Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
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