Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
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