I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
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