Texts From Last Night · hotblackwoman's Favorites

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hotblackwoman's Favorites Texts:

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(518): View more from New York

I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.

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(660): View more from Missouri

We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out

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(913): View more from Kansas

When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time

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(602): View more from Arizona

for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.

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(706): View more from Georgia

What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.

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(310): View more from California

The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko

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(309): View more from Illinois

I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me

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(248): View more from Michigan

either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

since when the fuck is that glamorous?

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(917): View more from New York City

How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?

(1-917): View more from New York City

I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian

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(731): View more from Tennessee

can we take a shower together?

(901): View more from Tennessee

no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest

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(513): View more from Ohio

I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat

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(917): View more from New York City

They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...

(316): View more from Kansas

Just the budget?

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(949): View more from California

you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.

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(917): View more from New York City

she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her

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(574): View more from Indiana

So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore

(209): View more from California

You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.

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(706): View more from Georgia

So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.

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(972): View more from Texas

My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.

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(206): View more from Washington

My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

(415): View more from California

Why?

(206): View more from Washington

Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(858): View more from California

Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.

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(347): View more from New York

when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

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(703): View more from Virginia

They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.

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(517): View more from Michigan

He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

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(562): View more from California

you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.

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(914): View more from New York

shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness

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(314): View more from Missouri

DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??

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(845): View more from New York

I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

youre welcome

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"

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(502): View more from Kentucky

If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.

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(213): View more from California

Her brother is deaf.

(214): View more from Texas

no wonder she was so good with her hands

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

did u get his digits?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...

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(785): View more from Kansas

he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense

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(702): View more from Nevada

Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

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(816): View more from Missouri

you were mass sexting so we took your phone away

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(904): View more from Florida

I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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(773): View more from Illinois

I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.

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(816): View more from Missouri

she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.

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(812): View more from Indiana

You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party

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(604): View more from British Columbia

All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?

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(309): View more from Illinois

ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse

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(301): View more from Maryland

Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?

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(303): View more from Colorado

She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us

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(916): View more from California

It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment

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(206): View more from Washington

Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.

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(804): View more from Virginia

She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch

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(916): View more from California

I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...

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(301): View more from Maryland

a search helicopter?!

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(416): View more from Toronto

i flashed his best friends last night

(1-416): View more from Toronto

you always were good at making good first impressions

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(507): View more from Minnesota

All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon

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(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

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(914): View more from New York

Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

(914): View more from New York

Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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(517): View more from Michigan

if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..

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(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

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(317): View more from Indiana

What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?

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(804): View more from Virginia

...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks

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(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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(555): View more from

She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.

(555): View more from

Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.

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(801): View more from Utah

So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.

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(979): View more from Texas

We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Best. Handjob. Ever.

(905): View more from Ontario

I'm guessing Kelly is over?

(416): View more from Toronto

Nope. Home alone.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.

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(917): View more from New York City

I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.

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(440): View more from Ohio

We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!

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(727): View more from Florida

hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.

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(765): View more from Indiana

She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed

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(305): View more from Florida

i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot

(1-305): View more from Florida

lets call myth busters

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(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(256): View more from Alabama

He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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(760): View more from California

Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...

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(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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(520): View more from Arizona

So you had sex with my brother?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club

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(816): View more from Missouri

It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea

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(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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(714): View more from California

Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.

(562): View more from California

You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.

(714): View more from California

Well someones bitter they didn't get any.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

He just wants an even tan

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(601): View more from Mississippi

There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.

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(317): View more from Indiana

So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?

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(937): View more from Ohio

I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.

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(616): View more from Michigan

On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick

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(818): View more from California

I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?

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(940): View more from Texas

Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night

(1-940): View more from Texas

I don't have a cat..?

(940): View more from Texas

Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.

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(513): View more from Ohio

she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."

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(415): View more from California

i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap

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(850): View more from Florida

I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.

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(727): View more from Florida

i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I'm eager to hear this explaination.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.

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(330): View more from Ohio

apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about

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(913): View more from Kansas

Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding

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(509): View more from Washington

Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(386): View more from Florida

Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.

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(850): View more from Florida

She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.

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(631): View more from New York

You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..

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(562): View more from California

I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.

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(207): View more from Maine

He violated my cat. I was not impressed.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry

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(618): View more from Illinois

apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

And why did you do that?

(857): View more from Massachusetts

Tequila

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(530): View more from California

You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.

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(418): View more from Quebec

I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i have a girlfriend

(847): View more from Illinois

if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?

(630): View more from Illinois

no

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(678): View more from Georgia

while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.

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(360): View more from Washington

would you consider him our boss?

(503): View more from Oregon

technically yes

(360): View more from Washington

then technically i slept with our boss

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(734): View more from Michigan

I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.

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(407): View more from Florida

At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked

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(530): View more from California

He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away

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(231): View more from Michigan

So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?

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(443): View more from Maryland

i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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(949): View more from California

I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..

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(512): View more from Texas

and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe

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(410): View more from Maryland

When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag

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(770): View more from Georgia

I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills

(262): View more from Wisconsin

how else could I explain the last few years

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(513): View more from Ohio

both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage

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(207): View more from Maine

Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices

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(815): View more from Illinois

I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it

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(952): View more from Minnesota

we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?

(1-678): View more from Georgia

630.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.

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(240): View more from Maryland

It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan

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(515): View more from Iowa

theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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(914): View more from New York

tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..

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(206): View more from Washington

He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".

(781): View more from Massachusetts

It was only one, it doesn't count.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.

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(314): View more from Missouri

i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

A better fuck for starters.

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(813): View more from Florida

well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked

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(720): View more from Colorado

just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.

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(954): View more from Florida

It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school

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(469): View more from Texas

Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life

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(209): View more from California

Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?

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(516): View more from New York

I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"

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(319): View more from Iowa

So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."

(319): View more from Iowa

Decisions, decisions.

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(251): View more from Alabama

As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.

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(408): View more from California

I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.

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(301): View more from Maryland

you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.

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(650): View more from California

he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car

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(954): View more from Florida

Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship

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(813): View more from Florida

I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.

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(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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(509): View more from Washington

Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you

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(+27): View more from South Africa

My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

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(203): View more from Connecticut

the problem with open bar is i never know what to get

(781): View more from Massachusetts

did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."

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(609): View more from New Jersey

just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....

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(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

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(206): View more from Washington

I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.

(1-206): View more from Washington

You are nothing if not reliable.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

At least he's a nutritious stoner...

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(817): View more from Texas

Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.

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(850): View more from Florida

my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?

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(703): View more from Virginia

you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.

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(801): View more from Utah

He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(224): View more from Illinois

get to allyx's house asap

(312): View more from Illinois

Ok is everything ok

(224): View more from Illinois

Yeah, theres just lesbians

(312): View more from Illinois

omg yes on my way

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(916): View more from California

i think i have herpe

(1-916): View more from California

just one?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement

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(845): View more from New York

I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...

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(630): View more from Illinois

Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.

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(708): View more from Illinois

So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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(256): View more from Alabama

dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.

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(301): View more from Maryland

It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.

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(804): View more from Virginia

there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!

(1-804): View more from Virginia

Wait are they playing beer pong to?

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(410): View more from Maryland

you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma

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(520): View more from Arizona

Have you been tested recently?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune

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(317): View more from Indiana

well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.

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(917): View more from New York City

about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(352): View more from Florida

He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.

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(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.

(305): View more from Florida

Did you save them?

(404): View more from Georgia

Who?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex

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(813): View more from Florida

We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.

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(425): View more from Washington

Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...

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(816): View more from Missouri

After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.

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(+54): View more from

My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed

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(773): View more from Illinois

How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?

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(616): View more from Michigan

sometimes you have to go after what you want

(313): View more from Michigan

true. and i really want to cum

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(314): View more from Missouri

Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho

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(727): View more from Florida

Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."

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(909): View more from California

don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

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(310): View more from California

This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder

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(914): View more from New York

Did I miss anything?

(1-914): View more from New York

A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.

(914): View more from New York

so we also did drugs

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.

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(406): View more from Montana

Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...

(303): View more from Colorado

Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up

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(989): View more from Michigan

i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'

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(614): View more from Ohio

My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

(1-614): View more from Ohio

You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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(817): View more from Texas

Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".

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(330): View more from Ohio

My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob

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(765): View more from Indiana

I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.

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(646): View more from New York

But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

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(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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(616): View more from Michigan

whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.

(231): View more from Michigan

i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.

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(518): View more from New York

i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with

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(360): View more from Washington

super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again

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(845): View more from New York

I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge

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(913): View more from Kansas

What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.

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(916): View more from California

Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

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(309): View more from Illinois

why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.

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(+49): View more from Germany

They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!

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(765): View more from Indiana

he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(443): View more from Maryland

He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.

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(310): View more from California

so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just got laid.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!

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(863): View more from Florida

I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.

(901): View more from Tennessee

BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(760): View more from California

when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.

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(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

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(815): View more from Illinois

He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears

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(573): View more from Missouri

I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I just threw up on my dentist

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(205): View more from Alabama

Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..

(256): View more from Alabama

everythings easier when your wearing a toga.

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(330): View more from Ohio

you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.

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(650): View more from California

I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke

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(858): View more from California

Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Have you learned any life lessons?

(406): View more from Montana

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.

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(302): View more from Delaware

It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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(650): View more from California

We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.

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(907): View more from Alaska

It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common

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(281): View more from Texas

I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.

(979): View more from Texas

I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea

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(219): View more from Indiana

By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.

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(703): View more from Virginia

But I thought everyone had breakup sex?

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(309): View more from Illinois

Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.

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(574): View more from Indiana

he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.

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(+47): View more from Norway

i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

(410): View more from Maryland

engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again

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(772): View more from Florida

remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.

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(917): View more from New York City

Eric got herpes from Jo-ann

(914): View more from New York

That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian

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(805): View more from California

Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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(515): View more from Iowa

pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show

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(604): View more from British Columbia

a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?

(604): View more from British Columbia

unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.

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(305): View more from Florida

my head looks like a cockatoo

(1-305): View more from Florida

mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom

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(917): View more from New York City

Um, that's called prostitution

(773): View more from Illinois

Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money

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(765): View more from Indiana

we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

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(561): View more from Florida

you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic

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(416): View more from Ontario

I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.

(1-416): View more from Ontario

u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u

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(310): View more from California

Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.

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(360): View more from Washington

You know you think of me naked too

(210): View more from Texas

Not since I found Jesus

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(517): View more from Michigan

you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii

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(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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(850): View more from Florida

She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever

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(213): View more from California

i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.

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(480): View more from Arizona

West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH

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(469): View more from Texas

Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.

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(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.

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(626): View more from California

Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?

(308): View more from Nebraska

Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.

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(623): View more from Arizona

His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?

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(314): View more from Missouri

The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.

(320): View more from Minnesota

He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.

(406): View more from Montana

Ok, i'm coming over

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(217): View more from Illinois

The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.

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(310): View more from California

It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

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(530): View more from California

I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me

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(219): View more from Indiana

She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

I'll google it

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(434): View more from Virginia

She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.

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(407): View more from Florida

I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.

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(816): View more from Missouri

he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Apparently senior citizens don't like that position

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(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex

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(248): View more from Michigan

He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.

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(469): View more from Texas

you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

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(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

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(210): View more from Texas

Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians

(503): View more from Oregon

How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?

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(607): View more from New York

do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand

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(217): View more from Illinois

Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"

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(720): View more from Colorado

I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.

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(817): View more from Texas

The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.

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(917): View more from New York City

omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.

(310): View more from California

wait, who's paul?

(917): View more from New York City

exactly.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Kelly, is this rhetorical, or sarcastic? You are very kind & quite beautiful, but we never really evolved into anything & your prevailing ambivalence spoke more than words ever could.

(773): View more from Illinois

"We" really do not exist-if we ever did. Both of us may have been hoping for more than was possible.

(773): View more from Illinois

I would enjoy sitting down to talk about the dissolution, but think it may end up being counter productive.

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(631): View more from New York

AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg

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(509): View more from Washington

i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.

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(586): View more from Michigan

But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance

(1-586): View more from Michigan

Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer

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(707): View more from California

why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?

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(630): View more from Illinois

She is in my trunk

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(208): View more from Idaho

My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.

(510): View more from California

YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt

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(248): View more from Michigan

Public safety found my id!

(248): View more from Michigan

And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics

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(337): View more from Louisiana

if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

so you admit it was good then??

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck now we have to have sex

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

What?

(203): View more from Connecticut

In a bet, need to win

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(515): View more from Iowa

So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

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(702): View more from Nevada

is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?

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(937): View more from Ohio

We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.

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(310): View more from California

thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

(1-310): View more from California

you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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(248): View more from Michigan

She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed

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(770): View more from Georgia

who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!

(404): View more from Georgia

you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.

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(714): View more from California

It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time

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(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.

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(415): View more from California

My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.

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(352): View more from Florida

Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.

(1-352): View more from Florida

What?

(352): View more from Florida

Just dont open the beer drawer.

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(904): View more from Florida

Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

(1-904): View more from Florida

six.

(904): View more from Florida

Oh, I thought it was higher.

(1-904): View more from Florida

No, that would be the Matt's

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(661): View more from California

I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it

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(802): View more from Vermont

But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!

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(260): View more from Indiana

A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him

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(613): View more from Ontario

There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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(480): View more from Arizona

I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.

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(510): View more from California

you told grandpa to call you daddy

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(419): View more from Ohio

apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.

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(586): View more from Michigan

conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.

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(602): View more from Arizona

so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.

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(415): View more from California

There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.

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(408): View more from California

Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(409): View more from Texas

There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.

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(409): View more from Texas

He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'

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(404): View more from Georgia

Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

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(207): View more from Maine

Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.

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(770): View more from Georgia

he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players

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(210): View more from Texas

drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend

(1-210): View more from Texas

I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.

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(330): View more from Ohio

It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown

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(480): View more from Arizona

omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

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(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.

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(516): View more from New York

id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though

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(216): View more from Ohio

there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay

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(360): View more from Washington

I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes

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(712): View more from Iowa

The police scanner is talking about you again....

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

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(585): View more from New York

If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays

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(303): View more from Colorado

I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week

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(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.

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(469): View more from Texas

Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.

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(561): View more from Florida

Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?

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(425): View more from Washington

He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can get orange kush...

(586): View more from Michigan

GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!

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(314): View more from Missouri

the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.

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(443): View more from Maryland

There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.

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(850): View more from Florida

Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.

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(917): View more from New York City

I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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(301): View more from Maryland

let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!

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(732): View more from New Jersey

he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo

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(713): View more from Texas

wait, did i just see you litter out your window??

(281): View more from Texas

umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.

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(410): View more from Maryland

This is evicking siegelnvs

(443): View more from Maryland

Im sorry?

(410): View more from Maryland

This is fucking ridiculous*

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(734): View more from Michigan

I wish I had a frozen water bed.

(253): View more from Washington

best. idea. ever.

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(480): View more from Arizona

So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.

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(850): View more from Florida

The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.

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(216): View more from Ohio

It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.

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(239): View more from Florida

Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?

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(315): View more from New York

He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

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(518): View more from New York

I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.

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(951): View more from California

My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.

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(503): View more from Oregon

One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

(503): View more from Oregon

By 8 I mean 9.

(503): View more from Oregon

And by 9 I mean 10.

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(248): View more from Michigan

They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"

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(207): View more from Maine

I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.

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(831): View more from California

I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"

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(703): View more from Virginia

Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again

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(802): View more from Vermont

Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(773): View more from Illinois

When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger

(708): View more from Illinois

You are the reason we need health care reform

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike

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(310): View more from California

I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.

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(510): View more from California

one might say we're banned from that church

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(954): View more from Florida

It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments

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(941): View more from Florida

Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand

(1-856): View more from New Jersey

We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.

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(256): View more from Alabama

smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.

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(740): View more from Ohio

While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Actions speak louder than pants.

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(478): View more from Georgia

I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Well it worked

(330): View more from Ohio

Not the point

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot

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(904): View more from Florida

Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?

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(913): View more from Kansas

his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.

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(330): View more from Ohio

My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for

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(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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(626): View more from California

I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"

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(330): View more from Ohio

fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever

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(302): View more from Delaware

he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...

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(702): View more from Nevada

So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am

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(585): View more from New York

I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.

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(951): View more from California

My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A

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(515): View more from Iowa

What did I eat last night that was bloody?

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Do they take checks?

(1-606): View more from Kentucky

Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?

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(770): View more from Georgia

The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"

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(915): View more from Texas

Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I wish his dick was as long as his hair.

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(210): View more from Texas

I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works

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(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

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(815): View more from Illinois

Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.

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(219): View more from Indiana

she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.

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(440): View more from Ohio

New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."

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(516): View more from New York

we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan

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(703): View more from Virginia

the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.

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(440): View more from Ohio

So you threw a sword at me last night

(419): View more from Ohio

I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down

(919): View more from North Carolina

i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him

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(813): View more from Florida

I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number

(813): View more from Florida

so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.

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(727): View more from Florida

im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night

(303): View more from Colorado

lol who won

(727): View more from Florida

well im in the hospital right now so u tell me

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(303): View more from Colorado

Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store

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(248): View more from Michigan

I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me

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(707): View more from California

You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.

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(815): View more from Illinois

No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

thats actually pretty good logic

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

my cup is half full, half full of rum.

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(516): View more from New York

The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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(716): View more from New York

One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.

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(817): View more from Texas

despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds

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(631): View more from New York

stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well

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(956): View more from Texas

Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.

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(914): View more from New York

2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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(214): View more from Texas

Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.

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(912): View more from Georgia

you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?

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(416): View more from Ontario

that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY

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(970): View more from Colorado

last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

No thats like a top 10

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(443): View more from Maryland

repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?

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(619): View more from California

just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(727): View more from Florida

Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?

(1-727): View more from Florida

I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.

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(+61): View more from Australia

He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker

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(361): View more from Texas

I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..

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(330): View more from Ohio

apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"

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(+62): View more from

This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.

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(607): View more from New York

please dont tell anyone i was drunk

(1-607): View more from New York

you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know

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(410): View more from Maryland

I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.

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(773): View more from Illinois

At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?

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(602): View more from Arizona

I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(979): View more from Texas

if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances

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(210): View more from Texas

This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".

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(770): View more from Georgia

The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

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(760): View more from California

Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

(1-760): View more from California

I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks

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(562): View more from California

In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?

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(269): View more from Michigan

So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.

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(208): View more from Idaho

The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

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(520): View more from Arizona

2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.

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(937): View more from Ohio

just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.

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(678): View more from Georgia

his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.

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(614): View more from Ohio

No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

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(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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(424): View more from California

I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are you still giving blowjobs?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Who is this?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.

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(626): View more from California

Dignity is for republicans.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..

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(917): View more from New York City

I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

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(702): View more from Nevada

She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew

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(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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(858): View more from California

So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night

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(937): View more from Ohio

He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

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(515): View more from Iowa

On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.

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(219): View more from Indiana

The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(703): View more from Virginia

Did you fuck her?

(212): View more from New York

If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.

(614): View more from Ohio

Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money

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(303): View more from Colorado

im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

that was a mass text, wasnt it?

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(913): View more from Kansas

I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."

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(305): View more from Florida

I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn

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(864): View more from South Carolina

so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

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(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?

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(613): View more from Ontario

Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

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(515): View more from Iowa

She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.

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(360): View more from Washington

He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.

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(847): View more from Illinois

as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?

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(516): View more from New York

she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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(514): View more from Quebec

His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.

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(512): View more from Texas

After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

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(214): View more from Texas

She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca

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(208): View more from Idaho

this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this

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(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

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(512): View more from Texas

I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.

(1-512): View more from Texas

Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.

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(512): View more from Texas

Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997

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(317): View more from Indiana

The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.

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(806): View more from Texas

Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I won't be sarcastic... just naked

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(973): View more from New Jersey

remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?

(973): View more from New Jersey

it happened again.

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(208): View more from Idaho

aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.

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(317): View more from Indiana

What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?

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(315): View more from New York

we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.

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(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.

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(647): View more from Ontario

she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'

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(+32): View more from Belgium

We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof

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(972): View more from Texas

Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving

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(925): View more from California

Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends

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(504): View more from Louisiana

she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Are you still at the party or did I leave?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.

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(408): View more from California

How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?

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(773): View more from Illinois

apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.

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(206): View more from Washington

at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.

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(845): View more from New York

my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie

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(719): View more from Colorado

I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"

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(801): View more from Utah

She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.

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(310): View more from California

Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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(317): View more from Indiana

if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?

(317): View more from Indiana

all hypothetical of course

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(813): View more from Florida

Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?

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(325): View more from Texas

my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying

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(314): View more from Missouri

You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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(916): View more from California

day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.

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(518): View more from New York

Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.

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(410): View more from Maryland

just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.

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(513): View more from Ohio

She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....

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(204): View more from Manitoba

this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.

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(949): View more from California

When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.

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(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?

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(917): View more from New York City

Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.

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(817): View more from Texas

This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"

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(309): View more from Illinois

Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building

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(702): View more from Nevada

it was like having sex with a tree stump

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(807): View more from Ontario

I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.

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(678): View more from Georgia

SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.

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(289): View more from Ontario

It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

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(706): View more from Georgia

He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

so yall hooked up?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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(334): View more from Alabama

she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"

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(435): View more from Utah

She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(214): View more from Texas

Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?

(609): View more from New Jersey

And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?

(856): View more from New Jersey

yea

(1-856): View more from New Jersey

turns out that you did...and i just found it.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis

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(248): View more from Michigan

apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.

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(914): View more from New York

I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point

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(845): View more from New York

Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.

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(410): View more from Maryland

A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.

(410): View more from Maryland

and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...

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(520): View more from Arizona

Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.

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(585): View more from New York

he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him

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(480): View more from Arizona

The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag

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(817): View more from Texas

She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.

(1-817): View more from Texas

OMG. What did u say?

(817): View more from Texas

I told her I did too.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.

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(347): View more from New York

k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza

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(407): View more from Florida

this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.

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(607): View more from New York

Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..

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(908): View more from New Jersey

new low.... made out with someone while peeing

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Where did you get a picture of my penis

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(243): View more from

the bitch is dead man

(1-243): View more from

YOUR DOG DIED?

(243): View more from

no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks

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(631): View more from New York

I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava

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(352): View more from Florida

Billy Mays is dead too!

(1-352): View more from Florida

Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs

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(586): View more from Michigan

i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning

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(512): View more from Texas

no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.

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(562): View more from California

So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.

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(210): View more from Texas

i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation

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(757): View more from Virginia

Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.

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(443): View more from Maryland

just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i think i left my bra at your place

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge

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(323): View more from California

No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.

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(734): View more from Michigan

A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

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(917): View more from New York City

She saved the condom from the first time we did it.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth

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(207): View more from Maine

Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me

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(619): View more from California

she peed on how many people?

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(317): View more from Indiana

cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome

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(859): View more from Kentucky

thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Wait until you see the roof.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.

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(562): View more from California

If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

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(801): View more from Utah

I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?

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(513): View more from Ohio

just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America

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(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.

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(561): View more from Florida

just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties

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(250): View more from British Columbia

woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me

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(404): View more from Georgia

Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her

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(270): View more from Kentucky

she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.

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(817): View more from Texas

You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time

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(843): View more from South Carolina

The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.

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(209): View more from California

I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.

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(315): View more from New York

My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...

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(917): View more from New York City

I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.

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(210): View more from Texas

I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano

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(214): View more from Texas

you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?

(806): View more from Texas

i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(408): View more from California

He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.

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(804): View more from Virginia

she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.

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(518): View more from New York

Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.

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(817): View more from Texas

I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.

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(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

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(360): View more from Washington

It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick

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(513): View more from Ohio

sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Glad to see your being a lady about this

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(503): View more from Oregon

She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm full of awesome ideas

(972): View more from Texas

Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...

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(716): View more from New York

she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.

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(407): View more from Florida

shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

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(614): View more from Ohio

you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

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(404): View more from Georgia

hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away

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(903): View more from Texas

Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later

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(817): View more from Texas

you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for

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(802): View more from Vermont

every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.

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(310): View more from California

dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

wanna hang out tonight and remember it?

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(785): View more from Kansas

There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"

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(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday

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(330): View more from Ohio

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

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(734): View more from Michigan

she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's shedding

(1-912): View more from Georgia

I told you penises don't tan

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(618): View more from Illinois

It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Not having phil's child is good enough.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.

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(210): View more from Texas

I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too

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(650): View more from California

so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

(1-650): View more from California

did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag

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(205): View more from Alabama

It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

(1-312): View more from Illinois

None of that is ok.

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(513): View more from Ohio

First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the worst part is we had a camera rolling

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yes.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I have to watch that.

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(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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(989): View more from Michigan

i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings

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(714): View more from California

drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.

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(708): View more from Illinois

This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.

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(949): View more from California

I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She tied me up with her honor cords...

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?

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(509): View more from Washington

I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM

(909): View more from California

I'm scared to ask why.....

(509): View more from Washington

1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.

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(916): View more from California

Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month

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(631): View more from New York

the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'

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(240): View more from Maryland

He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia

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(818): View more from California

Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.

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(404): View more from Georgia

you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.

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(509): View more from Washington

He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.

(607): View more from New York

Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.

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(563): View more from Iowa

The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(216): View more from Ohio

As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.

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(281): View more from Texas

well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now

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(954): View more from Florida

so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine

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(601): View more from Mississippi

"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move

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(541): View more from Oregon

You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth

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(216): View more from Ohio

She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(806): View more from Texas

We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances

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(573): View more from Missouri

The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season

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(804): View more from Virginia

third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem

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(440): View more from Ohio

omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.

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(805): View more from California

Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.

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(517): View more from Michigan

can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised

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(804): View more from Virginia

"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

(402): View more from Nebraska

Update, its a couple

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(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did he notice?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

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(904): View more from Florida

Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.

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(206): View more from Washington

She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.

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(619): View more from California

woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.

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(416): View more from Toronto

We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?

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(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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(518): View more from New York

she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.

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(951): View more from California

my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.

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(602): View more from Arizona

You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(519): View more from Ontario

Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.

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(916): View more from California

It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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(971): View more from Oregon

one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.

(706): View more from Georgia

i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...

(971): View more from Oregon

it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.

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(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

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(541): View more from Oregon

I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.

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(951): View more from California

Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.

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(310): View more from California

If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.

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(718): View more from New York

Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.

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(801): View more from Utah

we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know where my bra went.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.

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(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(208): View more from Idaho

My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.

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(518): View more from New York

I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before

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(585): View more from New York

She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

To a 70 year old lady?!

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(905): View more from Ontario

She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(480): View more from Arizona

My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Do I even want to know?

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(207): View more from Maine

Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it

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(602): View more from Arizona

you'll never guess what i found when i got home...

(928): View more from Arizona

a cake, in the toilet

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(315): View more from New York

Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis

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(619): View more from California

my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.

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(913): View more from Kansas

season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.

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(256): View more from Alabama

My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.

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(425): View more from Washington

Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.

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(765): View more from Indiana

i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring

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(303): View more from Colorado

she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(516): View more from New York

my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall

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(714): View more from California

i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..

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(716): View more from New York

Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.

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(310): View more from California

Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone

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(805): View more from California

a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot

(818): View more from California

god is laughing at you again

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(325): View more from Texas

suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.

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(904): View more from Florida

I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool

(252): View more from North Carolina

Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five

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(443): View more from Maryland

She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.

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(254): View more from Texas

There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.

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(352): View more from Florida

homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...

(1-352): View more from Florida

so you did it...

(352): View more from Florida

obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.

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(408): View more from California

You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.

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(352): View more from Florida

I used to practice getting hit by cars.

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(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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(518): View more from New York

I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...

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(662): View more from Mississippi

The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot

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(214): View more from Texas

Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora

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(630): View more from Illinois

i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

nothing about this is right.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

How did the beer even get there in the first place?

(734): View more from Michigan

That's not what's important right now

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(828): View more from North Carolina

the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out

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(352): View more from Florida

Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

(1-352): View more from Florida

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?

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(208): View more from Idaho

On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.

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(646): View more from New York

There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.

(1-646): View more from New York

Your pregnant arnt you

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(337): View more from Louisiana

You going out tonight?

(318): View more from Louisiana

No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.

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(305): View more from Florida

If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list

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(304): View more from West Virginia

But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game

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(905): View more from Ontario

while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"

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(706): View more from Georgia

Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

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(949): View more from California

Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up

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(650): View more from California

We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.

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(512): View more from Texas

She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.

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(409): View more from Texas

Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss

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(757): View more from Virginia

you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'

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(503): View more from Oregon

my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.

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(616): View more from Michigan

We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

(732): View more from New Jersey

This explains a lot.

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(845): View more from New York

its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(214): View more from Texas

herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.

(1-214): View more from Texas

ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk

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(203): View more from Connecticut

yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

when did we get a doorman?

(203): View more from Connecticut

we were also in the wrong building...

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.

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(517): View more from Michigan

You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins

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(954): View more from Florida

my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

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(850): View more from Florida

some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...

(708): View more from Illinois

I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?

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(740): View more from Ohio

id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower

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(940): View more from Texas

The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.

(201): View more from New Jersey

We better fuck soon then

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(330): View more from Ohio

I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."

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(647): View more from Ontario

Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night

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(917): View more from New York City

I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying

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(973): View more from New Jersey

grab my backpack.....its in the fridge

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(707): View more from California

he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

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(417): View more from Missouri

I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

(636): View more from Missouri

our generation is not ready to get married

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo

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(641): View more from Iowa

and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette

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(573): View more from Missouri

this study room smells like vodka

(310): View more from California

the study room thinks the same about you

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?

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(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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(714): View more from California

so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?

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(260): View more from Indiana

Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me

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(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

(420): View more from

your the best winggirl ever

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(314): View more from Missouri

I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.

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(813): View more from Florida

We shouldn"t be alone together

(606): View more from Kentucky

you didn"t say that yesterday

(813): View more from Florida

you weren't married yesterday

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(989): View more from Michigan

dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

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(310): View more from California

So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes

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(720): View more from Colorado

so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass

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(260): View more from Indiana

Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.

(219): View more from Indiana

You said that last year...

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(303): View more from Colorado

i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me

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(269): View more from Michigan

I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.

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(630): View more from Illinois

scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back

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(647): View more from Ontario

Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?

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(904): View more from Florida

He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE

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(703): View more from Virginia

i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.

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(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best

(1-773): View more from Illinois

that's your solution for everything

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(908): View more from New Jersey

ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.

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(408): View more from California

i fucked her mom dude

(1-408): View more from California

there's something to tell the kids

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

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(586): View more from Michigan

you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.

(815): View more from Illinois

Grandpa would have been proud

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(904): View more from Florida

he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up

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(714): View more from California

We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.

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(231): View more from Michigan

You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.

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(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I feel like death. Did you die last night?

(305): View more from Florida

Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!

(859): View more from Kentucky

unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus

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(850): View more from Florida

I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(910): View more from North Carolina

easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.

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(703): View more from Virginia

unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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(703): View more from Virginia

so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just snuked. Sneezed and puked

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(817): View more from Texas

yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing

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(989): View more from Michigan

I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.

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(323): View more from California

Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(705): View more from Ontario

Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think

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(410): View more from Maryland

what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.

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(647): View more from Ontario

It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM

(416): View more from Toronto

From?

(647): View more from Ontario

Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...

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(719): View more from Colorado

I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm watching ellen!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"

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(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

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(817): View more from Texas

They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

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(512): View more from Texas

Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?

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(440): View more from Ohio

any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?

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(646): View more from New York

You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Let's make jello shots for tomorrow

(1-913): View more from Kansas

What's going on tomorrow?

(913): View more from Kansas

Nothing, it's Wednesday

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(845): View more from New York

my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe

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(914): View more from New York

What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?

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(434): View more from Virginia

The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

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(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

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(847): View more from Illinois

She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.

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(302): View more from Delaware

No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.

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(813): View more from Florida

He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL

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(917): View more from New York City

giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?

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(214): View more from Texas

Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?

(720): View more from Colorado

Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.

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(240): View more from Maryland

stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(973): View more from New Jersey

She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.

(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....

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(480): View more from Arizona

I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"

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(941): View more from Florida

can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

(1-941): View more from Florida

idk, I had a turtle in mine.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won

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(702): View more from Nevada

His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(702): View more from Nevada

did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(760): View more from California

I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass

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(518): View more from New York

it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....

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(330): View more from Ohio

Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?

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(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Please get laid.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?

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(239): View more from Florida

When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.

(571): View more from Virginia

define virginity.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(352): View more from Florida

there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt

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(940): View more from Texas

Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.

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(613): View more from Ontario

do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?

(1-613): View more from Ontario

not a thing

(613): View more from Ontario

walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom

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(660): View more from Missouri

dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome

(816): View more from Missouri

no its not leave

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(802): View more from Vermont

you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

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(618): View more from Illinois

i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

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(678): View more from Georgia

I gave up sex for lent.

(646): View more from New York

I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.

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(224): View more from Illinois

hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube

(630): View more from Illinois

my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly

(1-208): View more from Idaho

What is a GED?

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(586): View more from Michigan

You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.

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(850): View more from Florida

We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Intervention is following me on twitter.

(440): View more from Ohio

wow.

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(256): View more from Alabama

my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

(1-256): View more from Alabama

whatd she say to you?

(256): View more from Alabama

no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!

(615): View more from Tennessee

I don't wanna die...

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(585): View more from New York

please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.

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(530): View more from California

I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.

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(310): View more from California

Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.

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(406): View more from Montana

we convinced you the moon was a planet...again

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

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(513): View more from Ohio

NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

(1-513): View more from Ohio

God I fucking love America.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.

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(909): View more from California

my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks

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(586): View more from Michigan

The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened

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(512): View more from Texas

he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before

(806): View more from Texas

he probably also told you he thought u were pretty

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(516): View more from New York

doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine

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(952): View more from Minnesota

history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.

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(251): View more from Alabama

if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?

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(707): View more from California

yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.

(1-707): View more from California

you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you

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(908): View more from New Jersey

the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father

(973): View more from New Jersey

i think girls just don't want to fuck you

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.

(407): View more from Florida

Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.

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(210): View more from Texas

Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.

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(661): View more from California

Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds

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(410): View more from Maryland

If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.

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(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

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(559): View more from California

i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...

(559): View more from California

...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!

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(806): View more from Texas

A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"

(501): View more from Arkansas

Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...

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(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(708): View more from Illinois

you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!

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(815): View more from Illinois

You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!

(847): View more from Illinois

Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!

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(602): View more from Arizona

So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.

(480): View more from Arizona

so you punched his junk, right?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.

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(503): View more from Oregon

We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?

(509): View more from Washington

Places.

(503): View more from Oregon

Plural? Please tell.

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(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on

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(714): View more from California

Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.

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(813): View more from Florida

running late. just ran over a dude on a bike

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.

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(607): View more from New York

you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY

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(517): View more from Michigan

she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so that wasnt chicken after all

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...

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(910): View more from North Carolina

it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.

(605): View more from South Dakota

WTF??? Isn't he married??

(910): View more from North Carolina

Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i should start naming my morning wood

(201): View more from New Jersey

great idea but wrong number

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(910): View more from North Carolina

We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination

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(910): View more from North Carolina

after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it

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(910): View more from North Carolina

So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'd give my left nut to see you

(609): View more from New Jersey

don't do that. I like the set

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(516): View more from New York

...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?

(585): View more from New York

hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that

(516): View more from New York

is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?

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(443): View more from Maryland

Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..

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(914): View more from New York

Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk

(1-914): View more from New York

It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you

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(518): View more from New York

alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?

(1-518): View more from New York

dude. you drew those with your dick

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(515): View more from Iowa

Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby

(1-515): View more from Iowa

What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside

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(910): View more from North Carolina

she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.

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(407): View more from Florida

sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?

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(514): View more from Quebec

The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one

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(240): View more from Maryland

were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?

(301): View more from Maryland

yes! wait why?

(240): View more from Maryland

because i found it in my pocket this morning...

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(503): View more from Oregon

How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?

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(513): View more from Ohio

I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

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(914): View more from New York

Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself

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(941): View more from Florida

so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.

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(912): View more from Georgia

She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.

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(818): View more from California

I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.

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(406): View more from Montana

As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.

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(949): View more from California

she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."

(949): View more from California

little did she know i was taping her the whole time.

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(419): View more from Ohio

her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.

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(443): View more from Maryland

hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

6 min

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(225): View more from Louisiana

wtf

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?

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(631): View more from New York

You only like me because I'm a challenge

(201): View more from New Jersey

You already blew me

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(701): View more from North Dakota

two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out

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(303): View more from Colorado

i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.

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(815): View more from Illinois

if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

how drunk are you?

(952): View more from Minnesota

What does that even mean anymore?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.

(703): View more from Virginia

mine is 'the'.

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(510): View more from California

You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20

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(519): View more from Ontario

duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?

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(912): View more from Georgia

There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.

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(360): View more from Washington

He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.

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(727): View more from Florida

and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it

(973): View more from New Jersey

just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you

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(707): View more from California

he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?

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(705): View more from Ontario

dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant

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(571): View more from Virginia

You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Darwin at his finest.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.

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(407): View more from Florida

she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(303): View more from Colorado

okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.

(785): View more from Kansas

again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.

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(503): View more from Oregon

two words: eviction party

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(775): View more from Nevada

they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.

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(708): View more from Illinois

The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking

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(416): View more from Ontario

Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Does God suck his dick?

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(630): View more from Illinois

hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?

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(410): View more from Maryland

As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.

(443): View more from Maryland

im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?

(573): View more from Missouri

pat the guy you slept with

(314): View more from Missouri

still need a last name

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(256): View more from Alabama

I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up

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(636): View more from Missouri

ra ra ra ah ah

(573): View more from Missouri

wtf?

(636): View more from Missouri

sexting lady gaga style

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(708): View more from Illinois

She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid

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(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

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(914): View more from New York

She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.

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(716): View more from New York

fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans

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(516): View more from New York

On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?

(201): View more from New Jersey

Strong 6

(516): View more from New York

That's an oxymoron.

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(510): View more from California

well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen

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(626): View more from California

dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.

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(661): View more from California

i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

(951): View more from California

u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

(661): View more from California

i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

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(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

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(514): View more from Quebec

She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses

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(847): View more from Illinois

At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.

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(315): View more from New York

He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

either way he was missing a nipple.

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Her vagina smelled like chicken

(1-605): View more from South Dakota

why do you say that

(605): View more from South Dakota

chicken smells like everything

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(860): View more from Connecticut

my vagina's been through so much this weekend

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

I respect that

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(917): View more from New York City

i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.

(516): View more from New York

was the water running?

(917): View more from New York City

yeah but he said he knows how to swim

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

i got excepted to unl lol

(402): View more from Nebraska

You mean "accepted".

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(757): View more from Virginia

Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town

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(443): View more from Maryland

you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went

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(312): View more from Illinois

the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.

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(317): View more from Indiana

can you pick me up an extra syllabus

(317): View more from Indiana

i passed out in the shower again

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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