last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Loading more great texts...