Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
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