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I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
We left the knife in your bed.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Blood and glitter go together right?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
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