If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I think about you every night.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
It's Friday. Sex?
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
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