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The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Yo dont text me then not text me
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Duck Duck Cougar?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
ra ra ra ah ah
sexting lady gaga style
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
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