Texts From Last Night · blueEyes87's Favorites

blueEyes87's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.

Fav 84 2910 1124
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.

Fav 39 5958 977
share tweet

(978): View more from Massachusetts

so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo

Fav 36 6472 1582
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

Fav 27 12033 1257
share tweet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(619): View more from California

We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants

Fav 15 8059 1054
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

all he gave me for my birthday was sperm

(254): View more from Texas

at least its a homemade gift

Fav 16 6117 1425
share tweet

(443): View more from Maryland

Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

One less school supply you need to buy!!

Fav 25 5619 1556
share tweet

(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

Fav 88 15144 3442
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid

Fav 22 4967 2498
share tweet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(515): View more from Iowa

So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

Fav 13 9159 1465
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck now we have to have sex

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

What?

(203): View more from Connecticut

In a bet, need to win

Fav 20 5818 1507
share tweet

(319): View more from Iowa

should my penis look like a turkey

Fav 18 1157 5606
share tweet

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.

Fav 21 1460 5538
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

Fav 24 7800 1455
share tweet

(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

Fav 44 5322 9043
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

Fav 35 8946 1840
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.

Fav 28 8448 1580
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

Fav 12 8811 1432
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

Fav 13 9459 1514
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though

Fav 8 6363 1343
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."

Fav 17 7419 1361
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

Fav 22 15628 1736
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there

Fav 14 7180 1362
share tweet
(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

Fav 11 6995 1565
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.

Fav 10 5455 1463
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes

Fav 13 6513 1367
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

Fav 17 7585 1626
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order

Fav 12 5509 1543
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

Fav 51 17985 2068
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

Fav 17 10968 2031
share tweet
(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

Fav 18 10504 1833
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.

Fav 12 5463 1583
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore

Fav 37 6969 1701
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.

Fav 46 6836 1704
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.

Fav 16 1646 6152
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

Fav 19 3282 6280
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

Fav 86 3618 15826
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.

Fav 103 3512 12851
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me

Fav 20 7708 1621
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.

Fav 7 5678 1496
share tweet
(819): View more from Quebec

I woke up to her vacumming the grass

Fav 18 5812 1479
share tweet
(562): View more from California

In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

Fav 23 7116 1809
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

(1-760): View more from California

I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

Fav 41 7335 1792
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball

(419): View more from Ohio

And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity

Fav 35 6071 2247
share tweet
(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

Fav 95 21326 2345
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.

Fav 6 8588 2037
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

Fav 76 17028 2583
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.

Fav 41 5013 1846
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...

Fav 18 5491 2442
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

Fav 60 15766 2597
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

Fav 29 12046 2997
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

Fav 51 16033 4491
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.

Fav 15 1037 4460
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.

Fav 14 1519 5181
share tweet
(510): View more from California

answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.

Fav 6 1792 5795
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

please dont tell anyone i was drunk

(1-607): View more from New York

you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know

Fav 12 1503 4658
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?

(1-727): View more from Florida

I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.

Fav 32 3108 5030
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?

Fav 34 2133 6385
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

Fav 52 2767 8399
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck

Fav 49 1627 7726
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.

Fav 28 1712 10210
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.

Fav 42 2182 14884
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

Fav 20 9449 1867
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

So you threw a sword at me last night

(419): View more from Ohio

I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.

Fav 11 6091 1447
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.

Fav 18 5733 1641
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done

Fav 15 4110 3169
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.

Fav 11 3714 1805
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.

Fav 114 1949 25660
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.

Fav 24 8033 1436
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that

Fav 12 3997 1214
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea

Fav 29 4008 2082
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand

Fav 8 4931 1291
share tweet
(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

Fav 26 10063 1974
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

Fav 37 10357 2111
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

Fav 41 17447 2838
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

Fav 57 8656 3025
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

(636): View more from Missouri

Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

(573): View more from Missouri

IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

Fav 29 7462 2731
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.

Fav 12 2836 6331
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...

Fav 23 2293 5736
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.

Fav 32 1588 7587
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...

Fav 24 5099 2326
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

Fav 44 8517 2976
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

Fav 20 6772 1610
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance

Fav 17 5712 1875
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.

Fav 12 6877 1409
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"

Fav 9 6099 1605
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

Fav 13 7091 1495
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

Fav 45 12480 1727
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

Fav 38 13583 1850
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.

Fav 25 1579 7079
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???

Fav 24 1503 8356
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?

Fav 22 1660 7943
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.

Fav 34 1127 9842
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.

Fav 35 2256 9058
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

She saved the condom from the first time we did it.

Fav 89 2279 26952
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

Fav 48 23093 1766
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

Fav 19 7103 1437
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

She tied me up with her honor cords...

Fav 29 11561 1380
share tweet
(650): View more from California

so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

(1-650): View more from California

did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

Fav 24 8602 1399
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.

Fav 28 6181 1301
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

Fav 19 9225 1341
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

Fav 21 8142 1693
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.

Fav 90 7484 2054
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.

Fav 9 1591 5459
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

Fav 16 2575 7137
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.

Fav 39 1192 7924
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.

Fav 20 1284 8027
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?

Fav 44 1577 9233
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

Fav 33 2015 14226
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

Fav 34 7234 1798
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.

Fav 9 6651 2032
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

Fav 15 7066 1934
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night

Fav 4 1631 3021
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat

Fav 17 1645 5385
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

(1-312): View more from Illinois

None of that is ok.

Fav 38 5963 4204
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.

Fav 34 1164 6015
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.

Fav 20 1542 8906
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

im bored tell me something entertaining

(206): View more from Washington

You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.

Fav 48 1927 10188
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"

Fav 133 1991 5290
share tweet
(567): View more from Ohio

i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style

Fav 24 2014 5192
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.

Fav 142 2864 2585
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way

Fav 222 2898 28933
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.

Fav 36 4156 839
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

Fav 83 3100 8674
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them

Fav 14 2803 6819
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.

Fav 8 5115 1618
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird

Fav 11 6582 1906
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

Fav 41 39277 2238
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.

(607): View more from New York

Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.

Fav 7 6221 1375
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

Fav 10 7083 1438
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

Fav 13 8045 1483
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

Fav 41 13893 1842
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.

Fav 14 5675 1233
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

Fav 21 9071 1564
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.

Fav 4 3380 1227
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number

Fav 14 7320 1320
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was

Fav 13 7696 1429
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..

Fav 20 4894 1439
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything

Fav 5 5256 1445
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

Fav 44 15904 1913
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better

Fav 19 5917 1532
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

Fav 13 9191 1747
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

Fav 11 6794 1634
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

Fav 17 10141 1735
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze

Fav 14 5575 1402
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta

Fav 21 4817 1520
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..

Fav 8 5102 1840
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

Fav 28 14075 2294
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.

Fav 21 5277 1775
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

Fav 49 7446 2218
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.

Fav 13 4631 2191
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

Fav 24 6199 2816
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine

Fav 30 3343 5376
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia

Fav 28 6551 2259
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...

Fav 75 1818 5007
share tweet
(619): View more from California

We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.

Fav 35 2402 18337
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.

Fav 55 2318 8045
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.

Fav 27 3142 4859
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

New invention idea: vibrating tampons

Fav 36 3870 1074
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon

(1-503): View more from Oregon

all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis

Fav 26 5243 1161
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.

(513): View more from Ohio

and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.

Fav 21 5832 1387
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.

Fav 73 11157 2885
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.

Fav 10 5305 1230
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

Fav 54 12761 2274
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

Fav 90 2152 13333
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

Fav 18 2079 5350
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his

Fav 26 1566 7271
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.

Fav 12 5112 1449
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.

Fav 24 5428 1179
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

Fav 51 17091 1830
share tweet
(714): View more from California

i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

Fav 14 6581 1638
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

Fav 30 7597 1592
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.

Fav 8 1653 4656
share tweet
(754): View more from Florida

you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.

Fav 16 4746 1466
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

Fav 6 9303 1554
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.

Fav 7 5470 1477
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.

Fav 13 1245 5291
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.

Fav 15 4774 1745
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Good morning to you

Fav 12 5360 2646
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.

Fav 13 3609 2187
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe

Fav 10 1514 4414
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one

Fav 23 1326 11733
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

To a 70 year old lady?!

Fav 20 5365 2447
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room

Fav 15 1681 4528
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.

Fav 20 2246 5081
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.

Fav 25 1162 7099
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

why does the wii remote smell like your vag?

Fav 55 2398 9493
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.

Fav 30 1355 8972
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

Fav 55 2543 16035
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

Fav 5 6063 1287
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I hate the hobo that sits outside our building

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Joe or Chris?

(314): View more from Missouri

do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.

Fav 17 8701 1536
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well

Fav 7 4276 1131
share tweet
(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

Fav 20 6975 2835
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

Fav 28 17221 1866
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

Fav 23 11854 1628
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.

Fav 17 4970 1377
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.

Fav 13 4873 1736
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

Fav 67 8629 2804
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats

Fav 14 2220 3011
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

This hangover is way worse than all my relationships

Fav 6 1344 3809
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??

(630): View more from Illinois

savin' lives aint cheap

Fav 23 2072 923
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

My bed smells like naked

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes

Fav 2 2794 927
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.

Fav 8 978 2311
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro

(630): View more from Illinois

I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth

Fav 34 1488 2949
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

batman just walked across the sidewalk

(1-630): View more from Illinois

lay off the drugs

(630): View more from Illinois

no for real he was wearing a cape

Fav 16 5272 910
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

dollar beers will do that to you.

Fav 26 2928 850
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

did you know it's going to storm tonight?

(630): View more from Illinois

You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.

Fav 15 4019 1201
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

Fav 12 9941 1891
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...

(708): View more from Illinois

I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....

Fav 20 5292 1421
share tweet
(831): View more from California

Don't EVER smell your tampon

Fav 89 1764 20091
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success

Fav 12 4520 1104
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.

Fav 14 1573 4679
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.

Fav 10 1277 4169
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.

Fav 24 4649 1342
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky

Fav 22 9144 1729
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.

Fav 14 6051 1703
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool

(252): View more from North Carolina

Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five

Fav 13 6715 1351
share tweet
(949): View more from California

You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?

Fav 15 7922 1311
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

Fav 21 10829 1614
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.

Fav 8 5841 1366
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

Fav 45 26628 1759
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.

Fav 4 6452 1342
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month

Fav 10 5922 1429
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

Fav 44 10553 1567
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

Fav 30 13122 1906
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

Fav 39 7240 1401
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night

Fav 10 8803 1413
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

Fav 19 8965 1486
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.

Fav 9 4854 1173
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.

Fav 18 4283 1316
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.

Fav 7 4079 1144
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Do I even want to know?

Fav 28 4922 2104
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.

Fav 6 4503 1357
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

Fav 52 10723 1657
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

Fav 39 13295 1705
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".

Fav 8 3489 1232
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut

Fav 21 5177 1438
share tweet
(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

Fav 21 8406 1734
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.

Fav 9 4105 1501
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.

(708): View more from Illinois

May it rest in peace.

Fav 17 4942 1778
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.

Fav 12 8381 1461
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

Fav 39 9442 1834
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.

Fav 26 4673 1448
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.

Fav 44 7183 2077
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox

Fav 15 3921 1629
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".

Fav 22 4054 1698
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.

Fav 15 6285 1792
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps

Fav 7 5158 1542
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

Fav 56 16523 2166
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

The beer is more important than you right now.

Fav 8 3885 1680
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...

(1-352): View more from Florida

so you did it...

(352): View more from Florida

obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.

Fav 29 6236 1765
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.

Fav 35 7615 1851
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?

Fav 28 6840 1710
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?

Fav 25 5803 1929
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.

Fav 16 3661 1727
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.

Fav 42 8755 2290
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously

Fav 21 2612 4574
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.

Fav 11 1139 5330
share tweet
(44): View more from United Kingdom

Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?

Fav 34 4235 1915
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.

Fav 41 2747 5561
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public

Fav 9 1256 4583
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring

Fav 13 1347 6293
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

Fav 42 9032 5323
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.

Fav 10 1415 4854
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.

Fav 25 1616 5142
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone

Fav 36 2941 5633
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world

Fav 42 3478 5542
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.

Fav 20 2419 5840
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"

(231): View more from Michigan

OMG its one we used last night

Fav 19 1434 9647
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.

Fav 28 2046 7206
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

can I come stay the night

(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, but no sex tonight

(810): View more from Michigan

I'll stay home

Fav 34 2778 8582
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.

Fav 38 1226 9227
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.

Fav 28 1430 20669
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.

Fav 13 4848 1160
share tweet
(916): View more from California

This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here

Fav 16 5182 1434
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

my sombrero is too big for the bathroom

Fav 25 9766 1507
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.

Fav 18 7783 1468
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

when did we get a doorman?

(203): View more from Connecticut

we were also in the wrong building...

Fav 15 7331 1431
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.

Fav 3 2857 1174
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

without a question

Fav 10 4533 1262
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #

(816): View more from Missouri

ah tequila...

Fav 22 6612 1329
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.

Fav 17 8381 1454
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.

Fav 10 3369 1242
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin

Fav 11 6172 1396
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

Fav 30 7869 1627
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"

Fav 20 4548 1381
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.

Fav 11 3895 1398
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.

Fav 25 7627 1814
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.

Fav 19 5028 1507
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

Fav 18 6639 1704
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

Fav 62 20364 2183
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

Fav 26 8530 1713
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum

Fav 10 4491 1443
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!

Fav 14 7125 1655
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

Fav 56 14263 1986
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk

Fav 8 4993 1567
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...

Fav 14 6065 1685
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

Fav 30 10803 2114
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

Fav 71 20508 2508
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

nothing about this is right.

Fav 23 5434 2194
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots

Fav 17 5250 1754
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)

Fav 21 6357 1959
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night

Fav 24 7064 2268
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

How did the beer even get there in the first place?

(734): View more from Michigan

That's not what's important right now

Fav 30 3423 4239
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace

Fav 11 1864 4802
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?

Fav 13 1356 4068
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?

Fav 29 2634 5115
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.

Fav 42 1633 5568
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part

Fav 15 1283 4550
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.

Fav 10 1619 5212
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.

Fav 17 987 5201
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...

Fav 21 1426 6091
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'

Fav 25 3077 6022
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf

Fav 33 2312 6404
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.

Fav 53 1584 11236
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.

Fav 21 1245 6985
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.

Fav 35 1542 8519
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?

Fav 44 2750 6922
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?

(1-807): View more from Ontario

Just flip the mattress, it erases all

(807): View more from Ontario

Done and done

Fav 100 3198 7981
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

Fav 28 3078 12622
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.

Fav 72 1694 16786
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"

Fav 12 7422 1496
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.

Fav 8 1126 5603
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.

Fav 25 7176 1399
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

(420): View more from

your the best winggirl ever

Fav 34 13757 1468
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that

Fav 22 9846 1431
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.

Fav 14 6378 1403
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

Fav 30 9412 1605
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.

Fav 10 4438 1174
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!

Fav 10 7203 1445
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night

Fav 19 4327 1592
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.

Fav 13 4811 1634
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

Fav 61 19540 2388
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.

Fav 16 6081 1808
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"

Fav 12 7936 2318
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.

Fav 14 4953 3056
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.

Fav 25 6165 3203
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.

Fav 6 1056 3785
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.

Fav 12 1674 5182
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.

Fav 14 1434 4144
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket

Fav 14 2892 4105
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"

Fav 8 1420 4743
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina

Fav 30 1268 8137
share tweet
(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

Fav 51 3347 13002
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.

Fav 38 9213 2249
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.

(512): View more from Texas

There are margaritas in the freezer still.

Fav 16 5807 1316
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.

Fav 19 4939 1670
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?

Fav 44 5039 1641
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo

Fav 41 6091 2068
share tweet
(209): View more from California

His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.

Fav 15 1423 6868
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"

Fav 14 6515 1387
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

Fav 39 10951 1543
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.

Fav 7 5846 1098
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.

Fav 14 7636 1410
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

Fav 20 6954 1412
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

(904): View more from Florida

FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

Fav 18 8123 1528
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.

Fav 47 10191 2534
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

Fav 31 8384 1989
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.

(219): View more from Indiana

You said that last year...

Fav 18 2406 5851
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

Fav 44 5433 9843
share tweet
(831): View more from California

No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick

Fav 37 1909 8268
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

Fav 30 2106 8193
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

Fav 19 6750 1630
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.

Fav 15 5896 1506
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.

Fav 11 6364 1551
share tweet
(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

Fav 42 11574 1758
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Fav 20 7484 1934
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

Fav 31 8442 1870
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.

Fav 32 9286 2093
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?

Fav 24 3690 3889
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.

Fav 52 6842 3885
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?

Fav 19 1513 4983
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.

Fav 39 1768 4698
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.

Fav 14 1838 5900
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.

Fav 21 1303 6236
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

Fav 39 3787 5916
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

Fav 41 5058 7901
share tweet
(760): View more from California

The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.

Fav 11 1278 6860
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

Fav 48 2485 9153
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.

Fav 4 4579 1133
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you

Fav 21 5406 1987
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...

Fav 7 1361 4975
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?

Fav 18 8393 2639
share tweet
(562): View more from California

Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on

Fav 38 2880 8144
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

Fav 13 1736 9111
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'

Fav 26 2810 8428
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?

Fav 22 1381 11184
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him

Fav 7 6316 1081
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".

Fav 39 8285 1423
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.

Fav 35 7067 1668
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I intend to get homeless drunk

Fav 20 5346 1757
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

Fav 30 2800 8325
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.

Fav 23 6011 3698
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"

Fav 42 1768 15026
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.

Fav 10 9259 1359
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now

Fav 25 9365 1835
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?

Fav 35 7421 1754
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

Fav 34 21336 2212
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.

Fav 16 1584 5578
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken

Fav 17 1230 6238
share tweet
(760): View more from California

He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.

Fav 26 11193 1311
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw

Fav 32 8653 1424
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.

Fav 15 8154 1197
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.

Fav 32 6739 1187
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.

(519): View more from Ontario

She did the bend and snap...

Fav 29 8077 1496
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

Fav 18 13371 1543
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...

Fav 9 6045 1348
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

Fav 22 7664 1536
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.

Fav 11 6096 1549
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well

Fav 7 4783 1591
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.

Fav 22 6843 1620
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

Fav 20 11998 1793
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.

Fav 21 6647 1630
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs

Fav 19 5334 1639
share tweet
(818): View more from California

he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

(323): View more from California

i love that song!

(818): View more from California

NOT THE POINT

Fav 19 7861 1798
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?

Fav 9 6110 1569
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.

Fav 13 4306 1470
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy

Fav 6 1804 3665
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.

Fav 9 4254 2521
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.

Fav 19 4611 2407
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.

Fav 23 10263 2747
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.

Fav 36 10567 3673
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.

Fav 17 1410 6313
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?

Fav 19 3576 3743
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.

Fav 20 2949 5500
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.

Fav 17 985 6808
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.

Fav 18 1348 8108
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.

Fav 31 2035 6920
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.

Fav 19 2588 7215
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

Fav 20 8270 1580
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??

Fav 14 4807 1739
share tweet
(909): View more from California

and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.

Fav 23 6492 1835
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat

Fav 18 5702 3121
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.

Fav 7 7019 923
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.

(815): View more from Illinois

we live in such a classy society.

Fav 25 5950 1486
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

Fav 62 2907 25015
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.

Fav 13 8090 1405
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

Fav 65 29369 2495
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

Fav 7 9151 1391
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

Fav 42 11445 1727
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Thanks for getting me home last night.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

Fav 29 9478 1522
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

Fav 40 13034 1829
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.

Fav 16 5836 1305
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

Fav 18 7997 1547
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

Fav 21 11546 1661
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.

Fav 9 5255 1445
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'

Fav 27 1848 5608
share tweet
(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

Fav 21 3324 7325
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.

Fav 68 4279 11958
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

Fav 27 13673 1976
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

Fav 52 12945 3239
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five

Fav 44 3424 8335
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.

Fav 16 6813 1334
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.

Fav 13 1912 3939
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

Fav 33 10156 1609
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.

Fav 5 4764 1593
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him

Fav 23 6248 1323
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes

Fav 61 6562 1409
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick

Fav 5 5934 1315
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.

Fav 17 5459 1716
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.

Fav 40 1315 6147
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

Fav 38 2948 6671
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

Fav 51 18395 1736
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...

Fav 10 5792 1406
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!

Fav 13 3943 1238
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

You got my ass fired just for knowing you

(479): View more from Arkansas

thanks for the bacon

Fav 19 5962 1679
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

Fav 77 8190 4875
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...

Fav 14 1509 8199
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...

Fav 12 1198 3986
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.

Fav 30 1253 4065
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.

Fav 44 1923 6529
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Did you hit it?

(616): View more from Michigan

Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.

Fav 10 1401 2456
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?

Fav 8 4794 1213
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink

(313): View more from Michigan

Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver

Fav 9 2753 844
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"

Fav 57 1204 4284
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?

(740): View more from Ohio

bitches.

Fav 58 9262 1414
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Getting food. Want anything?

(1-949): View more from California

Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce

Fav 7 2391 974
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.

Fav 19 5722 1769
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?

(503): View more from Oregon

Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?

Fav 71 6796 1101
share tweet
(949): View more from California

i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit

Fav 13 3577 1360
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.

Fav 18 1693 1138
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.

Fav 20 7157 1052
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.

Fav 13 3776 1062
share tweet
(661): View more from California

I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.

Fav 24 3815 871
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.

Fav 19 1610 4631
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"

Fav 30 1593 4692
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...

Fav 29 4898 1360
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.

Fav 58 1555 15731
share tweet
(858): View more from California

You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

Fav 19 13053 1324
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?

Fav 19 4762 1040
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.

Fav 37 9232 1438
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.

Fav 17 6271 2059
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving

Fav 28 1210 8339
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.

Fav 13 4430 1172
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You know how to spell recollection?

Fav 16 5800 1712
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.

Fav 9 8951 1228
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.

Fav 41 1031 4770
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you

Fav 18 1139 2368
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face

Fav 7 2235 1064
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer

Fav 16 1943 2378
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.

Fav 39 1161 7146
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"

Fav 68 7842 2420
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"

Fav 14 3548 1168
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.

Fav 11 3575 894
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!

Fav 23 7166 1198
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

Fav 33 12017 3445
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner

Fav 2 3066 855
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

why is allison so mad at me??

(469): View more from Texas

me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".

(318): View more from Louisiana

crap..

Fav 28 1829 6306
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?

Fav 40 1205 9867
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.

Fav 24 1895 4196
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.

(406): View more from Montana

And we all know God doesn't like sinners.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Amen.

Fav 14 6977 1123
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

Fav 202 82792 5239
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?

Fav 3 2083 895
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".

Fav 25 5144 2164
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

She is totally STD

(941): View more from Florida

Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD

Fav 52 1443 4420
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.

Fav 22 7356 1403
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

Fav 37 23135 2049
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.

Fav 6 1852 5750
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off

Fav 39 7219 2487
share tweet
(650): View more from California

dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning

(805): View more from California

1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.

Fav 31 5055 1139
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion

Fav 263 4027 32156
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!

Fav 50 3526 1434
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible

Fav 17 8768 1608
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them

Fav 7 3268 1055
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.

Fav 17 4407 1092
share tweet
(209): View more from California

i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you

Fav 4 1294 3976
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."

Fav 61 4945 1243
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.

Fav 5 1756 884
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.

Fav 64 7106 937
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.

Fav 10 972 4049
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?

Fav 15 924 3575
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.

Fav 21 1055 6474
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do

(1-319): View more from Iowa

put a dollar in it?

Fav 14 1571 4910
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

Fav 37 26037 1365
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.

Fav 24 6625 1093
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

never. drinking. again.

(1-705): View more from Ontario

lets not get ahead of ourselves.

Fav 36 5613 1261
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.

Fav 23 1942 1567
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..

(609): View more from New Jersey

AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!

Fav 37 1108 3965
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.

Fav 15 1458 4604
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.

Fav 33 5911 1417
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

Fav 117 3543 12405
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.

Fav 18 1434 5338
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work

Fav 20 5467 1571
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?

Fav 3 1115 1849
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!

Fav 10 6007 976
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.

Fav 17 6767 1318
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

This girl wants me to lick her pits

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

pits??

(402): View more from Nebraska

Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though

Fav 33 1074 4488
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark

Fav 27 7475 1009
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.

Fav 21 8321 970
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?

Fav 33 6326 1721
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after

Fav 50 4981 1156
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction

Fav 19 5636 1008
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.

Fav 7 4566 1149
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?

Fav 33 1240 12886
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC

Fav 21 4972 1029
share tweet
(831): View more from California

atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.

Fav 31 916 7081
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'

Fav 8 7521 1184
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.

Fav 2 1528 762
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.

Fav 24 6806 1019
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning

Fav 25 4864 1387
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm so glad i pay social security

Fav 17 4559 1179
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.

Fav 12 6865 1227
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it

Fav 17 7436 1413
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.

(1-210): View more from Texas

I love milkshakes.

(210): View more from Texas

Not the point.

Fav 19 5639 1794
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

Fav 35 3755 7142
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti

Fav 36 23832 1643
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening

Fav 12 7487 928
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.

Fav 9 3863 1439
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?

Fav 39 4359 2059
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.

Fav 140 1222 6269
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.

Fav 39 5837 1264
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.

Fav 7 891 5273
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired

Fav 80 3107 36765
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

Fav 43 2389 14608
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic

Fav 41 4598 1046
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.

Fav 17 979 3585
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.

(816): View more from Missouri

i think im in thre room next to you

Fav 28 2437 885
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.

Fav 12 1693 4651
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

Fav 71 40816 2198
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.

Fav 16 6090 1767
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

Fav 64 29356 1872
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

Fav 27 9350 3732
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

(812): View more from Indiana

and...?

(936): View more from Texas

I told him it was alright.

Fav 28 4328 6051
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

Fav 78 6899 7363
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"

Fav 29 1418 9849
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me

Fav 24 980 6671
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

Fav 90 3043 23861
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa

Fav 33 7993 1377
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...

Fav 9 6444 909
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again

Fav 9 4498 889
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left

Fav 7 910 3956
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

Fav 25 13430 1597
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

Fav 106 39922 2446
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

Fav 59 12915 2198
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.

Fav 26 10543 1104
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.

Fav 11 3964 1451
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.

(951): View more from California

sound pretty economical

Fav 11 3332 865
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.

Fav 35 1171 4687
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

Fav 110 34538 1817
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch

Fav 78 13027 1231
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

Fav 69 39784 2521
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb

Fav 34 4571 1430
share tweet
(909): View more from California

i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.

Fav 17 3342 5026
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

Fav 43 10097 1428
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

Fav 23 7477 1282
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.

Fav 32 5299 904
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.

Fav 5 1130 1222
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.

Fav 37 1525 5831
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people

Fav 34 7049 1321
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"

Fav 12 7416 1182
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.

Fav 8 2087 872
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?

(940): View more from Texas

homeless.

Fav 17 5106 1362
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago

(404): View more from Georgia

so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?

Fav 30 9092 1447
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.

Fav 12 839 4305
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?

(1-614): View more from Ohio

i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.

Fav 34 854 4149
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom

Fav 46 1050 9392
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.

Fav 28 1433 4190
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.

Fav 36 1278 3386
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...

Fav 33 1074 3342
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.

Fav 6 3833 947
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub

Fav 20 5430 1193
share tweet
(650): View more from California

My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.

Fav 7 1188 3560
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis

Fav 46 5023 1108
share tweet
(909): View more from California

You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"

Fav 9 3921 1005
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot

Fav 22 4670 820
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys

Fav 17 6241 2744
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..

Fav 45 7828 1205
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.

Fav 28 1237 4838
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....

Fav 23 4392 814
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.

Fav 57 1020 3576
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.

Fav 11 1916 1651
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?

Fav 9 4329 1046
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually

Fav 19 8345 996
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking

Fav 14 4528 1067
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw

Fav 9 1350 2527
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.

Fav 33 1046 3382
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!

Fav 5 2453 762
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...

Fav 23 995 4335
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."

Fav 35 17858 1327
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea

(1-207): View more from Maine

probs a good idea

(207): View more from Maine

i like the whole idea of life and being alive

(1-207): View more from Maine

you sure you're not high?

Fav 29 6141 1215
share tweet
(714): View more from California

turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker

Fav 14 9826 1821
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january

Fav 18 6635 1332
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song

Fav 19 5182 1670
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.

Fav 19 1474 5947
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.

Fav 10 2216 4303
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..

Fav 13 1237 4417
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?

Fav 26 5833 1232
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

Fav 14 14654 1481
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining

Fav 9 5639 973
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party

Fav 33 12971 1322
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave

Fav 33 10590 1441
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.

Fav 10 6026 1147
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

Fav 34 19330 1852
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring

(989): View more from Michigan

i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me

Fav 21 7256 1370
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

Fav 29 12047 1723
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

Fav 56 31646 2127
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!

Fav 34 7091 1640
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

Fav 46 14032 1755
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.

Fav 37 6984 1438
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75092 3007
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate

Fav 25 6306 1443
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...

Fav 17 6273 1533
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic

Fav 18 5822 1665
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...

Fav 14 4731 1639
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them

Fav 41 4504 1859
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?

Fav 46 9831 2406
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.

(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....

Fav 18 6282 2475
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics

Fav 68 11228 2861
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

Fav 69 15075 4258
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed

Fav 17 1350 4503
share tweet
(578): View more from

drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm

Fav 14 1271 6480
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.

Fav 45 3098 7644
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?

Fav 48 2063 7708
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning

(1-217): View more from Illinois

didn't feel it. :)

(217): View more from Illinois

It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.

(1-217): View more from Illinois

wait what? so it's not in america?

Fav 65 1527 9110
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious

Fav 47 3160 11794
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"

Fav 33 1637 12872
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

Fav 162 2746 36896
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"

Fav 14 5572 1369
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.

Fav 10 4345 1727
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.

Fav 17 7015 2320
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.

Fav 20 7118 1547
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.

Fav 7 2466 4243
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.

Fav 8 1284 3488
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.

Fav 22 1263 3728
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

Fav 117 48525 2761
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.

Fav 24 5720 1197
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that

Fav 16 2070 5824
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person

Fav 25 8584 1021
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move

Fav 33 7637 1139
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

Fav 31 11900 1551
share tweet
(949): View more from California

they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store

(949): View more from California

I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.

Fav 33 1497 4190
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..

(1-647): View more from Ontario

who won?

(647): View more from Ontario

THAT is your concern right now?

Fav 14 5059 1057
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?

(516): View more from New York

you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."

Fav 67 12084 1740
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.

Fav 63 8444 1436
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Shittttttt.

(734): View more from Michigan

Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

Fav 33 10302 1225
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.

Fav 21 1206 4035
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.

Fav 16 3798 993
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.

Fav 21 1265 6242
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical

Fav 18 9909 1134
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

Fav 51 26502 1662
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

Fav 61 15120 1523
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.

Fav 33 6634 1169
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.

Fav 131 8243 2543
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?

Fav 16 7429 1552
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.

Fav 23 7003 2476
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets

Fav 23 1879 8582
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.

Fav 5 2664 916
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?

Fav 34 1762 5213
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.

Fav 34 10553 1130
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

Fav 21 12023 1295
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night

Fav 5 4880 1002
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.

Fav 35 5557 1127
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.

Fav 6 1272 3517
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet

Fav 27 6683 1088
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike

(1-917): View more from New York City

this is mike. we're done.

Fav 21 1138 3293
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up

Fav 27 3092 5218
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number

(813): View more from Florida

so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.

Fav 70 7451 1014
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?

(770): View more from Georgia

I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle

Fav 32 3953 1035
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator

Fav 2 1343 808
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on

(1-915): View more from Texas

who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me

Fav 49 1285 15501
share tweet
(551): View more from New Jersey

Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead

(201): View more from New Jersey

NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"

Fav 85 5232 1423
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?

Fav 30 3947 1569
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.

Fav 16 7089 1018
share tweet
(323): View more from California

i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Special does not even begin to describe that text.

Fav 6 4186 2076
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

I'M GETTING MARRIED!

(512): View more from Texas

YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!

Fav 38 4803 2638
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.

Fav 7 5140 1391
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.

Fav 76 16156 1632
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

Fav 57 3365 1156
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.

Fav 22 6980 1363
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar

Fav 29 7427 1113
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"

Fav 37 1327 9074
share tweet
(209): View more from California

Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night

Fav 47 1030 3509
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving

Fav 12 878 2890
share tweet
(310): View more from California

and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.

Fav 33 837 3251
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!

Fav 9 1183 2253
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!

Fav 1 854 1268
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy

Fav 110 15464 1800
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME

Fav 35 1334 4661
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.

(773): View more from Illinois

Stop texting me, I'm right here.

Fav 8 5696 1766
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward

Fav 187 5812 1633
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

Fav 800 8588 112709
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

Thanks for throwing up on me.

Fav 3 833 1413
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.

Fav 19 3714 1042
share tweet
(805): View more from California

She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up

Fav 36 1189 3917
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere

Fav 10 927 3663
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."

Fav 26 5542 913
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

Fav 17 2538 1117
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?

Fav 105 19706 2134
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.

Fav 80 4457 1099
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

did you answer or finish?

(404): View more from Georgia

both

Fav 27 7704 1305
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again

Fav 28 1285 5140
share tweet
(619): View more from California

You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.

Fav 3 4364 820
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

Fav 31 30394 1599
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse

Fav 9 941 4449
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.

Fav 15 1138 8473
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog

Fav 23 946 4358
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...

Fav 37 4010 1260
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.

Fav 18 7736 1190
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker

Fav 24 6554 1278
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

What!?!?! How are you txting?!

(775): View more from Nevada

Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

Fav 55 1602 3571
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies

Fav 34 7502 1244
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Chicken burrito, or no deal.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Is that code for my vagina?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito

Fav 30 4684 1341
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...

(1-937): View more from Ohio

I see you've learned your lesson.

Fav 12 6916 1278
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

No, drunk sperm still make babies.

Fav 15 1285 5863
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww

Fav 109 1777 33299
share tweet
(848): View more from New Jersey

a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving

Fav 25 7189 1122
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy

Fav 4 2971 965
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.

Fav 10 3493 1356
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.

Fav 19 6213 1136
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.

Fav 12 993 1694
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

details please.

(317): View more from Indiana

they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."

Fav 61 5665 873
share tweet
(916): View more from California

i think i have herpe

(1-916): View more from California

just one?

Fav 32 1544 4994
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special

Fav 63 16734 2264
share tweet
(619): View more from California

do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.

Fav 9 4500 1843
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

Fav 17 6731 1438
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'

Fav 49 11527 1162
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."

Fav 15 2792 993
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.

Fav 2 4285 779
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"

Fav 9 5085 1050
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.

(360): View more from Washington

You're getting good at this, you know that?

Fav 17 7235 976
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.

Fav 200 8447 3058
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.

Fav 73 9579 1732
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night

Fav 5 4746 1173
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina

Fav 35 976 4928
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks

Fav 5 7654 921
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.

Fav 59 7446 1860
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.

Fav 5 1055 4732
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.

Fav 25 6333 1020
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.

Fav 20 2122 5691
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

My brain says no but my pants say off.

Fav 7 5487 1092
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam

(212): View more from New York

enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening

Fav 9 2367 886
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?

(212): View more from New York

Vagina

Fav 9 2697 1020
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.

Fav 31 4623 1736
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.

Fav 33 1164 3881
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."

Fav 15 3897 1200
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

Fav 98 42072 2245
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.

Fav 23 1083 5454
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.

Fav 76 5041 2221
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.

Fav 13 5205 1159
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole

Fav 21 1186 7296
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless

Fav 18 1161 2550
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night

Fav 14 6773 1487
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

It's always exciting to touch a new boob.

Fav 12 7028 939
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?

(204): View more from Manitoba

I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...

Fav 21 8084 1227
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal

Fav 36 5936 1042
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous

(269): View more from Michigan

If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.

Fav 17 6736 1070
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.

Fav 10 4671 942
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..

Fav 18 7134 1180
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans

Fav 12 6721 1181
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?

Fav 24 5410 1300
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am

Fav 12 6349 1064
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Im watching someone hooking up in the library

(970): View more from Colorado

procrastination at its finest

Fav 19 6534 1079
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?

Fav 31 8930 1630
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot

Fav 52 5810 1878
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.

Fav 23 1772 7083
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.

Fav 16 2169 4424
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.

Fav 20 1480 4401
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.

Fav 15 1284 4569
share tweet
(426): View more from

i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair

Fav 16 1158 5227
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.

Fav 29 1396 6924
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?

(720): View more from Colorado

This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?

Fav 98 3079 6208
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.

Fav 116 3274 21032
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.

Fav 41 1144 10656
share tweet
(818): View more from California

That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff

Fav 33 1040 8736
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...

(1-386): View more from Florida

thanks for that.

Fav 105 1424 4513
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...

(703): View more from Virginia

oh

Fav 10 1157 3470
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.

Fav 9 1429 3383
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?

(1-509): View more from Washington

talent.

Fav 42 3900 1221
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..

Fav 2 2213 997
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.

Fav 13 3053 769
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.

Fav 12 6068 887
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.

Fav 16 1702 3758
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.

Fav 32 925 5067
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes

(1-407): View more from Florida

i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.

Fav 21 4453 1043
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"

Fav 26 6435 1130
share tweet
(858): View more from California

we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.

Fav 7 1231 1798
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much

Fav 14 1794 3195
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

Fav 100 39351 1768
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".

(917): View more from New York City

I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.

Fav 57 1719 11834
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me

Fav 11 911 5607
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.

Fav 12 1966 5294
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets

Fav 33 7905 1035
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.

Fav 15 1258 4084
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...

Fav 11 1165 3291
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO

(908): View more from New Jersey

dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me

Fav 27 4520 1298
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

What'd you say?

(248): View more from Michigan

I told him I was sleep driving

Fav 3 1870 804
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.

Fav 36 3316 1355
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing

(612): View more from Minnesota

could be more

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

absolutely not

Fav 19 1288 2092
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.

Fav 37 4850 1065
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now

Fav 21 5243 900
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?

(1-251): View more from Alabama

Why are you in my underwear drawer?

Fav 15 4969 1329
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.

Fav 5 6901 1009
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.

Fav 38 5827 1649
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Who pooed in my magic bullet?

(1-613): View more from Ontario

Sorry the bathroom was being used.

Fav 9 1114 4967
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet

Fav 40 6722 974
share tweet
(310): View more from California

that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something

(818): View more from California

its my fault though, i'm wearing tights

(310): View more from California

you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap

Fav 22 3857 1184
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.

Fav 5 3364 1196
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work

Fav 47 989 3635
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I thought she had blonde hair

(302): View more from Delaware

No, Gonorrhea actually

Fav 6 952 2003
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...

Fav 7 952 1749
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.

(410): View more from Maryland

and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.

Fav 26 1405 3104
share tweet
(858): View more from California

dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.

Fav 22 6156 1189
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.

Fav 15 4837 1292
share tweet
(510): View more from California

The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.

Fav 13 1686 2888
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.

Fav 10 4172 969
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now

Fav 59 1136 4943
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"

Fav 6 2996 1107
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself

Fav 30 5650 1614
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

I don't know where I am but there are firefighters

Fav 18 6707 1388
share tweet
(858): View more from California

My sheets look like a crime scene.

Fav 9 1126 1283
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

he is so annoying

(513): View more from Ohio

so stop sleeping with him

(937): View more from Ohio

yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk

Fav 25 5455 1533
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"

Fav 29 1939 9106
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...

Fav 27 1378 4481
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?

Fav 7 8960 1028
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date

Fav 44 6574 1450
share tweet
(323): View more from California

I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.

Fav 6 1688 783
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw

(651): View more from Minnesota

by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix

Fav 17 1654 4556
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick

Fav 32 3261 1156
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.

Fav 44 1181 8487
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.

Fav 19 2602 1237
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide

Fav 19 1031 4057
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi

Fav 29 1019 5060
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.

Fav 10 2759 1097
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.

Fav 39 1837 5210
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...

Fav 30 6474 1352
share tweet
(408): View more from California

hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

(650): View more from California

nah, i'm gonna grab some food

Fav 122 5056 36757
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.

Fav 32 6811 1096
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed

Fav 25 4259 1312
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

what if I'm pregnant?

(848): View more from New Jersey

smusmorshion

Fav 103 2371 3361
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

didn't that happen to you last weekend?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

shut up.

Fav 5 1296 2241
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.

Fav 9 3899 1155
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"

(1-703): View more from Virginia

where do you find these guys?

Fav 8 1560 4277
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single

Fav 13 5345 1263
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...

(612): View more from Minnesota

I want my thong back.

(763): View more from Minnesota

I hate you tequila.

Fav 16 5395 1124
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****

(734): View more from Michigan

What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?

(586): View more from Michigan

Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!

Fav 7 1659 729
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.

Fav 33 3495 1681
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.

(1-440): View more from Ohio

you have got to be kidding?

Fav 52 987 4811
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me

Fav 6 3140 934
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.

Fav 16 8142 1341
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

Fav 75 26729 2054
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend

(1-708): View more from Illinois

why?

(708): View more from Illinois

so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.

Fav 163 3739 1433
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?

Fav 21 813 2277
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.

(906): View more from Michigan

so you're not coming in to work today?

Fav 13 1649 4367
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly

Fav 14 1103 3767
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."

Fav 13 2789 841
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.

Fav 40 888 5013
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera

(908): View more from New Jersey

She didnt have a camera...

Fav 6 1388 1968
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

Fav 75 14749 2278
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker

Fav 1 935 1682
share tweet
(546): View more from

Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.

Fav 65 3288 1107
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling

Fav 11 6501 906
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.

Fav 41 5404 1588
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience

Fav 37 6871 1177
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.

(305): View more from Florida

Did you save them?

(404): View more from Georgia

Who?

Fav 28 5903 1520
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.

Fav 17 790 2873
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?

(1-775): View more from Nevada

A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!

Fav 16 2039 2885
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend

(1-727): View more from Florida

Awkward

Fav 13 960 3454
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.

Fav 39 1280 5776
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning

Fav 32 15991 2748
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.

Fav 9 4297 1290
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.

Fav 19 2231 1715
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"

Fav 34 1738 5092
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time

Fav 40 7080 1989
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.

(574): View more from Indiana

Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.

Fav 10 980 4021
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.

Fav 1 984 4557
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome

Fav 62 8066 1690
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....

Fav 39 940 6734
share tweet
(949): View more from California

i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.

Fav 37 838 3367
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob

(203): View more from Connecticut

For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho

Fav 37 8049 1124
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.

(319): View more from Iowa

Good thing spelling doesn't count.

Fav 23 6922 1234
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.

Fav 23 5250 1281
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

didnt we say no more talking to eachother

(906): View more from Michigan

it will help you get over me i promise

(414): View more from Wisconsin

im horny

(906): View more from Michigan

ok i will unlock the door

Fav 16 2990 972
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it

Fav 15 8084 1466
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.

Fav 34 7026 890
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.

Fav 20 1397 1008
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.

(404): View more from Georgia

Do you think he can smell the vodka?

Fav 35 1110 5110
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter

Fav 15 3905 879
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.

Fav 5 1518 750
share tweet
(909): View more from California

why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?

Fav 10 4040 1011
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.

Fav 11 1111 4119
share tweet
(213): View more from California

I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'

Fav 12 5282 1227
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.

Fav 8 3736 736
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.

Fav 24 923 5474
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'

Fav 14 5280 1277
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.

Fav 18 1201 4934
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"

Fav 13 4946 1364
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture

Fav 25 890 7866
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

(510): View more from California

I hope so

Fav 41 2517 5547
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.

Fav 10 1658 4084
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.

Fav 45 5546 827
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?

Fav 21 3287 1103
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes

Fav 5 1089 1182
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.

Fav 44 1294 5604
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

Fav 86 39692 2408
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?

Fav 9 1564 4967
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?

(1-563): View more from Iowa

The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?

Fav 46 3055 1447
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I think im pregnant

(803): View more from South Carolina

I think you have the wrong number

Fav 67 1573 5864
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

My astrological sign? Vagitarius.

Fav 20 3887 1044
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i think my tv is drunk

Fav 5 1646 790
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him

Fav 19 1451 4475
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"

Fav 20 5198 1571
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.

Fav 21 6640 1262
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth

(330): View more from Ohio

well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth

Fav 25 5334 896
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey kate, how is it?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.

Fav 14 1028 3196
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...

Fav 15 2538 1224
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein

Fav 36 5441 1066
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...

Fav 54 4729 2075
share tweet
(650): View more from California

this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away

Fav 45 913 3242
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.

Fav 21 916 2154
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!

Fav 67 1481 4494
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?

Fav 10 4147 665
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend

(301): View more from Maryland

1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps

Fav 29 4126 1095
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Um, that's called prostitution

(773): View more from Illinois

Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money

Fav 4 3019 820
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me

Fav 48 991 1778
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

alright she left, finally time to fart up the room

Fav 17 3914 1495
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)

Fav 49 8463 1503
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Becoming a productive member of society?

(509): View more from Washington

Sam. Come on.

Fav 38 7117 1193
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.

Fav 5 7197 971
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.

(803): View more from South Carolina

I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops

Fav 6 4320 961
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.

Fav 46 1023 7456
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?

Fav 28 1533 6154
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!

Fav 15 5042 1257
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft

Fav 26 1264 4789
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table

Fav 92 1215 5368
share tweet
(737): View more from Texas

You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?

(1-737): View more from Texas

That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there

(737): View more from Texas

It's my parent's restaurant

Fav 8 1449 3112
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs

Fav 29 4704 1137
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?

Fav 14 884 3874
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

your address is 607B right?

(785): View more from Kansas

yeah why?

(913): View more from Kansas

i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it

Fav 11 1471 4334
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.

Fav 16 950 4039
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.

Fav 9 833 2381
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident

Fav 5 984 1516
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

He's been sleeping iwht ***

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Nooo

(816): View more from Missouri

Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb

(816): View more from Missouri

And then hit her in the face with a shovel

Fav 3 1497 2345
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"

(708): View more from Illinois

I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.

(773): View more from Illinois

don't worry... so do I

Fav 24 964 4322
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

It was kind of weird

(857): View more from Massachusetts

What did your mom walk in?

(516): View more from New York

She flung her tampon across the room.

Fav 6 924 4753
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I just barfed on his mom.

(404): View more from Georgia

You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.

Fav 8 1058 1519
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?

(773): View more from Illinois

jesus mom

Fav 11 1354 2302
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house

Fav 2 1325 1580
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming

Fav 13 905 3843
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.

Fav 15 854 2821
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How unfortunate for your Mom.

Fav 33 1044 4011
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, you need to talk to your mom

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

wtf?

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you

Fav 32 1062 4930
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?

(919): View more from North Carolina

i cant lie to you.

Fav 56 1121 3305
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.

Fav 19 1102 5142
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.

Fav 44 1155 10816
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet

Fav 58 1228 20115
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married

(214): View more from Texas

What? They have three kids?

(512): View more from Texas

Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me

Fav 20 1161 6394
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.

Fav 15 1214 2506
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?

(303): View more from Colorado

Knowing your life, probably not.

Fav 4 1175 3454
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....

(512): View more from Texas

oh shit that had to have been awkward

(210): View more from Texas

i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for

Fav 9 1244 3843
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.

Fav 14 1127 3905
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.

Fav 22 1065 4615
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.

Fav 154 2056 41402
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?

Fav 6 1016 3867
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"

(785): View more from Kansas

you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?

Fav 37 1238 4033
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk

Fav 13 1170 4199
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally

Fav 30 1168 4505
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"

(1-606): View more from Kentucky

You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.

Fav 17 1340 6103
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?

(1-317): View more from Indiana

Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.

Fav 16 1159 4057
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.

Fav 56 1313 14454
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures

(586): View more from Michigan

I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy

(586): View more from Michigan

But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it

Fav 7 1839 1076
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly

Fav 39 1258 10591
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect

Fav 8 1343 1024
share tweet
(310): View more from California

my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.

Fav 36 1474 4687
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.

(224): View more from Illinois

I'm with your mom on this one.

Fav 9 1374 3319
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?

Fav 49 1518 21139
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.

Fav 23 1235 4368
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food

Fav 32 1331 2353
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake

Fav 27 1760 904
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was

Fav 4 1261 4228
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge

Fav 12 1337 4421
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.

Fav 12 1348 4186
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.

Fav 87 2158 20776
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.

Fav 22 1343 4405
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.

(1-434): View more from Virginia

Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.

Fav 54 1873 14044
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time

(1-763): View more from Minnesota

Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.

Fav 29 1470 3053
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch

(1-631): View more from New York

that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her

Fav 28 1495 6418
share tweet
(876): View more from Jamaica

you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom

Fav 8 1710 5504
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk

(1-970): View more from Colorado

That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!

Fav 80 1326 4120
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.

Fav 14 1436 4694
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol

Fav 21 1569 5434
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

got weed?

(425): View more from Washington

I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.

(206): View more from Washington

sorry mom...

Fav 157 2632 18428
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk

Fav 37 1839 9148
share tweet
(949): View more from California

It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.

Fav 51 1914 5205
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted

Fav 98 2418 9256
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

Fav 105 4840 68211
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.

Fav 57 3541 5666
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.

Fav 7 2737 757
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?

Fav 5 2931 804
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."

Fav 17 3295 804
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat

Fav 10 3564 1636
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned

Fav 19 4007 1120
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior

Fav 6 4192 981
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes

Fav 7 3845 1034
share tweet
(559): View more from California

my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.

Fav 20 4031 1118
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.

Fav 187 4435 2325
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.

Fav 32 4266 1168
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.

Fav 16 4666 1052
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

(1-404): View more from Georgia

haha good one..how did you even know?

(404): View more from Georgia

we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

Fav 46 5528 1809
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.

Fav 66 5005 1602
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.

Fav 57 5034 1661
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds

(337): View more from Louisiana

mom cant say that college never taught us math

Fav 41 4605 882
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.

Fav 11 4551 1178
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money

Fav 40 4492 1151
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.

(310): View more from California

Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.

Fav 18 4932 1997
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?

Fav 37 5323 1607
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple

Fav 20 5144 1923
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

dude, osama threatened the US again

(1-847): View more from Illinois

dude. i slept with your sister last night

(847): View more from Illinois

what?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news

Fav 26 5638 1130
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT

Fav 20 5657 1378
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?

Fav 78 5839 1240
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?

(609): View more from New Jersey

And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud

Fav 15 5672 986
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.

Fav 17 6775 1179
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

He wasn't the only one with a full load.

Fav 24 6661 1380
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I know she was great

Fav 26 7292 1794
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.

Fav 16 8861 1344
share tweet
(650): View more from California

my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah

(415): View more from California

and she bought it?!?

(650): View more from California

yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes

Fav 28 8639 1081
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem

Fav 50 9129 1313
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'

Fav 24 11078 1189
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?

Fav 55 10789 1358
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

Fav 45 24499 1548
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

Fav 180 38252 5876
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

Fav 61 29234 1742
share tweet
(408): View more from California

She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

Fav 153 2495 26565
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

Fav 51 18890 1733
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

Fav 30 19140 1550
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

Fav 30 8321 1679
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.

(631): View more from New York

what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK

Fav 34 7584 1640
share tweet
(951): View more from California

Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".

Fav 16 1208 6073
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.

Fav 73 1514 4872
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20

Fav 48 1448 6966
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Remember that time you hooked up with him?

Fav 7 1004 1661
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

ur plase or mine? lol

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.

Fav 12 1555 2260
share tweet
(567): View more from Ohio

you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.

Fav 6 3531 894
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"

Fav 31 6309 1206
share tweet
(510): View more from California

come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.

Fav 18 6131 1198
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.

Fav 45 11431 3011
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle

Fav 55 5531 1658
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD

Fav 18 6698 1018
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.

Fav 30 6436 1260
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us

Fav 80 3756 4936
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

Fav 47 29986 1753
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

Fav 176 53648 6691
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.

Fav 85 1555 13055
share tweet
(555): View more from

Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.

Fav 30 2371 4291
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?

(702): View more from Nevada

not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning

Fav 23 2999 4738
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.

Fav 29 4674 1827
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

can you pick me up an extra syllabus

(317): View more from Indiana

i passed out in the shower again

Fav 26 4572 1348
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.

Fav 40 4025 1078
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

Fav 140 40091 2213
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.

Fav 9 6968 1480
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

Fav 69 28603 1840
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146087 10743
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

Fav 362 61935 8168
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

Fav 30 1821 13436
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937): View more from Ohio

Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419): View more from Ohio

Is that considered a cock block?

Fav 48 9071 1603
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

Fav 70 10832 1439
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

Fav 87 11980 2455
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

my vagina's been through so much this weekend

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?

Fav 35 8084 1417
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

I respect that

Fav 53 10209 1456
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"

Fav 30 9571 1751
share tweet
(661): View more from California

i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

(951): View more from California

u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

(661): View more from California

i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

Fav 40 8502 1225
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

he wasn't. neither were you.

Fav 16 7485 1555
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just got to costco. Where are you?

(602): View more from Arizona

Liquor aisle, bring another cart.

Fav 33 16032 1365
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

(1-253): View more from Washington

because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

(253): View more from Washington

no more ever clear

Fav 33 7788 1419
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

Fav 50 2314 11478
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

Fav 25 11214 1339
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.

Fav 17 1802 4616
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.

Fav 45 8021 1084
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.

Fav 24 5186 1237
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Does God suck his dick?

Fav 105 1616 6127
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.

(443): View more from Maryland

im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile

Fav 31 2573 5776
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.

Fav 22 938 4854
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

Fav 62 3551 5272
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

Fav 87 53638 3888
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever

Fav 47 7198 1289
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.

Fav 7 975 2326
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

do you know how bad I want you right now?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

As bad as i want you to stop texting me?

(630): View more from Illinois

is that a hint?

Fav 11 1094 3631
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I like you better when you drink

(708): View more from Illinois

I like you better when I drink too

Fav 15 4912 1206
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?

(815): View more from Illinois

that's gum

Fav 42 3361 3245
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

Fav 51 11193 2032
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.

Fav 18 5992 1053
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.

Fav 18 4713 1666
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

Fav 28 21888 1629
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

Fav 36 18662 1506
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"

Fav 11 4912 1084
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....

(1-630): View more from Illinois

which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?

Fav 31 1419 5740
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!

(1-313): View more from Michigan

it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...

Fav 13 1154 2224
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"

Fav 14 7471 1157
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

(818): View more from California

Punch her baby.

Fav 59 6897 1388
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.

Fav 12 4637 1155
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.

Fav 28 2064 896
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word

Fav 57 4587 1365
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders

Fav 21 4709 1423
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...

Fav 44 1543 9915
share tweet
(949): View more from California

so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"

Fav 17 7137 1081
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

how was the sex?

(1-618): View more from Illinois

he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.

(618): View more from Illinois

well, there's that.

Fav 22 1019 3969
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

We should go out drinking together soon

(734): View more from Michigan

I'm still not going to have sex with you

Fav 22 996 1677
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!

Fav 42 1425 20722
share tweet
(530): View more from California

the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo

Fav 25 10936 1528
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

(617): View more from Massachusetts

We call that spaghetti Os

Fav 33 10875 1421
share tweet
(650): View more from California

sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.

(415): View more from California

we had.

(650): View more from California

well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.

Fav 5 884 1671
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!

(985): View more from Louisiana

doesn't he have a girlfriend???

(504): View more from Louisiana

yeah...who do you think woke us up...

Fav 21 1310 2089
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Fav 510 88704 9676
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

Fav 37 14061 1409
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!

Fav 33 1094 5799
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...

Fav 47 1813 5818
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.

Fav 8 1459 5619
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115812 11194
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.

Fav 12 1221 5977
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.

Fav 10 1118 5957
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?

Fav 21 2142 6124
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.

Fav 25 1604 6305
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.

Fav 19 1684 5936
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

i think the cat found all the blow we lost...

Fav 31 1757 5926
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

Fav 139 45449 10184
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car

Fav 27 1617 5984
share tweet
(408): View more from California

booty call

(925): View more from California

i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.

Fav 60 1524 6325
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

i got excepted to unl lol

(402): View more from Nebraska

You mean "accepted".

Fav 76 2053 6501
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.

Fav 20 1913 6048
share tweet
(408): View more from California

she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again

Fav 41 875 6075
share tweet
(909): View more from California

grandma shit on top of the toilet

Fav 17 1329 6280
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea

Fav 16 1027 6046
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes

Fav 24 1106 5931
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special

Fav 79 1415 6096
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.

Fav 29 1113 6466
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.

Fav 15 1240 6199
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.

Fav 44 1309 5909
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend

Fav 26 1156 6035
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?

Fav 22 9782 6604
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

saw you walking with that piece of shit

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

and that piece of shit just read that

Fav 24 1664 6333
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"

Fav 21 1352 6325
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.

Fav 27 1215 6699
share tweet
(213): View more from California

are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town

(1-213): View more from California

well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT

Fav 14 1267 6376
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

Fav 168 6293 7198
share tweet
(408): View more from California

i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.

Fav 16 1210 6079
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?

Fav 13 967 5986
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.

Fav 17 1168 6341
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?

Fav 19 1122 6197
share tweet
(752): View more from California

What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?

(209): View more from California

I think the two go hand in hand.

Fav 73 1433 6323
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.

Fav 100 1361 6160
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life

(541): View more from Oregon

Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

Fav 27 3255 6857
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it

Fav 48 3082 6383
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."

Fav 26 1233 6189
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.

(314): View more from Missouri

Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..

Fav 74 1739 6668
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.

Fav 44 2456 6444
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.

(732): View more from New Jersey

Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.

(862): View more from New Jersey

yet...

Fav 44 1142 6519
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.

Fav 47 1377 6769
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.

Fav 19 1122 6445
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.

Fav 14 1063 6583
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it

Fav 31 1327 9243
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was

Fav 51 1401 9291
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made

Fav 46 1540 7107
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.

Fav 75 1243 6891
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".

Fav 47 1669 6761
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized

Fav 22 1243 6566
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.

Fav 19 1633 6574
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

my secret santa just gave me a pregency test

Fav 20 1543 6653
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I just did the classiest thing ever.

(216): View more from Ohio

last time you said that you got chlamydia.

Fav 19 1916 6831
share tweet
(415): View more from California

How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome

Fav 45 1232 6804
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now

Fav 64 1383 7066
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter

Fav 33 1735 6661
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

So do you want to come over? ;)

(763): View more from Minnesota

Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.

Fav 44 1580 7275
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.

Fav 50 883 7149
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it

Fav 32 1064 7393
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.

Fav 32 1291 7310
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.

Fav 36 1379 7604
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway

Fav 23 2667 7394
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"

Fav 23 1790 8107
share tweet
(925): View more from California

just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)

Fav 38 2216 7287
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.

Fav 35 990 7362
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.

(1-818): View more from California

Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.

Fav 10 1540 7767
share tweet
(209): View more from California

I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.

Fav 31 1621 8013
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...

Fav 18 1238 7777
share tweet
(530): View more from California

You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.

Fav 58 3965 8163
share tweet