I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
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