No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
sarcasm needs its own font
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
