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Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
This baby is an asshole
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
This house was built for laser tag.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
everyone is single if you try hard enough
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We named our party play list daddy issues
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
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