Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Edward fifth and chaser hands
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer whi
Favorite