We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
cat food counts as protein by the way
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
So many bounce houses so little time
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."