Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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