my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Send us your Text From Last Night!
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
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