Texts From Last Night

kyurois's Favorites Texts:

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  (432): View more from Texas

  Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.

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  (432): Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know. http://tfl.nu/dusl
  Replies (5) Good night (1030) Bad night (2536) Order T-Shirt
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.

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  (864): Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants. http://tfl.nu/bdpr
  Replies (5) Good night (1872) Bad night (594)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.

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  (724): look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means. http://tfl.nu/mq55
  Replies (10) Good night (3048) Bad night (784) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.

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  (815): i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing. http://tfl.nu/zu31
  Replies (5) Good night (3685) Bad night (534) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.

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  (541): To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever. http://tfl.nu/9nwk
  Replies (7) Good night (682) Bad night (3052) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"

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  (617): We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?" http://tfl.nu/sgk0
  Replies (18) Good night (681) Bad night (4538) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.

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  (847): No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it. http://tfl.nu/l9mq
  Replies (9) Good night (3976) Bad night (789) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous

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  (519): Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous http://tfl.nu/zfcd
  Replies (10) Good night (4673) Bad night (659) Order T-Shirt
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.

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  (267): Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn. http://tfl.nu/zs8h
  Replies (2) Good night (4455) Bad night (651) Order T-Shirt
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask

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  (647): I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask http://tfl.nu/g6ag
  Replies (10) Good night (1258) Bad night (2617) Order T-Shirt
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.

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  (605): Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy. http://tfl.nu/ugyo
  Replies (3) Good night (3022) Bad night (883)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport

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  (815): I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport http://tfl.nu/v33c
  Replies (21) Good night (9586) Bad night (650)
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.

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  (316): The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts. http://tfl.nu/ngvo
  Replies (52) Good night (8259) Bad night (1303)
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.

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  (507): He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in. http://tfl.nu/mt4b
  Replies (15) Good night (3328) Bad night (747)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized

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  (360): I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized http://tfl.nu/nze6
  Replies (16) Good night (1871) Bad night (3080) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.

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  (516): the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother. http://tfl.nu/cizt
  Replies (24) Good night (1050) Bad night (6886) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.

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  (978): i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies. http://tfl.nu/qg5x
  Replies (10) Good night (4299) Bad night (1462) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on

  (917): View more from New York City

  Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.

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  (516): Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on (917): Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something. http://tfl.nu/buau
  Replies (3) Good night (2293) Bad night (679)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.

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  (406): To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved. http://tfl.nu/shxy
  Replies (10) Good night (6048) Bad night (712) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.

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  (720): These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo. http://tfl.nu/f63z
  Replies (5) Good night (2719) Bad night (1143)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out

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  (403): That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out http://tfl.nu/2o0c
  Replies (8) Good night (3671) Bad night (661) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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  (207): Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building. (603): OMG THAT WAS YOU?! http://tfl.nu/kd7y
  Replies (42) Good night (8863) Bad night (1080)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.

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  (815): Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous. http://tfl.nu/vjxc
  Replies (14) Good night (2755) Bad night (1167) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.

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  (904): naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea. http://tfl.nu/s2fg
  Replies (9) Good night (2431) Bad night (624) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.

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  (805): He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out. http://tfl.nu/7h8c
  Replies (13) Good night (1176) Bad night (4815) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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  (207): I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet http://tfl.nu/5wz6
  Replies (12) Good night (8601) Bad night (802) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.

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  (503): This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating. http://tfl.nu/ajdd
  Replies (15) Good night (824) Bad night (3094) Order T-Shirt
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time

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  (515): I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time http://tfl.nu/arsj
  Replies (18) Good night (3241) Bad night (1446) Order T-Shirt
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  (909): View more from California

  oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.

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  (909): oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas. http://tfl.nu/s25p
  Replies (8) Good night (650) Bad night (2974) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

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  (703): He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle. http://tfl.nu/3luk
  Replies (25) Good night (5896) Bad night (1589) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll

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  (304): when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll http://tfl.nu/utzt
  Replies (9) Good night (2728) Bad night (762) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.

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  (405): he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever. http://tfl.nu/wct5
  Replies (15) Good night (1014) Bad night (5431) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.

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  (913): He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka. http://tfl.nu/p6nb
  Replies (7) Good night (5385) Bad night (894)
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.

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  (704): Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people. http://tfl.nu/g4iv
  Replies (4) Good night (3379) Bad night (537) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.

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  (443): Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER. http://tfl.nu/iqvs
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

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  (402): I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew. http://tfl.nu/1b9c
  Replies (28) Good night (7644) Bad night (716) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?

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  (303): So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door? http://tfl.nu/on5x
  Replies (8) Good night (3992) Bad night (678) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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  (617): I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again. http://tfl.nu/qw6q
  Replies (48) Good night (18691) Bad night (1653) Order T-Shirt
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.

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  (971): I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again. http://tfl.nu/g2lj
  Replies (9) Good night (689) Bad night (3893) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.

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  (832): Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella. http://tfl.nu/o5ml
  Replies (14) Good night (5055) Bad night (2267) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.

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  (904): hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway. http://tfl.nu/oo0k
  Replies (6) Good night (2667) Bad night (556) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?

  (217): View more from Illinois

  I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.

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  (314): Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos? (217): I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd. http://tfl.nu/vu96
  Replies (13) Good night (3428) Bad night (1358)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

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  (978): Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?" http://tfl.nu/0wwp
  Replies (19) Good night (6524) Bad night (741)
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  (707): View more from California

  frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.

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  (707): frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it. http://tfl.nu/00co
  Replies (9) Good night (4069) Bad night (916) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice

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  (317): You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice http://tfl.nu/bo72
  Replies (15) Good night (5443) Bad night (588) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick

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  (304): when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick http://tfl.nu/j5fw
  Replies (22) Good night (5277) Bad night (790) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.

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  (360): We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced. http://tfl.nu/trxy
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.

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  (307): Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor. http://tfl.nu/j4rc
  Replies (17) Good night (5964) Bad night (721) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.

  (205): View more from Alabama

  I hate freshman.

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  (631): He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them. (205): I hate freshman. http://tfl.nu/44or
  Replies (23) Good night (1621) Bad night (5030)
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  (310): View more from California

  She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.

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  (310): She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing. http://tfl.nu/wr7g
  Replies (11) Good night (782) Bad night (4719)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos

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  (617): the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos http://tfl.nu/3hab
  Replies (11) Good night (3455) Bad night (617) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.

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  (419): I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem. http://tfl.nu/zh9s
  Replies (28) Good night (978) Bad night (5616) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.

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  (214): That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed. http://tfl.nu/6ncx
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Yup.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Yup.

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  (314): hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then? (636): Yup. (314): Yup. http://tfl.nu/bp2u
  Replies (70) Good night (23407) Bad night (1429)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music

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  (303): Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music http://tfl.nu/qvs5
  Replies (9) Good night (697) Bad night (2913) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

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  (603): i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't. http://tfl.nu/rtpf
  Replies (12) Good night (7185) Bad night (688) Order T-Shirt
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.

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  (712): i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat. http://tfl.nu/sn6a
  Replies (5) Good night (3505) Bad night (711) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.

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  (401): You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice. http://tfl.nu/tgfk
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.

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  (321): Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class. http://tfl.nu/1es6
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.

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  (+61): It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination. http://tfl.nu/nbvv
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.

  (1-417): View more from Missouri

  I love foreign exchange students.

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  (417): He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish. (1-417): I love foreign exchange students. http://tfl.nu/3hb4
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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  (412): he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor. http://tfl.nu/z7yu
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  (214): View more from Texas

  You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.

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  (214): You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight. http://tfl.nu/qr87
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob

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  (978): nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob http://tfl.nu/cycw
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.

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  (843): i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding. http://tfl.nu/yb0x
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

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  (917): I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home. http://tfl.nu/9xms
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?

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  (616): Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately? http://tfl.nu/0g6n
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.

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  (617): your philanthropy is ruining my sex life. http://tfl.nu/l4rt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.

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  (615): Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again. http://tfl.nu/rwfi
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  (850): View more from Florida

  i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once

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  (850): i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once http://tfl.nu/6uuj
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.

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  (918): IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request. http://tfl.nu/53d6
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal

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  (706): saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal http://tfl.nu/ml27
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  (469): View more from Texas

  I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.

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  (469): I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs. http://tfl.nu/36r0
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.

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  (828): That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy. http://tfl.nu/c9sd
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.

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  (406): Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care. http://tfl.nu/dahm
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.

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  (503): well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up. http://tfl.nu/zf7z
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.

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  (314): We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them. http://tfl.nu/7w09
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem

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  (267): I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem http://tfl.nu/6rep
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.

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  (281): Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others. http://tfl.nu/smz5
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed

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  (901): Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed http://tfl.nu/avah
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?

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  (313): There's a paramedic out here, what have you done? http://tfl.nu/vsi3
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.

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  (910): I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about. http://tfl.nu/tvk3
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.

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  (330): I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face. http://tfl.nu/5edg
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex

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  (314): For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex http://tfl.nu/vblx
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.

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  (205): I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine. http://tfl.nu/wlnl
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  (213): View more from California

  Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.

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  (213): Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans. http://tfl.nu/11hu
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried

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  (815): i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried http://tfl.nu/ujpo
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  (817): View more from Texas

  he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur

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  (817): he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur http://tfl.nu/33k4
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  (425): View more from Washington

  all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.

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  (425): all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help. http://tfl.nu/bkkn
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  (914): View more from New York

  I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.

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  (914): I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot. http://tfl.nu/n3sv
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.

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  (404): Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center. http://tfl.nu/it0q
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.

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  (336): he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater. http://tfl.nu/8ycg
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."

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  (919): Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform." http://tfl.nu/nw1x
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."

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  (561): I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead." http://tfl.nu/np5o
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.

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  (978): If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises. http://tfl.nu/xzxa
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.

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  (763): Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub. http://tfl.nu/2fqf
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute

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  (705): From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute http://tfl.nu/yhtx
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.

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  (203): It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work. http://tfl.nu/tfd2
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  (512): View more from Texas

  he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"

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  (512): he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls" http://tfl.nu/sggu
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  (904): View more from Florida

  she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...

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  (904): she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room... http://tfl.nu/wehm
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving

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  (262): just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving http://tfl.nu/vnp1
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.

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  (313): We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love. http://tfl.nu/ypzc
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.

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  (705): Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it. http://tfl.nu/bw0n
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety

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  (978): I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety http://tfl.nu/5zfx
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.

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  (513): literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night. http://tfl.nu/en91
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome

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  (419): two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome http://tfl.nu/ey6z
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.

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  (973): there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it. http://tfl.nu/9xxm
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.

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  (740): It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex. http://tfl.nu/8qyg
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.

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  (314): every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar. http://tfl.nu/8pyq
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.

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  (610): you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster. http://tfl.nu/4s0b
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.

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  (541): You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night. http://tfl.nu/2m2y
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  (212): View more from New York

  It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.

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  (212): It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls. http://tfl.nu/fa0p
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...

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  (765): He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina... http://tfl.nu/78ky
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?

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  (540): What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless? http://tfl.nu/wpih
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends

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  (919): every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends http://tfl.nu/8jwh
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman

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  (908): i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman http://tfl.nu/e120
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  (714): View more from California

  I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious

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  (714): I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious http://tfl.nu/8hxf
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale

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  (810): He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale http://tfl.nu/d08t
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  (805): View more from California

  I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.

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  (805): I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more. http://tfl.nu/p4p6
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow

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  (404): Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow http://tfl.nu/pzca
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  (806): View more from Texas

  with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

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  (806): with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible. http://tfl.nu/qot7
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?

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  (336): Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep? http://tfl.nu/earn
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome

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  (609): You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome http://tfl.nu/6r0p
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?

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  (937): how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on? http://tfl.nu/yug9
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.

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  (586): he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great. http://tfl.nu/bqct
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.

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  (614): she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie. http://tfl.nu/xhiw
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand

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  (202): I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand http://tfl.nu/1ole
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.

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  (314): He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is. http://tfl.nu/o2e4
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol

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  (303): it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol http://tfl.nu/7ss1
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever

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  (229): She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever http://tfl.nu/g4y3
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain

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  (708): He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain http://tfl.nu/7dwy
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  (817): View more from Texas

  he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...

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  (817): he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet... http://tfl.nu/na2h
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.

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  (413): im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask. http://tfl.nu/in4y
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay

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  (513): He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay http://tfl.nu/cp59
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls

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  (517): He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls http://tfl.nu/0ix2
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday

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  (506): just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday http://tfl.nu/uetg
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  (801): View more from Utah

  we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious

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  (801): we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious http://tfl.nu/ejqb
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail

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  (216): So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail http://tfl.nu/m6e0
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  (206): View more from Washington

  No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.

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  (206): No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher. http://tfl.nu/9rva
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  (585): View more from New York

  I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?

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  (585): I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei? http://tfl.nu/dlk1
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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  (978): I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING (617): you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me. http://tfl.nu/bj47
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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  (704): Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining. http://tfl.nu/owux
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up

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  (920): he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up http://tfl.nu/v5zl
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.

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  (724): I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move... (412): Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am. http://tfl.nu/4pbg
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day

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  (360): Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day http://tfl.nu/ru8t
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.

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  (505): I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat. http://tfl.nu/2tx3
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  (510): View more from California

  Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.

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  (510): Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day. http://tfl.nu/kbev
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.

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  (843): I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car. http://tfl.nu/mri5
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.

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  (773): It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse. http://tfl.nu/a75v
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon

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  (416): I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon http://tfl.nu/5ghl
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.

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  (757): yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd. http://tfl.nu/nagb
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.

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  (215): So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me. http://tfl.nu/xxo9
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex

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  (608): i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex http://tfl.nu/mh19
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong

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  (630): So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong http://tfl.nu/7whz
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  (850): View more from Florida

  "Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?

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  (850): "Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW? http://tfl.nu/ng2t
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  (516): View more from New York

  Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"

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  (516): Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering" http://tfl.nu/dwjq
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.

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  (617): creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack. http://tfl.nu/jtst
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!

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  (814): My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!! http://tfl.nu/fx6s
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  (817): View more from Texas

  And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub

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  (817): And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub http://tfl.nu/i3vc
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  (509): View more from Washington

  She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

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  (509): She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center http://tfl.nu/9ea5
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  (386): View more from Florida

  Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.

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  (386): Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target. http://tfl.nu/eg9l
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  (718): View more from New York

  He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.

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  (718): He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise. http://tfl.nu/c0nn
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.

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  (662): I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered. http://tfl.nu/u71a
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?

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  (330): Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway? http://tfl.nu/zrwz
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  (813): View more from Florida

  i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.

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  (813): i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit. http://tfl.nu/9lua
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  (949): View more from California

  Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.

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  (949): Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language. http://tfl.nu/y11c
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

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  (804): IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT http://tfl.nu/e7uf
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  (415): View more from California

  Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

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  (415): Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting. http://tfl.nu/yl2c
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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  (817): I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve. http://tfl.nu/17gc
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  (818): View more from California

  well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning

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  (818): well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning http://tfl.nu/ywc2
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special

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  (941): I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special http://tfl.nu/g9sh
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."

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  (774): I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..." http://tfl.nu/yy1j
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.

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  (734): I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense. http://tfl.nu/c4vr
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided

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  (609): Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided http://tfl.nu/mbmq
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  (323): View more from California

  Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.

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  (323): Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy. http://tfl.nu/58l0
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.

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  (312): My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger. http://tfl.nu/m23s
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on

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  (570): i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on http://tfl.nu/lrwn
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.

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  (904): I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana. http://tfl.nu/xfg3
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

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  (904): Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do. http://tfl.nu/0tan
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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  (303): Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever http://tfl.nu/gvxq
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!

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  (202): My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin! http://tfl.nu/ygvu
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.

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  (702): She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note. http://tfl.nu/7aam
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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  (303): One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud. http://tfl.nu/mlmc
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  (917): View more from New York City

  the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.

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  (917): the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there. http://tfl.nu/q6gx
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  (817): View more from Texas

  When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.

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  (817): When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar. http://tfl.nu/ucur
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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  (908): where's my purse there's an important taco in it http://tfl.nu/d9zq
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.

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  (705): i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding. http://tfl.nu/t3vj
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.

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  (508): Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you. http://tfl.nu/gxjs
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  (239): View more from Florida

  While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".

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  (239): While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth". http://tfl.nu/xyop
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.

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  (610): So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way. http://tfl.nu/846z
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.

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  (856): it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar. http://tfl.nu/5cy5
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  (206): View more from Washington

  i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin

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  (206): i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin http://tfl.nu/oy4z
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  (716): View more from New York

  So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.

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  (716): So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building. http://tfl.nu/resy
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers

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  (606): All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers http://tfl.nu/uhar
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  (+33): View more from France

  how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?

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  (+33): how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men? http://tfl.nu/4scz
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I swear to god he's a one man village people.

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  (503): I swear to god he's a one man village people. http://tfl.nu/tro1
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

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  (508): this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes" http://tfl.nu/1j0f
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The pine trees are waving at me.

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Put the pipe down honey.

  (253): View more from Washington

  Hi trees.

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  (253): The pine trees are waving at me. (907): Put the pipe down honey. (253): Hi trees. http://tfl.nu/6b23
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.

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  (443): Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that. http://tfl.nu/hvnx
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  (631): View more from New York

  beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.

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  (631): beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner. http://tfl.nu/w2xi
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

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  (306): They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties. http://tfl.nu/2id3
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.

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  (330): After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant. http://tfl.nu/zp63
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here

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  (513): successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here http://tfl.nu/y491
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times

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  (978): Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times http://tfl.nu/be2v
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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  (330): just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people. http://tfl.nu/iaht
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  (661): View more from California

  So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?

  (818): View more from California

  I hate you.

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  (661): So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night? (818): I hate you. http://tfl.nu/ps95
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.

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  (973): her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it. http://tfl.nu/lrhx
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly

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  (443): I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly http://tfl.nu/9fzw
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

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  (215): Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything. http://tfl.nu/hi5p
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  no pressure.

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  (856): he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him. (215): no pressure. http://tfl.nu/wyu7
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.

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  (785): I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well. http://tfl.nu/l51l
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.

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  (570): do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome. http://tfl.nu/5az6
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.

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  (814): if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning. http://tfl.nu/xo3z
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.

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  (402): On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms. http://tfl.nu/59ye
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?

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  (306): Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better? http://tfl.nu/6en9
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  like it was yesterday

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  (240): Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra? (732): like it was yesterday http://tfl.nu/1org
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.

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  (801): Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon. http://tfl.nu/ouiw
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  (956): View more from Texas

  Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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  (956): Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..." http://tfl.nu/geex
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.

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  (262): We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college. http://tfl.nu/yagx
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

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  (202): the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar http://tfl.nu/f2lj
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this

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  (303): I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this http://tfl.nu/m1v9
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  (903): View more from Texas

  He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...

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  (903): He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered... http://tfl.nu/skgw
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  (518): View more from New York

  so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?

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  (518): so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for? http://tfl.nu/nqhg
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets

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  (413): How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets http://tfl.nu/sjge
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.

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  (910): I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through. http://tfl.nu/z33k
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  cat food counts as protein by the way

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  (709): cat food counts as protein by the way http://tfl.nu/k5gc
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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  (226): This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon http://tfl.nu/4pbx
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

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  (307): The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story (307): The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant. http://tfl.nu/nooi
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments

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  (204): Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments http://tfl.nu/8aia
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.

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  (425): Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older. http://tfl.nu/u48g
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  (845): View more from New York

  Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.

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  (845): Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere. http://tfl.nu/7gle
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever

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  (620): She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever http://tfl.nu/3n5f
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.

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  (570): Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city. http://tfl.nu/2blw
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  (718): View more from New York

  i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..

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  (718): i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share.. http://tfl.nu/5uhy
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  (925): View more from California

  These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.

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  (925): These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot. http://tfl.nu/wa4w
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  (432): View more from Texas

  Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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  (432): Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat" http://tfl.nu/ofhr
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.

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  (970): I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not. http://tfl.nu/wxss
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...

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  (319): just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa... http://tfl.nu/k3oe
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

  (1-859): View more from Kentucky

  please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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  (859): I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes! (1-859): please elaborate on, "atleast one ear" http://tfl.nu/8j2w
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.

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  (519): so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious. http://tfl.nu/hyyw
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.

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  (303): I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM. http://tfl.nu/5j68
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  (909): View more from California

  She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.

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  (909): She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle. http://tfl.nu/v9v9
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.

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  (608): Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week. http://tfl.nu/ckos
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me

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  (201): They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me http://tfl.nu/zcpa
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it

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  (201): I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it http://tfl.nu/a65q
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.

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  (303): Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with. http://tfl.nu/dbx0
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.

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  (330): I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life. http://tfl.nu/ydnu
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'

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  (636): The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.' http://tfl.nu/hueh
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole

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  (908): My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole http://tfl.nu/mk1q
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  (578): View more from

  oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.

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  (578): oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home. http://tfl.nu/mth9
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems

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  (202): just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems http://tfl.nu/fumh
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.

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  (404): He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful. http://tfl.nu/q2qd
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...

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  (757): she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them... http://tfl.nu/ior4
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  (713): View more from Texas

  He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.

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  (713): He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop. http://tfl.nu/xdpv
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber

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  (540): there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber http://tfl.nu/88lc
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man

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  (502): At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man http://tfl.nu/m2kp
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.

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  (404): What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs. http://tfl.nu/w7nv
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  (361): View more from Texas

  Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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  (361): Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one? http://tfl.nu/k16y
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'

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  (703): Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks' http://tfl.nu/njwf
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  (516): View more from New York

  Found your pants in the mailbox

  (646): View more from New York

  What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

  (516): View more from New York

  I don't know but there's postage on them

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  (516): Found your pants in the mailbox (646): What were my pants doing in the mailbox? (516): I don't know but there's postage on them http://tfl.nu/6yt8
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"

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  (262): My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?" http://tfl.nu/j8cb
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us

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  (920): We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us http://tfl.nu/fe65
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name

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  (303): so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name http://tfl.nu/x1lq
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  (716): View more from New York

  Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting

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  (716): Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting http://tfl.nu/p9om
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.

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  (604): He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route. http://tfl.nu/lmqa
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.

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  (912): well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing. http://tfl.nu/4jog
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  (310): View more from California

  I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him

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  (310): I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him http://tfl.nu/a0ny
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  (631): View more from New York

  do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?

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  (631): do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis? http://tfl.nu/tizi
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps

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  (757): I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps http://tfl.nu/vrde
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

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  (609): You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke. http://tfl.nu/1rx3
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  (315): View more from New York

  I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit

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  (315): I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit http://tfl.nu/ybzi
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors

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  (517): I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors http://tfl.nu/omyr
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.

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  (317): Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor. http://tfl.nu/i4di
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.

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  (612): My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment. http://tfl.nu/bb74
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.

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  (216): 6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever. http://tfl.nu/zd97
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  (518): View more from New York

  i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.

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  (518): i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that. http://tfl.nu/4wam
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear

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  (931): and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear http://tfl.nu/30cm
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"

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  (719): He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that" http://tfl.nu/ec8j
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario

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  (770): he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario http://tfl.nu/em7y
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.

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  (978): bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/o1ww
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.

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  (205): Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable. http://tfl.nu/h65h
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"

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  (817): I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!" http://tfl.nu/bikn
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.

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  (802): She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave. http://tfl.nu/huhd
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.

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  (252): so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream. http://tfl.nu/3wg7
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

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  (402): Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma http://tfl.nu/lc92
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.

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  (231): I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay. http://tfl.nu/7ezq
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  (805): View more from California

  you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible

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  (805): you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible http://tfl.nu/6jjf
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie

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  (504): Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie http://tfl.nu/6e1s
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?

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  (807): I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight? http://tfl.nu/7h08
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions

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  (757): Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions http://tfl.nu/0uvp
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?

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  (901): hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn? http://tfl.nu/pzvd
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff

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  (303): I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff http://tfl.nu/0hbk
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  (214): View more from Texas

  a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"

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  (214): a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate" http://tfl.nu/0wuw
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  (310): View more from California

  While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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  (310): While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating. http://tfl.nu/umg8
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.

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  (904): Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up. http://tfl.nu/3e3n
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"

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  (910): You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?" http://tfl.nu/kb6v
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark

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  (815): Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark http://tfl.nu/xtgk
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.

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  (303): She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love. http://tfl.nu/koii
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend

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  (678): Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend http://tfl.nu/u7rd
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

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  (321): I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised... http://tfl.nu/krhx
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  (310): View more from California

  It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.

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  (310): It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer. http://tfl.nu/9xay
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.

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  (419): I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars. http://tfl.nu/ussa
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me

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  (774): mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me http://tfl.nu/1umx
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain

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  (612): i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain http://tfl.nu/an1d
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.

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  (231): you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob. http://tfl.nu/xbl2
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...

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  (920): Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around... http://tfl.nu/q37r
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging

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  (407): I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging http://tfl.nu/yisg
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  (315): View more from New York

  We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.

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  (315): We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits. http://tfl.nu/d5s5
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night

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  (803): Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night http://tfl.nu/ewza
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  (415): View more from California

  You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.

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  (415): You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off. http://tfl.nu/eb22
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet

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  (816): Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet http://tfl.nu/ftvp
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way

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  (616): you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way http://tfl.nu/p3hb
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  (661): View more from California

  Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.

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  (661): Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple. http://tfl.nu/553h
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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  (970): There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun http://tfl.nu/5s8r
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again

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  (226): Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again http://tfl.nu/v9b0
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.

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  (609): He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this. http://tfl.nu/kn9g
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  (386): View more from Florida

  Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.

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  (386): Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation. http://tfl.nu/xc4n
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  (626): View more from California

  i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen

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  (626): i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen http://tfl.nu/216j
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.

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  (713): Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go. http://tfl.nu/z9ow
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.

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  (406): Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast. http://tfl.nu/9556
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.

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  (708): I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off. http://tfl.nu/ln09
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.

  (1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

  This is why we're friends.

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  (780): If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator. (1-780): This is why we're friends. http://tfl.nu/yp3s
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.

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  (775): Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/8nek
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.

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  (517): found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping. http://tfl.nu/l6f0
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.

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  (814): You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride. http://tfl.nu/0b9w
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now

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  (403): I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now http://tfl.nu/plpv
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  (661): View more from California

  the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero

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  (661): the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero http://tfl.nu/o327
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  (718): View more from New York

  I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"

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  (718): I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!" http://tfl.nu/wp1u
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?

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  (503): They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that? http://tfl.nu/8vi3
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later

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  (617): i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later http://tfl.nu/ptu9
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?

  (1-740): View more from Ohio

  2.5

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  (740): How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement? (1-740): 2.5 http://tfl.nu/yjjp
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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  (401): she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch! (508): because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking. http://tfl.nu/qlq5
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables

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  (301): I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables http://tfl.nu/82j1
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...

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  (843): Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks.... (843): I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one... http://tfl.nu/xuml
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..

  (1-318): View more from Louisiana

  what?how do you know?

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.

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  (318): i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday.. (1-318): what?how do you know? (318): it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet. http://tfl.nu/gg1h
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"

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  (412): I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this" http://tfl.nu/4n5n
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  (716): View more from New York

  It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.

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  (716): It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it. http://tfl.nu/308e
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  (646): View more from New York

  So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.

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  (646): So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex. http://tfl.nu/jc5g
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

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  (919): Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick. http://tfl.nu/djhd
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  (903): View more from Texas

  I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.

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  (903): I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink. http://tfl.nu/zmqp
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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  (240): last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours http://tfl.nu/1nv0
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.

  (518): View more from New York

  I am in love with you.

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  (203): Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think. (518): I am in love with you. http://tfl.nu/yy5e
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.

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  (740): Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party. http://tfl.nu/kjr7
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"

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  (410): You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock" http://tfl.nu/flxw
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  (818): View more from California

  i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...

  (805): View more from California

  i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"

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  (818): i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday... (805): i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it" http://tfl.nu/3fjc
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins

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  (215): thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins http://tfl.nu/qdth
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.

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  (770): You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind. http://tfl.nu/3qxe
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.

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  (502): Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936. http://tfl.nu/hg2d
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.

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  (434): I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever. http://tfl.nu/fuow
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

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  (850): I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain. http://tfl.nu/8aml
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers

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  (781): he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness... (413): how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers http://tfl.nu/137y
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.

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  (703): Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk. http://tfl.nu/el36
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.

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  (503): Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general. http://tfl.nu/8yi1
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Sucks about the cops last night

  (848): View more from New Jersey

  to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..

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  (609): Sucks about the cops last night (848): to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party.. http://tfl.nu/rv14
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.

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  (843): Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat. http://tfl.nu/tf28
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.

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  (647): there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper. http://tfl.nu/yyzx
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.

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  (251): You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded. http://tfl.nu/84co
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  Totally get that.

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  (248): I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend. (1-248): Totally get that. http://tfl.nu/ho2w
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  So many bounce houses so little time

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  (860): So many bounce houses so little time http://tfl.nu/tcx2
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .

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  (419): The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. . http://tfl.nu/zh9v
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  (516): View more from New York

  He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.

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  (516): He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes. http://tfl.nu/agxg
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  (909): View more from California

  He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.

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  (909): He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me. http://tfl.nu/a0xa
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  (754): View more from Florida

  I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.

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  (754): I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris. http://tfl.nu/pib9
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.

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  (615): Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night. http://tfl.nu/5pdk
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  (509): View more from Washington

  My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.

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  (509): My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment. http://tfl.nu/j2q1
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  (917): View more from New York City

  He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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  (917): He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm. http://tfl.nu/al4b
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog

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  (908): you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog http://tfl.nu/njtd
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life

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  (406): I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life http://tfl.nu/9zyl
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.

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  (724): I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo. http://tfl.nu/korz
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages

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  (978): im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages http://tfl.nu/apfo
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired

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  (314): The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired http://tfl.nu/0mk4
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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  (864): no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job. http://tfl.nu/97jt
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on

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  (219): surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on http://tfl.nu/a8g3
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores

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  (609): it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores http://tfl.nu/lmvr
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?

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  (913): high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life? http://tfl.nu/lv3r
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.

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  (202): At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us. http://tfl.nu/d8nu
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...

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  (443): At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead... http://tfl.nu/ukld
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.

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  (954): Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers. http://tfl.nu/re05
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.

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  (512): Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky. http://tfl.nu/on0b
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  how could i say no?

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  (513): wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka? (1-513): how could i say no? http://tfl.nu/1o9r
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

  (1-218): View more from Minnesota

  Both?

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  (218): Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants? (1-218): Both? http://tfl.nu/yr9r
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.

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  (610): Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand. http://tfl.nu/ms96
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  (714): View more from California

  He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.

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  (714): He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where. http://tfl.nu/my2r
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.

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  (919): we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni. http://tfl.nu/1ccz
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling

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  (815): just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling http://tfl.nu/a8k8
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?

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  (214): Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us? http://tfl.nu/e7z7
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

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  (309): I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors. http://tfl.nu/cath
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family

  (812): View more from Indiana

  Not even marginally surprised

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  (765): He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family (812): Not even marginally surprised http://tfl.nu/oyoq
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.

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  (229): Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night. http://tfl.nu/4bxb
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.

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  (608): I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs. http://tfl.nu/xx6g
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza

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  (250): she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza http://tfl.nu/2a0o
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.

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  (931): I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then. http://tfl.nu/2mcz
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.

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  (717): man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks. http://tfl.nu/cdmu
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".

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  (865): She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit". http://tfl.nu/1ezf
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him

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  (203): theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him http://tfl.nu/busx
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.

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  (262): we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere. http://tfl.nu/ddqg
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...

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  (303): Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks... http://tfl.nu/ccgl
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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  (305): I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave. http://tfl.nu/m7xq
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....

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  (757): You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors.... http://tfl.nu/43xp
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason

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  (304): If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason http://tfl.nu/mpoe
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.

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  (575): Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship. http://tfl.nu/tvch
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.

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  (478): There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect. http://tfl.nu/c9bw
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point

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  (515): the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point http://tfl.nu/syrq
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  (917): View more from New York City

  They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.

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  (917): They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party. http://tfl.nu/9044
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  (949): View more from California

  Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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  (949): Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN. http://tfl.nu/2o4b
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms

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  (804): he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms http://tfl.nu/3xwg
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.

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  (715): Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy! (218): I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head. http://tfl.nu/0svk
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista

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  (312): I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista http://tfl.nu/d26q
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.

  (228): View more from Mississippi

  Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.

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  (256): Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you. (228): Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it. http://tfl.nu/6bli
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  (281): View more from Texas

  His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled

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  (281): His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled http://tfl.nu/gplx
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...

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  (250): He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock... http://tfl.nu/tura
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  (509): View more from Washington

  They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.

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  (509): They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried. http://tfl.nu/h9l8
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.

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  (312): This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/7nbz
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?

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  (740): I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign? http://tfl.nu/ahav
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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  (443): We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status. http://tfl.nu/kzoi
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito

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  (617): i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito http://tfl.nu/zxd0
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  (845): View more from New York

  I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.

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  (845): I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey. http://tfl.nu/3eol
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  You totally left a blue butt print on our banister

  (573): View more from Missouri

  Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.

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  (417): You totally left a blue butt print on our banister (573): Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time. http://tfl.nu/r57f
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  (661): View more from California

  It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.

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  (661): It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job. http://tfl.nu/htiz
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.

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  (318): the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese. http://tfl.nu/xs1m
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..

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  (412): You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off.. http://tfl.nu/ermc
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?

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  (602): Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now? http://tfl.nu/lkox
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  (516): View more from New York

  I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen

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  (516): I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen http://tfl.nu/keq8
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?

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  (301): Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm? http://tfl.nu/94o0
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  (818): View more from California

  I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.

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  (818): I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them. http://tfl.nu/l7o1
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.

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  (440): Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet. http://tfl.nu/2c2c
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion

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  (904): I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion http://tfl.nu/iqkp
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.

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  (813): Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator. http://tfl.nu/65uw
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach

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  (774): Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach http://tfl.nu/gl5r
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore

  (209): View more from California

  You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?

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  (574): So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore (209): You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect? http://tfl.nu/4y0y
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time

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  (270): There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time http://tfl.nu/e9de
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card

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  (732): on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card http://tfl.nu/pv0m
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.

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  (612): And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer. http://tfl.nu/cz4h
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome

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  (443): Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome http://tfl.nu/nq8y
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....

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  (248): To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet.... http://tfl.nu/cx4o
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.

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  (215): I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day. http://tfl.nu/v175
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...

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  (417): He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night... http://tfl.nu/cdml
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

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  (229): He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him. http://tfl.nu/c2pz
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.

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  (832): Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face. http://tfl.nu/c54m
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  (206): View more from Washington

  My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

  (415): View more from California

  Why?

  (206): View more from Washington

  Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

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  (206): My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now. (415): Why? (206): Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch. http://tfl.nu/7w51
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  (450): View more from Quebec

  I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life

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  (450): I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life http://tfl.nu/01gr
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  (972): View more from Texas

  My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.

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  (972): My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B. http://tfl.nu/k9ee
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier

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  (612): you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier http://tfl.nu/qh8d
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...

  (1-479): View more from Arkansas

  I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma

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  (479): I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club... (1-479): I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma http://tfl.nu/vhqd
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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  (902): you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face. http://tfl.nu/e2jp
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it

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  (778): You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it http://tfl.nu/gf74
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  (343): View more from Ontario

  His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted

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  (343): His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted http://tfl.nu/gnt2
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.

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  (910): I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive. http://tfl.nu/9t3w
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.

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  (908): So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all. http://tfl.nu/ms6m
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  (714): View more from California

  I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.

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  (714): I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor. http://tfl.nu/i3nt
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  (619): View more from California

  I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.

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  (619): I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me. http://tfl.nu/zz8y
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.

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  (908): My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated. http://tfl.nu/0c6p
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

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  (517): The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came http://tfl.nu/4ft9
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i'm never eating chinese again.

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  (215): yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night. (215): i'm never eating chinese again. http://tfl.nu/0tg8
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life

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  (901): i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life http://tfl.nu/drtj
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  New game: find the sober person in Tbell

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  (480): New game: find the sober person in Tbell http://tfl.nu/sv6g
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Dude you has no fucking this poptart

  (719): View more from Colorado

  What?

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I dont know to explain this.

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  (843): Dude you has no fucking this poptart (719): What? (843): I dont know to explain this. http://tfl.nu/kk1s
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  (850): View more from Florida

  my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.

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  (850): my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster. http://tfl.nu/974x
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  (727): View more from Florida

  he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?

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  (727): he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal? http://tfl.nu/v8vs
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

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  (314): You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night http://tfl.nu/nbdz
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  (916): View more from California

  So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.

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  (916): So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday. http://tfl.nu/t9ad
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  (209): View more from California

  is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.

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  (209): is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety. http://tfl.nu/58yh
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  (315): View more from New York

  some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"

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  (315): some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!" http://tfl.nu/pcn6
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.

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  (706): This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules. http://tfl.nu/2gj5
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  (207): View more from Maine

  So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.

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  (207): So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town. http://tfl.nu/b29o
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  (805): View more from California

  my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

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  (805): my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad. http://tfl.nu/gbnx
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.

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  (336): This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level. http://tfl.nu/cqt6
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down

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  (973): not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down http://tfl.nu/e11q
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  when are you leaving homes?

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51

  (302): View more from Delaware

  I had a sex dream about Oprah.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  go back to sleep

  (302): View more from Delaware

  dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.

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  (302): when are you leaving homes? (610): it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51 (302): I had a sex dream about Oprah. (610): go back to sleep (302): dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah. http://tfl.nu/idf1
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.

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  (302): Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes. http://tfl.nu/niyo
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  (510): View more from California

  Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

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  (510): Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward. http://tfl.nu/2xfe
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  (253): View more from Washington

  You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.

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  (253): You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me. http://tfl.nu/6xwb
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.

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  (919): Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room. http://tfl.nu/3ukp
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.

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  (617): Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever. http://tfl.nu/bxqj
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.

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  (570): Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave. http://tfl.nu/d944
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.

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  (620): He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time. http://tfl.nu/dyz5
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.

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  (765): After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself. http://tfl.nu/i4wo
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.

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  (630): Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches. http://tfl.nu/xanx
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.

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  (416): Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend. http://tfl.nu/lag5
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable

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  (506): She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable http://tfl.nu/lnzm
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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  (334): He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning. http://tfl.nu/odgl
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?

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  (404): I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing? http://tfl.nu/vakp
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.

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  (703): the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years. http://tfl.nu/s9g1
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"

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  (715): You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts" http://tfl.nu/ong1
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.

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  (708): I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored. http://tfl.nu/z508
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.

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  (256): Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower. http://tfl.nu/xm1k
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.

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  (413): What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix. http://tfl.nu/3okt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again

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  (480): He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again http://tfl.nu/s0mc
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  (914): View more from New York

  i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.

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  (914): i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does. http://tfl.nu/xwvv
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.

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  (440): i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me. http://tfl.nu/a0ta
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  (801): View more from Utah

  he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?

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  (801): he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have? http://tfl.nu/qwp7
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.

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  (502): Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat. http://tfl.nu/hdie
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  (951): View more from California

  she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.

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  (951): she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked. http://tfl.nu/fnf4
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  (415): View more from California

  It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.

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  (415): It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend. http://tfl.nu/xojm
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.

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  (860): i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis. http://tfl.nu/7xur
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.

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  (678): Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting. http://tfl.nu/6icw
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game

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  (419): I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game http://tfl.nu/8vak
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city

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  (407): I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city http://tfl.nu/5mtu
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  (530): View more from California

  the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.

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  (530): the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation. http://tfl.nu/fqo6
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.

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  (612): This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me. http://tfl.nu/1k6h
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  (858): View more from California

  Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.

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  (858): Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today. http://tfl.nu/g96b
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal

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  (215): he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal http://tfl.nu/oaxp
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.

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  (781): picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already. http://tfl.nu/ugv0
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.

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  (404): And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT. http://tfl.nu/u1ny
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  (210): View more from Texas

  yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."

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  (210): yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons." http://tfl.nu/jfl4
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach

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  (506): Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach http://tfl.nu/g758
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it

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  (978): oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it http://tfl.nu/dcde
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.

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  (484): Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever. http://tfl.nu/sgnv
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.

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  (317): I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it. http://tfl.nu/klgn
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.

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  (802): Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle. http://tfl.nu/jhbj
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  (315): View more from New York

  My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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  (315): My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?' http://tfl.nu/x9n6
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  (+41): View more from Switzerland

  I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples

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  (+41): I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples http://tfl.nu/80un
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break

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  (330): I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break http://tfl.nu/u8kr
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...

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  (541): She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets... http://tfl.nu/jeys
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  (254): View more from Texas

  His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!

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  (254): His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!! http://tfl.nu/05kd
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.

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  (641): Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in. http://tfl.nu/co4b
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  (914): View more from New York

  Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.

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  (914): Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back. http://tfl.nu/842d
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  (718): View more from New York

  Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.

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  (718): Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much. http://tfl.nu/absj
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  (619): View more from California

  Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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  (619): Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich http://tfl.nu/k8p8
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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  (847): You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head http://tfl.nu/hdz6
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.

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  (404): He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me. http://tfl.nu/t7d5
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.

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  (313): So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college. http://tfl.nu/hsa9
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.

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  (732): she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it. http://tfl.nu/tlpk
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  (310): View more from California

  I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.

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  (310): I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila. http://tfl.nu/yi5v
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice

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  (920): its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice http://tfl.nu/sbu6
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex

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  (515): Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex http://tfl.nu/a38e
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.

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  (419): We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun. http://tfl.nu/fiqf
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.

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  (609): That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me. http://tfl.nu/oade
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.

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  (902): Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines. http://tfl.nu/9k5b
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  (619): View more from California

  Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.

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  (619): Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen. http://tfl.nu/rhei
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?

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  (973): Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes? http://tfl.nu/t0sq
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this

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  (218): he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this http://tfl.nu/jsty
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time

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  (517): He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time http://tfl.nu/hxad
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.

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  (306): We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love. http://tfl.nu/cwg6
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  (631): View more from New York

  the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care

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  (631): the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care http://tfl.nu/lqt5
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.

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  (703): They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait. http://tfl.nu/6f6p
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  (819): View more from Quebec

  She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad

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  (819): She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad http://tfl.nu/9y98
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  (925): View more from California

  Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.

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  (925): Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear. http://tfl.nu/48r4
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

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  (217): Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside http://tfl.nu/d6yu
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?

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  (678): He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa? http://tfl.nu/j68l
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.

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  (303): It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet. http://tfl.nu/tf1g
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.

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  (404): It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning. http://tfl.nu/70c1
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  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while

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  (787): 1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while http://tfl.nu/u6qo
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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  (763): Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg... http://tfl.nu/nasy
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  (253): View more from Washington

  I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.

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  (253): I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex. http://tfl.nu/rq63
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.

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  (484): we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song. http://tfl.nu/huqy
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......

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  (781): So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one....... http://tfl.nu/w37i
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  (863): View more from Florida

  fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"

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  (863): fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes" http://tfl.nu/05z7
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.

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  (815): I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT. http://tfl.nu/gdsf
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...

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  (865): His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation... http://tfl.nu/uas5
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  (716): View more from New York

  I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.

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  (716): I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle. http://tfl.nu/lk8z
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.

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  (817): I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts. http://tfl.nu/7tmi
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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  (256): you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!" http://tfl.nu/8xfk
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.

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  (401): My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar. http://tfl.nu/vsf5
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  (716): View more from New York

  Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

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  (716): Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon. http://tfl.nu/t979
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.

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  (302): Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace. http://tfl.nu/xnkm
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.

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  (785): Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible. http://tfl.nu/7cn6
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

  (1-201): View more from New Jersey

  youre welcome

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  (201): at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.." (1-201): youre welcome http://tfl.nu/sjha
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot

  (313): View more from Michigan

  He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all

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  (313): I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot (313): He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all http://tfl.nu/6st3
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today

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  (503): Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today http://tfl.nu/xs2q
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.

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  (303): Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent. http://tfl.nu/g68o
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  (510): View more from California

  I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.

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  (510): I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots. http://tfl.nu/tjxa
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  (516): View more from New York

  i have one question about last night

  (646): View more from New York

  if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain

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  (516): i have one question about last night (646): if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain http://tfl.nu/69sr
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  (845): View more from New York

  I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....

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  (845): I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex.... http://tfl.nu/n100
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??

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  (314): DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT?? http://tfl.nu/2vmn
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.

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  (813): Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again. http://tfl.nu/0xdw
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...

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  (613): His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat... http://tfl.nu/xzfb
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  (562): View more from California

  you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.

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  (562): you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again. http://tfl.nu/7o6u
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

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  (774): Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n (617): Why am I even shocked you're doing this.... http://tfl.nu/y7yp
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.

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  (201): Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man. http://tfl.nu/hm6h
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.

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  (609): I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something. http://tfl.nu/5sjh
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.

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  (253): Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me. http://tfl.nu/6zni
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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  (320): I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on. http://tfl.nu/x1xg
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.

  (905): View more from Ontario

  I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.

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  (705): She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that. (905): I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory. http://tfl.nu/dnea
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  (386): View more from Florida

  I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.

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  (386): I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music. http://tfl.nu/9pnm
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  (518): View more from New York

  he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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  (518): he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials." http://tfl.nu/vm6j
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.

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  (765): He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something. http://tfl.nu/5hhc
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.

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  (502): If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was. http://tfl.nu/20o3
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.

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  (443): This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night. http://tfl.nu/mfsu
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?

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  (514): Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene? http://tfl.nu/zsme
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....

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  (731): He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars.... http://tfl.nu/aa23
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  (936): View more from Texas

  Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance

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  (936): Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance http://tfl.nu/8uw4
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  (727): View more from Florida

  His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.

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  (727): His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there. http://tfl.nu/9vdb
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  (310): View more from California

  If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?

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  (310): If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement? http://tfl.nu/kphp
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.

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  (678): He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going. http://tfl.nu/db5s
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?

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  (515): Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this? http://tfl.nu/woh0
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.

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  (816): I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs. http://tfl.nu/7j97
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire

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  (757): No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire http://tfl.nu/j9c5
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

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  (901): You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury http://tfl.nu/7ksy
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?

  (1-425): View more from Washington

  you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time

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  (425): I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I? (1-425): you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time http://tfl.nu/bm15
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.

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  (859): They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college. http://tfl.nu/okdu
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?

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  (615): Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER? http://tfl.nu/yz8w
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.

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  (937): This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable. http://tfl.nu/352a
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about

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  (253): Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about http://tfl.nu/o03a
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.

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  (513): So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand. http://tfl.nu/k6dt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.

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  (416): he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming. http://tfl.nu/nho3
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  (214): View more from Texas

  You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.

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  (214): You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters. http://tfl.nu/nfga
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

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  (908): It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?! http://tfl.nu/h7d0
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.

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  (702): Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better. http://tfl.nu/sd76
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  (386): View more from Florida

  Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.

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  (386): Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go. http://tfl.nu/vo4f
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store

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  (616): bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store http://tfl.nu/dcxn
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.

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  (937): I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide. http://tfl.nu/dybq
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.

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  (404): My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/ev36
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  (530): View more from California

  There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.

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  (530): There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome. http://tfl.nu/r11o
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ...... wtf.

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  (816): Where'd you guys get the alcohol from? (1-816): Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower. (816): ...... wtf. http://tfl.nu/k9gx
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.

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  (401): This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer. http://tfl.nu/lyuy
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7

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  (404): She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7 http://tfl.nu/xypt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes

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  (910): whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes http://tfl.nu/crfp
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart

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  (815): Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart http://tfl.nu/4qqp
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"

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  (443): her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does" http://tfl.nu/16y8
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"

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  (203): So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?" http://tfl.nu/t9pp
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  (631): View more from New York

  He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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  (631): He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved. http://tfl.nu/jbvc
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.

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  (540): For future references, orgasms clear sinuses. http://tfl.nu/b2l7
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

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  (702): Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter. http://tfl.nu/2ees
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.

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  (832): I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice. http://tfl.nu/6cq1
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  (305): View more from Florida

  MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.

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  (305): MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like. http://tfl.nu/d99s
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.

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  (205): I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy. http://tfl.nu/rek5
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  (607): View more from New York

  She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle

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  (607): She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle http://tfl.nu/wl70
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.

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  (937): Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies. http://tfl.nu/1bgy
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college

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  (778): I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college http://tfl.nu/2nnj
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.

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  (251): Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call. http://tfl.nu/u2ur
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

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  (780): Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man. http://tfl.nu/3qrw
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  (516): View more from New York

  She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning

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  (516): She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning http://tfl.nu/jaay
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight

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  (416): I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight http://tfl.nu/k1ij
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  (239): View more from Florida

  "Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.

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  (239): "Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood. http://tfl.nu/hwa3
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  (817): View more from Texas

  They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great

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  (817): They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great http://tfl.nu/5yg0
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.

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  (403): Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it. http://tfl.nu/6k4w
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  did u get his digits?

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...

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  (570): did u get his digits? (201): yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone... http://tfl.nu/pvtx
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up

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  (905): She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up http://tfl.nu/duhi
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex

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  (620): throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex http://tfl.nu/5t79
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  (213): View more from California

  Her brother is deaf.

  (214): View more from Texas

  no wonder she was so good with her hands

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  (213): Her brother is deaf. (214): no wonder she was so good with her hands http://tfl.nu/zbzq
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?

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  (412): At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks? http://tfl.nu/fbfw
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  (714): View more from California

  the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

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  (714): the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester http://tfl.nu/u653
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting

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  (719): We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting http://tfl.nu/vcgc
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.

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  (732): You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name. http://tfl.nu/cvf5
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.

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  (330): nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks. http://tfl.nu/s7xn
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.

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  (519): Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation. http://tfl.nu/lz4o
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.

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  (773): I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do. http://tfl.nu/ja9q
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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  (416): He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n http://tfl.nu/pe4m
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now

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  (318): I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now http://tfl.nu/xdsb
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"

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  (508): Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic" http://tfl.nu/1wpy
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.

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  (317): He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me. http://tfl.nu/3k3l
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  (325): View more from Texas

  The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am

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  (325): The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am http://tfl.nu/kqzx
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  (415): View more from California

  i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.

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  (415): i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me. http://tfl.nu/4nn8
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  (949): View more from California

  I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.

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  (949): I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation. http://tfl.nu/uflu
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it

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  (603): my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it http://tfl.nu/xy2b
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  you were mass sexting so we took your phone away

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  (816): you were mass sexting so we took your phone away http://tfl.nu/u2si
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.

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  (608): The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well. http://tfl.nu/1rx6
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  (646): View more from New York

  its my first week of college and i have a UTI

  (718): View more from New York

  not easy being a whore now is it

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  (646): its my first week of college and i have a UTI (718): not easy being a whore now is it http://tfl.nu/tyxw
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.

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  (717): and on the fourth day, god made foam parties. http://tfl.nu/nmea
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid

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  (201): bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid http://tfl.nu/hxiy
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  (418): View more from Quebec

  You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

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  (418): You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry" http://tfl.nu/nwle
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often

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  (412): the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often http://tfl.nu/iv13
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

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  (724): btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die. http://tfl.nu/rrxi
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"

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  (757): You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis" http://tfl.nu/xzec
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

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  (303): She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan. http://tfl.nu/jf6q
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?

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  (301): Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich? http://tfl.nu/66qn
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  (516): View more from New York

  The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

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  (516): The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina". http://tfl.nu/tnih
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.

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  (321): Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right. http://tfl.nu/ehig
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.

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  (309): ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet. http://tfl.nu/oxv5
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.

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  (601): He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows. http://tfl.nu/pp93
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.

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  (508): I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch. http://tfl.nu/jvw8
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

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  (870): He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed." http://tfl.nu/z9xx
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.

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  (443): There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic. http://tfl.nu/18x8
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?

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  (478): how did he go about obtaining bull sperm? http://tfl.nu/if4u
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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  (919): sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer. http://tfl.nu/u6do
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  (714): View more from California

  im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me

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  (714): im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me http://tfl.nu/k37i
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"

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  (304): What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?" http://tfl.nu/r7md
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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  (917): I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant http://tfl.nu/lnj1
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.

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  (506): I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace. http://tfl.nu/37qg
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us

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  (225): She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us http://tfl.nu/zfzd
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.

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  (412): I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is. http://tfl.nu/ejf0
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do

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  (859): you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do http://tfl.nu/7olq
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her

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  (540): hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her http://tfl.nu/8ahn
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?

  (224): View more from Illinois

  story of my life.

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  (717): do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were? (224): story of my life. http://tfl.nu/syxz
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..

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  (412): Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends.. http://tfl.nu/z85j
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.

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  (617): Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way. http://tfl.nu/5f04
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes

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  (410): i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes http://tfl.nu/11ee
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.

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  (267): The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon. http://tfl.nu/yrqs
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  (914): View more from New York

  i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school

  (1-914): View more from New York

  oh right the one that ends on your bed

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  (914): i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school (1-914): oh right the one that ends on your bed http://tfl.nu/wrnw
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  (925): View more from California

  At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.

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  (925): At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night. http://tfl.nu/1jxg
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  (207): View more from Maine

  My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense

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  (207): My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense http://tfl.nu/p3xl
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.

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  (570): He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom. http://tfl.nu/2ayy
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost

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  (251): I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost http://tfl.nu/fd0l
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...

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  (775): I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral... http://tfl.nu/9wf7
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Why is your signature on my underwear?

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  (419): Why is your signature on my underwear? http://tfl.nu/8itl
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  (813): View more from Florida

  It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.

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  (813): It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you. http://tfl.nu/aegn
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...

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  (610): You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice... http://tfl.nu/x7so
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

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  (503): I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too. http://tfl.nu/16uc
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.

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  (203): I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it. http://tfl.nu/2i57
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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  (908): While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you." http://tfl.nu/7a3m
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.

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  (313): while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up. http://tfl.nu/p2q9
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.

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  (919): It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis. http://tfl.nu/c5pc
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."

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  (609): I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila." http://tfl.nu/how1
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

  (352): View more from Florida

  And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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  (352): Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye. (352): And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave. http://tfl.nu/f5gq
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.

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  (520): Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already. http://tfl.nu/ffp6
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.

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  (917): Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th. http://tfl.nu/pukg
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.

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  (402): The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities. http://tfl.nu/3lte
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently

  (540): View more from Virginia

  and skipped dinner

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  (540): 3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently (540): and skipped dinner http://tfl.nu/igda
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  (607): View more from New York

  Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles

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  (607): Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles http://tfl.nu/47mn
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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  (816): That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again http://tfl.nu/xxfj
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  a search helicopter?!

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  (301): a search helicopter?! http://tfl.nu/5l8d
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?

  (571): View more from Virginia

  Fuck you.

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  (703): I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right? (571): Fuck you. http://tfl.nu/jxij
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  (909): View more from California

  The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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  (909): The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling." http://tfl.nu/73er
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.

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  (330): The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops. http://tfl.nu/2l9n
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  (469): View more from Texas

  I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.

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  (469): I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over. http://tfl.nu/vab8
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

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  (918): There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters http://tfl.nu/8485
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?

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  (815): I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed? http://tfl.nu/umcp
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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  (864): I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you. http://tfl.nu/pv7t
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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  (801): He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often. http://tfl.nu/6bnz
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.

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  (702): Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies. http://tfl.nu/viog
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall

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  (313): remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall http://tfl.nu/brex
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon

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  (507): All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon http://tfl.nu/xv5b
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things

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  (571): i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things http://tfl.nu/ommx
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night

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  (913): the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night http://tfl.nu/dx83
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?

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  (541): I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad? http://tfl.nu/iz9x
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now

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  (214): I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now http://tfl.nu/up7f
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

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  (614): My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry. http://tfl.nu/lss6
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?

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  (+44): can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant? http://tfl.nu/3x8e
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you

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  (303): you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you http://tfl.nu/wspo
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you

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  (602): I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you http://tfl.nu/rxgp
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"

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  (503): He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy" http://tfl.nu/s0u1
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.

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  (609): and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience. http://tfl.nu/1o4v
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  (925): View more from California

  Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

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  (925): Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you. http://tfl.nu/15wm
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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  (515): I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson" http://tfl.nu/itij
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  (631): View more from New York

  well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore

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  (631): well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore http://tfl.nu/6gwp
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are

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  (717): we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are http://tfl.nu/vwno
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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  (862): I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard http://tfl.nu/ecro
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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  (434): He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears. http://tfl.nu/acnv
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  (760): View more from California

  You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..

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  (760): You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching.. http://tfl.nu/8ueu
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..

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  (978): Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969.. http://tfl.nu/r5nl
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  (516): View more from New York

  OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

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  (516): OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM http://tfl.nu/ckuz
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  (914): View more from New York

  Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

  (914): View more from New York

  Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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  (914): Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem (914): Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty. http://tfl.nu/8j05
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.

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  (318): I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter. http://tfl.nu/35y3
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.

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  (303): stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole. http://tfl.nu/0oq5
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

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  (732): I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year http://tfl.nu/jq5i
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny

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  (304): As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny http://tfl.nu/vl4i
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.

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  (573): A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb. http://tfl.nu/1cz1
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?

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  (803): If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right? http://tfl.nu/9kx0
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.

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  (910): Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically. http://tfl.nu/2hl3
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  (818): View more from California

  two words...techno handjob

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  (818): two words...techno handjob http://tfl.nu/l83l
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  (936): View more from Texas

  He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know

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  (936): He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know http://tfl.nu/tf12
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  (850): View more from Florida

  it's great music for shaving your balls

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  (850): it's great music for shaving your balls http://tfl.nu/etrw
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  (801): View more from Utah

  So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away

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  (801): So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away http://tfl.nu/h2fc
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  (518): View more from New York

  no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter

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  (518): no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter http://tfl.nu/ikrf
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.

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  (630): I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate. http://tfl.nu/tob7
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  (239): View more from Florida

  I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling

  (1-239): View more from Florida

  You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?

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  (239): I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling (1-239): You hooked up with minors in a golf cart? http://tfl.nu/sx7k
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.

  (1-651): View more from Minnesota

  called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.

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  (651): just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot. (1-651): called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck. http://tfl.nu/1omb
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?

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  (515): you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night? http://tfl.nu/cew2
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  (305): View more from Florida

  After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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  (305): After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it. http://tfl.nu/d686
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  (347): View more from New York

  I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.

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  (347): I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there. http://tfl.nu/8ypv
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  (512): View more from Texas

  You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.

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  (512): You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye. http://tfl.nu/ovu6
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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  (918): when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace. http://tfl.nu/irh2
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.

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  (540): First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete. http://tfl.nu/s0lg
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  (305): View more from Florida

  i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot

  (1-305): View more from Florida

  lets call myth busters

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  (305): i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot (1-305): lets call myth busters http://tfl.nu/n34m
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.

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  (814): shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step. http://tfl.nu/6g1i
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex

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  (702): I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex http://tfl.nu/r82f
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed

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  (765): She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed http://tfl.nu/bbsg
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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  (603): Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk. http://tfl.nu/ivw8
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.

  (1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Your godly.

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  (403): Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation. (1-403): Your godly. http://tfl.nu/7li2
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Best. Handjob. Ever.

  (905): View more from Ontario

  I'm guessing Kelly is over?

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Nope. Home alone.

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  (416): Best. Handjob. Ever. (905): I'm guessing Kelly is over? (416): Nope. Home alone. http://tfl.nu/vpw4
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?

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  (610): I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show? http://tfl.nu/56pk
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library

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  (828): That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library http://tfl.nu/vcd5
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.

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  (859): I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat. http://tfl.nu/m2ko
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT

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  (717): do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT http://tfl.nu/ci1u
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

  (216): View more from Ohio

  i hate you

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  (330): so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister (216): i hate you http://tfl.nu/9cj0
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.

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  (540): I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse. http://tfl.nu/5mjb
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  (786): View more from Florida

  He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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  (786): He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets." http://tfl.nu/13ll
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...

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  (617): I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing... http://tfl.nu/p474
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months

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  (978): i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months http://tfl.nu/y63w
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them

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  (503): I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them http://tfl.nu/p9tn
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  (917): View more from New York City

  M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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  (917): M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. http://tfl.nu/5zhv
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril

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  (603): judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril http://tfl.nu/m6dd
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..

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  (574): Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called.. http://tfl.nu/0u89
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.

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  (256): Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation. http://tfl.nu/su8c
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night

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  (617): Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night http://tfl.nu/jx5s
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.

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  (937): I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens. http://tfl.nu/zmnj
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  (512): View more from Texas

  He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.

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  (512): He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club. http://tfl.nu/qxuv
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  (432): View more from Texas

  To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway

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  (432): To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway http://tfl.nu/h9fr
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?

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  (317): So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road? http://tfl.nu/ir52
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....

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  (301): She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice.... http://tfl.nu/0ncm
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

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  (519): You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know. http://tfl.nu/dzr5
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.

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  (705): I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless. http://tfl.nu/v2dr
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  (315): View more from New York

  I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"

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  (315): I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy" http://tfl.nu/ekfn
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.

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  (256): I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources. http://tfl.nu/m7l9
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  He just wants an even tan

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  (860): I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked. (1-860): He just wants an even tan http://tfl.nu/akk9
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  everybody makes mistakes

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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  (630): everybody makes mistakes (1-630): i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances http://tfl.nu/cihb
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"

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  (928): I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?" http://tfl.nu/rf85
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  (212): View more from New York

  Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!

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  (212): Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?! http://tfl.nu/8o3k
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.

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  (647): I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms. http://tfl.nu/aw2i
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  (512): View more from Texas

  the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

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  (512): the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys http://tfl.nu/w106
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  (760): View more from California

  Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...

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  (760): Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom... http://tfl.nu/f7p5
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  (415): View more from California

  Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.

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  (415): Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea. http://tfl.nu/bfzd
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.

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  (513): he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk. http://tfl.nu/epms
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  (530): View more from California

  dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often

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  (530): dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often http://tfl.nu/lo0b
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night

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  (724): I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night http://tfl.nu/leh0
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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  (256): He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front. http://tfl.nu/08qp
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  (914): View more from New York

  she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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  (914): she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it" http://tfl.nu/fy2z
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?

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  (847): he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel? http://tfl.nu/aqse
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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  (410): She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her. http://tfl.nu/tg03
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with

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  (410): She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with http://tfl.nu/po8c
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....

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  (702): as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor.... http://tfl.nu/g9pf
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first

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  (401): I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first http://tfl.nu/owtg
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.

  (949): View more from California

  she's my drunk super hero.

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  (219): you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds. (949): she's my drunk super hero. http://tfl.nu/ngha
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...

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  (781): Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa... http://tfl.nu/bbhr
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

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  (410): There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you. http://tfl.nu/a558
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.

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  (267): he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana. http://tfl.nu/oxo3
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  (512): View more from Texas

  i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving

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  (512): i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving http://tfl.nu/xstl
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.

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  (509): Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that. http://tfl.nu/jsxj
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.

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  (859): Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine. http://tfl.nu/7uwl
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding

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  (913): Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding http://tfl.nu/jewl
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless

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  (763): someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless http://tfl.nu/hdeq
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?

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  (419): I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included? http://tfl.nu/4lo3
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about

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  (330): apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about http://tfl.nu/0nal
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

  (702): View more from Nevada

  now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

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  (702): she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave. (702): now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like" http://tfl.nu/f7jt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

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  (513): I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen. http://tfl.nu/9jnz
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  (408): View more from California

  It's chlamydia! Thank God!

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  (408): It's chlamydia! Thank God! http://tfl.nu/1hqj
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.

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  (219): I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore. http://tfl.nu/bvdb
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy

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  (860): drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy http://tfl.nu/cj1r
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  (631): View more from New York

  She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.

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  (631): She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom. http://tfl.nu/uq6s
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

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  (773): Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years. http://tfl.nu/9eix
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  (315): View more from New York

  at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache

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  (315): at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache http://tfl.nu/jjc2
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him

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  (513): He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him http://tfl.nu/bwdr
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...

  (1-423): View more from Tennessee

  I'm eager to hear this explaination.

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  (423): Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog... (1-423): I'm eager to hear this explaination. http://tfl.nu/jgrb
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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  (519): my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar. (1-519): You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make. http://tfl.nu/j6t1
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.

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  (970): I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now. http://tfl.nu/y6ao
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2

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  (804): my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2 http://tfl.nu/hna9
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  (727): View more from Florida

  i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.

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  (727): i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina. http://tfl.nu/7vie
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30

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  (615): It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30 http://tfl.nu/ukox
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?

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  (308): What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts? http://tfl.nu/w182
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  (949): View more from California

  hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk

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  (949): hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk http://tfl.nu/17n5
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."

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  (513): she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead." http://tfl.nu/j1dy
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  (818): View more from California

  Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.

  (818): View more from California

  And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.

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  (818): Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas. (818): And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you. http://tfl.nu/hyux
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  (408): View more from California

  if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place

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  (408): if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place http://tfl.nu/15wd
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.

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  (404): His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me. http://tfl.nu/ej9i
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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  (774): I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass. http://tfl.nu/6q4x
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

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  (732): all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time (1-732): swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph http://tfl.nu/tobf
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  someone was throwing condoms at us.

  (1-401): View more from Rhode Island

  no, they just magically show up around you.

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  (401): someone was throwing condoms at us. (1-401): no, they just magically show up around you. http://tfl.nu/lgd4
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke

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  (802): i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke http://tfl.nu/r62l
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  there were a lot.

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  (918): thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am... (1-918): there were a lot. http://tfl.nu/x7ld
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited

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  (253): Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack. (1-253): What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited http://tfl.nu/n0ma
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i dont know what to do

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  with your life?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3

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  (732): i dont know what to do (1-732): with your life? (732): no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3 http://tfl.nu/i8yp
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  (315): View more from New York

  can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...

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  (315): can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits... http://tfl.nu/8lcs
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  (940): View more from Texas

  Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night

  (1-940): View more from Texas

  I don't have a cat..?

  (940): View more from Texas

  Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.

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  (940): Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night (1-940): I don't have a cat..? (940): Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge. http://tfl.nu/uym0
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?

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  (843): I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome? http://tfl.nu/1lt0
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit

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  (973): i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit http://tfl.nu/ux8z
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.

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  (603): did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless. http://tfl.nu/v4st
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....

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  (617): wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara..... http://tfl.nu/je0j
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  (845): View more from New York

  We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.

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  (845): We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey. http://tfl.nu/dkad
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina

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  (201): I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina http://tfl.nu/v35k
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  (281): View more from Texas

  She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

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  (281): She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this. http://tfl.nu/u3zd
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize

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  (403): I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize http://tfl.nu/xooj
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick

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  (519): I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick http://tfl.nu/bx5i
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know

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  (513): im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know http://tfl.nu/k4xw
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

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  (541): I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression? (815): Quite the contrary. Sophistication. http://tfl.nu/7jsx
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  (406): View more from Montana

  she pinky promised me she was 18

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  (406): she pinky promised me she was 18 http://tfl.nu/cbo2
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it

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  (973): So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it http://tfl.nu/ct20
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  (631): View more from New York

  You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows

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  (631): You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows http://tfl.nu/rci2
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came

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  (412): Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came http://tfl.nu/do8g
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.

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  (570): In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that. http://tfl.nu/ifkh
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!

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  (913): I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?! http://tfl.nu/fugu
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  (207): View more from Maine

  He violated my cat. I was not impressed.

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  (207): He violated my cat. I was not impressed. http://tfl.nu/2ip6
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  (562): View more from California

  I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.

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  (562): I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex. http://tfl.nu/ik0l
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.

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  (912): I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days. http://tfl.nu/3yem
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?

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  (931): is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl? http://tfl.nu/m6rn
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  (925): View more from California

  It smells like ranch

  (925): View more from California

  Must be all the white people

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  (925): It smells like ranch (925): Must be all the white people http://tfl.nu/51vw
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award

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  (336): i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award http://tfl.nu/t3kf
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot

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  (770): i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot http://tfl.nu/xdnv
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  (914): View more from New York

  Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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  (914): Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS http://tfl.nu/w0yg
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to

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  (506): I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to http://tfl.nu/sk6c
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.

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  (207): I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee. http://tfl.nu/4bjn
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.

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  (610): This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind. http://tfl.nu/lf45
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.

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  (734): He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another. http://tfl.nu/sx70
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  (585): View more from New York

  there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk

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  (585): there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk http://tfl.nu/9sjy
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  (954): View more from Florida

  im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls

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  (954): im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls http://tfl.nu/n5en
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  (818): View more from California

  he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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  (818): he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror http://tfl.nu/1dr8
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  (305): View more from Florida

  God, you're like boner-b-gone

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  (305): God, you're like boner-b-gone http://tfl.nu/0pn8
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement

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  (443): i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement http://tfl.nu/03ue
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?

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  (231): So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was? http://tfl.nu/e02a
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  (03): View more from

  you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!

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  (03): you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!! http://tfl.nu/e67e
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  (530): View more from California

  He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away

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  (530): He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away http://tfl.nu/6kvy
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  (206): View more from Washington

  The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...

  (425): View more from Washington

  Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.

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  (206): The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies... (425): Let's let the open bar be the judge of that. http://tfl.nu/ch8t
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  (925): View more from California

  Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??

  (1-925): View more from California

  Yes. Yes it is.

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  (925): Is snow just God skeeting all over the place?? (1-925): Yes. Yes it is. http://tfl.nu/ofba
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  wtf

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  (973): yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina (1-973): wtf http://tfl.nu/idhw
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country

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  (651): I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country http://tfl.nu/ju5o
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?

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  (978): Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick? http://tfl.nu/mjo7
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something

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  (570): i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something http://tfl.nu/ax1a
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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  (740): I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake http://tfl.nu/bl2k
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.

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  (978): Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either. http://tfl.nu/z8zq
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  It was only one, it doesn't count.

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  (978): I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES". (781): It was only one, it doesn't count. http://tfl.nu/lfgz
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  She's like the pied piper of lesbians.

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  (405): She's like the pied piper of lesbians. http://tfl.nu/2bl6
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done

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  (502): so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done http://tfl.nu/tthp
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."

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  (202): But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery." http://tfl.nu/8w5e
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  (206): View more from Washington

  He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.

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  (206): He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants. http://tfl.nu/v3dq
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  (805): View more from California

  He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.

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  (805): He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head. http://tfl.nu/up5g
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.

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  (843): I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you. http://tfl.nu/lcu4
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..

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  (770): I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean.. http://tfl.nu/mv06
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  (914): View more from New York

  tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.

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  (914): tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw. http://tfl.nu/h6gx
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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  (732): she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love http://tfl.nu/knwu
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass

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  (515): theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass http://tfl.nu/ckyi
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

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  (216): I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance. http://tfl.nu/bz9b
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.

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  (703): The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten. http://tfl.nu/8y7f
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there

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  (770): it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there http://tfl.nu/89or
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.

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  (702): I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad. http://tfl.nu/4uh2
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.

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  (973): random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question. http://tfl.nu/ra0q
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper

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  (225): i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper http://tfl.nu/01yr
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"

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  (703): I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila" http://tfl.nu/s09r
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.

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  (301): they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with. http://tfl.nu/84m6
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.

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  (931): Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame. http://tfl.nu/0khd
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.

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  (330): I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him. http://tfl.nu/hzd4
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?

  (1-678): View more from Georgia

  630.

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  (678): Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains? (1-678): 630. http://tfl.nu/hncc
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  (516): View more from New York

  He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore

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  (516): He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore http://tfl.nu/31xs
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex

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  (907): She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex http://tfl.nu/o751
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

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  (303): I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on http://tfl.nu/bnty
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it

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  (815): I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it http://tfl.nu/no3b
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices

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  (207): Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices http://tfl.nu/clic
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage

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  (513): both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage http://tfl.nu/uqc7
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  (716): View more from New York

  Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.

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  (716): Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public. http://tfl.nu/lwyj
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  dude how high are you right now?

  (256): View more from Alabama

  do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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  (256): i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground. (1-256): dude how high are you right now? (256): do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves. http://tfl.nu/7ihc
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.

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  (770): I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected. http://tfl.nu/i708
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag

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  (908): I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag http://tfl.nu/s6m9
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  morning after pill = breakfast in bed

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  (978): morning after pill = breakfast in bed http://tfl.nu/l1az
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.

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  (410): When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand. http://tfl.nu/fda6
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.

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  (240): Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't. http://tfl.nu/mosr
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe

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  (203): so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe http://tfl.nu/fk19
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  (845): View more from New York

  Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..

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  (845): Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup.. http://tfl.nu/wofn
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.

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  (604): when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible. http://tfl.nu/pxku
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  (512): View more from Texas

  and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through

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  (512): and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through http://tfl.nu/6tx9
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

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  (570): you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her http://tfl.nu/jaz5
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.

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  (603): He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was. http://tfl.nu/3v3c
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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  (215): Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing. http://tfl.nu/dzgt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.

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  (206): He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go. http://tfl.nu/rhri
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?

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  (303): What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil? http://tfl.nu/rel9
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?

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  (734): Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life? http://tfl.nu/8b6j
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.

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  (630): She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving. http://tfl.nu/1pg2
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.

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  (952): Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages. http://tfl.nu/1djk
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.

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  (647): Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts. http://tfl.nu/g67r
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me

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  (419): i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me http://tfl.nu/hyzr
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  (512): View more from Texas

  He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.

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  (512): He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests. http://tfl.nu/eem8
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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  (334): God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises. http://tfl.nu/xfua
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.

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  (317): she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch. http://tfl.nu/cail
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now

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  (952): I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now http://tfl.nu/4ogy
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  (214): View more from Texas

  What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.

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  (214): What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky. http://tfl.nu/b98l
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.

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  (502): Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there. http://tfl.nu/zqp7
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics

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  (513): i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics http://tfl.nu/sgxc
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.

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  (313): I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex. http://tfl.nu/ugby
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.

  (1-417): View more from Missouri

  That's because you are an idiot.

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  (417): I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot. (1-417): That's because you are an idiot. http://tfl.nu/6gwl
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome

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  (816): we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome http://tfl.nu/vmah
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.

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  (807): I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever. http://tfl.nu/8cfr
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."

  (319): View more from Iowa

  Decisions, decisions.

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  (319): So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you." (319): Decisions, decisions. http://tfl.nu/1ou5
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...

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  (250): Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls... http://tfl.nu/1wve
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  (408): View more from California

  You make shower sex sound like waterboarding

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  (408): You make shower sex sound like waterboarding http://tfl.nu/cy83
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  (516): View more from New York

  I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"

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  (516): I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?" http://tfl.nu/niuk
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me

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  (405): Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me http://tfl.nu/44om
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..

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  (832): I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete.. http://tfl.nu/bykt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring

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  (816): we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring http://tfl.nu/1aqf
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.

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  (603): If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored. http://tfl.nu/j0xj
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.

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  (281): Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up. http://tfl.nu/tbqv
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  (818): View more from California

  Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.

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  (818): Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on. http://tfl.nu/cwci
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.

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  (251): As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you. http://tfl.nu/zyub
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.

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  (301): you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off. http://tfl.nu/9btz
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'

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  (360): Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving' http://tfl.nu/j3uq
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

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  (770): my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad http://tfl.nu/o7wi
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?

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  (314): Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me? http://tfl.nu/x7by
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.

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  (540): Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh. http://tfl.nu/suhk
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  (831): View more from California

  So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...

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  (831): So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me... http://tfl.nu/3wpt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.

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  (352): we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark. http://tfl.nu/009s
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!

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  (610): I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin! http://tfl.nu/gtgt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here

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  (859): Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here http://tfl.nu/kvme
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.

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  (651): I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister. http://tfl.nu/ezh5
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  (585): View more from New York

  Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.

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  (585): Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven. http://tfl.nu/xlkq
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  (914): View more from New York

  Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him

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  (914): Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him http://tfl.nu/h9ln
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.

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  (519): and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover. http://tfl.nu/uo1b
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny

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  (580): She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny http://tfl.nu/sg6f
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.

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  (731): who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you. http://tfl.nu/e0pj
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  (+27): View more from South Africa

  My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.

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  (+27): My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos. http://tfl.nu/d1hj
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me

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  (215): i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me http://tfl.nu/j6i2
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.

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  (902): Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl. http://tfl.nu/a7t2
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.

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  (304): I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language. http://tfl.nu/immq
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX

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  (517): My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX http://tfl.nu/rv1c
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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  (509): Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup. http://tfl.nu/26kw
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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  (813): I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me. http://tfl.nu/z6eo
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.

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  (813): I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized. http://tfl.nu/p6rg
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship

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  (954): Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship http://tfl.nu/znld
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.

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  (734): Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested. http://tfl.nu/xcij
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

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  (908): Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks. http://tfl.nu/ltgr
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth

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  (865): I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth http://tfl.nu/mdm2
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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  (501): Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog. http://tfl.nu/8mg1
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.

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  (304): it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears. http://tfl.nu/ziqy
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang

  (917): View more from New York City

  really making moves this morning i see

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  (202): just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang (917): really making moves this morning i see http://tfl.nu/4n5c
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  You are nothing if not reliable.

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  (206): I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different. (1-206): You are nothing if not reliable. http://tfl.nu/5ioj
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

  (352): View more from Florida

  Just realized these events may be related.

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  (352): I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window. (352): Just realized these events may be related. http://tfl.nu/i6sd
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....

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  (609): just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public.... http://tfl.nu/rq3r
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.

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  (708): Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic. http://tfl.nu/b2ov
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.

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  (248): your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood. http://tfl.nu/qlw2
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard

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  (708): I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard http://tfl.nu/i4gj
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3

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  (403): Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3 http://tfl.nu/lt38
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

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  (973): So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter http://tfl.nu/eba3
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  (562): View more from California

  cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi

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  (562): cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi http://tfl.nu/kis8
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.

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  (641): is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink. http://tfl.nu/upl9
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes

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  (563): he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes http://tfl.nu/4qyv
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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  (708): He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS. http://tfl.nu/pf4u
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years

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  (609): It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years http://tfl.nu/cjjj
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...

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  (801): He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay... http://tfl.nu/tir1
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"

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  (208): he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something" http://tfl.nu/rcyf
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.

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  (401): Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name. http://tfl.nu/4teg
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

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  (205): I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers. http://tfl.nu/jlqp
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.

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  (703): You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason. http://tfl.nu/7b14
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  (850): View more from Florida

  my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?

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  (850): my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom? http://tfl.nu/5x0x
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.

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  (817): Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period. http://tfl.nu/d1q3
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  (415): View more from California

  is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?

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  (415): is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes? http://tfl.nu/tmmj
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.

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  (912): I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection. http://tfl.nu/273s
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  At least he's a nutritious stoner...

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  (402): Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches. (1-402): At least he's a nutritious stoner... http://tfl.nu/2qp4
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now

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  (267): We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now http://tfl.nu/1wl1
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.

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  (337): There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back. http://tfl.nu/dznq
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.

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  (902): driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are. http://tfl.nu/vxum
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.

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  (989): Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me. http://tfl.nu/zahg
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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  (617): He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up. http://tfl.nu/h2lf
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.

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  (678): Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid. http://tfl.nu/c97u
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I'm so horny

  (913): View more from Kansas

  I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect

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  (816): I'm so horny (913): I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect http://tfl.nu/ggyh
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation

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  (507): How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation http://tfl.nu/mdo6
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.

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  (401): after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome. http://tfl.nu/gm5a
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.

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  (210): Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material. http://tfl.nu/16u9
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..

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  (410): I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle.. http://tfl.nu/lwyr
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...

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  (412): I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student... http://tfl.nu/ab9h
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.

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  (401): it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher. http://tfl.nu/14gf
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went

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  (630): Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went http://tfl.nu/usqw
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  (845): View more from New York

  Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

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  (845): Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents. http://tfl.nu/6leg
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.

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  (225): I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one. http://tfl.nu/gflz
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official

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  (302): didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official http://tfl.nu/mdan
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life

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  (502): just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life http://tfl.nu/8goj
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma

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  (410): you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma http://tfl.nu/40s8
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.

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  (412): Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody. http://tfl.nu/qy8l
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!

  (1-804): View more from Virginia

  Wait are they playing beer pong to?

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  (804): there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule! (1-804): Wait are they playing beer pong to? http://tfl.nu/dq3n
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.

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  (301): It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have. http://tfl.nu/pc4d
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  (408): View more from California

  i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.

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  (408): i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person. http://tfl.nu/pbus
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"

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  (860): at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!" http://tfl.nu/hob5
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.

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  (502): I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me. http://tfl.nu/3nq2
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.

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  (610): I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible. http://tfl.nu/74be
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.

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  (727): Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew. http://tfl.nu/ch0g
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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  (304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se
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  (917): View more from New York City

  about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well

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  (917): about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well http://tfl.nu/ygjn
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.

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  (414): I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing. http://tfl.nu/kg0l
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.

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  (713): I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan. http://tfl.nu/gm7k
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed

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  (303): I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed http://tfl.nu/1p3v
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  (+54): View more from

  My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed

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  (+54): My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed http://tfl.nu/m32v
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.

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  (780): He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done. http://tfl.nu/315y
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  and what did he say?

  (614): View more from Ohio

  there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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  (614): yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world. (1-614): and what did he say? (614): there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning. http://tfl.nu/xi47
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get

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  (301): Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get http://tfl.nu/ews4
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

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  (202): He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!" http://tfl.nu/yfbj
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"

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  (727): Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore" http://tfl.nu/cs3y
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.

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  (267): I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does. http://tfl.nu/0qfz
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  (718): View more from New York

  you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.

  (917): View more from New York City

  i told you we never speak of that again

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  (718): you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something. (917): i told you we never speak of that again http://tfl.nu/ijex
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.

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  (918): He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is. http://tfl.nu/or0q
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  (425): View more from Washington

  oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog

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  (425): oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog http://tfl.nu/rz7h
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.

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  (256): Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs. http://tfl.nu/y8sy
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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  (614): My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex (1-614): You and your mom would make an amazing tag team http://tfl.nu/l8wh
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions

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  (203): As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions http://tfl.nu/qlm8
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".

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  (817): Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel". http://tfl.nu/2v56
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  (806): View more from Texas

  You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

  (1-806): View more from Texas

  Best pick-up line ever!

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  (806): You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck." (1-806): Best pick-up line ever! http://tfl.nu/plrf
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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  (334): This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back. http://tfl.nu/st6c
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

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  (412): He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up". http://tfl.nu/5shs
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.

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  (413): He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m. http://tfl.nu/2wu4
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.

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  (713): I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now. http://tfl.nu/lp4s
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??

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  (309): why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat?? http://tfl.nu/gupl
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  (916): View more from California

  Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

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  (916): Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius. http://tfl.nu/nzur
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

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  (973): how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me? http://tfl.nu/anhw
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  (845): View more from New York

  I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge

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  (845): I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge http://tfl.nu/to4j
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  (360): View more from Washington

  super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again

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  (360): super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again http://tfl.nu/5apw
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize

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  (727): Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize http://tfl.nu/86pd
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  Perfectly normal.

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  (440): Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?" (1-440): Perfectly normal. http://tfl.nu/lsmy
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.

  (231): View more from Michigan

  i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.

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  (616): whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook. (231): i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment. http://tfl.nu/fvdt
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  (650): View more from California

  an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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  (650): an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty. http://tfl.nu/vy3j
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

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  (765): I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing.. http://tfl.nu/jqwx
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.

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  (520): In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties. http://tfl.nu/3p0b
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was literally just a half conscious dildo.

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  (570): I was literally just a half conscious dildo. http://tfl.nu/oo11
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs

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  (702): What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs http://tfl.nu/q2ol
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.

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  (321): Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school. http://tfl.nu/sa6n
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.

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  (414): He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk. http://tfl.nu/wrdx
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now

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  (412): My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now http://tfl.nu/563a
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  (650): View more from California

  Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th

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  (650): Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th http://tfl.nu/8el9
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

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  (803): Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear. http://tfl.nu/2r4l
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.

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  (870): Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds. http://tfl.nu/xv3v
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?

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  (651): I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl? http://tfl.nu/nlrb
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  (863): View more from Florida

  I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good

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  (863): I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good http://tfl.nu/hwo6
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.

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  (913): The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off. http://tfl.nu/h8iv
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.

  (347): View more from New York

  I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.

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  (917): Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement. (347): I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy. http://tfl.nu/2bcu
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  (555): View more from

  Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.

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  (555): Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me. http://tfl.nu/aho3
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.

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  (303): I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more. http://tfl.nu/r5mk
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Someone just got laid.

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  (480): Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness? (774): Someone just got laid. http://tfl.nu/ub8q
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  there was naked duck duck goose

  (703): View more from Virginia

  how does that even get suggested?!

  (815): View more from Illinois

  after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

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  (815): there was naked duck duck goose (703): how does that even get suggested?! (815): after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal http://tfl.nu/ykdy
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  (817): View more from Texas

  They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

  (214): View more from Texas

  Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

  (817): View more from Texas

  You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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  (817): They asked me to help them shop for lingerie. (214): Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better. (817): You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for. http://tfl.nu/hqk4
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  (650): View more from California

  she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.

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  (650): she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out. http://tfl.nu/w208
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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  (920): i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel. http://tfl.nu/bqxg
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  (760): View more from California

  when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.

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  (760): when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice. http://tfl.nu/5xpe
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.

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  (309): Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary. http://tfl.nu/11rw
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  (626): View more from California

  in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"

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  (626): in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to" http://tfl.nu/ga0k
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.

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  (901): I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues. http://tfl.nu/beiy
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ..So we should take it off Youtube?

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  (660): THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you. (816): ..So we should take it off Youtube? http://tfl.nu/93os
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already

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  (289): So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already http://tfl.nu/wb0t
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.

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  (318): That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior. http://tfl.nu/48ho
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

  (410): View more from Maryland

  engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

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  (717): he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell. (410): engineering majors are such efficient drunks. http://tfl.nu/xm4l
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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  (757): I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want... http://tfl.nu/xmvr
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  (619): View more from California

  When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.

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  (619): When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward. http://tfl.nu/9nr4
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  (626): View more from California

  Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?

  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.

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  (626): Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened? (308): Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex. http://tfl.nu/5y08
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.

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  (763): The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet. http://tfl.nu/fwq9
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing

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  (208): know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing http://tfl.nu/j7xf
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.

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  (469): Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way. http://tfl.nu/w8yo
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH

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  (480): West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH http://tfl.nu/ntsd
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  (310): View more from California

  It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

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  (310): It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations http://tfl.nu/cpf7
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

  (1-330): View more from Ohio

  she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

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  (330): why is there cat hair all over my deoderant? (1-330): she wanted to smell more freshershest than you. http://tfl.nu/rk6z
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  (585): View more from New York

  Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

  (518): View more from New York

  It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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  (585): Why was I handcuffed to the roof? (518): It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly http://tfl.nu/nk88
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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  (407): I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying. http://tfl.nu/u472
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...

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  (303): theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner... http://tfl.nu/glgi
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.

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  (505): He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off. http://tfl.nu/4dsi
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."

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  (479): He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana." http://tfl.nu/t5zw
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"

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  (508): You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper" http://tfl.nu/17it
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  (817): View more from Texas

  You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

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  (817): You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go http://tfl.nu/d1mz
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  (716): View more from New York

  He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid

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  (716): He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid http://tfl.nu/btyl
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  (830): View more from Texas

  You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy

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  (830): You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy http://tfl.nu/g7o4
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.

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  (864): You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable. http://tfl.nu/afg8
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.

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  (304): I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk. http://tfl.nu/30xs
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

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  (515): So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry. http://tfl.nu/0btw
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  (+91): View more from India

  Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.

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  (+91): Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not. http://tfl.nu/eg4c
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.

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  (614): Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid. http://tfl.nu/mefj
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.

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  (401): I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants. (401): Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean. http://tfl.nu/96j7
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.

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  (520): while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE. http://tfl.nu/b4l7
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night

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  (712): I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night http://tfl.nu/v3fw
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.

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  (402): Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER. http://tfl.nu/3m46
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.

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  (203): he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs. http://tfl.nu/0b7z
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  (850): View more from Florida

  All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.

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  (850): All of my current injuries can be related back to sex. http://tfl.nu/ncc6
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing

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  (407): i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing http://tfl.nu/l66q
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.

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  (703): like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it. http://tfl.nu/vg3u
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Why are you covered in frosting?

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.

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  (952): Why are you covered in frosting? (262): Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy. http://tfl.nu/9hct
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  (714): View more from California

  It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time

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  (714): It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time http://tfl.nu/v4kt
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  (310): View more from California

  I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it

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  (310): I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it http://tfl.nu/jugc
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  (661): View more from California

  I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it

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  (661): I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it http://tfl.nu/bivl
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  (415): View more from California

  My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.

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  (415): My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements. http://tfl.nu/vs0n
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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  (904): Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is. http://tfl.nu/v4zj
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

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  (919): My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet. http://tfl.nu/ix9e
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??

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  (816): I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right?? http://tfl.nu/udb6
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.

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  (515): The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites. http://tfl.nu/ny6g
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning

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  (609): at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning http://tfl.nu/nizm
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"

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  (770): All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better" http://tfl.nu/pc1d
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

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  (908): Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger. http://tfl.nu/ni0e
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  (917): View more from New York City

  If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

  (917): View more from New York City

  Those had pot in them

  (917): View more from New York City

  And good luck on your interview asshole

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  (917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

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  (802): I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do http://tfl.nu/o1hg
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar

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  (+44): That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar http://tfl.nu/aq1i
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?

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  (561): Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest? http://tfl.nu/07hk
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Hey man your outta milk

  (541): View more from Oregon

  How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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  (503): Hey man your outta milk (541): How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?! http://tfl.nu/1x3m
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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  (630): Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on. (217): Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder. http://tfl.nu/huht
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....

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  (812): Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms.... http://tfl.nu/4wax
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.

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  (404): They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans. http://tfl.nu/hk9w
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

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  (204): I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?" (1-204): you are both the best and worst wingman ever. http://tfl.nu/2hl0
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  what was i wearing?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  nothing

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  (203): you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress' (508): what was i wearing? (203): nothing http://tfl.nu/2bg6
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  (936): View more from Texas

  She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.

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  (936): She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while. http://tfl.nu/5c77
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.

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  (602): Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest. http://tfl.nu/apc8
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.

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  (302): then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack. http://tfl.nu/fci7
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.

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  (910): I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy. http://tfl.nu/pewg
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand

  (1-856): View more from New Jersey

  We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?

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  (856): The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand (1-856): We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh? http://tfl.nu/4r62
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.

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  (702): she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom. http://tfl.nu/em4c
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  (951): View more from California

  My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now

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  (951): My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now http://tfl.nu/leuk
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ask politely.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Thats good enough.

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  (484): Ask politely. (610): Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you? (484): Thats good enough. http://tfl.nu/nxir
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works

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  (978): he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works http://tfl.nu/o828
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college

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  (609): my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college http://tfl.nu/i5zk
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.

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  (630): a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning. http://tfl.nu/n5pe
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty

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  (860): Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty http://tfl.nu/6xch
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago

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  (985): shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago http://tfl.nu/00sj
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  (516): View more from New York

  we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan

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  (516): we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan http://tfl.nu/uipi
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.

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  (207): I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something. http://tfl.nu/x6k7
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.

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  (860): So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this. http://tfl.nu/j4ab
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  (904): View more from Florida

  it glows. i had to have it.

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  (904): it glows. i had to have it. http://tfl.nu/ygwq
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.

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  (917): I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex. http://tfl.nu/nr6p
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.

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  (843): all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies. http://tfl.nu/8ixd
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.

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  (410): I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube. (1-410): I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds. http://tfl.nu/szhm
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  [insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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  (937): [insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight] http://tfl.nu/2cq7
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  (817): View more from Texas

  would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?

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  (817): would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping? http://tfl.nu/hbh2
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  (954): View more from Florida

  First date: that requires underwear, huh?

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  (954): First date: that requires underwear, huh? http://tfl.nu/ogif
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.

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  (304): He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too. http://tfl.nu/2www
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  (806): View more from Texas

  Two words Indian burn...

  (1-806): View more from Texas

  What did she think it was, a shake weight?

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  (806): Two words Indian burn... (1-806): What did she think it was, a shake weight? http://tfl.nu/39re
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  (347): View more from New York

  she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.

  (1-347): View more from New York

  ofcourse you didnt.

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  (347): she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless. (1-347): ofcourse you didnt. http://tfl.nu/elq0
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

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  (770): The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding http://tfl.nu/pa6f
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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  (978): i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running. http://tfl.nu/jcc8
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  (760): View more from California

  Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

  (1-760): View more from California

  I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

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  (760): Why is your vibrator in the fridge? (1-760): I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there. http://tfl.nu/7etk
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are you still giving blowjobs?

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Who is this?

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  (850): Are you still giving blowjobs? (1-850): Who is this? http://tfl.nu/iq9v
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.

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  (905): My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed. http://tfl.nu/zkjg
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.

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  (814): I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was. http://tfl.nu/qrct
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  (585): View more from New York

  he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice

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  (585): he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice http://tfl.nu/25gk
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.

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  (304): I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn. http://tfl.nu/xmj5
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

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  (609): i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt http://tfl.nu/t4r8
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"

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  (360): Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?" http://tfl.nu/c0v9
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.

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  (973): A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ. http://tfl.nu/a72f
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick

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  (727): Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick http://tfl.nu/5e6v
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.

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  (306): Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off. http://tfl.nu/xf2g
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.

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  (203): Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned. http://tfl.nu/94k0
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  (425): View more from Washington

  couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school

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  (425): couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school http://tfl.nu/94oh
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."

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  (757): And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate." http://tfl.nu/e62b
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv

  (1-405): View more from Oklahoma

  we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina

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  (405): just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv (1-405): we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina http://tfl.nu/dapc
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.

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  (515): On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it. http://tfl.nu/mvhu
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  (858): View more from California

  So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?

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  (858): So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism? http://tfl.nu/tlrk
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money

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  (317): Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina. (614): Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money http://tfl.nu/rx4e
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  (518): View more from New York

  In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.

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  (518): In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it. http://tfl.nu/q114
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this

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  (410): forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this http://tfl.nu/291a
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?

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  (847): as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning? http://tfl.nu/weqo
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.

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  (973): Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again. http://tfl.nu/gz8q
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

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  (613): Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors. http://tfl.nu/tkq1
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  (714): View more from California

  Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.

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  (714): Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare. http://tfl.nu/ceys
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.

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  (270): I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die. http://tfl.nu/gibq
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

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  (303): He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk! http://tfl.nu/z1cd
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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  (337): Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning. http://tfl.nu/g9g5
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.

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  (609): We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada. http://tfl.nu/0b9c
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?

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  (404): So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat? http://tfl.nu/7wij
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.

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  (203): Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end. http://tfl.nu/e1gy
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.

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  (970): Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier. http://tfl.nu/o9ed
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997

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  (217): Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997 http://tfl.nu/gfc1
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.

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  (512): Too many people are naked here for this to be normal. http://tfl.nu/s42o
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  (530): View more from California

  As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

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  (530): As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before. http://tfl.nu/b7oy
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  What did I say?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,

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  (636): You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why. (847): What did I say? (636): Don't ask me questions while I have an erection, http://tfl.nu/e9w1
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

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  (513): i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure. http://tfl.nu/ruyi
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  (512): View more from Texas

  After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.

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  (512): After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game. http://tfl.nu/rksq
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  (661): View more from California

  His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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  (661): His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger http://tfl.nu/nen0
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  (315): View more from New York

  we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.

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  (315): we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks. http://tfl.nu/7ex7
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.

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  (630): Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened. http://tfl.nu/4exz
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.

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  (208): aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it. http://tfl.nu/sbum
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  (760): View more from California

  My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?

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  (760): My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this? http://tfl.nu/9ow4
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him

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  (303): mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him http://tfl.nu/uw49
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

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  (305): I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me. http://tfl.nu/06ls
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

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  (301): did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right. http://tfl.nu/lg5g
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.

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  (204): this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food. http://tfl.nu/5ycb
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.

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  (401): Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile. http://tfl.nu/y928
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building

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  (540): i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building http://tfl.nu/8nc8
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.

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  (201): Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well. http://tfl.nu/l70h
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  (214): View more from Texas

  you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.

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  (214): you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night. http://tfl.nu/kc82
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  He managed to light the Jello on fire...

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  (251): He managed to light the Jello on fire... http://tfl.nu/tu7i
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  (661): View more from California

  aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

  (623): View more from Arizona

  And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

  (661): View more from California

  Exactly.

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  (661): aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet (623): And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs (661): Exactly. http://tfl.nu/5o7t
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.

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  (678): I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present. http://tfl.nu/aj43
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

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  (513): I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this. http://tfl.nu/ok35
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?

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  (225): I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign? http://tfl.nu/j7ur
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  (817): View more from Texas

  90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus

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  (817): 90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus http://tfl.nu/i6dy
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"

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  (724): she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it" http://tfl.nu/sq67
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  (315): View more from New York

  She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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  (315): She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this... http://tfl.nu/h8y9
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

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  (413): my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out http://tfl.nu/0mnv
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.

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  (757): Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well. http://tfl.nu/ul8d
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  (716): View more from New York

  right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable

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  (716): right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable http://tfl.nu/dvma
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.

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  (617): After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left. http://tfl.nu/2zbc
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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  (260): I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/i41h
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.

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  (630): You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup. http://tfl.nu/bmm0
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink

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  (210): I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink http://tfl.nu/9ici
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me

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  (717): i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me http://tfl.nu/mrrk
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

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  (404): There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase http://tfl.nu/jdu6
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

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  (734): A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country. http://tfl.nu/okwk
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.

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  (717): dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high. http://tfl.nu/gyij
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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  (832): The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left. http://tfl.nu/7tek
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me

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  (913): the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me http://tfl.nu/ze1e
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.

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  (804): she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off. http://tfl.nu/ypig
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  (325): View more from Texas

  how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit

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  (325): how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit http://tfl.nu/gfh9
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  (+82): View more from South Korea

  You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.

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  (+82): You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes. http://tfl.nu/6vdw
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I'm full of awesome ideas

  (972): View more from Texas

  Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...

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  (214): I'm full of awesome ideas (972): Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs... http://tfl.nu/g4si
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  (315): View more from New York

  We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"

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  (315): We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?" http://tfl.nu/1ge9
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"

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  (336): He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth" http://tfl.nu/505h
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  It's shedding

  (1-912): View more from Georgia

  I told you penises don't tan

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  (912): It's shedding (1-912): I told you penises don't tan http://tfl.nu/7fx9
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

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  (248): I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name. http://tfl.nu/axbm
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.

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  (603): Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty. http://tfl.nu/d4ib
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday

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  (610): Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday http://tfl.nu/c2dx
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on

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  (519): We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on http://tfl.nu/80ye
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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  (850): Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual. http://tfl.nu/97w0
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though

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  (609): you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though http://tfl.nu/8e43
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  wanna hang out tonight and remember it?

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  (717): wanna hang out tonight and remember it? http://tfl.nu/5q3c
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.

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  (403): Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it. http://tfl.nu/0g8l
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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  (224): so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now. http://tfl.nu/4hn1
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?

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  (267): how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch? http://tfl.nu/7fe5
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  (949): View more from California

  I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

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  (949): I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people. http://tfl.nu/vbtd
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.

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  (832): Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college. http://tfl.nu/9ey3
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  And you didn't burst into flames?

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  (339): He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church. (1-203): And you didn't burst into flames? http://tfl.nu/aa0l
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  (858): View more from California

  Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it

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  (858): Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it http://tfl.nu/r7l5
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  (718): View more from New York

  bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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  (718): bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch (917): I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/gosl
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  (917): View more from New York City

  pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

  (347): View more from New York

  I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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  (917): pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock (347): I THOUGHT I SAW YOU http://tfl.nu/jrv0
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  (315): View more from New York

  His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.

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  (315): His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians. http://tfl.nu/73dw
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.

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  (480): Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath. http://tfl.nu/qi8i
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  (315): View more from New York

  he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...

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  (315): he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear... http://tfl.nu/9by5
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  (315): View more from New York

  i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?

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  (315): i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now? http://tfl.nu/2nou
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  (315): View more from New York

  My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.

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  (315): My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best. http://tfl.nu/ofn0
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.

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  (573): I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator. http://tfl.nu/5d16
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.

  (1-651): View more from Minnesota

  I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.

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  (651): make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS. (1-651): I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much. http://tfl.nu/xzl0
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss

  (757): View more from Virginia

  So when are we having a sleepover?

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  (804): So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss (757): So when are we having a sleepover? http://tfl.nu/90ed
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.

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  (413): Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed. http://tfl.nu/2338
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.

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  (978): You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy. http://tfl.nu/bldo
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.

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  (407): Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store. http://tfl.nu/m9df
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