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Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I stole a fireplace last night.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to kee
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