I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He better not be in your backpack
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
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