There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
shape ups ar