the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
