Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
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