On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm too high and old for this...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I pour the whiskey from now on
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Pants are for mortals
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You've changed since you got that strap on
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
i think im in europe. pls send help
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I am available for nakedness
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Drunk is not a location!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
be right there i have to get my cape
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
When did angry sex become our thing?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
In America we eat man semen.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I will be naked everywhere
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
I'm going back tonight
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
It's official drugs can't kill me
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
let's call it "werewolfing"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Is it penis luge time yet?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It's never too late to be topless.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
you inspire me to be a worse person
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I like my sex mixed with concussions.