Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
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And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
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