i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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