I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Drunk is not a location!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm like, not good at living.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Terrible idea I love it
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just gargled with NyQuil
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
May the power of my ass compel you!!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
What's dad's email?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Watching her eat just hurts me
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We have so much sex to catch up on
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Can vaginas get frostbite?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
being pregnant is like rehab
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
it's great music for shaving your balls
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Cold hands, warm shart.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Soap is not a condiment
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I am spending my child support on dildos
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
sarcasm needs its own font
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm passing your future prison.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.