Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
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sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
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