You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
They took my balls.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
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