one might say we're banned from that church
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Just puked most of my soul out..
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