I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
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