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Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
We were destined to go to rehab together
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
She needs sedatives and a leash
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Mom said you looked used
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
foreskin is a definite game changer
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
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