if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
