God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
youre lurking in front of me
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You're so nebulous sometimes
I'm really into asian looking animals
I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I'm lost and stupid without you.
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
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