.nu/e26q

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl

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(901): View more from Tennessee

as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"

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(901): as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air" http://tfl.nu/6w47

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.

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(832): you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would. http://tfl.nu/dwd2

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(519): View more from Ontario

we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"

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(519): we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault" http://tfl.nu/rtah

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?

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(225): I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign? http://tfl.nu/j7ur

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(985): View more from Louisiana

when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

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(985): when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this" http://tfl.nu/g0yg

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

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(337): Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have. http://tfl.nu/wctv

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(703): View more from Virginia

Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.

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(703): Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor. http://tfl.nu/fx2a

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"

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(214): I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt" http://tfl.nu/7s1k

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

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(413): my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out http://tfl.nu/0mnv

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on

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(610): you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on http://tfl.nu/unra

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.

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(304): Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life. http://tfl.nu/t3n8

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me

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(717): i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me http://tfl.nu/mrrk

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(407): View more from Florida

I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.

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(407): I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin. http://tfl.nu/d7w8

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror

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(515): I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror http://tfl.nu/xej5

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(409): View more from Texas

I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop

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(409): I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop http://tfl.nu/6219

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(917): View more from New York City

She saved the condom from the first time we did it.

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(917): She saved the condom from the first time we did it. http://tfl.nu/b22a

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(763): View more from Minnesota

there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.

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(763): there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread. http://tfl.nu/qy40

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(509): View more from Washington

Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?

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(509): Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"? http://tfl.nu/n4zp

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(408): View more from California

I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.

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(408): I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class. http://tfl.nu/di0h

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(360): View more from Washington

I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood

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(360): I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood http://tfl.nu/vxnk

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(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

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(208): She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!" http://tfl.nu/qjvm

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(303): View more from Colorado

Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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(303): Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking. http://tfl.nu/3qfc

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(614): View more from Ohio

you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.

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(614): you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink. http://tfl.nu/tx6g

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(210): View more from Texas

she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?

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(210): she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate? http://tfl.nu/d0z4

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(404): View more from Georgia

Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.

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(404): Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while. http://tfl.nu/n1x9

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(+82): View more from South Korea

You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.

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(+82): You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes. http://tfl.nu/6vdw

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(908): View more from New Jersey

once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed

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(908): once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed http://tfl.nu/z8ll

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.

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(908): I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in. http://tfl.nu/z4b8

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(714): View more from California

drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.

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(714): drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well. http://tfl.nu/2mtg

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings

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(414): saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings http://tfl.nu/clzp

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(716): View more from New York

You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.

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(716): You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook. http://tfl.nu/wajd

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(618): View more from Illinois

It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.

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(618): It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over. http://tfl.nu/n4d4

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.

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(205): I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/44vh

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(312): View more from Illinois

Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

(1-312): View more from Illinois

None of that is ok.

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(312): Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there. (1-312): None of that is ok. http://tfl.nu/fi6r

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(403): Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me. http://tfl.nu/6qnx

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(937): There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich. http://tfl.nu/hmr5

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(410): View more from Maryland

Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."

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(410): Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down." http://tfl.nu/u1mc

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(815): View more from Illinois

May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.

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(815): May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago. http://tfl.nu/4qky

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(201): View more from New Jersey

there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen

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(201): there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen http://tfl.nu/0xt9

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(530): View more from California

There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them

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(530): There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them http://tfl.nu/te5k

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(519): View more from Ontario

You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

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(519): You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do. http://tfl.nu/ggug

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(613): View more from Ontario

ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.

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(613): ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money. http://tfl.nu/in19

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"

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(781): then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints" http://tfl.nu/ml68

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.

(303): View more from Colorado

well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you

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(303): I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like. (303): well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you http://tfl.nu/sccs

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(915): View more from Texas

when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up

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(915): when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up http://tfl.nu/inqg

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(786): View more from Florida

i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.

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(786): i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot. http://tfl.nu/tkrk

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(309): View more from Illinois

so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.

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(309): so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished. http://tfl.nu/wbty

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(541): View more from Oregon

i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.

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(541): i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis. http://tfl.nu/2bxd

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(269): View more from Michigan

Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.

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(269): Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option. http://tfl.nu/dknj

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(770): View more from Georgia

Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?

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(770): Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead? http://tfl.nu/xbgb

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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(412): How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body? (1-412): Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit http://tfl.nu/2oue

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.

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(847): I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night. http://tfl.nu/upkg

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