Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
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Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
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