you are never too drunk for berry picking
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We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
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