I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Loading more great texts...