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When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
She needs sedatives and a leash
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Are we still banned from the library?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
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