6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
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