watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
