my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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