Texts From Last Night · Sinvisigoth's Favorites

Sinvisigoth's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

Favorite
(806): View more from Texas

Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(806): Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party. http://tfl.nu/ld7o

Replies (4) Good night (1788) Bad night (345)
Favorite
(207): View more from Maine

We are hot boxing the gondola

(607): View more from New York

I hate everything.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(207): We are hot boxing the gondola (607): I hate everything. http://tfl.nu/4t9d

Replies (9) Good night (1158) Bad night (348)
Favorite
(615): View more from Tennessee

You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(615): You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it. http://tfl.nu/hvow

Replies (4) Good night (1424) Bad night (290) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(314): View more from Missouri

I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(314): I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge. http://tfl.nu/tow2

Replies (4) Good night (1278) Bad night (274) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(508): View more from Massachusetts

nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(508): nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior http://tfl.nu/s256

Replies (6) Good night (1968) Bad night (585) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(318): View more from Louisiana

So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(318): So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt? http://tfl.nu/a1yi

Replies (6) Good night (1084) Bad night (495) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(847): View more from Illinois

The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(847): The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome. http://tfl.nu/h8r4

Replies (13) Good night (4437) Bad night (439) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(270): View more from Kentucky

I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(270): I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk. http://tfl.nu/wgbm

Replies (9) Good night (1474) Bad night (356) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(281): View more from Texas

Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(281): Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning http://tfl.nu/3d0d

Replies (10) Good night (824) Bad night (565) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house

(713): View more from Texas

So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(832): The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house (713): So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh? http://tfl.nu/xori

Replies (15) Good night (3438) Bad night (433)
Favorite
(613): View more from Ontario

New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(613): New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple. http://tfl.nu/c07n

Replies (11) Good night (1825) Bad night (474) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(770): View more from Georgia

you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.

(678): View more from Georgia

THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(770): you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why. (678): THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. http://tfl.nu/cex4

Replies (18) Good night (2583) Bad night (362)
Favorite
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(215): Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch? http://tfl.nu/5ls9

Replies (5) Good night (864) Bad night (441) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(513): View more from Ohio

Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?

(505): View more from New Mexico

yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(513): Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"? (505): yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win. http://tfl.nu/lwrt

Replies (3) Good night (1623) Bad night (383)
Favorite
(928): View more from Arizona

I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(928): I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone. http://tfl.nu/zx3z

Replies (7) Good night (1271) Bad night (401) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(315): View more from New York

Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(315): Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years http://tfl.nu/qjp6

Replies (12) Good night (2620) Bad night (461) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(401): I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again http://tfl.nu/o3kd

Replies (14) Good night (1801) Bad night (431) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(770): View more from Georgia

You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(770): You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month. http://tfl.nu/j1wm

Replies (3) Good night (1214) Bad night (410) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(919): View more from North Carolina

It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(919): It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed. http://tfl.nu/521h

Replies (9) Good night (2801) Bad night (892) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(217): View more from Illinois

Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(217): Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times. http://tfl.nu/ij34

Replies (4) Good night (2110) Bad night (378) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(804): View more from Virginia

I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(804): I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone http://tfl.nu/9ph0

Replies (11) Good night (2529) Bad night (309) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(425): View more from Washington

UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(425): UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD http://tfl.nu/7k7x

Replies (9) Good night (2148) Bad night (351) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(405): View more from Oklahoma

No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(405): No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm. http://tfl.nu/8gfx

Replies (4) Good night (1747) Bad night (390) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(339): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(339): Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys. http://tfl.nu/p4yk

Replies (20) Good night (5515) Bad night (371)
Favorite
(503): View more from Oregon

I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(503): I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight. http://tfl.nu/rrui

Replies (8) Good night (2368) Bad night (462)
Favorite
(202): View more from Washington, DC

There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(202): There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again. http://tfl.nu/5erg

Replies (18) Good night (2306) Bad night (340) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(949): View more from California

Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(949): Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you. http://tfl.nu/q3ie

Replies (28) Good night (4591) Bad night (535)
Favorite
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(902): Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years. (1-902): Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies http://tfl.nu/48gx

Replies (11) Good night (3700) Bad night (429) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(918): It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin. http://tfl.nu/s6ok

Replies (25) Good night (2910) Bad night (404)
Favorite
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(781): Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe (617): Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything http://tfl.nu/wlv3

Replies (12) Good night (1723) Bad night (380)
Favorite
(513): View more from Ohio

chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.

(513): View more from Ohio

Who are you high with right now?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(513): chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it. (513): Who are you high with right now? http://tfl.nu/0n4i

Replies (10) Good night (1771) Bad night (385)
Favorite
(203): View more from Connecticut

Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(203): Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever. http://tfl.nu/gq2j

Replies (27) Good night (2341) Bad night (424)
Favorite
(224): View more from Illinois

I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(224): I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania http://tfl.nu/5wck

Replies (14) Good night (2138) Bad night (398) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(678): View more from Georgia

Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(678): Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?! http://tfl.nu/sa9o

Replies (10) Good night (1805) Bad night (371) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(701): View more from North Dakota

I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(701): I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this. http://tfl.nu/2wr9

Replies (1) Good night (1217) Bad night (397) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(+61): View more from Australia

we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(+61): we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together. http://tfl.nu/r78i

Replies (6) Good night (3165) Bad night (389)
Favorite
(651): View more from Minnesota

Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(651): Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize. http://tfl.nu/ao6w

Replies (5) Good night (1716) Bad night (361)
Favorite
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(+44): You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4. http://tfl.nu/tyhh

Replies (2) Good night (1630) Bad night (421) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(416): View more from Toronto

I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home

(647): View more from Ontario

Was he satisfied?

(416): View more from Toronto

No, and very vocal about it.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(416): I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home (647): Was he satisfied? (416): No, and very vocal about it. http://tfl.nu/h3jb

Replies (8) Good night (2178) Bad night (521)
Favorite
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(+44): drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets http://tfl.nu/vhzs

Replies (4) Good night (1969) Bad night (357)
Favorite
(203): View more from Connecticut

If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.

(518): View more from New York

So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(203): If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi. (518): So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits? http://tfl.nu/jsif

Replies (36) Good night (4500) Bad night (643)
Favorite
(703): View more from Virginia

The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(703): The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party. http://tfl.nu/q2r5

Replies (4) Good night (3406) Bad night (354) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(970): View more from Colorado

Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(970): Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study. http://tfl.nu/bvl6

Replies (9) Good night (3283) Bad night (495) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(682): I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face http://tfl.nu/zwwu

Replies (16) Good night (4843) Bad night (600) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(847): View more from Illinois

I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(847): I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed. http://tfl.nu/z7fq

Replies (2) Good night (1154) Bad night (425) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(+64): View more from New Zealand

was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(+64): was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ?? http://tfl.nu/6vfo

Replies (9) Good night (2975) Bad night (461) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(814): you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door. http://tfl.nu/6ofj

Replies (19) Good night (5726) Bad night (538)
Favorite
(513): View more from Ohio

he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(513): he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you" http://tfl.nu/exld

Replies (20) Good night (2152) Bad night (722) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(610): It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes. http://tfl.nu/cpyt

Replies (8) Good night (2000) Bad night (403) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(610): He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine... http://tfl.nu/5jaq

Replies (3) Good night (1050) Bad night (820) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(720): View more from Colorado

I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(720): I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk http://tfl.nu/2ycv

Replies (12) Good night (3431) Bad night (781) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(651): View more from Minnesota

No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(651): No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep. http://tfl.nu/9hze

Replies (8) Good night (2005) Bad night (397)
Favorite
(313): View more from Michigan

Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(313): Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs. http://tfl.nu/t847

Replies (8) Good night (2069) Bad night (305) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(949): View more from California

You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(949): You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this" http://tfl.nu/ckz0

Replies (6) Good night (970) Bad night (1602)
Favorite
(225): View more from Louisiana

Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(225): Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM... http://tfl.nu/su1z

Replies (5) Good night (1824) Bad night (474) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(969): View more from

I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(969): I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight. http://tfl.nu/btdd

Replies (5) Good night (1739) Bad night (716)
Favorite
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(484): We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us. http://tfl.nu/883t

Replies (4) Good night (1505) Bad night (312) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(715): I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa. http://tfl.nu/2ols

Replies (2) Good night (1285) Bad night (408) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(604): View more from British Columbia

I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(604): I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune. http://tfl.nu/081q

Replies (5) Good night (913) Bad night (310)
Favorite
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(724): I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed. (412): I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am http://tfl.nu/5n3j

Replies (9) Good night (2617) Bad night (538)
Favorite
(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(303): Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously. http://tfl.nu/0rsy

Replies (4) Good night (872) Bad night (1186) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(847): View more from Illinois

no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(847): no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them. http://tfl.nu/1ayu

Replies (1) Good night (1221) Bad night (406)
Favorite
(317): View more from Indiana

Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(317): Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day. http://tfl.nu/olid

Replies (23) Good night (4317) Bad night (481) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(609): View more from New Jersey

Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(609): Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams. http://tfl.nu/g3rk

Replies (2) Good night (767) Bad night (351) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(519): View more from Ontario

He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(519): He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire. http://tfl.nu/chwr

Replies (11) Good night (562) Bad night (882)
Favorite
(828): View more from North Carolina

I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(828): I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea. http://tfl.nu/w8gt

Replies (5) Good night (1373) Bad night (509) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(308): View more from Nebraska

Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(308): Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick. http://tfl.nu/8mtk

Replies (12) Good night (2895) Bad night (401) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(717): They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes http://tfl.nu/nt6q

Replies (4) Good night (1343) Bad night (322) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(207): View more from Maine

Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(207): Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer. http://tfl.nu/w95z

Replies (3) Good night (2453) Bad night (1018)
Favorite
(615): View more from Tennessee

id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(615): id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour. http://tfl.nu/zhs1

Replies (4) Good night (2192) Bad night (363) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(509): View more from Washington

Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(509): Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters http://tfl.nu/r1et

Replies (20) Good night (3727) Bad night (954) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(413): Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun. http://tfl.nu/n06t

Replies (8) Good night (2418) Bad night (436) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(914): View more from New York

He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(914): He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit? http://tfl.nu/zvq6

Replies (9) Good night (2277) Bad night (352) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(847): I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE (1-847): This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to. http://tfl.nu/xeyh

Replies (15) Good night (3919) Bad night (518) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(402): View more from Nebraska

I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"

(308): View more from Nebraska

Stop drinking at work.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(402): I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit" (308): Stop drinking at work. http://tfl.nu/v2m5

Replies (8) Good night (3082) Bad night (511)
Favorite
(301): View more from Maryland

Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(301): Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again. http://tfl.nu/u94k

Replies (4) Good night (1640) Bad night (952) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(902): I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush. http://tfl.nu/kzf1

Replies (5) Good night (1972) Bad night (430) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(713): View more from Texas

OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(713): OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'? http://tfl.nu/3dip

Replies (16) Good night (3691) Bad night (634) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(727): View more from Florida

just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(727): just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday http://tfl.nu/w3i7

Replies (8) Good night (1930) Bad night (982) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(831): View more from California

I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(831): I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET. http://tfl.nu/2kw0

Replies (12) Good night (2173) Bad night (529) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(847): View more from Illinois

Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(847): Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight http://tfl.nu/9jn8

Replies (2) Good night (1695) Bad night (386)
Favorite
(201): View more from New Jersey

He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(201): He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn. http://tfl.nu/ws8z

Replies (8) Good night (2371) Bad night (690) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(902): it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be? http://tfl.nu/eobh

Replies (12) Good night (2972) Bad night (414) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(732): View more from New Jersey

Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

(732): View more from New Jersey

Career choice validated

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(732): Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!" (732): Career choice validated http://tfl.nu/g765

Replies (51) Good night (8741) Bad night (658)
Favorite
(850): View more from Florida

hungover and i feel like a burrito

(1-850): View more from Florida

like eating one or like you are one?

(850): View more from Florida

like i am one.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(850): hungover and i feel like a burrito (1-850): like eating one or like you are one? (850): like i am one. http://tfl.nu/h242

Replies (10) Good night (1991) Bad night (416)
Favorite
(651): View more from Minnesota

You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

yeah you don't forget that shit easily

(651): View more from Minnesota

We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(651): You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"? (1-651): yeah you don't forget that shit easily (651): We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email. http://tfl.nu/xfpa

Replies (11) Good night (4317) Bad night (387)
Favorite
(410): View more from Maryland

that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(410): that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night http://tfl.nu/xnkt

Replies (4) Good night (1167) Bad night (596) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(601): View more from Mississippi

I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(601): I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak. http://tfl.nu/j26q

Replies (18) Good night (457) Bad night (2993) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(651): View more from Minnesota

Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(651): Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals http://tfl.nu/rxm6

Replies (15) Good night (3653) Bad night (964) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(705): Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/v5hf

Replies (39) Good night (7543) Bad night (755) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(+44): There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it. http://tfl.nu/t5pt

Replies (7) Good night (2829) Bad night (486) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(386): View more from Florida

I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(386): I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green. http://tfl.nu/e68o

Replies (13) Good night (3773) Bad night (519) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(414): View more from Wisconsin

We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply

(1-414): View more from Wisconsin

I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(414): We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply (1-414): I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday http://tfl.nu/j6sm

Replies (10) Good night (4674) Bad night (427) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(732): View more from New Jersey

You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(732): You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire. http://tfl.nu/i4tp

Replies (7) Good night (1318) Bad night (464) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(940): View more from Texas

My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!

(940): View more from Texas

HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(940): My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!! (940): HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT. http://tfl.nu/347l

Replies (8) Good night (1752) Bad night (535)
Favorite
(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(860): This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground. (802): So basically you were a dog. http://tfl.nu/0n1s

Replies (13) Good night (7487) Bad night (504)
Favorite
(785): View more from Kansas

They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(785): They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon. http://tfl.nu/wb9r

Replies (6) Good night (2016) Bad night (377) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(419): View more from Ohio

having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(419): having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance... http://tfl.nu/f7dv

Replies (7) Good night (2358) Bad night (532) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(617): What time did you start drinking? (978): Maybe. (617): Maybe isn't a time... http://tfl.nu/r4p5

Replies (14) Good night (5428) Bad night (406)
Favorite
(704): View more from North Carolina

Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(704): Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night? http://tfl.nu/zhm8

Replies (6) Good night (616) Bad night (1701) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(810): View more from Michigan

You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(810): You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored. http://tfl.nu/wqg4

Replies (10) Good night (2555) Bad night (449) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(419): View more from Ohio

You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(419): You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?" http://tfl.nu/acel

Replies (7) Good night (2374) Bad night (395) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(615): View more from Tennessee

we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(615): we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress. http://tfl.nu/a7a3

Replies (0) Good night (1554) Bad night (532)
Favorite
(949): View more from California

Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(949): Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday? http://tfl.nu/2an5

Replies (7) Good night (1028) Bad night (493) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(774): I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit. http://tfl.nu/t89l

Replies (9) Good night (3596) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(859): View more from Kentucky

in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(859): in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick" http://tfl.nu/v34k

Replies (18) Good night (4309) Bad night (669) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(803): I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it. http://tfl.nu/1xwb

Replies (12) Good night (3959) Bad night (441)
Favorite
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(403): Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally http://tfl.nu/hf6w

Replies (1) Good night (1356) Bad night (397) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(250): View more from British Columbia

Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(250): Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza. http://tfl.nu/3z2i

Replies (9) Good night (1690) Bad night (514) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(604): View more from British Columbia

As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(604): As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck. http://tfl.nu/89l5

Replies (14) Good night (2230) Bad night (485) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(250): View more from British Columbia

I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(250): I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki http://tfl.nu/rhok

Replies (12) Good night (2569) Bad night (782) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(412): My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long http://tfl.nu/fuyb

Replies (1) Good night (630) Bad night (1234) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(575): View more from New Mexico

You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(575): You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup. http://tfl.nu/dggj

Replies (4) Good night (3689) Bad night (418) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(914): View more from New York

He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(914): He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away. http://tfl.nu/k6q1

Replies (13) Good night (5706) Bad night (386)
Favorite
(587): View more from Alberta

My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(587): My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween http://tfl.nu/z2rb

Replies (15) Good night (2486) Bad night (433) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(319): View more from Iowa

THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(319): THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ http://tfl.nu/h11a

Replies (15) Good night (2466) Bad night (467) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(203): View more from Connecticut

She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(203): She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE. http://tfl.nu/wm9f

Replies (25) Good night (3242) Bad night (454) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(410): View more from Maryland

halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(410): halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt http://tfl.nu/2dpk

Replies (7) Good night (2528) Bad night (391) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(832): Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories. http://tfl.nu/6x0g

Replies (1) Good night (1817) Bad night (366)
Favorite
(630): View more from Illinois

IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(630): IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH http://tfl.nu/xsxl

Replies (3) Good night (1358) Bad night (387) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(473): View more from Grenada-Carib

Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(473): Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year. http://tfl.nu/y5js

Replies (11) Good night (2083) Bad night (710) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(614): View more from Ohio

You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(614): You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you. http://tfl.nu/0odh

Replies (8) Good night (1803) Bad night (437) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(810): View more from Michigan

my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(810): my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities. http://tfl.nu/947a

Replies (12) Good night (2134) Bad night (410) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(240): View more from Maryland

and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(240): and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore. http://tfl.nu/oorw

Replies (3) Good night (3753) Bad night (437)
Favorite
(256): View more from Alabama

I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.

(747): View more from California

Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(256): I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks. (747): Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either. http://tfl.nu/6mbq

Replies (22) Good night (3591) Bad night (436)
Favorite
(310): View more from California

Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(310): Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children? http://tfl.nu/23ha

Replies (11) Good night (2592) Bad night (684) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(618): View more from Illinois

We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(618): We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket http://tfl.nu/a9al

Replies (4) Good night (1659) Bad night (403) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(305): View more from Florida

Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(305): Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement. http://tfl.nu/gpxv

Replies (12) Good night (3278) Bad night (572) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(530): View more from California

On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(530): On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite. http://tfl.nu/tnfr

Replies (8) Good night (3603) Bad night (361) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(425): View more from Washington

ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(425): ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture. http://tfl.nu/ky0p

Replies (4) Good night (1882) Bad night (393)
Favorite
(502): View more from Kentucky

I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(502): I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever. http://tfl.nu/bzzy

Replies (6) Good night (3520) Bad night (398) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(916): View more from California

Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(916): Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless. http://tfl.nu/cdoe

Replies (9) Good night (2699) Bad night (624) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(570): not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won http://tfl.nu/hlfr

Replies (2) Good night (1534) Bad night (447)
Favorite
(603): View more from New Hampshire

My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(603): My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage" http://tfl.nu/888s

Replies (2) Good night (1535) Bad night (377)
Favorite
(573): View more from Missouri

I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(573): I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were... http://tfl.nu/299s

Replies (8) Good night (2808) Bad night (411)
Favorite
(508): View more from Massachusetts

This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(508): This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies." (401): I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are. http://tfl.nu/26v4

Replies (17) Good night (4490) Bad night (467)
Favorite
(720): View more from Colorado

I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

You sound pretty unsure about all of this.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(720): I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses. (1-720): You sound pretty unsure about all of this. http://tfl.nu/jh6b

Replies (5) Good night (2004) Bad night (386)
Favorite
(219): View more from Indiana

How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(219): How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year? http://tfl.nu/u8i3

Replies (10) Good night (2184) Bad night (329) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(701): View more from North Dakota

He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(701): He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success. http://tfl.nu/xbmk

Replies (12) Good night (4123) Bad night (336)
Favorite
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(508): I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right. http://tfl.nu/agio

Replies (4) Good night (1208) Bad night (438) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(941): View more from Florida

Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(941): Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains http://tfl.nu/tyep

Replies (11) Good night (2191) Bad night (761) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(508): So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test. http://tfl.nu/gxsj

Replies (30) Good night (7583) Bad night (394) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(817): View more from Texas

If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(817): If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer http://tfl.nu/rqqd

Replies (24) Good night (2443) Bad night (576) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(920): Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina http://tfl.nu/ae28

Replies (10) Good night (2538) Bad night (397) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(540): View more from Virginia

She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(540): She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her http://tfl.nu/huvk

Replies (3) Good night (1542) Bad night (555) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(314): View more from Missouri

I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(314): I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again. http://tfl.nu/qrkv

Replies (4) Good night (1134) Bad night (1025)
Favorite
(410): View more from Maryland

So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.

(443): View more from Maryland

YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(410): So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed. (443): YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT? http://tfl.nu/cgqa

Replies (13) Good night (3822) Bad night (368)
Favorite
(541): View more from Oregon

im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(541): im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more http://tfl.nu/azy4

Replies (9) Good night (2786) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(801): View more from Utah

I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(801): I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped. http://tfl.nu/dgi2

Replies (10) Good night (1364) Bad night (434) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(203): View more from Connecticut

You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Did it finish?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(203): You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified. (508): Did it finish? http://tfl.nu/ahm8

Replies (4) Good night (2578) Bad night (533)
Favorite
(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(867): Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win? http://tfl.nu/oq5t

Replies (16) Good night (1249) Bad night (336) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(336): View more from North Carolina

Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(336): Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to http://tfl.nu/huat

Replies (4) Good night (1250) Bad night (324) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(320): View more from Minnesota

What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(320): What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off. http://tfl.nu/fj7u

Replies (12) Good night (2358) Bad night (541) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(774): I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed http://tfl.nu/b36x

Replies (11) Good night (2528) Bad night (409) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(831): View more from California

sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(831): sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college. http://tfl.nu/u990

Replies (3) Good night (1564) Bad night (360) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(270): View more from Kentucky

Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(270): Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil. http://tfl.nu/p6d2

Replies (14) Good night (1918) Bad night (367) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(248): View more from Michigan

He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(248): He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased. http://tfl.nu/h9lw

Replies (8) Good night (1639) Bad night (490) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(541): View more from Oregon

And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(541): And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch http://tfl.nu/6s8v

Replies (12) Good night (2579) Bad night (434) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(608): View more from Wisconsin

We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(608): We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth. http://tfl.nu/k58a

Replies (29) Good night (1880) Bad night (553)
Favorite
(608): View more from Wisconsin

they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(608): they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball. http://tfl.nu/n9al

Replies (4) Good night (1072) Bad night (939) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(403): we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background http://tfl.nu/seul

Replies (10) Good night (1944) Bad night (419) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(813): View more from Florida

I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(813): I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity. http://tfl.nu/otkw

Replies (5) Good night (1052) Bad night (510) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(225): View more from Louisiana

my head hurts. i need an adult

(225): View more from Louisiana

and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(225): my head hurts. i need an adult (225): and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult http://tfl.nu/wl1h

Replies (4) Good night (1647) Bad night (395)
Favorite
(425): View more from Washington

I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(425): I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing. http://tfl.nu/l5kn

Replies (9) Good night (648) Bad night (2164)
Favorite
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(405): I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke? http://tfl.nu/as8o

Replies (14) Good night (1930) Bad night (381) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(845): View more from New York

Just got motor boated by a horse in the street

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(845): Just got motor boated by a horse in the street http://tfl.nu/nm8s

Replies (9) Good night (1412) Bad night (635) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(561): View more from Florida

u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(561): u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring http://tfl.nu/ljb6

Replies (10) Good night (2495) Bad night (528) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(780): Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses http://tfl.nu/pn1w

Replies (24) Good night (1791) Bad night (429) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(410): View more from Maryland

SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't text me with that hand

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(410): SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR (610): Don't text me with that hand http://tfl.nu/c1bj

Replies (16) Good night (3076) Bad night (403)
Favorite
(314): View more from Missouri

Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(314): Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly. http://tfl.nu/f0vi

Replies (10) Good night (2121) Bad night (593) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(817): View more from Texas

Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...

(1-817): View more from Texas

This hangover makes more sense now

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(817): Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"... (1-817): This hangover makes more sense now http://tfl.nu/3zvy

Replies (11) Good night (2161) Bad night (289)
Favorite
(805): View more from California

She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(805): She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds. http://tfl.nu/ggeo

Replies (4) Good night (1334) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(989): View more from Michigan

TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(989): TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND http://tfl.nu/73d2

Replies (11) Good night (1920) Bad night (420) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(502): View more from Kentucky

I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(502): I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high. http://tfl.nu/gsqh

Replies (8) Good night (1664) Bad night (427) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(307): View more from Wyoming

Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(307): Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids. http://tfl.nu/60tn

Replies (15) Good night (2803) Bad night (364) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(417): View more from Missouri

So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.

(1-471): View more from

That's all you talk about when you are wasted.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(417): So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history. (1-471): That's all you talk about when you are wasted. http://tfl.nu/3q4b

Replies (13) Good night (2221) Bad night (673) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(815): View more from Illinois

you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(815): you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night. http://tfl.nu/m1vr

Replies (6) Good night (3083) Bad night (746) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(917): I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus. http://tfl.nu/e2af

Replies (9) Good night (3781) Bad night (595) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(703): View more from Virginia

THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(703): THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT http://tfl.nu/gmdd

Replies (6) Good night (2521) Bad night (478) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(828): View more from North Carolina

i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(828): i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed http://tfl.nu/hltv

Replies (2) Good night (1105) Bad night (1915) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(610): I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed. http://tfl.nu/xw1f

Replies (6) Good night (2649) Bad night (571)
Favorite
(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(828): Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me. http://tfl.nu/wdvy

Replies (15) Good night (7469) Bad night (637) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(530): View more from California

Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(530): Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying. http://tfl.nu/488f

Replies (12) Good night (1262) Bad night (2260) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(252): View more from North Carolina

Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(252): Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd http://tfl.nu/1g97

Replies (8) Good night (1113) Bad night (2075) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(443): View more from Maryland

also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(443): also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs http://tfl.nu/bzfk

Replies (3) Good night (2042) Bad night (639) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(215): There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave... http://tfl.nu/jtzo

Replies (8) Good night (2494) Bad night (2104) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(+44): We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this. http://tfl.nu/pfxy

Replies (6) Good night (4040) Bad night (688)
Favorite
(753): View more from

He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(753): He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means. http://tfl.nu/ooa4

Replies (4) Good night (1557) Bad night (594) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(760): View more from California

If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(760): If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone http://tfl.nu/69r6

Replies (20) Good night (7588) Bad night (696) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(248): View more from Michigan

There r osticjed everywhere

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(248): There r osticjed everywhere http://tfl.nu/gpnb

Replies (12) Good night (1554) Bad night (841) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(443): View more from Maryland

and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(443): and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp http://tfl.nu/f0ut

Replies (32) Good night (1565) Bad night (4069) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(406): View more from Montana

He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(406): He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage http://tfl.nu/22pw

Replies (8) Good night (3349) Bad night (595) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(517): View more from Michigan

I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(517): I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed. http://tfl.nu/94v6

Replies (10) Good night (5314) Bad night (644) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(913): View more from Kansas

So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(913): So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof. http://tfl.nu/7fh1

Replies (7) Good night (2472) Bad night (580) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(862): View more from New Jersey

That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(862): That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light http://tfl.nu/4kbw

Replies (6) Good night (615) Bad night (2385)
Favorite
(952): View more from Minnesota

pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(952): pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient. http://tfl.nu/mkyj

Replies (2) Good night (2957) Bad night (1054) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(443): View more from Maryland

I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(443): I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face. http://tfl.nu/jlmy

Replies (6) Good night (3435) Bad night (672) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(720): View more from Colorado

He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(720): He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples." http://tfl.nu/rub1

Replies (8) Good night (4236) Bad night (578) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(802): View more from Vermont

she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(802): she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings. http://tfl.nu/exva

Replies (14) Good night (3150) Bad night (590) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(519): View more from Ontario

Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(519): Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum. http://tfl.nu/qm4t

Replies (8) Good night (1969) Bad night (855) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(406): View more from Montana

i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(406): i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes. http://tfl.nu/lrt6

Replies (5) Good night (3438) Bad night (447) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(734): View more from Michigan

we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas

(810): View more from Michigan

I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(734): we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas (810): I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick" http://tfl.nu/jn94

Replies (9) Good night (3455) Bad night (1199)
Favorite
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(412): i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once. http://tfl.nu/brbs

Replies (21) Good night (2905) Bad night (753) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(828): View more from North Carolina

you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(828): you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life. http://tfl.nu/zm5g

Replies (12) Good night (7244) Bad night (577) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(321): I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter. http://tfl.nu/jrqc

Replies (6) Good night (5092) Bad night (670) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(302): View more from Delaware

He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(302): He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice". http://tfl.nu/55zb

Replies (22) Good night (4603) Bad night (1179) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(803): View more from South Carolina

A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(803): A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco. http://tfl.nu/eqmh

Replies (11) Good night (4301) Bad night (1398) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(517): we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/tadi

Replies (11) Good night (8319) Bad night (1607) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(781): I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on. http://tfl.nu/begu

Replies (6) Good night (3600) Bad night (768) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(406): View more from Montana

Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(406): Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night http://tfl.nu/9n0e

Replies (8) Good night (4964) Bad night (820) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(406): View more from Montana

I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(406): I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense http://tfl.nu/qajt

Replies (48) Good night (5177) Bad night (1142) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(513): View more from Ohio

apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(513): apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday http://tfl.nu/t1la

Replies (4) Good night (2906) Bad night (666) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(614): View more from Ohio

i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(614): i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better. http://tfl.nu/octl

Replies (6) Good night (4627) Bad night (565) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(775): View more from Nevada

Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(775): Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now. http://tfl.nu/j6eo

Replies (11) Good night (3757) Bad night (536) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(973): View more from New Jersey

Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(973): Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping http://tfl.nu/1og8

Replies (21) Good night (4590) Bad night (1461) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(651): View more from Minnesota

That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(651): That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish. http://tfl.nu/pnvl

Replies (3) Good night (3484) Bad night (637) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(765): View more from Indiana

We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(765): We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose http://tfl.nu/vyfk

Replies (5) Good night (2534) Bad night (803) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(906): View more from Michigan

I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(906): I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap. http://tfl.nu/cxzw

Replies (5) Good night (1620) Bad night (2524) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(612): View more from Minnesota

Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(612): Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now. http://tfl.nu/5ad5

Replies (14) Good night (3516) Bad night (686) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(661): View more from California

Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(661): Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me. http://tfl.nu/1wv6

Replies (17) Good night (6089) Bad night (754) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(619): View more from California

surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(619): surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk. http://tfl.nu/u5eo

Replies (4) Good night (956) Bad night (3084) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(905): View more from Ontario

i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(905): i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself http://tfl.nu/s870

Replies (6) Good night (3259) Bad night (791) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(505): View more from New Mexico

the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(505): the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears http://tfl.nu/h30c

Replies (21) Good night (6933) Bad night (611) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(919): View more from North Carolina

I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(919): I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka http://tfl.nu/i4zm

Replies (6) Good night (7564) Bad night (850) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(704): I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying. http://tfl.nu/un4v

Replies (24) Good night (992) Bad night (9250)
Favorite
(443): View more from Maryland

the ceiling is raining jello shotss

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(443): the ceiling is raining jello shotss http://tfl.nu/ruds

Replies (4) Good night (3582) Bad night (770) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(203): Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room. http://tfl.nu/4omc

Replies (9) Good night (2593) Bad night (919) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(250): View more from British Columbia

Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(250): Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole" http://tfl.nu/hdok

Replies (11) Good night (1006) Bad night (2391)
Favorite
(641): View more from Iowa

We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(641): We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard. http://tfl.nu/xmhj

Replies (12) Good night (3990) Bad night (741) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(720): View more from Colorado

Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(720): Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it. http://tfl.nu/chvq

Replies (7) Good night (5777) Bad night (573) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(416): View more from Toronto

you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(416): you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall. http://tfl.nu/i92r

Replies (11) Good night (4148) Bad night (628) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(412): a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine http://tfl.nu/k37h

Replies (12) Good night (3300) Bad night (675) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(240): We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course. http://tfl.nu/y9iu

Replies (54) Good night (15092) Bad night (956)
Favorite
(810): View more from Michigan

Found a pint glass in my snow pants.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(810): Found a pint glass in my snow pants. http://tfl.nu/1iqt

Replies (7) Good night (2834) Bad night (523) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(815): View more from Illinois

I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(815): I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis. http://tfl.nu/m4yy

Replies (6) Good night (733) Bad night (2655) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(201): View more from New Jersey

Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(201): Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants. http://tfl.nu/zw7z

Replies (14) Good night (2872) Bad night (1083) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(910): View more from North Carolina

I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(910): I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling. http://tfl.nu/sj19

Replies (6) Good night (2490) Bad night (564) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(781): View more from Massachusetts

my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop

(213): View more from California

so that means christmas in space?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(781): my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop (213): so that means christmas in space? (781): imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi http://tfl.nu/5ssx

Replies (14) Good night (6574) Bad night (912)
Favorite
(703): View more from Virginia

drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(703): drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip http://tfl.nu/b5at

Replies (12) Good night (2731) Bad night (845) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(412): He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick http://tfl.nu/s4cq

Replies (17) Good night (8926) Bad night (1200) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(209): View more from California

Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(209): Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas http://tfl.nu/u2nh

Replies (11) Good night (2894) Bad night (537) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(954): View more from Florida

I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(954): I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!" http://tfl.nu/pxgz

Replies (9) Good night (2484) Bad night (952) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(203): View more from Connecticut

she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(203): she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever. http://tfl.nu/jt2o

Replies (8) Good night (6374) Bad night (517) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(716): View more from New York

So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(716): So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat. http://tfl.nu/aisk

Replies (5) Good night (2903) Bad night (690) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(970): View more from Colorado

At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(970): At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name http://tfl.nu/d4zs

Replies (12) Good night (3587) Bad night (848) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(419): View more from Ohio

You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(419): You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster http://tfl.nu/810i

Replies (9) Good night (2428) Bad night (835) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(780): I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen. http://tfl.nu/raiw

Replies (9) Good night (2064) Bad night (1048) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(404): View more from Georgia

It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(404): It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated. http://tfl.nu/7ila

Replies (6) Good night (2728) Bad night (459) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(781): View more from Massachusetts

on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(781): on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks? http://tfl.nu/o217

Replies (5) Good night (3028) Bad night (565) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(604): View more from British Columbia

I don`t remember Saturday, actually

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Its ok, i dont remember 2007

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(604): I don`t remember Saturday, actually (1-604): Its ok, i dont remember 2007 http://tfl.nu/egxh

Replies (16) Good night (7322) Bad night (657) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(+44): Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate. http://tfl.nu/oa41

Replies (22) Good night (829) Bad night (4109) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(818): View more from California

At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(818): At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis. http://tfl.nu/iwbw

Replies (5) Good night (3871) Bad night (1245) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(937): View more from Ohio

Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(937): Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me. http://tfl.nu/l4zf

Replies (4) Good night (4913) Bad night (620) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(330): View more from Ohio

I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(330): I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it. http://tfl.nu/zgfe

Replies (18) Good night (3894) Bad night (934) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(858): View more from California

I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(858): I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project. http://tfl.nu/6v94

Replies (10) Good night (2888) Bad night (1084) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(609): View more from New Jersey

You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(609): You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke. http://tfl.nu/1rx3

Replies (8) Good night (6565) Bad night (904) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(812): View more from Indiana

Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(812): Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well http://tfl.nu/2njp

Replies (9) Good night (3383) Bad night (835) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(402): View more from Nebraska

Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(402): Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma http://tfl.nu/lc92

Replies (24) Good night (8728) Bad night (1131)
Favorite
(978): View more from Massachusetts

bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(978): bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/o1ww

Replies (11) Good night (5427) Bad night (613) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(954): View more from Florida

We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(954): We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver. http://tfl.nu/zvig

Replies (15) Good night (3793) Bad night (1008) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(864): no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job. http://tfl.nu/97jt

Replies (18) Good night (7534) Bad night (1456) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(724): I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo. http://tfl.nu/korz

Replies (12) Good night (7445) Bad night (665) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(519): View more from Ontario

I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(519): I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position" http://tfl.nu/0g0v

Replies (8) Good night (4102) Bad night (675) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(843): View more from South Carolina

Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(843): Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat. http://tfl.nu/tf28

Replies (7) Good night (1097) Bad night (3252) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(651): View more from Minnesota

She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(651): She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can. http://tfl.nu/7y77

Replies (9) Good night (2969) Bad night (733) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(850): View more from Florida

I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(850): I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain. http://tfl.nu/8aml

Replies (12) Good night (5361) Bad night (851) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(360): View more from Washington

Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(360): Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall. http://tfl.nu/7ndl

Replies (3) Good night (3229) Bad night (1088) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(218): View more from Minnesota

I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(218): I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face http://tfl.nu/wyrl

Replies (6) Good night (4758) Bad night (545) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(818): View more from California

i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...

(805): View more from California

i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(818): i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday... (805): i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it" http://tfl.nu/3fjc

Replies (22) Good night (6237) Bad night (1311)
Favorite
(252): View more from North Carolina

Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(252): Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me. http://tfl.nu/r53x

Replies (5) Good night (3380) Bad night (670) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(919): View more from North Carolina

Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(919): Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick. http://tfl.nu/djhd

Replies (23) Good night (6852) Bad night (632) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(740): View more from Ohio

How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?

(1-740): View more from Ohio

2.5

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(740): How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement? (1-740): 2.5 http://tfl.nu/yjjp

Replies (7) Good night (4113) Bad night (628) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(818): View more from California

They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(818): They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps... http://tfl.nu/7lmv

Replies (15) Good night (2188) Bad night (3974) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(507): View more from Minnesota

You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(507): You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!" http://tfl.nu/pues

Replies (7) Good night (3342) Bad night (607) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(+54): View more from

look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(+54): look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels. http://tfl.nu/ux1z

Replies (11) Good night (6832) Bad night (612) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(605): View more from South Dakota

there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(605): there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife. http://tfl.nu/kzgo

Replies (5) Good night (1288) Bad night (5528) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(954): View more from Florida

I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(954): I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today? http://tfl.nu/ptoy

Replies (39) Good night (5643) Bad night (782) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(949): View more from California

you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(949): you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application. http://tfl.nu/ha6k

Replies (7) Good night (3409) Bad night (686) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(443): We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status. http://tfl.nu/kzoi

Replies (42) Good night (14182) Bad night (868) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(250): View more from British Columbia

He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(250): He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock... http://tfl.nu/tura

Replies (15) Good night (5218) Bad night (967)
Favorite
(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(949): Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN. http://tfl.nu/2o4b

Replies (32) Good night (13656) Bad night (927) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(850): View more from Florida

Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(850): Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night. http://tfl.nu/mu48

Replies (10) Good night (4938) Bad night (625)
Favorite
(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(305): I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave. http://tfl.nu/m7xq

Replies (16) Good night (11133) Bad night (585)
Favorite
(865): View more from Tennessee

She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(865): She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit". http://tfl.nu/1ezf

Replies (23) Good night (7828) Bad night (604) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(250): View more from British Columbia

she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(250): she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza http://tfl.nu/2a0o

Replies (13) Good night (4519) Bad night (1837) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(309): I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors. http://tfl.nu/cath

Replies (10) Good night (10510) Bad night (619)
Favorite
(303): View more from Colorado

It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(303): It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet. http://tfl.nu/tf1g

Replies (14) Good night (799) Bad night (3590) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(850): View more from Florida

Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(850): Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing. http://tfl.nu/n4ke

Replies (18) Good night (3818) Bad night (1458) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

did u get his digits?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(570): did u get his digits? (201): yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone... http://tfl.nu/pvtx

Replies (8) Good night (4685) Bad night (666)
Favorite
(365): View more from

Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(365): Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine http://tfl.nu/mm7j

Replies (12) Good night (4332) Bad night (600) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(607): View more from New York

She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(607): She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle http://tfl.nu/wl70

Replies (9) Good night (3504) Bad night (765) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(563): View more from Iowa

If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(563): If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from? http://tfl.nu/xs7j

Replies (7) Good night (1155) Bad night (2500) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(401): View more from Rhode Island

This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(401): This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer. http://tfl.nu/lyuy

Replies (1) Good night (650) Bad night (2712) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(631): View more from New York

well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(631): well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore http://tfl.nu/6gwp

Replies (10) Good night (4122) Bad night (1002) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(864): I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you. http://tfl.nu/pv7t

Replies (11) Good night (6953) Bad night (701) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(913): View more from Kansas

i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(913): i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire. http://tfl.nu/gd8k

Replies (6) Good night (4959) Bad night (605) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(248): View more from Michigan

i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(248): i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid. http://tfl.nu/t711

Replies (33) Good night (8304) Bad night (732) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(701): View more from North Dakota

I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(701): I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot. http://tfl.nu/vxu1

Replies (9) Good night (4014) Bad night (656) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(630): View more from Illinois

I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(630): I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit. http://tfl.nu/afy7

Replies (14) Good night (6602) Bad night (931) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(775): View more from Nevada

I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(775): I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral... http://tfl.nu/9wf7

Replies (28) Good night (4852) Bad night (1180) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(647): all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes (905): You're fat. Stop making excuses http://tfl.nu/rdmk

Replies (69) Good night (12290) Bad night (4896)
Favorite
(908): View more from New Jersey

Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(908): Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger. http://tfl.nu/ni0e

Replies (17) Good night (7558) Bad night (1611) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(413): View more from Massachusetts

So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(413): So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge. http://tfl.nu/jdua

Replies (20) Good night (1870) Bad night (3520) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(512): The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"? http://tfl.nu/3j2r

Replies (31) Good night (16196) Bad night (974) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(904): View more from Florida

Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

(1-904): View more from Florida

six.

(904): View more from Florida

Oh, I thought it was higher.

(1-904): View more from Florida

No, that would be the Matt's

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(904): Another one? Damn, how many David's is that? (1-904): six. (904): Oh, I thought it was higher. (1-904): No, that would be the Matt's http://tfl.nu/8llg

Replies (33) Good night (6391) Bad night (1227)
Favorite
(206): View more from Washington

woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(206): woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night http://tfl.nu/9u90

Replies (13) Good night (5955) Bad night (688) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(617): Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero. http://tfl.nu/4xtx

Replies (33) Good night (1438) Bad night (4730) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(952): View more from Minnesota

Why are you covered in frosting?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(952): Why are you covered in frosting? (262): Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy. http://tfl.nu/9hct

Replies (24) Good night (6036) Bad night (667)
Favorite
(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(541): What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms? (503): 3some (541): You're right, stupid question. http://tfl.nu/lx7x

Replies (21) Good night (9755) Bad night (796)
Favorite
(617): View more from Massachusetts

She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(617): She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl. http://tfl.nu/oaik

Replies (47) Good night (8397) Bad night (927) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm

Replies (48) Good night (24103) Bad night (1021)
Favorite
(213): View more from California

I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(213): I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on. http://tfl.nu/rma0

Replies (21) Good night (5999) Bad night (1155) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(559): View more from California

Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(559): Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie. http://tfl.nu/febc

Replies (35) Good night (4571) Bad night (1574) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(608): Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her. http://tfl.nu/6qpw

Replies (25) Good night (1427) Bad night (5535) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(248): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

That's the best idea I've heard all day.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(248): Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls. (1-248): That's the best idea I've heard all day. http://tfl.nu/w1qi

Replies (30) Good night (8666) Bad night (2307)
Favorite
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(902): Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it. http://tfl.nu/c874

Replies (12) Good night (6644) Bad night (753) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(303): I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight http://tfl.nu/nfvu

Replies (48) Good night (12354) Bad night (1089) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(973): He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors http://tfl.nu/k8g7

Replies (8) Good night (5195) Bad night (1615) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(617): just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole http://tfl.nu/otvq

Replies (430) Good night (52066) Bad night (5860) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(519): View more from Ontario

I have a critically important question to ask.

(519): View more from Ontario

Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(519): I have a critically important question to ask. (519): Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist? http://tfl.nu/val5

Replies (43) Good night (4998) Bad night (1089)
Favorite
(631): View more from New York

Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(631): Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again... http://tfl.nu/fuha

Replies (13) Good night (7095) Bad night (751) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(801): Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks. http://tfl.nu/8eyu

Replies (45) Good night (18502) Bad night (1124) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(832): why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen? (713): lets deal with that after we figure out where i am http://tfl.nu/0phs

Replies (21) Good night (10337) Bad night (854)
Favorite
(904): View more from Florida

We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(904): We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple http://tfl.nu/4e1c

Replies (19) Good night (9529) Bad night (692) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(443): One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done. http://tfl.nu/o8ax

Replies (22) Good night (6947) Bad night (732) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(651): i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh http://tfl.nu/x346

Replies (29) Good night (9785) Bad night (760) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?

(917): View more from New York City

what kind of party is this?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the best kind ever

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(610): can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home? (917): what kind of party is this? (610): the best kind ever http://tfl.nu/ib1r

Replies (22) Good night (7547) Bad night (781)
Favorite
(203): View more from Connecticut

The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(203): The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately. http://tfl.nu/h16j

Replies (11) Good night (5353) Bad night (658) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(865): View more from Tennessee

Actions speak louder than pants.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(865): Actions speak louder than pants. http://tfl.nu/3ga3

Replies (12) Good night (4665) Bad night (695) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(318): View more from Louisiana

What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(318): What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway? http://tfl.nu/w9j3

Replies (19) Good night (5218) Bad night (868) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(905): View more from Ontario

He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(905): He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer http://tfl.nu/xvzr

Replies (9) Good night (4468) Bad night (976) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(917): View more from New York City

I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(917): I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing. http://tfl.nu/vu1b

Replies (13) Good night (6460) Bad night (615) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(330): View more from Ohio

The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Well it worked

(330): View more from Ohio

Not the point

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(330): The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind (1-330): Well it worked (330): Not the point http://tfl.nu/mxs7

Replies (21) Good night (5651) Bad night (672)
Favorite
(732): View more from New Jersey

My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(732): My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore http://tfl.nu/2pmj

Replies (38) Good night (4886) Bad night (1261) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(616): View more from Michigan

my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.

(1-616): View more from Michigan

does that include her cleaning your bowl?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(616): my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave. (1-616): does that include her cleaning your bowl? http://tfl.nu/8sts

Replies (10) Good night (5450) Bad night (855)
Favorite
(248): View more from Michigan

I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(248): I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory. http://tfl.nu/kmrf

Replies (4) Good night (3866) Bad night (943) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(513): View more from Ohio

My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(513): My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked. http://tfl.nu/x6u7

Replies (6) Good night (4306) Bad night (600) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(403): OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW http://tfl.nu/587x

Replies (14) Good night (4743) Bad night (808) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(617): View more from Massachusetts

There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(617): There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass http://tfl.nu/vj6i

Replies (17) Good night (3808) Bad night (1635) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(951): View more from California

My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(951): My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit. http://tfl.nu/s2aa

Replies (33) Good night (10076) Bad night (976) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(734): View more from Michigan

I wish I had a frozen water bed.

(253): View more from Washington

best. idea. ever.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(734): I wish I had a frozen water bed. (253): best. idea. ever. http://tfl.nu/r1w7

Replies (58) Good night (5440) Bad night (1746)
Favorite
(504): View more from Louisiana

My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(504): My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed. http://tfl.nu/4z6k

Replies (26) Good night (8064) Bad night (1013)
Favorite
(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(503): Hey man your outta milk (541): How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?! http://tfl.nu/1x3m

Replies (17) Good night (9703) Bad night (1094)
Favorite
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(+44): That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar http://tfl.nu/aq1i

Replies (11) Good night (4269) Bad night (1543) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(917): View more from New York City

I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(917): I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people" http://tfl.nu/5d9d

Replies (20) Good night (7186) Bad night (1413) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(425): View more from Washington

if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(425): if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you http://tfl.nu/ohu0

Replies (12) Good night (5039) Bad night (772) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(403): i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts http://tfl.nu/x8b0

Replies (10) Good night (4503) Bad night (514) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(516): View more from New York

id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(516): id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though http://tfl.nu/r22j

Replies (8) Good night (5654) Bad night (662) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(908): View more from New Jersey

Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(908): Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage. http://tfl.nu/uh3k

Replies (13) Good night (5418) Bad night (972) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(305): View more from Florida

i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(305): i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town. http://tfl.nu/vmwk

Replies (12) Good night (5218) Bad night (838) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(540): View more from Virginia

all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(540): all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes http://tfl.nu/yixn

Replies (33) Good night (7842) Bad night (914) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(216): View more from Ohio

there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(216): there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay http://tfl.nu/f4sg

Replies (21) Good night (3644) Bad night (1424) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(630): View more from Illinois

He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(630): He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors. http://tfl.nu/ipmp

Replies (36) Good night (2335) Bad night (5257) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(360): View more from Washington

I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(360): I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes http://tfl.nu/v9u0

Replies (13) Good night (5807) Bad night (761) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(781): View more from Massachusetts

i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(781): i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed. http://tfl.nu/tv17

Replies (9) Good night (4769) Bad night (845) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(712): View more from Iowa

The police scanner is talking about you again....

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(712): The police scanner is talking about you again.... http://tfl.nu/f6sk

Replies (16) Good night (8121) Bad night (987) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(901): View more from Tennessee

so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(901): so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist http://tfl.nu/ofkb

Replies (12) Good night (4676) Bad night (759) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(586): View more from Michigan

There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(586): There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks http://tfl.nu/aadi

Replies (16) Good night (2415) Bad night (367)
Favorite
(586): View more from Michigan

a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(586): a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho. http://tfl.nu/ftbg

Replies (3) Good night (825) Bad night (501) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(941): View more from Florida

i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket

(212): View more from New York

Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......

(212): View more from New York

Really

(941): View more from Florida

You win

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(941): i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket (212): Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants...... (212): Really (941): You win http://tfl.nu/2qfe

Replies (4) Good night (1984) Bad night (347)
Favorite
(773): View more from Illinois

Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(773): Help. Asians are flirting in front of me<div>(773): They speak asian</div> http://tfl.nu/664g

Replies (16) Good night (985) Bad night (1402)
Favorite
(313): View more from Michigan

I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(313): I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines. http://tfl.nu/hfn6

Replies (3) Good night (794) Bad night (1360) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(205): View more from Alabama

I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(205): I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo http://tfl.nu/nrq4

Replies (23) Good night (4625) Bad night (788) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(303): He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool. http://tfl.nu/8q12

Replies (14) Good night (6193) Bad night (995) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(760): View more from California

Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

(1-760): View more from California

I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(760): Why is your vibrator in the fridge? (1-760): I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there. http://tfl.nu/7etk

Replies (40) Good night (6501) Bad night (1020) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(562): the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon... http://tfl.nu/do0i

Replies (94) Good night (19354) Bad night (1409)
Favorite
(904): View more from Florida

it glows. i had to have it.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(904): it glows. i had to have it. http://tfl.nu/ygwq

Replies (14) Good night (5037) Bad night (691) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(401): View more from Rhode Island

apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(401): apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot" http://tfl.nu/gtmt

Replies (7) Good night (4831) Bad night (636) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(707): View more from California

why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(707): why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas? http://tfl.nu/mq53

Replies (15) Good night (5793) Bad night (881) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(717): Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this. http://tfl.nu/jiq7

Replies (15) Good night (6966) Bad night (846) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(702): View more from Nevada

she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(702): she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom. http://tfl.nu/em4c

Replies (16) Good night (6164) Bad night (680) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(618): View more from Illinois

i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(618): i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything http://tfl.nu/e4ud

Replies (8) Good night (3409) Bad night (835) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(609): View more from New Jersey

i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(609): i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt http://tfl.nu/t4r8

Replies (25) Good night (11427) Bad night (1057)
Favorite
(860): View more from Connecticut

Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(860): Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal http://tfl.nu/x7fc

Replies (19) Good night (5688) Bad night (1435) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(304): View more from West Virginia

I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(304): I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn. http://tfl.nu/xmj5

Replies (10) Good night (5884) Bad night (981) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(585): View more from New York

he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(585): he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice http://tfl.nu/25gk

Replies (18) Good night (5525) Bad night (1355) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(208): View more from Idaho

I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(208): I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants. http://tfl.nu/k57a

Replies (19) Good night (1030) Bad night (4964) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(612): View more from Minnesota

she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)

(708): View more from Illinois

WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(612): she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :) (708): WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE http://tfl.nu/vm9y

Replies (9) Good night (5733) Bad night (749)
Favorite
(718): View more from New York

he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty

(917): View more from New York City

smooth operator

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(718): he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty (917): smooth operator http://tfl.nu/2sej

Replies (25) Good night (7296) Bad night (981)
Favorite
(618): View more from Illinois

you should give me head with plastic fangs in

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(618): you should give me head with plastic fangs in http://tfl.nu/ku60

Replies (58) Good night (1943) Bad night (8361) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(201): View more from New Jersey

if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(201): if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight http://tfl.nu/z6vl

Replies (22) Good night (4085) Bad night (1264) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(305): View more from Florida

And the cops told us we were all naked.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(305): And the cops told us we were all naked. http://tfl.nu/sk8w

Replies (15) Good night (6263) Bad night (785) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(514): He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic. http://tfl.nu/4dpi

Replies (38) Good night (11422) Bad night (804) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(804): View more from Virginia

Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(804): Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday... http://tfl.nu/fzwu

Replies (36) Good night (7549) Bad night (1049) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(209): View more from California

Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(209): Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night. http://tfl.nu/9abu

Replies (27) Good night (4841) Bad night (975) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(937): View more from Ohio

just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(937): just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy. http://tfl.nu/n1q0

Replies (17) Good night (1063) Bad night (5456) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(678): View more from Georgia

his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(678): his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him. http://tfl.nu/quex

Replies (23) Good night (5604) Bad night (888) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(612): View more from Minnesota

I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(612): I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her http://tfl.nu/lmu7

Replies (10) Good night (3421) Bad night (1015) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(614): View more from Ohio

No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(614): No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog. http://tfl.nu/lwrd

Replies (11) Good night (5354) Bad night (854) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(239): View more from Florida

Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?

(813): View more from Florida

Nah, just masturbating louder

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(239): Is it weird being in the house without any roommates? (813): Nah, just masturbating louder http://tfl.nu/cjwy

Replies (7) Good night (5048) Bad night (710)
Favorite
(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(801): please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist. http://tfl.nu/t4io

Replies (26) Good night (8526) Bad night (807) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(804): View more from Virginia

Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(804): Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3. http://tfl.nu/mf94

Replies (15) Good night (5605) Bad night (937) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(606): View more from Kentucky

he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(606): he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman. http://tfl.nu/lhzg

Replies (25) Good night (4738) Bad night (1428) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(317): View more from Indiana

Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(317): Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader? http://tfl.nu/orgq

Replies (31) Good night (7199) Bad night (1088) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(630): We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds http://tfl.nu/p9wa

Replies (26) Good night (10952) Bad night (1151) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(732): View more from New Jersey

Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(732): Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day. http://tfl.nu/xpns

Replies (29) Good night (5550) Bad night (1883) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(540): View more from Virginia

Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(540): Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof. http://tfl.nu/2421

Replies (20) Good night (7221) Bad night (896) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(520): View more from Arizona

2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(520): 2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out. http://tfl.nu/1knp

Replies (26) Good night (7047) Bad night (919) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(678): View more from Georgia

I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(678): I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present. http://tfl.nu/aj43

Replies (16) Good night (5336) Bad night (885)
Favorite
(251): View more from Alabama

He managed to light the Jello on fire...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(251): He managed to light the Jello on fire... http://tfl.nu/tu7i

Replies (16) Good night (5485) Bad night (670) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(207): View more from Maine

I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(207): I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow. http://tfl.nu/e26q

Replies (11) Good night (3941) Bad night (779) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(218): Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it. http://tfl.nu/dm7u

Replies (42) Good night (7600) Bad night (2150) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(765): View more from Indiana

Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(765): Did we both pass out talking about cake last night? http://tfl.nu/lgnr

Replies (10) Good night (4493) Bad night (640) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(781): View more from Massachusetts

he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(781): he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where. http://tfl.nu/dvsr

Replies (3) Good night (3052) Bad night (1037) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(404): View more from Georgia

He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(404): He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying http://tfl.nu/0ccm

Replies (8) Good night (2910) Bad night (3709) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(314): View more from Missouri

You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(314): You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you. http://tfl.nu/ejbb

Replies (9) Good night (7430) Bad night (634)
Favorite
(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(773): Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat. http://tfl.nu/qnu6

Replies (30) Good night (3913) Bad night (4794) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(913): sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train. http://tfl.nu/vfk6

Replies (23) Good night (10995) Bad night (874) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(916): View more from California

day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(916): day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome. http://tfl.nu/5c0j

Replies (10) Good night (5757) Bad night (819) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(301): View more from Maryland

did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(301): did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right. http://tfl.nu/lg5g

Replies (13) Good night (6225) Bad night (806)
Favorite
(305): View more from Florida

I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(305): I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me. http://tfl.nu/06ls

Replies (21) Good night (5105) Bad night (1673) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(202): View more from Washington, DC

My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(202): My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation. http://tfl.nu/z4sr

Replies (15) Good night (6954) Bad night (682)
Favorite
(406): View more from Montana

We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(406): We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase. http://tfl.nu/9rce

Replies (11) Good night (3858) Bad night (836) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(214): View more from Texas

She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(214): She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca http://tfl.nu/k60q

Replies (19) Good night (1007) Bad night (6592) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(208): View more from Idaho

this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(208): this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this http://tfl.nu/vlz9

Replies (15) Good night (859) Bad night (3770) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(636): View more from Missouri

You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.

(847): View more from Illinois

What did I say?

(636): View more from Missouri

Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(636): You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why. (847): What did I say? (636): Don't ask me questions while I have an erection, http://tfl.nu/e9w1

Replies (10) Good night (7427) Bad night (873)
Favorite
(317): View more from Indiana

The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(317): The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope. http://tfl.nu/lawp

Replies (25) Good night (4977) Bad night (874) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(970): View more from Colorado

Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(970): Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier. http://tfl.nu/o9ed

Replies (19) Good night (8817) Bad night (1085)
Favorite
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(262): I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom. http://tfl.nu/hw22

Replies (13) Good night (5339) Bad night (852) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(724): Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted. http://tfl.nu/tz2e

Replies (40) Good night (15939) Bad night (1893) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(808): View more from Hawaii

I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(808): I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils. http://tfl.nu/b8ey

Replies (10) Good night (1105) Bad night (3420) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(917): View more from New York City

your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(917): your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin? http://tfl.nu/252o

Replies (16) Good night (3671) Bad night (1747)
Favorite
(337): View more from Louisiana

Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(337): Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning. http://tfl.nu/g9g5

Replies (19) Good night (8541) Bad night (781) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(630): View more from Illinois

wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?

(816): View more from Missouri

yes. helicopter.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(630): wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back? (816): yes. helicopter. http://tfl.nu/re1i

Replies (19) Good night (5256) Bad night (671)
Favorite
(785): View more from Kansas

Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(785): Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox http://tfl.nu/t30w

Replies (38) Good night (8035) Bad night (759) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(864): View more from South Carolina

so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(864): so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence. http://tfl.nu/nvim

Replies (20) Good night (7389) Bad night (763) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(224): View more from Illinois

I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(224): I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone. http://tfl.nu/1jen

Replies (12) Good night (6715) Bad night (705) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(913): View more from Kansas

I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(913): I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady." http://tfl.nu/ftym

Replies (11) Good night (5928) Bad night (766) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(303): View more from Colorado

im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

that was a mass text, wasnt it?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(303): im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared. (1-303): that was a mass text, wasnt it? http://tfl.nu/9i1u

Replies (22) Good night (6745) Bad night (1114) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(310): can your parents tell? (310): i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know http://tfl.nu/rda5

Replies (26) Good night (9028) Bad night (1095)
Favorite
(203): View more from Connecticut

Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(203): Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned. http://tfl.nu/94k0

Replies (14) Good night (6315) Bad night (1803) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(517): View more from Michigan

can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(517): can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised http://tfl.nu/5ukp

Replies (10) Good night (3611) Bad night (1008) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(203): View more from Connecticut

Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Good morning to you

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(203): Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday? (1-203): Good morning to you http://tfl.nu/rc7c

Replies (12) Good night (4529) Bad night (1779) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(714): View more from California

i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(714): i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock http://tfl.nu/oxvs

Replies (14) Good night (5787) Bad night (869) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(303): Say it nicely. (1-303): Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy? http://tfl.nu/5ned

Replies (51) Good night (15595) Bad night (904) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(309): i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons. (309): so finals studying is going well? http://tfl.nu/jt5e

Replies (13) Good night (6848) Bad night (725)
Favorite
(901): View more from Tennessee

She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, if you don't take her, I will.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(901): She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle. (1-901): Dude, if you don't take her, I will. http://tfl.nu/8ufn

Replies (34) Good night (6434) Bad night (907)
Favorite
(720): View more from Colorado

Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(720): Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers http://tfl.nu/jgqx

Replies (4) Good night (5152) Bad night (677) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(206): View more from Washington

My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(206): My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'. http://tfl.nu/39kt

Replies (10) Good night (4644) Bad night (599) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(530): I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight. (1-530): fuck. you. http://tfl.nu/1kgv

Replies (54) Good night (11430) Bad night (1401)
Favorite
(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(810): Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs http://tfl.nu/dxeo

Replies (13) Good night (8199) Bad night (920)
Favorite
(806): View more from Texas

We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(806): We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts. http://tfl.nu/2tox

Replies (11) Good night (6005) Bad night (926) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(773): View more from Illinois

arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(773): arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better http://tfl.nu/ch4v

Replies (19) Good night (5223) Bad night (841) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(248): View more from Michigan

I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(248): I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now http://tfl.nu/d0ke

Replies (16) Good night (4868) Bad night (729) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(440): View more from Ohio

omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(440): omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave. http://tfl.nu/dpnt

Replies (24) Good night (7531) Bad night (915) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(702): View more from Nevada

Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Yeah, but four times?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(702): Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it. (1-702): Yeah, but four times? http://tfl.nu/x8r7

Replies (30) Good night (6470) Bad night (1297) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(610): You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final http://tfl.nu/7b8j

Replies (18) Good night (9464) Bad night (584) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(316): View more from Kansas

And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(316): And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you. http://tfl.nu/vzzi

Replies (7) Good night (3663) Bad night (824) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(352): View more from Florida

I used to practice getting hit by cars.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(352): I used to practice getting hit by cars. http://tfl.nu/t3x2

Replies (23) Good night (1988) Bad night (3119) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(207): dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat http://tfl.nu/ast4

Replies (56) Good night (14976) Bad night (1203) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(714): View more from California

i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(714): i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats.. http://tfl.nu/8g2i

Replies (19) Good night (1159) Bad night (4050) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(408): They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald. http://tfl.nu/krtp

Replies (21) Good night (7492) Bad night (846) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(715): View more from Wisconsin

woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(715): woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night http://tfl.nu/5q0r

Replies (10) Good night (7965) Bad night (703) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(412): Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today. http://tfl.nu/4lg3

Replies (52) Good night (9683) Bad night (852) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(262): There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart. (1-262): That's funny. Are they weird looking??? (262): OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS. http://tfl.nu/egmz

Replies (38) Good night (8394) Bad night (976)
Favorite
(530): View more from California

I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(530): I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon. http://tfl.nu/vb88

Replies (13) Good night (4817) Bad night (802) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(850): View more from Florida

some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(850): some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face. http://tfl.nu/tn6y

Replies (12) Good night (4746) Bad night (1391) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(303): If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns. http://tfl.nu/xebd

Replies (56) Good night (12963) Bad night (1061) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(913): View more from Kansas

You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #

(816): View more from Missouri

ah tequila...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(913): You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur # (816): ah tequila... http://tfl.nu/7k34

Replies (22) Good night (5857) Bad night (698)
Favorite
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(412): I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on. http://tfl.nu/5fm3

Replies (30) Good night (9750) Bad night (1242) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(910): View more from North Carolina

Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(910): Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up. http://tfl.nu/oxuw

Replies (26) Good night (7609) Bad night (920)
Favorite
(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(303): his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy http://tfl.nu/u5b8

Replies (51) Good night (7835) Bad night (1196) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(570): found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory. http://tfl.nu/fqts

Replies (13) Good night (4274) Bad night (632)
Favorite
(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(250): A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja http://tfl.nu/h6o5

Replies (30) Good night (7024) Bad night (843)
Favorite
(203): View more from Connecticut

yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

when did we get a doorman?

(203): View more from Connecticut

we were also in the wrong building...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(203): yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman. (508): when did we get a doorman? (203): we were also in the wrong building... http://tfl.nu/c2ke

Replies (15) Good night (6499) Bad night (704)
Favorite
(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(301): Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort. http://tfl.nu/ivbh

Replies (71) Good night (18809) Bad night (1479) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(862): View more from New Jersey

found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(862): found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later" http://tfl.nu/lryz

Replies (19) Good night (9815) Bad night (1389) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(253): View more from Washington

For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(253): For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard. http://tfl.nu/hy6n

Replies (10) Good night (6254) Bad night (743) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(803): Why am I in a dog kennel? (1-803): It was for your own safety http://tfl.nu/w7ni

Replies (27) Good night (12291) Bad night (1080) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(219): Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night. http://tfl.nu/jfm9

Replies (68) Good night (26199) Bad night (2768) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(512): View more from Texas

someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(512): someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP http://tfl.nu/kebb

Replies (19) Good night (4949) Bad night (2336) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(225): i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip (1-225): whats a bus flip? (225): idk but apparently i invented it http://tfl.nu/n87k

Replies (23) Good night (9147) Bad night (580)
Favorite
(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(913): hows the party? (816): ists fjcssing insceredle (913): be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/innz

Replies (60) Good night (25206) Bad night (829)
Favorite
(208): View more from Idaho

this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(208): this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin" http://tfl.nu/odvv

Replies (16) Good night (7273) Bad night (668)
Favorite
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am the drunkest girl in the tree.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(484): I am the drunkest girl in the tree. http://tfl.nu/zje1

Replies (15) Good night (9857) Bad night (734) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(530): I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite http://tfl.nu/1k7e

Replies (45) Good night (18051) Bad night (877) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(919): Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon. http://tfl.nu/tzl9

Replies (57) Good night (19266) Bad night (961) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(651): She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death. (715): We should party with her soon http://tfl.nu/q1hq

Replies (16) Good night (7899) Bad night (755)
Favorite
(858): View more from California

this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(858): this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since. http://tfl.nu/ovf5

Replies (8) Good night (4008) Bad night (790) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(720): View more from Colorado

My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(720): My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this? http://tfl.nu/za6z

Replies (18) Good night (5654) Bad night (723) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(614): View more from Ohio

Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(614): Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge" http://tfl.nu/439j

Replies (20) Good night (3558) Bad night (4170)
Favorite
(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(206): And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny http://tfl.nu/a88g

Replies (17) Good night (6107) Bad night (675) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(609): View more from New Jersey

One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(609): One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em. http://tfl.nu/70jy

Replies (35) Good night (6342) Bad night (697) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(718): View more from New York

all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(718): all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over http://tfl.nu/ocfj

Replies (14) Good night (7089) Bad night (813) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(305): Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind. (786): How high are you right now.. (305): I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT. http://tfl.nu/q5i7

Replies (29) Good night (9723) Bad night (733)
Favorite
(203): View more from Connecticut

I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(203): I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious. http://tfl.nu/9dex

Replies (24) Good night (4117) Bad night (616) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(919): I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before. http://tfl.nu/gqc0

Replies (14) Good night (5665) Bad night (638) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(318): View more from Louisiana

He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(318): He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later." http://tfl.nu/4lz3

Replies (14) Good night (2119) Bad night (3411) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(480): View more from Arizona

I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(480): I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness http://tfl.nu/10ex

Replies (5) Good night (4734) Bad night (500) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(706): View more from Georgia

Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(706): Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate. http://tfl.nu/5lpe

Replies (13) Good night (5647) Bad night (819) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(913): View more from Kansas

he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(913): he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying. http://tfl.nu/sfs9

Replies (18) Good night (1365) Bad night (4045) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(510): View more from California

He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(510): He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again. http://tfl.nu/1fxb

Replies (27) Good night (959) Bad night (7273) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(412): She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you http://tfl.nu/82k6

Replies (6) Good night (4206) Bad night (704)
Favorite
(586): View more from Michigan

Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(586): Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule? http://tfl.nu/p75m

Replies (13) Good night (4269) Bad night (760) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(401): View more from Rhode Island

We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(401): We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this." http://tfl.nu/1p18

Replies (15) Good night (3723) Bad night (4568) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(559): View more from California

You realize it's finals week?

(408): View more from California

Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(559): You realize it's finals week? (408): Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first. http://tfl.nu/rjos

Replies (19) Good night (6003) Bad night (630)
Favorite
(773): View more from Illinois

well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(773): well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it. http://tfl.nu/vp9s

Replies (19) Good night (5640) Bad night (771)
Favorite
(617): View more from Massachusetts

my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(617): my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off http://tfl.nu/ogtq

Replies (36) Good night (4421) Bad night (1654) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(832): I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets. http://tfl.nu/n0nj

Replies (8) Good night (4430) Bad night (529) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(607): View more from New York

people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(607): people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome. http://tfl.nu/mqe3

Replies (32) Good night (3336) Bad night (824) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(484): Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud. http://tfl.nu/xhdj

Replies (49) Good night (45258) Bad night (1015)
Favorite
(519): View more from Ontario

oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(519): oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again http://tfl.nu/6u76

Replies (22) Good night (6775) Bad night (557) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(610): I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina. http://tfl.nu/pcj6

Replies (38) Good night (3945) Bad night (540) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(503): View more from Oregon

i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(503): i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean. http://tfl.nu/trho

Replies (19) Good night (6701) Bad night (290) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(206): View more from Washington

he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(206): he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina. http://tfl.nu/gr4l

Replies (39) Good night (547) Bad night (4758) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(310): View more from California

do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(310): do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking? http://tfl.nu/6m2c

Replies (30) Good night (1766) Bad night (9643) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(281): View more from Texas

Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(281): Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle. http://tfl.nu/lbmt

Replies (42) Good night (6055) Bad night (703)
Favorite
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj

Replies (52) Good night (68154) Bad night (1686) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(204): View more from Manitoba

He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(204): He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina. http://tfl.nu/1ygc

Replies (30) Good night (5447) Bad night (1515) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(405): View more from Oklahoma

New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(405): New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top http://tfl.nu/zi79

Replies (256) Good night (7920) Bad night (1993) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(602): View more from Arizona

my dad is going to jail this weekend

(1-602): View more from Arizona

where are we going to get our weed from?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(602): my dad is going to jail this weekend (1-602): where are we going to get our weed from? http://tfl.nu/lw00

Replies (22) Good night (1937) Bad night (6179) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(401): View more from Rhode Island

You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(401): You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you. http://tfl.nu/6q4j

Replies (14) Good night (8869) Bad night (717) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(306): Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire. http://tfl.nu/uvyh

Replies (10) Good night (3651) Bad night (961) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(956): View more from Texas

is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?

(210): View more from Texas

no

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(956): is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge? (210): no http://tfl.nu/pkgs

Replies (15) Good night (1610) Bad night (4645)
Favorite
(860): View more from Connecticut

Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(860): Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message. http://tfl.nu/jwe9

Replies (19) Good night (9149) Bad night (566) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(785): View more from Kansas

last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(785): last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator. http://tfl.nu/ifrq

Replies (18) Good night (7176) Bad night (702) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(917): View more from New York City

did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

(914): View more from New York

you mean faeutihaers?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(917): did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night? (914): you mean faeutihaers? http://tfl.nu/mcba

Replies (34) Good night (10150) Bad night (901)
Favorite
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(724): Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose. http://tfl.nu/bo74

Replies (8) Good night (5408) Bad night (868) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(203): View more from Connecticut

Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(203): Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock? http://tfl.nu/k7ck

Replies (27) Good night (5793) Bad night (735) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(704): she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out" http://tfl.nu/fktd

Replies (33) Good night (12540) Bad night (997) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(304): View more from West Virginia

apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(304): apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training... http://tfl.nu/a5eu

Replies (36) Good night (3894) Bad night (531) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(678): View more from Georgia

I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(678): I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI. http://tfl.nu/868g

Replies (27) Good night (6979) Bad night (1121) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(425): It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo." http://tfl.nu/u5wa

Replies (44) Good night (15979) Bad night (801)
Favorite
(941): View more from Florida

can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

(1-941): View more from Florida

idk, I had a turtle in mine.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(941): can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat? (1-941): idk, I had a turtle in mine. http://tfl.nu/ag7m

Replies (30) Good night (3386) Bad night (5063) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(864): If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay. (828): Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner (864): Previous statement retracted. http://tfl.nu/e7pe

Replies (46) Good night (12575) Bad night (892)
Favorite
(919): View more from North Carolina

It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(919): It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk. http://tfl.nu/1top

Replies (18) Good night (4997) Bad night (627) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(309): View more from Illinois

In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.

(217): View more from Illinois

gotta love wednesdays

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(309): In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st. (217): gotta love wednesdays http://tfl.nu/3grc

Replies (21) Good night (3876) Bad night (769)
Favorite
(718): View more from New York

We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(718): We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun http://tfl.nu/cluc

Replies (18) Good night (7419) Bad night (415) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(212): View more from New York

I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(212): I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth. http://tfl.nu/x3q1

Replies (13) Good night (6279) Bad night (514) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(612): View more from Minnesota

Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(612): Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery. http://tfl.nu/hvee

Replies (12) Good night (449) Bad night (4476) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(303): View more from Colorado

Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(303): Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield. http://tfl.nu/furb

Replies (29) Good night (10896) Bad night (850) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(918): View more from Oklahoma

When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(918): When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty http://tfl.nu/ybq4

Replies (19) Good night (889) Bad night (6380) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(406): View more from Montana

Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(406): Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns. http://tfl.nu/ywpq

Replies (42) Good night (6110) Bad night (747) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(248): View more from Michigan

Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(248): Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn. http://tfl.nu/n0iu

Replies (8) Good night (2811) Bad night (508) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(225): View more from Louisiana

walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(225): walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans. http://tfl.nu/3s10

Replies (24) Good night (4901) Bad night (551) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(910): View more from North Carolina

just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(910): just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics http://tfl.nu/3wmw

Replies (68) Good night (10363) Bad night (2139) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(214): View more from Texas

Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(214): Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious http://tfl.nu/ofzu

Replies (31) Good night (5863) Bad night (661) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(401): he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick http://tfl.nu/778x

Replies (69) Good night (13668) Bad night (3306) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(401): View more from Rhode Island

you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(401): you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck http://tfl.nu/4wd4

Replies (28) Good night (5460) Bad night (731) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(805): View more from California

I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(805): I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome. http://tfl.nu/p5hg

Replies (8) Good night (1831) Bad night (2745) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(713): View more from Texas

I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I wanted to see November 5, 1985

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(713): I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima (832): I wanted to see November 5, 1985 http://tfl.nu/o133

Replies (19) Good night (3814) Bad night (381)
Favorite
(865): View more from Tennessee

One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(865): One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat. http://tfl.nu/8o5d

Replies (18) Good night (2748) Bad night (589) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(267): He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever. http://tfl.nu/526w

Replies (48) Good night (27268) Bad night (599) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(330): View more from Ohio

Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(330): Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket? http://tfl.nu/lptb

Replies (48) Good night (1392) Bad night (6923) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(650): View more from California

I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(650): I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend? http://tfl.nu/l4fs

Replies (46) Good night (9058) Bad night (1699) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?

(609): View more from New Jersey

dont start drinking without me

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(215): is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor? (609): dont start drinking without me http://tfl.nu/ofdx

Replies (47) Good night (4737) Bad night (699)
Favorite
(906): View more from Michigan

Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(906): Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here http://tfl.nu/0qbu

Replies (12) Good night (5658) Bad night (466) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(518): 4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens. http://tfl.nu/m8yq

Replies (55) Good night (10161) Bad night (2774) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(330): View more from Ohio

Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(330): Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley. http://tfl.nu/14i4

Replies (16) Good night (924) Bad night (4904) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(312): View more from Illinois

I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(312): I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm http://tfl.nu/hl7i

Replies (37) Good night (8799) Bad night (1323) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(802): View more from Vermont

you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(802): you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv. http://tfl.nu/a1rt

Replies (15) Good night (5263) Bad night (580) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(714): View more from California

so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)

(1-714): View more from California

i'm so jealous of you right now.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(714): so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;) (1-714): i'm so jealous of you right now. http://tfl.nu/egrq

Replies (56) Good night (8520) Bad night (1209)
Favorite
(240): View more from Maryland

this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(240): this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday. http://tfl.nu/pumo

Replies (30) Good night (11485) Bad night (490)
Favorite
(224): View more from Illinois

hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube

(630): View more from Illinois

my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(224): hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube (630): my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up. http://tfl.nu/cxvl

Replies (17) Good night (6894) Bad night (431)
Favorite
(973): View more from New Jersey

hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(973): hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination http://tfl.nu/nh5d

Replies (17) Good night (637) Bad night (3428) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(703): swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back." (202): buy whatever she's on. a lot of it. http://tfl.nu/b6gr

Replies (34) Good night (14716) Bad night (606)
Favorite
(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(303): you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight. (303): and I must say, you were very persuasive http://tfl.nu/e18p

Replies (74) Good night (17137) Bad night (547)
Favorite
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(610): Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it. http://tfl.nu/l5ke

Replies (29) Good night (8554) Bad night (1565) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(917): View more from New York City

we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(917): we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer. http://tfl.nu/2zy4

Replies (59) Good night (9850) Bad night (932)
Favorite
(530): View more from California

i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(530): i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something http://tfl.nu/obfg

Replies (29) Good night (695) Bad night (5758) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(831): View more from California

I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(831): I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am. http://tfl.nu/8xi2

Replies (15) Good night (8453) Bad night (486) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(203): View more from Connecticut

i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(203): i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german. http://tfl.nu/cfoz

Replies (18) Good night (6394) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(414): View more from Wisconsin

we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(414): we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone http://tfl.nu/fyy6

Replies (32) Good night (6813) Bad night (597) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(920): View more from Wisconsin

you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(920): you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!' http://tfl.nu/st5y

Replies (23) Good night (2907) Bad night (3638) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(406): View more from Montana

we convinced you the moon was a planet...again

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(406): we convinced you the moon was a planet...again http://tfl.nu/tbv6

Replies (23) Good night (6751) Bad night (615) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(402): View more from Nebraska

Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(402): Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR. http://tfl.nu/vjij

Replies (25) Good night (6961) Bad night (570) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3

Replies (246) Good night (64498) Bad night (2455) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(717): i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened http://tfl.nu/tpah

Replies (13) Good night (5942) Bad night (778) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(412): Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living (1-412): bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug (412): This is sufficient. http://tfl.nu/p15m

Replies (72) Good night (11557) Bad night (566)
Favorite
(870): View more from Arkansas

you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(870): you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions. http://tfl.nu/7qp6

Replies (29) Good night (7889) Bad night (456) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(314): View more from Missouri

we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(314): we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them. http://tfl.nu/5z6d

Replies (37) Good night (6417) Bad night (355) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(203): there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them (718): pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed http://tfl.nu/7id4

Replies (31) Good night (10677) Bad night (605)
Favorite
(828): View more from North Carolina

I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(828): I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse. http://tfl.nu/gxwi

Replies (14) Good night (4037) Bad night (641) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(425): you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it (206): youre the best friend ever http://tfl.nu/6oyc

Replies (45) Good night (19374) Bad night (641)
Favorite
(732): View more from New Jersey

only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(732): only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package.. http://tfl.nu/0izj

Replies (37) Good night (6658) Bad night (501) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(860): View more from Connecticut

The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(860): The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one http://tfl.nu/gt0t

Replies (27) Good night (5924) Bad night (626) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(404): View more from Georgia

dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(404): dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs http://tfl.nu/cgkd

Replies (58) Good night (669) Bad night (11684) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(202): View more from Washington, DC

did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(202): did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this... http://tfl.nu/5zp7

Replies (29) Good night (1054) Bad night (4878)
Favorite
(480): View more from Arizona

You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(480): You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone http://tfl.nu/wd7b

Replies (33) Good night (7205) Bad night (597) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(810): View more from Michigan

we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(810): we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect. http://tfl.nu/l0ek

Replies (58) Good night (8828) Bad night (418)
Favorite
(706): View more from Georgia

Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(706): Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles http://tfl.nu/50ki

Replies (24) Good night (762) Bad night (3122) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(503): View more from Oregon

my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(503): my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew. http://tfl.nu/fdzr

Replies (88) Good night (5188) Bad night (626) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(405): View more from Oklahoma

i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(405): i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college. http://tfl.nu/j0w5

Replies (58) Good night (6045) Bad night (493) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(214): View more from Texas

He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(214): He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome. http://tfl.nu/msec

Replies (10) Good night (4203) Bad night (505) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(917): View more from New York City

Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(917): Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage? http://tfl.nu/cpvo

Replies (12) Good night (5134) Bad night (536) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(203): View more from Connecticut

I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(203): I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people http://tfl.nu/sj5w

Replies (14) Good night (5176) Bad night (330) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(540): View more from Virginia

birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex

(703): View more from Virginia

I'm on my period, period, period

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(540): birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex (703): I'm on my period, period, period http://tfl.nu/vsrk

Replies (72) Good night (1530) Bad night (15140)
Favorite
(507): View more from Minnesota

So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(507): So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there. http://tfl.nu/r47h

Replies (10) Good night (5558) Bad night (435) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(858): View more from California

you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(858): you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?" http://tfl.nu/xq6v

Replies (43) Good night (8250) Bad night (1079) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(859): View more from Kentucky

you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(859): you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'. http://tfl.nu/aatj

Replies (44) Good night (1387) Bad night (5868) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(845): View more from New York

We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?

(1-845): View more from New York

Who won mens moguls?

(845): View more from New York

That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(845): We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously? (1-845): Who won mens moguls? (845): That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude. http://tfl.nu/8mik

Replies (63) Good night (6301) Bad night (1888)
Favorite
(901): View more from Tennessee

I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(901): I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class. http://tfl.nu/yhk3

Replies (31) Good night (6490) Bad night (466) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(980): View more from North Carolina

I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.

(704): View more from North Carolina

oh, you finally did the dishes then?

(980): View more from North Carolina

No, bought new ones.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(980): I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight. (704): oh, you finally did the dishes then? (980): No, bought new ones. http://tfl.nu/21up

Replies (48) Good night (7233) Bad night (941)
Favorite
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(814): You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum... http://tfl.nu/p3s1

Replies (20) Good night (6924) Bad night (1736) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(318): View more from Louisiana

why is allison so mad at me??

(469): View more from Texas

me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".

(318): View more from Louisiana

crap..

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(318): why is allison so mad at me?? (469): me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!". (318): crap.. http://tfl.nu/7nes

Replies (28) Good night (1171) Bad night (5586)
Favorite
(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(907): Tell me the dirtiest joke you know (1-907): Sarah Palin (907): god, I love you http://tfl.nu/fmd4

Replies (100) Good night (10003) Bad night (900)
Favorite
(571): View more from Virginia

i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(571): i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms. http://tfl.nu/yba6

Replies (21) Good night (5754) Bad night (635) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(760): View more from California

What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(760): What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch? http://tfl.nu/c2lm

Replies (30) Good night (5040) Bad night (502) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(845): View more from New York

just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(845): just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever. http://tfl.nu/d1ay

Replies (21) Good night (8345) Bad night (358) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(979): View more from Texas

i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.

(903): View more from Texas

wow. i have no words.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(979): i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door. (903): wow. i have no words. http://tfl.nu/bjsv

Replies (29) Good night (5449) Bad night (740)
Favorite
(651): View more from Minnesota

i turned job hunting into a drinking game..

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(651): i turned job hunting into a drinking game.. http://tfl.nu/xroj

Replies (20) Good night (5452) Bad night (484) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(813): View more from Florida

If you die in college, do you die in real life?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(813): If you die in college, do you die in real life? http://tfl.nu/s9pw

Replies (42) Good night (8858) Bad night (789) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(516): View more from New York

He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(516): He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one. http://tfl.nu/wrt6

Replies (34) Good night (8963) Bad night (673) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(260): View more from Indiana

3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella

(1-260): View more from Indiana

I've never been more proud of you

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(260): 3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella (1-260): I've never been more proud of you http://tfl.nu/g2u4

Replies (20) Good night (5277) Bad night (371)
Favorite
(954): View more from Florida

i just sent this text using only my big toe

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(954): i just sent this text using only my big toe http://tfl.nu/upij

Replies (22) Good night (5738) Bad night (683) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(949): View more from California

I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(949): I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads. http://tfl.nu/gq0b

Replies (24) Good night (5014) Bad night (464) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(314): View more from Missouri

What happened to the watermelon?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

You fucked it.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(314): What happened to the watermelon? (1-314): You fucked it. http://tfl.nu/pk7c

Replies (15) Good night (1913) Bad night (4252) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.

(773): View more from Illinois

You spelled "worthless" wrong.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(773): Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note. (773): You spelled "worthless" wrong. http://tfl.nu/nbo3

Replies (66) Good night (1243) Bad night (8213)
Favorite
(818): View more from California

I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(818): I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head http://tfl.nu/6xrq

Replies (141) Good night (1976) Bad night (4726) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(360): View more from Washington

i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(360): i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew http://tfl.nu/ocbg

Replies (44) Good night (22617) Bad night (722) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(913): I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago. http://tfl.nu/uh8m

Replies (35) Good night (13118) Bad night (708) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(206): View more from Washington

My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(206): My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed http://tfl.nu/sgs1

Replies (19) Good night (3496) Bad night (1016) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(412): How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body? (1-412): Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit http://tfl.nu/2oue

Replies (51) Good night (1875) Bad night (13103)
Favorite
(661): View more from California

Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(661): Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds http://tfl.nu/3651

Replies (13) Good night (6059) Bad night (484) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(612): View more from Minnesota

you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(612): you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all. http://tfl.nu/uo2n

Replies (6) Good night (4579) Bad night (421) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(617): View more from Massachusetts

there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(617): there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened http://tfl.nu/7n12

Replies (8) Good night (4072) Bad night (500) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(650): after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you http://tfl.nu/blf7

Replies (38) Good night (9485) Bad night (404)
Favorite
(806): View more from Texas

A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"

(501): View more from Arkansas

Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(806): A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal" (501): Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him... http://tfl.nu/wsps

Replies (15) Good night (5792) Bad night (628)
Favorite
(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(312): i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it (917): the suitcase or the dildo? http://tfl.nu/j1en

Replies (39) Good night (9692) Bad night (1222)
Favorite
(604): View more from British Columbia

I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(604): I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey. http://tfl.nu/1r0k

Replies (27) Good night (11047) Bad night (515) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(321): I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code. http://tfl.nu/ho8g

Replies (14) Good night (4075) Bad night (461) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(814): He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying http://tfl.nu/diyu

Replies (28) Good night (11554) Bad night (370) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(612): View more from Minnesota

Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(612): Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home http://tfl.nu/ug2x

Replies (76) Good night (7106) Bad night (431) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(304): View more from West Virginia

STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(304): STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us! http://tfl.nu/rgw4

Replies (31) Good night (7739) Bad night (599) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(304): View more from West Virginia

What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

That wasn't intended for you, my bad.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(304): What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me. (1-304): That wasn't intended for you, my bad. http://tfl.nu/hfz2

Replies (23) Good night (5312) Bad night (1143) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(812): View more from Indiana

Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(812): Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was. http://tfl.nu/nuhx

Replies (28) Good night (8316) Bad night (517) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(307): View more from Wyoming

I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(307): I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that. http://tfl.nu/zno7

Replies (16) Good night (5674) Bad night (540)
Favorite
(803): View more from South Carolina

just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(803): just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car http://tfl.nu/l192

Replies (191) Good night (15305) Bad night (1960) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(614): View more from Ohio

her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(614): her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny http://tfl.nu/5yjp

Replies (38) Good night (710) Bad night (4618) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(585): View more from New York

she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(585): she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year? http://tfl.nu/9o4d

Replies (58) Good night (9500) Bad night (522) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(716): View more from New York

An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(716): An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready http://tfl.nu/od5a

Replies (21) Good night (4136) Bad night (1006)
Favorite
(734): View more from Michigan

swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(734): swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense. http://tfl.nu/wj9q

Replies (23) Good night (7360) Bad night (517) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(970): View more from Colorado

How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(970): How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy? http://tfl.nu/ky06

Replies (27) Good night (5827) Bad night (605) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(570): do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless? http://tfl.nu/2m3m

Replies (10) Good night (4882) Bad night (550) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(315): View more from New York

I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(315): I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry" http://tfl.nu/cwet

Replies (39) Good night (7412) Bad night (360) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(414): View more from Wisconsin

the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(414): the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details. http://tfl.nu/93dt

Replies (26) Good night (6116) Bad night (415) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(631): View more from New York

I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(631): I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do. http://tfl.nu/h9wr

Replies (6) Good night (3507) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(270): View more from Kentucky

There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(270): There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal. http://tfl.nu/1sv3

Replies (26) Good night (3720) Bad night (459) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(413): View more from Massachusetts

before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(413): before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave http://tfl.nu/loh3

Replies (26) Good night (7834) Bad night (411)
Favorite
(630): View more from Illinois

my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(630): my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise. http://tfl.nu/s84e

Replies (7) Good night (6392) Bad night (412)
Favorite
(503): View more from Oregon

You'll be proud of me

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Who did you not have sex with

(503): View more from Oregon

Damn it...you know me too well

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(503): You'll be proud of me (1-503): Who did you not have sex with (503): Damn it...you know me too well http://tfl.nu/ealw

Replies (13) Good night (4739) Bad night (439)
Favorite
(571): View more from Virginia

I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(571): I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet http://tfl.nu/qd88

Replies (25) Good night (3792) Bad night (397) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(248): View more from Michigan

Public safety found my id!

(248): View more from Michigan

And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(248): Public safety found my id! (248): And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had. http://tfl.nu/apb6

Replies (15) Good night (5076) Bad night (389)
Favorite
(440): View more from Ohio

i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(440): i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense http://tfl.nu/65hc

Replies (23) Good night (1542) Bad night (5226) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(240): View more from Maryland

she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(240): she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever. http://tfl.nu/656k

Replies (27) Good night (5480) Bad night (390) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(250): View more from British Columbia

i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(250): i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay. http://tfl.nu/ht4h

Replies (15) Good night (6247) Bad night (345) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?

(940): View more from Texas

homeless.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(717): gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy? (940): homeless. http://tfl.nu/iz6y

Replies (17) Good night (4448) Bad night (805)
Favorite
(585): View more from New York

Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(585): Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night. http://tfl.nu/iu2u

Replies (33) Good night (3546) Bad night (998) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(402): what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers (1-402): are you high? http://tfl.nu/fjf1

Replies (36) Good night (11700) Bad night (510) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(360): View more from Washington

Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.

(1-360): View more from Washington

You win. Erica always eats cat food.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(360): Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal. (1-360): You win. Erica always eats cat food. http://tfl.nu/lw2c

Replies (10) Good night (3573) Bad night (619)
Favorite
(410): View more from Maryland

After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(410): After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk http://tfl.nu/jjss

Replies (4) Good night (4602) Bad night (339) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(858): View more from California

Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(858): Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo. http://tfl.nu/gbo1

Replies (44) Good night (2098) Bad night (4985) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(609): View more from New Jersey

Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(609): Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine. http://tfl.nu/cx6r

Replies (17) Good night (6708) Bad night (419) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(972): View more from Texas

it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(972): it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles http://tfl.nu/ysqd

Replies (26) Good night (813) Bad night (4950) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(859): View more from Kentucky

make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(859): make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through. http://tfl.nu/bvv7

Replies (19) Good night (6782) Bad night (384) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(516): View more from New York

is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(516): is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon? http://tfl.nu/8edy

Replies (45) Good night (5272) Bad night (422) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(432): View more from Texas

From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(432): From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention http://tfl.nu/4fnt

Replies (26) Good night (5876) Bad night (471) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(404): View more from Georgia

I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!

(1-404): View more from Georgia

what drugs are you on?

(404): View more from Georgia

none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(404): I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles! (1-404): what drugs are you on? (404): none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later http://tfl.nu/mtfu

Replies (26) Good night (4962) Bad night (536)
Favorite
(770): View more from Georgia

Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(770): Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much. http://tfl.nu/renf

Replies (23) Good night (465) Bad night (4117) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(865): View more from Tennessee

is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(865): is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend? http://tfl.nu/lq8q

Replies (85) Good night (17052) Bad night (971) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(765): View more from Indiana

my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(765): my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes. http://tfl.nu/hrf7

Replies (8) Good night (4007) Bad night (327) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(623): View more from Arizona

listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(623): listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville. (202): Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am. http://tfl.nu/fp1i

Replies (19) Good night (5075) Bad night (694)
Favorite
(816): View more from Missouri

I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(816): I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life. http://tfl.nu/o7kz

Replies (14) Good night (4343) Bad night (393) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(803): View more from South Carolina

Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(803): Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning. http://tfl.nu/55ug

Replies (12) Good night (4153) Bad night (739) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(912): View more from Georgia

i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(912): i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day http://tfl.nu/5rbo

Replies (29) Good night (5218) Bad night (631) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(909): View more from California

i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(909): i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner. http://tfl.nu/h169

Replies (17) Good night (2148) Bad night (3903) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(856): View more from New Jersey

the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(856): the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed http://tfl.nu/39rg

Replies (42) Good night (10449) Bad night (853) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(218): View more from Minnesota

it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(218): it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger. http://tfl.nu/p87j

Replies (10) Good night (5236) Bad night (641) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(440): View more from Ohio

Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(440): Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing. http://tfl.nu/x35s

Replies (51) Good night (9623) Bad night (790) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(630): View more from Illinois

Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(630): Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself. http://tfl.nu/vif9

Replies (55) Good night (10181) Bad night (829) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(757): View more from Virginia

It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(757): It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like http://tfl.nu/masc

Replies (81) Good night (8267) Bad night (779) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(863): View more from Florida

just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(863): just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud http://tfl.nu/54kw

Replies (11) Good night (4555) Bad night (553)
Favorite
(604): View more from British Columbia

omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(604): omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life http://tfl.nu/up0q

Replies (10) Good night (2974) Bad night (537) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(617): Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning. http://tfl.nu/86da

Replies (5) Good night (2883) Bad night (512) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(508): View more from Massachusetts

you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(508): you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water http://tfl.nu/opqy

Replies (15) Good night (7178) Bad night (366) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(303): View more from Colorado

why im i the only drunk person in the library?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(303): why im i the only drunk person in the library? http://tfl.nu/z5jl

Replies (20) Good night (5662) Bad night (593) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(347): View more from New York

i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(347): i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours http://tfl.nu/3wc8

Replies (33) Good night (4111) Bad night (1515) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(619): View more from California

do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(619): do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big. http://tfl.nu/tgfw

Replies (9) Good night (3922) Bad night (1397) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(781): Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse http://tfl.nu/l7qs

Replies (46) Good night (617) Bad night (7279) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(401): Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick. http://tfl.nu/vuwe

Replies (17) Good night (1060) Bad night (3971) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(612): View more from Minnesota

adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(612): adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome http://tfl.nu/w0f6

Replies (48) Good night (3437) Bad night (782) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(540): View more from Virginia

Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(540): Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right http://tfl.nu/yhhf

Replies (38) Good night (4706) Bad night (758) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(443): We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich.... http://tfl.nu/i7fe

Replies (99) Good night (36575) Bad night (945) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(845): View more from New York

This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(845): This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin. http://tfl.nu/f5uz

Replies (45) Good night (560) Bad night (7843) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(317): View more from Indiana

dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

details please.

(317): View more from Indiana

they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(317): dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life. (1-317): details please. (317): they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first." http://tfl.nu/d384

Replies (61) Good night (4979) Bad night (305)
Favorite
(937): View more from Ohio

Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(937): Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date http://tfl.nu/jct3

Replies (44) Good night (5971) Bad night (981)
Favorite
(301): View more from Maryland

You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(301): You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope http://tfl.nu/v6u5

Replies (2) Good night (3605) Bad night (325) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(978): Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially. http://tfl.nu/gw0l

Replies (24) Good night (8710) Bad night (438) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(617): So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus? http://tfl.nu/bsxq

Replies (19) Good night (849) Bad night (5316) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(610): not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis. http://tfl.nu/tt6j

Replies (11) Good night (361) Bad night (3637) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(774): View more from Massachusetts

ugh. my soul tastes like vodka

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(774): ugh. my soul tastes like vodka http://tfl.nu/d0v0

Replies (9) Good night (4102) Bad night (706) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(810): View more from Michigan

so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy

(734): View more from Michigan

what about the blowjobs for adderall?

(810): View more from Michigan

no those are still okay

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(810): so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy (734): what about the blowjobs for adderall? (810): no those are still okay http://tfl.nu/913b

Replies (12) Good night (3839) Bad night (463)
Favorite
(571): View more from Virginia

We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(571): We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants." http://tfl.nu/wjgr

Replies (16) Good night (577) Bad night (3253) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(563): View more from Iowa

My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(563): My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night. http://tfl.nu/lmn5

Replies (14) Good night (987) Bad night (4135) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(513): View more from Ohio

The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(513): The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him? http://tfl.nu/pyyw

Replies (23) Good night (6113) Bad night (557) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(575): View more from New Mexico

How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(575): How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows. http://tfl.nu/n4qx

Replies (26) Good night (1347) Bad night (3641) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(913): View more from Kansas

took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(913): took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine http://tfl.nu/51sq

Replies (22) Good night (5119) Bad night (479) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(858): View more from California

batman tramp stamp. Dibs.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(858): batman tramp stamp. Dibs. http://tfl.nu/38kl

Replies (56) Good night (10006) Bad night (623) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(518): View more from New York

my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(518): my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her... http://tfl.nu/xju0

Replies (78) Good night (1712) Bad night (27420) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(978): View more from Massachusetts

he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(978): he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket http://tfl.nu/jdxn

Replies (42) Good night (427) Bad night (4550) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(661): View more from California

No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(661): No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer. http://tfl.nu/5zs6

Replies (44) Good night (4203) Bad night (726) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(516): View more from New York

All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(516): All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job. http://tfl.nu/ssdv

Replies (8) Good night (505) Bad night (3341) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(336): View more from North Carolina

Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(336): Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone? http://tfl.nu/bgt3

Replies (22) Good night (7858) Bad night (492) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(270): View more from Kentucky

Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(270): Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high. http://tfl.nu/tn40

Replies (18) Good night (7787) Bad night (442) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(270): View more from Kentucky

T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

I'm jealous

(270): View more from Kentucky

My throat feels like a candle.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(270): T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English. (1-270): I'm jealous (270): My throat feels like a candle. http://tfl.nu/vpw9

Replies (31) Good night (7279) Bad night (583)
Favorite
(603): View more from New Hampshire

you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(603): you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics. http://tfl.nu/re5j

Replies (21) Good night (7754) Bad night (441) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(818): View more from California

I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(818): I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol. http://tfl.nu/1x7g

Replies (28) Good night (5995) Bad night (506) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(360): View more from Washington

there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(360): there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am http://tfl.nu/on84

Replies (26) Good night (5520) Bad night (592) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(609): View more from New Jersey

Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(609): Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares. http://tfl.nu/trym

Replies (37) Good night (4941) Bad night (618) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(580): View more from Oklahoma

I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(580): I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch. http://tfl.nu/axjt

Replies (31) Good night (5781) Bad night (721) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(718): what happened last night? (917): u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style (718): that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left http://tfl.nu/i3a9

Replies (39) Good night (13351) Bad night (670)
Favorite
(727): View more from Florida

i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.

(1-727): View more from Florida

shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(727): i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened. (1-727): shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face. http://tfl.nu/dien

Replies (13) Good night (4300) Bad night (815) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(701): View more from North Dakota

Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(701): Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize http://tfl.nu/1v86

Replies (50) Good night (4013) Bad night (497) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(501): View more from Arkansas

I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(501): I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home. http://tfl.nu/r4qk

Replies (46) Good night (886) Bad night (4620)
Favorite
(330): View more from Ohio

did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(330): did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding.. http://tfl.nu/ng2x

Replies (35) Good night (942) Bad night (5592) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

time to smoke my breakfast

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(724): time to smoke my breakfast http://tfl.nu/9r0k

Replies (13) Good night (4895) Bad night (656) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(905): View more from Toronto

No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(905): No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags http://tfl.nu/jbrv

Replies (24) Good night (1318) Bad night (3694) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(423): View more from Tennessee

today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(423): today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married http://tfl.nu/xv8o

Replies (68) Good night (12733) Bad night (1164) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(507): View more from Minnesota

You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(507): You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone http://tfl.nu/s3uu

Replies (7) Good night (4960) Bad night (359) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(289): View more from Ontario

Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(289): Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that. http://tfl.nu/ostc

Replies (64) Good night (8353) Bad night (659) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(717): please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are. http://tfl.nu/a3si

Replies (10) Good night (1043) Bad night (3457)
Favorite
(513): View more from Ohio

I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(513): I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim. http://tfl.nu/b9e4

Replies (15) Good night (5157) Bad night (598) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(773): View more from Illinois

I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(773): I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs http://tfl.nu/cj7x

Replies (29) Good night (4202) Bad night (730) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(919): View more from North Carolina

please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(919): please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys http://tfl.nu/inic

Replies (21) Good night (671) Bad night (4441) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(563): View more from Iowa

Your favorite bartender is back from prision

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(563): Your favorite bartender is back from prision http://tfl.nu/uuje

Replies (12) Good night (6121) Bad night (586) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(456): View more from

im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(456): im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out http://tfl.nu/zwp7

Replies (27) Good night (3772) Bad night (841) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(973): View more from New Jersey

pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(973): pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy http://tfl.nu/hiwh

Replies (10) Good night (1077) Bad night (2730) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(909): View more from California

Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(909): Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome. http://tfl.nu/gu2z

Replies (29) Good night (5030) Bad night (414) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(720): View more from Colorado

I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(720): I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch. http://tfl.nu/l2v2

Replies (23) Good night (4746) Bad night (431) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(213): View more from California

Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(213): Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now. http://tfl.nu/tt7k

Replies (8) Good night (4230) Bad night (394) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(559): View more from California

With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(559): With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake. http://tfl.nu/no1z

Replies (6) Good night (3103) Bad night (473) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(201): View more from New Jersey

why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(201): why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall http://tfl.nu/krc7

Replies (43) Good night (11075) Bad night (457) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(413): Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot. http://tfl.nu/sr3w

Replies (19) Good night (8981) Bad night (1001)
Favorite
(615): View more from Tennessee

New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(615): New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs http://tfl.nu/ycoz

Replies (29) Good night (6031) Bad night (419) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(610): Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me http://tfl.nu/1f94

Replies (35) Good night (1340) Bad night (4313) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(785): View more from Kansas

I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(785): I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now. http://tfl.nu/22x1

Replies (21) Good night (5498) Bad night (456) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(310): View more from California

it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(310): it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls. http://tfl.nu/2hrl

Replies (30) Good night (9995) Bad night (611) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(617): shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick http://tfl.nu/i68n

Replies (71) Good night (17659) Bad night (3272) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(860): View more from Connecticut

Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(860): Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog http://tfl.nu/fdsx

Replies (27) Good night (1216) Bad night (6956) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(239): View more from Florida

it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(239): it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming. http://tfl.nu/ara4

Replies (39) Good night (4851) Bad night (519) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(216): View more from Ohio

wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?

(330): View more from Ohio

yes... and buy you lunch

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(216): wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer? (330): yes... and buy you lunch http://tfl.nu/rnfb

Replies (24) Good night (7634) Bad night (409)
Favorite
(903): View more from Texas

Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Me specifically?

(903): View more from Texas

Yep.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(903): Today in psych we learned that you are a whore. (1-314): Me specifically? (903): Yep. http://tfl.nu/w818

Replies (44) Good night (9122) Bad night (803)
Favorite
(314): View more from Missouri

I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(314): I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today. http://tfl.nu/ix6a

Replies (43) Good night (6726) Bad night (1031) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(252): View more from North Carolina

he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(252): he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox. http://tfl.nu/v0mm

Replies (45) Good night (8757) Bad night (2452) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(248): View more from Michigan

My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(248): My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend. http://tfl.nu/02a8

Replies (23) Good night (7665) Bad night (440) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(913): View more from Kansas

I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(913): I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America. http://tfl.nu/aex4

Replies (15) Good night (7153) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(605): View more from South Dakota

I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(605): I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry. http://tfl.nu/w271

Replies (10) Good night (4967) Bad night (711) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(732): you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy." http://tfl.nu/a1we

Replies (91) Good night (20558) Bad night (2710) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(703): View more from Virginia

Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

New charity walk idea!

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(703): Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished. (202): New charity walk idea! http://tfl.nu/skxt

Replies (31) Good night (12477) Bad night (546)
Favorite
(305): View more from Florida

It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(305): It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me. http://tfl.nu/n11o

Replies (46) Good night (2038) Bad night (7745)
Favorite
(510): View more from California

I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk

(415): View more from California

yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(510): I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk (415): yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts http://tfl.nu/5sxt

Replies (49) Good night (8023) Bad night (948)
Favorite
(519): View more from Ontario

When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(519): When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon. http://tfl.nu/7cpz

Replies (56) Good night (8101) Bad night (698) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(410): View more from Maryland

...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(410): ...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear... http://tfl.nu/jb6u

Replies (14) Good night (5867) Bad night (729) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(612): I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical. http://tfl.nu/d9c8

Replies (29) Good night (10658) Bad night (477) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(775): View more from Nevada

hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(775): hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class http://tfl.nu/hb3s

Replies (22) Good night (4693) Bad night (1011) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(724): I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard. http://tfl.nu/gkmc

Replies (62) Good night (9225) Bad night (1213) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(702): View more from Nevada

When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I've always been the spiritual type.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(702): When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion. (1-702): I've always been the spiritual type. http://tfl.nu/v0oc

Replies (27) Good night (7225) Bad night (534)
Favorite
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091

Replies (292) Good night (69184) Bad night (1984) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(515): View more from Iowa

Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(515): Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband. http://tfl.nu/y7jc

Replies (31) Good night (5505) Bad night (439) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(803): View more from South Carolina

that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(803): that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins http://tfl.nu/u9n2

Replies (23) Good night (7760) Bad night (609) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(931): Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other. (1-931): Wtf? What happened? (931): Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home. http://tfl.nu/q0zo

Replies (41) Good night (16671) Bad night (662)
Favorite
(301): View more from Maryland

I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(301): I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes http://tfl.nu/yjwe

Replies (32) Good night (5329) Bad night (942) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(720): View more from Colorado

i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(720): i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them http://tfl.nu/2pf7

Replies (2) Good night (4348) Bad night (503) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(313): View more from Michigan

I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(313): I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before. http://tfl.nu/lr8m

Replies (14) Good night (1406) Bad night (3201) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(315): View more from New York

You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(315): You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you. http://tfl.nu/rrga

Replies (16) Good night (6027) Bad night (385) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(480): View more from Arizona

I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(480): I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box.. http://tfl.nu/ei9f

Replies (32) Good night (1761) Bad night (4782)
Favorite
(678): View more from Georgia

stop calling my apartment porn island.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(678): stop calling my apartment porn island. http://tfl.nu/7ji0

Replies (15) Good night (4648) Bad night (481) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(304): View more from West Virginia

what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(304): what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea? http://tfl.nu/0ytw

Replies (9) Good night (1002) Bad night (4448) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(369): View more from California

I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(369): I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes. http://tfl.nu/u7kl

Replies (19) Good night (696) Bad night (4415) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(440): View more from Ohio

my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(440): my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that? http://tfl.nu/nj0k

Replies (31) Good night (5260) Bad night (337) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(917): View more from New York City

half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(917): half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country. http://tfl.nu/tafy

Replies (261) Good night (19724) Bad night (1788) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(514): View more from Quebec

He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(514): He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period. http://tfl.nu/yw8j

Replies (18) Good night (390) Bad night (4462) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(615): View more from Tennessee

my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(615): my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap. http://tfl.nu/2c94

Replies (27) Good night (4085) Bad night (615) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(512): View more from Texas

do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(512): do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule? http://tfl.nu/7un4

Replies (41) Good night (6560) Bad night (415) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(818): View more from California

he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(818): he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was.... http://tfl.nu/srrx

Replies (31) Good night (4432) Bad night (2829) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(678): View more from Georgia

We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(678): We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine. http://tfl.nu/3sll

Replies (29) Good night (722) Bad night (3965) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(450): View more from Quebec

Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(450): Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting. http://tfl.nu/m2ej

Replies (11) Good night (4097) Bad night (434) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(813): View more from Florida

running late. just ran over a dude on a bike

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(813): running late. just ran over a dude on a bike http://tfl.nu/e4pf

Replies (52) Good night (1869) Bad night (7776) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(516): View more from New York

I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(516): I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life. http://tfl.nu/0sjl

Replies (21) Good night (5162) Bad night (910) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(214): View more from Texas

You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(214): You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet. http://tfl.nu/ajf1

Replies (23) Good night (7135) Bad night (747)
Favorite
(504): View more from Louisiana

there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(504): there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now http://tfl.nu/squr

Replies (40) Good night (8880) Bad night (1039) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(252): View more from North Carolina

woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?

(816): View more from Missouri

i hope so.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(252): woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night? (816): i hope so. http://tfl.nu/2flb

Replies (18) Good night (5056) Bad night (1113)
Favorite
(407): View more from Florida

just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(407): just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic? http://tfl.nu/xncy

Replies (71) Good night (7671) Bad night (1235) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(479): View more from Arkansas

So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.

(307): View more from Wyoming

Haha. Niice.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.

(307): View more from Wyoming

both.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(479): So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack. (307): Haha. Niice. (479): Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered. (307): both. http://tfl.nu/wvm3

Replies (46) Good night (5683) Bad night (574)
Favorite
(208): View more from Idaho

Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.

(208): View more from Idaho

ha well at least you have goals.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(208): Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong. (208): ha well at least you have goals. http://tfl.nu/c71p

Replies (49) Good night (6639) Bad night (509)
Favorite
(804): View more from Virginia

my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.

(1-804): View more from Virginia

I'm on my way.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(804): my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now. (1-804): I'm on my way. http://tfl.nu/8nvt

Replies (28) Good night (6856) Bad night (694) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(630): View more from Illinois

i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(630): i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons. http://tfl.nu/sim9

Replies (38) Good night (4663) Bad night (589) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(504): View more from Louisiana

Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(504): Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair. http://tfl.nu/39w1

Replies (25) Good night (596) Bad night (6678) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(248): View more from Michigan

he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(248): he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was http://tfl.nu/zwm2

Replies (51) Good night (813) Bad night (8618)
Favorite
(765): View more from Indiana

I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(765): I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart. http://tfl.nu/xlbc

Replies (37) Good night (6518) Bad night (1290) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(419): View more from Ohio

dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(419): dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault" http://tfl.nu/a193

Replies (16) Good night (1213) Bad night (6071) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(281): View more from Texas

On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(281): On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do? http://tfl.nu/4exj

Replies (48) Good night (1198) Bad night (5670)
Favorite
(205): View more from Alabama

im getting a BJ in a closet

(205): View more from Alabama

and a penguin just handed me a bong

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(205): im getting a BJ in a closet (205): and a penguin just handed me a bong http://tfl.nu/oarm

Replies (60) Good night (11782) Bad night (582)
Favorite
(914): View more from New York

I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(914): I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world http://tfl.nu/9m7n

Replies (40) Good night (5475) Bad night (1306) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(717): If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one... http://tfl.nu/slb8

Replies (23) Good night (5625) Bad night (497) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(978): View more from Massachusetts

imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(978): imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with http://tfl.nu/3tvk

Replies (26) Good night (1175) Bad night (4664) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven. http://tfl.nu/hg3t

Replies (280) Good night (52343) Bad night (3941) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(214): View more from Texas

It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(214): It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire. http://tfl.nu/v2n0

Replies (19) Good night (5050) Bad night (1219) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(903): View more from Texas

u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?

(214): View more from Texas

Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(903): u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird? (214): Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb? http://tfl.nu/cbow

Replies (87) Good night (1405) Bad night (4813)
Favorite
(847): View more from Illinois

I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(847): I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto. http://tfl.nu/j5p7

Replies (56) Good night (3377) Bad night (1081) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(360): View more from Washington

You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(360): You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there. http://tfl.nu/r1ke

Replies (18) Good night (5047) Bad night (419)
Favorite
(250): View more from British Columbia

We got so high we made milksteak

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(250): We got so high we made milksteak http://tfl.nu/iyv5

Replies (45) Good night (4085) Bad night (1025) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(319): View more from Iowa

he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(319): he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me. http://tfl.nu/lhdj

Replies (53) Good night (769) Bad night (4218) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(425): View more from Washington

Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(425): Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap http://tfl.nu/z2b9

Replies (18) Good night (5100) Bad night (443) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(509): View more from Washington

I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(509): I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120. http://tfl.nu/oklb

Replies (19) Good night (929) Bad night (4739) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(513): View more from Ohio

Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(513): Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word http://tfl.nu/dxvq

Replies (57) Good night (3936) Bad night (800) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(614): View more from Ohio

you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(614): you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes http://tfl.nu/g514

Replies (11) Good night (4400) Bad night (530) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(248): View more from Michigan

Did you just see the Batmobile???

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(248): Did you just see the Batmobile??? http://tfl.nu/vqtz

Replies (24) Good night (5404) Bad night (329) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(863): View more from Florida

If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(863): If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat. http://tfl.nu/9rvo

Replies (21) Good night (663) Bad night (3412) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(705): View more from Ontario

You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(705): You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this". http://tfl.nu/puns

Replies (37) Good night (7977) Bad night (530) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(647): You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened. http://tfl.nu/1lek

Replies (32) Good night (17278) Bad night (531) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(678): View more from Georgia

Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(678): Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about http://tfl.nu/m34e

Replies (32) Good night (7425) Bad night (836) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(614): View more from Ohio

im so drunk with asians

(1-614): View more from Ohio

where?

(614): View more from Ohio

always

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(614): im so drunk with asians (1-614): where? (614): always http://tfl.nu/is91

Replies (43) Good night (7067) Bad night (477)
Favorite
(503): View more from Oregon

Swine flu is the new snow day.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(503): Swine flu is the new snow day. http://tfl.nu/92oq

Replies (24) Good night (6024) Bad night (623) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(615): View more from Tennessee

i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(615): i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat http://tfl.nu/x2jk

Replies (30) Good night (5568) Bad night (959) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(352): View more from Florida

You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(352): You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem. http://tfl.nu/rwe9

Replies (12) Good night (4712) Bad night (399) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(914): View more from New York

you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(914): you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue. http://tfl.nu/t2fn

Replies (9) Good night (4218) Bad night (939) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(949): View more from California

dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(949): dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat http://tfl.nu/yghv

Replies (18) Good night (4433) Bad night (330) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(818): View more from California

hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(818): hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win http://tfl.nu/nyog

Replies (14) Good night (7952) Bad night (375) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(651): View more from Minnesota

It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(651): It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks. http://tfl.nu/wi6e

Replies (12) Good night (413) Bad night (3503) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(850): View more from Florida

So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.

(850): View more from Florida

I guess we all know what he was cookin.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(850): So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines. (850): I guess we all know what he was cookin. http://tfl.nu/lvcl

Replies (15) Good night (862) Bad night (3665)
Favorite
(304): View more from West Virginia

just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(304): just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter. http://tfl.nu/doob

Replies (10) Good night (5012) Bad night (296) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(301): View more from Maryland

please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(301): please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk http://tfl.nu/n0hn

Replies (27) Good night (3920) Bad night (1286) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(709): I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again. http://tfl.nu/ujyy

Replies (19) Good night (5573) Bad night (404) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(630): View more from Illinois

she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(630): she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers. http://tfl.nu/u7sr

Replies (9) Good night (648) Bad night (4967) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(469): View more from Texas

you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(469): you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted. http://tfl.nu/d3cr

Replies (12) Good night (4943) Bad night (370) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(615): View more from Tennessee

i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(615): i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card. http://tfl.nu/6ciy

Replies (40) Good night (9231) Bad night (888) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(831): View more from California

I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(831): I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures. http://tfl.nu/n0ak

Replies (3) Good night (3238) Bad night (348) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(978): I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to? http://tfl.nu/b64u

Replies (21) Good night (3919) Bad night (493) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(269): View more from Michigan

im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(269): im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower http://tfl.nu/s38n

Replies (15) Good night (2888) Bad night (525) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(214): View more from Texas

In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(214): In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong. http://tfl.nu/vlez

Replies (29) Good night (7361) Bad night (524) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(971): View more from Oregon

So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(971): So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully" http://tfl.nu/lw3x

Replies (12) Good night (10074) Bad night (579) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(813): View more from Florida

I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(813): I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business??? http://tfl.nu/t2g2

Replies (22) Good night (4882) Bad night (454) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(631): im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies http://tfl.nu/qgfc

Replies (61) Good night (18549) Bad night (955) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(647): Get out of your relationship and into my pants. http://tfl.nu/sn5l

Replies (45) Good night (22271) Bad night (893) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(609): View more from New Jersey

i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(609): i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier. http://tfl.nu/075q

Replies (14) Good night (4212) Bad night (351) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(732): View more from New Jersey

I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(732): I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask http://tfl.nu/8bk4

Replies (11) Good night (4364) Bad night (416) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(914): View more from New York

i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(914): i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!" http://tfl.nu/2ify

Replies (16) Good night (6915) Bad night (565) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(218): View more from Minnesota

Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(218): Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house http://tfl.nu/lsbu

Replies (17) Good night (4665) Bad night (604) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(514): View more from Quebec

i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(514): i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty." http://tfl.nu/ecou

Replies (15) Good night (4571) Bad night (723) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(817): View more from Texas

Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(817): Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation http://tfl.nu/c4tn

Replies (37) Good night (1125) Bad night (4158) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(314): View more from Missouri

just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(314): just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college http://tfl.nu/eu7q

Replies (59) Good night (10685) Bad night (514) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(347): View more from New York

we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy

(203): View more from Connecticut

go home

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(347): we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy (203): go home http://tfl.nu/91uo

Replies (28) Good night (6622) Bad night (709)
Favorite
(414): View more from Wisconsin

and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(414): and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you. http://tfl.nu/lmfo

Replies (27) Good night (6010) Bad night (639) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(248): View more from Michigan

I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(248): I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch http://tfl.nu/y65i

Replies (78) Good night (11976) Bad night (489) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(404): I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced. http://tfl.nu/ok17

Replies (23) Good night (4767) Bad night (344)
Favorite
(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(864): I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen http://tfl.nu/n18y

Replies (34) Good night (6548) Bad night (1210) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(518): View more from New York

i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(518): i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good. http://tfl.nu/b46x

Replies (44) Good night (9725) Bad night (428) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(914): View more from New York

explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(914): explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts? http://tfl.nu/duu8

Replies (15) Good night (3707) Bad night (620) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(615): View more from Tennessee

Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(615): Tell your boobs to stop staring at me. http://tfl.nu/zl8p

Replies (30) Good night (4986) Bad night (457) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(732): View more from New Jersey

I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(732): I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at http://tfl.nu/9oei

Replies (20) Good night (4434) Bad night (325) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(480): View more from Arizona

I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(480): I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in http://tfl.nu/axx9

Replies (12) Good night (442) Bad night (4206) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(801): View more from Utah

Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(801): Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room. http://tfl.nu/l3xg

Replies (61) Good night (5010) Bad night (2040) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(404): View more from Georgia

"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(404): "auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made http://tfl.nu/y4iq

Replies (23) Good night (602) Bad night (4421) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(551): View more from New Jersey

Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(551): Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva http://tfl.nu/0m5z

Replies (84) Good night (5090) Bad night (1379) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(925): View more from California

remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(925): remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight http://tfl.nu/zwys

Replies (18) Good night (570) Bad night (3440) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(913): View more from Kansas

the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(913): the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job http://tfl.nu/faar

Replies (24) Good night (6350) Bad night (336) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(714): View more from California

i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(714): i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto? http://tfl.nu/tdft

Replies (17) Good night (3990) Bad night (827) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(847): View more from Illinois

So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(847): So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college? http://tfl.nu/onzy

Replies (37) Good night (5130) Bad night (656) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(647): View more from Ontario

So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(647): So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me. http://tfl.nu/qz95

Replies (19) Good night (5119) Bad night (456)
Favorite
(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(505): Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse. http://tfl.nu/nlhf

Replies (41) Good night (29535) Bad night (616) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(914): View more from New York

I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(914): I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit". http://tfl.nu/lyvs

Replies (19) Good night (6626) Bad night (458) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(425): View more from Washington

Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(425): Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine. http://tfl.nu/qnyh

Replies (27) Good night (1433) Bad night (3953)
Favorite
(602): View more from Arizona

I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(602): I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs" http://tfl.nu/3iif

Replies (19) Good night (3407) Bad night (391) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(405): I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween. http://tfl.nu/pkl3

Replies (20) Good night (5637) Bad night (347) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(713): View more from Texas

Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(713): Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave? http://tfl.nu/a6k0

Replies (13) Good night (4203) Bad night (473) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(330): View more from Ohio

Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(330): Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy. http://tfl.nu/mi86

Replies (85) Good night (1819) Bad night (5926) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(512): View more from Texas

remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(512): remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning http://tfl.nu/4vog

Replies (15) Good night (1019) Bad night (3366) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(410): View more from Maryland

i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(410): i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in. http://tfl.nu/63c6

Replies (39) Good night (4027) Bad night (652) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(740): View more from Ohio

the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(740): the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best. http://tfl.nu/5k82

Replies (25) Good night (7009) Bad night (582) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss

Replies (130) Good night (57785) Bad night (1338) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(407): View more from Florida

i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(407): i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume. http://tfl.nu/l5xu

Replies (31) Good night (9604) Bad night (899) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(860): View more from Connecticut

I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(860): I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen http://tfl.nu/pyhr

Replies (59) Good night (6028) Bad night (739) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(909): View more from California

flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(909): flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart http://tfl.nu/bteu

Replies (17) Good night (4703) Bad night (1625) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(630): I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important http://tfl.nu/7wts

Replies (36) Good night (16837) Bad night (533) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(570): A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off http://tfl.nu/1xmy

Replies (13) Good night (6340) Bad night (853) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(603): I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now http://tfl.nu/6uxz

Replies (20) Good night (4729) Bad night (389) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(912): View more from Georgia

you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(912): you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler. http://tfl.nu/cu8r

Replies (9) Good night (4236) Bad night (428) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(651): View more from Minnesota

make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(651): make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS. (1-651): I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much. http://tfl.nu/xzl0

Replies (40) Good night (3581) Bad night (4738) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(252): View more from North Carolina

I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(252): I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME. http://tfl.nu/1mf6

Replies (94) Good night (17704) Bad night (2465) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8

Replies (76) Good night (41853) Bad night (1332) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(720): View more from Colorado

I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(720): I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands... http://tfl.nu/51q8

Replies (25) Good night (1102) Bad night (3781) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(807): View more from Ontario

I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(807): I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina. http://tfl.nu/rpnu

Replies (46) Good night (6985) Bad night (694) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(443): View more from Maryland

Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(443): Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help? http://tfl.nu/kek4

Replies (8) Good night (1007) Bad night (2664) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(440): View more from Ohio

so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(440): so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce http://tfl.nu/bsub

Replies (22) Good night (2768) Bad night (994) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(954): View more from Florida

you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(954): you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you. http://tfl.nu/vwt4

Replies (21) Good night (5950) Bad night (469) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(203): View more from Connecticut

I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(203): I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust. http://tfl.nu/xny1

Replies (31) Good night (3732) Bad night (494) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(512): View more from Texas

Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(512): Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had. http://tfl.nu/4hqu

Replies (30) Good night (7960) Bad night (461) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(516): View more from New York

I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(516): I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory http://tfl.nu/t9t2

Replies (21) Good night (10537) Bad night (447) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(904): View more from Florida

Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(904): Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass. http://tfl.nu/z3do

Replies (12) Good night (3046) Bad night (573) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(860): View more from Connecticut

she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(860): she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner" http://tfl.nu/hbdd

Replies (38) Good night (5587) Bad night (389) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(618): View more from Illinois

he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(618): he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever. http://tfl.nu/csmh

Replies (14) Good night (4538) Bad night (387) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(978): View more from Massachusetts

my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(978): my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck. http://tfl.nu/9a64

Replies (17) Good night (440) Bad night (3538) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(224): View more from Illinois

U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(224): U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here. http://tfl.nu/6777

Replies (57) Good night (594) Bad night (3628) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(845): View more from New York

I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(845): I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt. http://tfl.nu/j6pk

Replies (9) Good night (434) Bad night (2289) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(602): View more from Arizona

you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(602): you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer. http://tfl.nu/7uxe

Replies (16) Good night (5870) Bad night (330) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(408): View more from California

just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(408): just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious http://tfl.nu/av2y

Replies (11) Good night (4317) Bad night (374) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(701): View more from North Dakota

My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(701): My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying. http://tfl.nu/rpdb

Replies (32) Good night (6774) Bad night (438) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(778): View more from British Columbia

Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(778): Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world' http://tfl.nu/vm9t

Replies (8) Good night (6800) Bad night (547) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(651): View more from Minnesota

I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(651): I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all. http://tfl.nu/rpqm

Replies (9) Good night (3804) Bad night (881) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(708): View more from Illinois

he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(708): he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet http://tfl.nu/enn5

Replies (40) Good night (6114) Bad night (354) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(610): connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear http://tfl.nu/s27e

Replies (22) Good night (2880) Bad night (542) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(330): View more from Ohio

Fuck 8am classes

(330): View more from Ohio

Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(330): Fuck 8am classes (330): Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes http://tfl.nu/x2hf

Replies (15) Good night (3827) Bad night (1301)
Favorite
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Since when do you wear a bracelet?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(508): Since when do you wear a bracelet? (603): Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs http://tfl.nu/cgne

Replies (11) Good night (5453) Bad night (449)
Favorite
(330): View more from Ohio

I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(330): I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included. http://tfl.nu/hd7g

Replies (32) Good night (6129) Bad night (522) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(570): I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document http://tfl.nu/k2y9

Replies (49) Good night (979) Bad night (5791) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(319): View more from Iowa

Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(319): Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move http://tfl.nu/sk1v

Replies (15) Good night (4252) Bad night (339) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(541): View more from Oregon

dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(541): dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed http://tfl.nu/93gi

Replies (45) Good night (1995) Bad night (10720) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(847): View more from Illinois

Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(847): Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot. http://tfl.nu/nyh6

Replies (41) Good night (4272) Bad night (635) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(631): View more from New York

we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(631): we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!" http://tfl.nu/dw66

Replies (15) Good night (3141) Bad night (660)
Favorite
(843): View more from South Carolina

Hm. I declare blue a flavor.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(843): Hm. I declare blue a flavor. http://tfl.nu/1q5w

Replies (58) Good night (6424) Bad night (415) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(301): View more from Maryland

We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(301): We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope. http://tfl.nu/4d9q

Replies (28) Good night (5153) Bad night (352)
Favorite
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(215): you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off http://tfl.nu/9bti

Replies (86) Good night (1163) Bad night (9990) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(610): You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck http://tfl.nu/4xap

Replies (35) Good night (6116) Bad night (1065) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(530): View more from California

We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(530): We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef? http://tfl.nu/bmpn

Replies (12) Good night (3839) Bad night (424) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(434): View more from Virginia

you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(434): you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek" http://tfl.nu/8u1v

Replies (10) Good night (3450) Bad night (691) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(315): View more from New York

well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(315): well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her http://tfl.nu/gcpo

Replies (11) Good night (994) Bad night (3961) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(859): View more from Kentucky

Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(859): Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi! http://tfl.nu/jfyt

Replies (23) Good night (6533) Bad night (637) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(412): dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop http://tfl.nu/q8xc

Replies (18) Good night (6343) Bad night (420) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(612): View more from Minnesota

I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(612): I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement. http://tfl.nu/3cr8

Replies (27) Good night (5488) Bad night (555)
Favorite
(530): View more from California

I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(530): I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store. http://tfl.nu/ogm6

Replies (18) Good night (1085) Bad night (3798) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(917): View more from New York City

and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(917): and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter. http://tfl.nu/zjf3

Replies (25) Good night (816) Bad night (3700) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(760): View more from California

fuck your aforementioned shoe

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(760): fuck your aforementioned shoe http://tfl.nu/6ubu

Replies (27) Good night (4245) Bad night (434) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(407): View more from Florida

Me and my dog bond so much when im high.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(407): Me and my dog bond so much when im high. http://tfl.nu/9nf2

Replies (66) Good night (7138) Bad night (619) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(330): View more from Ohio

So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(330): So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol http://tfl.nu/6yav

Replies (79) Good night (4460) Bad night (1563)
Favorite
(214): View more from Texas

ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(214): ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it. http://tfl.nu/o4vn

Replies (7) Good night (3450) Bad night (422) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(510): View more from California

i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(510): i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me http://tfl.nu/jfl6

Replies (65) Good night (1747) Bad night (11891)
Favorite
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(814): i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit. http://tfl.nu/riqs

Replies (72) Good night (4350) Bad night (728) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(812): View more from Indiana

A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(812): A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time. http://tfl.nu/hpfk

Replies (38) Good night (4915) Bad night (393) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(715): View more from Wisconsin

sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(715): sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night http://tfl.nu/ih63

Replies (5) Good night (4352) Bad night (513) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(419): View more from Ohio

You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(419): You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean..... http://tfl.nu/ti18

Replies (14) Good night (4575) Bad night (546) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(269): View more from Michigan

i think the cat found all the blow we lost...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(269): i think the cat found all the blow we lost... http://tfl.nu/uqm6

Replies (31) Good night (1249) Bad night (5363) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(303): View more from Colorado

You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(303): You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you. http://tfl.nu/1hxd

Replies (22) Good night (4529) Bad night (702) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(513): View more from Ohio

Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.

(513): View more from Ohio

She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(513): Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen. (1-513): She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do. (513): She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses. http://tfl.nu/52u6

Replies (35) Good night (1204) Bad night (4648)
Favorite
(402): View more from Nebraska

They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(402): They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman" http://tfl.nu/zber

Replies (36) Good night (3510) Bad night (576) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(425): View more from Washington

My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(425): My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed http://tfl.nu/4mh9

Replies (13) Good night (4762) Bad night (942)
Favorite
(661): View more from California

a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(661): a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet http://tfl.nu/xcx4

Replies (36) Good night (3712) Bad night (922) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night http://tfl.nu/f5gl

Replies (92) Good night (30929) Bad night (1346)
Favorite
(916): View more from California

You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(916): You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you.. http://tfl.nu/8fyi

Replies (24) Good night (687) Bad night (8892) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(559): View more from California

I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(559): I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day? http://tfl.nu/b9nt

Replies (180) Good night (20246) Bad night (2385) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(631): View more from New York

You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(631): You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu http://tfl.nu/9ul0

Replies (14) Good night (2131) Bad night (3770) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

there needs to be a build-a-bong store...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(267): there needs to be a build-a-bong store... http://tfl.nu/zpe9

Replies (53) Good night (8785) Bad night (683) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(254): View more from Texas

I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(254): I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer... http://tfl.nu/1ty6

Replies (28) Good night (2947) Bad night (6096) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(304): View more from West Virginia

hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(304): hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun http://tfl.nu/jcw4

Replies (16) Good night (3893) Bad night (367) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(330): View more from Ohio

We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(330): We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times. http://tfl.nu/361k

Replies (38) Good night (4627) Bad night (612)
Favorite
(952): View more from Minnesota

he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(952): he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting. http://tfl.nu/x0uv

Replies (5) Good night (4772) Bad night (482) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(586): View more from Michigan

you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(586): you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN. http://tfl.nu/e12h

Replies (38) Good night (616) Bad night (6339) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(709): you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub http://tfl.nu/5cjl

Replies (20) Good night (4833) Bad night (637) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(909): View more from California

Would you still love me if I had no teeth

(1-909): View more from California

Yeah why?

(909): View more from California

Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(909): Would you still love me if I had no teeth (1-909): Yeah why? (909): Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone http://tfl.nu/a6a1

Replies (34) Good night (1197) Bad night (11343)
Favorite
(949): View more from California

if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(949): if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous http://tfl.nu/ia7j

Replies (28) Good night (8668) Bad night (762)
Favorite
(506): View more from New Brunswick

porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(506): porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off! http://tfl.nu/nmc3

Replies (28) Good night (5559) Bad night (548) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(812): View more from Indiana

They have edible shot glasses at target.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

There really is a God.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(812): They have edible shot glasses at target. (1-812): There really is a God. http://tfl.nu/0gpe

Replies (24) Good night (5765) Bad night (351) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(240): View more from Maryland

And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(240): And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender. http://tfl.nu/1lfm

Replies (8) Good night (6030) Bad night (367) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(662): View more from Mississippi

We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(662): We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac. http://tfl.nu/8ele

Replies (19) Good night (5733) Bad night (451) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(908): View more from New Jersey

is wine microwaveable?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(908): is wine microwaveable? http://tfl.nu/o7ks

Replies (24) Good night (690) Bad night (5104) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(314): View more from Missouri

I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(314): I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis. http://tfl.nu/ymag

Replies (16) Good night (4723) Bad night (385) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(516): View more from New York

Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(516): Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you http://tfl.nu/9qq5

Replies (39) Good night (5994) Bad night (562) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(512): View more from Texas

you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(512): you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried http://tfl.nu/gu6n

Replies (131) Good night (5790) Bad night (6953) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(708): View more from Illinois

You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(708): You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie. http://tfl.nu/ufjq

Replies (13) Good night (1748) Bad night (2515) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(304): View more from West Virginia

You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(304): You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces". http://tfl.nu/rjzc

Replies (5) Good night (3674) Bad night (901) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(253): View more from Washington

i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(253): i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class? http://tfl.nu/um7r

Replies (46) Good night (1890) Bad night (4442) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(215): Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them. http://tfl.nu/quds

Replies (19) Good night (5541) Bad night (530)
Favorite
(651): View more from Minnesota

i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(651): i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen. http://tfl.nu/ur6p

Replies (28) Good night (8424) Bad night (448) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(304): View more from West Virginia

you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(304): you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life http://tfl.nu/wcmr

Replies (12) Good night (5656) Bad night (520) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(305): View more from Florida

The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(305): The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service. http://tfl.nu/dlye

Replies (89) Good night (10953) Bad night (490) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(912): View more from Georgia

I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(912): I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight. http://tfl.nu/g7kq

Replies (31) Good night (7071) Bad night (482) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(860): View more from Connecticut

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(860): Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god. http://tfl.nu/co52

Replies (30) Good night (1140) Bad night (9862) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(508): Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower http://tfl.nu/74dl

Replies (21) Good night (9075) Bad night (370) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(636): View more from Missouri

we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(636): we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle" http://tfl.nu/m65a

Replies (17) Good night (6785) Bad night (560) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(320): View more from Minnesota

so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(320): so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville.. http://tfl.nu/vgyl

Replies (38) Good night (1590) Bad night (5065) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(305): View more from Florida

Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(305): Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere. http://tfl.nu/rhba

Replies (22) Good night (938) Bad night (6334) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(518): View more from New York

wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(518): wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision http://tfl.nu/37aw

Replies (11) Good night (5654) Bad night (335) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(904): View more from Florida

my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(904): my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK. http://tfl.nu/twe7

Replies (96) Good night (7278) Bad night (676) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(847): View more from Illinois

I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(847): I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware. http://tfl.nu/l9zj

Replies (13) Good night (1231) Bad night (3630) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(518): View more from New York

just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(518): just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her http://tfl.nu/hb22

Replies (74) Good night (8563) Bad night (716) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(510): View more from California

You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(510): You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying http://tfl.nu/xlhu

Replies (25) Good night (1759) Bad night (5699)
Favorite
(970): View more from Colorado

I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(970): I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina http://tfl.nu/bmhg

Replies (100) Good night (6208) Bad night (1997) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(956): View more from Texas

It was like little house on the drunk prairie.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(956): It was like little house on the drunk prairie. http://tfl.nu/6z1y

Replies (3) Good night (3216) Bad night (442) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(703): View more from Virginia

the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Wow. You named your rash.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(703): the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch. (717): Wow. You named your rash. http://tfl.nu/cxl6

Replies (22) Good night (608) Bad night (3704)
Favorite
(817): View more from Texas

The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(817): The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen. http://tfl.nu/gj69

Replies (38) Good night (12214) Bad night (876) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(614): View more from Ohio

you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(614): you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers" http://tfl.nu/unf8

Replies (13) Good night (4368) Bad night (512) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(253): View more from Washington

DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(253): DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge? http://tfl.nu/bwm6

Replies (40) Good night (6399) Bad night (578) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(228): View more from Mississippi

Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!

(1-228): View more from Mississippi

brownberry?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(228): Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!! (1-228): brownberry? http://tfl.nu/y1s8

Replies (19) Good night (1075) Bad night (5687) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(519): View more from Ontario

Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(519): Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil. http://tfl.nu/3ein

Replies (67) Good night (11602) Bad night (688) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(651): View more from Minnesota

I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(651): I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then http://tfl.nu/awn6

Replies (9) Good night (398) Bad night (4054) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(703): View more from Virginia

in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(703): in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry. http://tfl.nu/nber

Replies (2) Good night (4040) Bad night (501) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(630): View more from Illinois

i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(630): i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom http://tfl.nu/c6lg

Replies (17) Good night (1385) Bad night (4198) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(828): View more from North Carolina

you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(828): you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie http://tfl.nu/vbyw

Replies (36) Good night (5847) Bad night (1205) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(785): View more from Kansas

it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(785): it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string.. http://tfl.nu/4pq8

Replies (28) Good night (487) Bad night (6992) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(917): View more from New York City

I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(917): I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant. http://tfl.nu/wa98

Replies (26) Good night (6433) Bad night (506) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(732): View more from New Jersey

wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(732): wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative! http://tfl.nu/b5c4

Replies (67) Good night (6610) Bad night (812) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(580): View more from Oklahoma

That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(580): That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything. http://tfl.nu/fbvq

Replies (77) Good night (2286) Bad night (4601) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(337): View more from Louisiana

Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(337): Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again. http://tfl.nu/uobp

Replies (17) Good night (3519) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(310): View more from California

Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(310): Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING http://tfl.nu/6fv4

Replies (24) Good night (804) Bad night (8512) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(727): View more from Florida

She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(727): She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek. http://tfl.nu/rrn9

Replies (117) Good night (2761) Bad night (11345)
Favorite
(618): View more from Illinois

bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(618): bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented http://tfl.nu/qz6v

Replies (35) Good night (6960) Bad night (1101) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(404): View more from Georgia

I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer

(678): View more from Georgia

you spelled her name wrong

(404): View more from Georgia

not you too!!

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(404): I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer (678): you spelled her name wrong (404): not you too!! http://tfl.nu/woxr

Replies (49) Good night (1367) Bad night (4323)
Favorite
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would be honored to be that friend.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(978): I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people (617): I would be honored to be that friend. http://tfl.nu/ohrl

Replies (22) Good night (5641) Bad night (428)
Favorite
(718): View more from New York

walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(718): walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :) http://tfl.nu/3uv4

Replies (36) Good night (5746) Bad night (369) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(806): View more from Texas

Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(806): Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks. http://tfl.nu/pxy6

Replies (24) Good night (1403) Bad night (4283) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(312): View more from Illinois

i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(312): i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it http://tfl.nu/tzqh

Replies (92) Good night (7131) Bad night (1731) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(502): View more from Kentucky

I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(502): I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer http://tfl.nu/cllh

Replies (118) Good night (22193) Bad night (1988) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(805): View more from California

Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(805): Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are http://tfl.nu/ste8

Replies (16) Good night (6251) Bad night (423) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(520): View more from Arizona

just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(520): just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon?? http://tfl.nu/c1fp

Replies (33) Good night (10209) Bad night (765) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(410): I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis" http://tfl.nu/6z4n

Replies (29) Good night (12257) Bad night (650) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(716): View more from New York

Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(716): Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time. http://tfl.nu/ytyv

Replies (79) Good night (7080) Bad night (1115)
Favorite
(818): View more from California

So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(818): So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice http://tfl.nu/dh5p

Replies (94) Good night (8581) Bad night (555)
Favorite
(512): View more from Texas

I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(512): I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood' http://tfl.nu/xp6j

Replies (14) Good night (1690) Bad night (6656) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(306): I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom. http://tfl.nu/90oj

Replies (32) Good night (1087) Bad night (4624) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(985): View more from Louisiana

I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(985): I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies. http://tfl.nu/mtcu

Replies (50) Good night (6369) Bad night (570) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(239): View more from Florida

Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(239): Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread. http://tfl.nu/62jg

Replies (18) Good night (7446) Bad night (609) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(803): View more from South Carolina

i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(803): i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move. http://tfl.nu/ml5e

Replies (15) Good night (1209) Bad night (4217) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(314): View more from Missouri

my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(314): my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them http://tfl.nu/57b7

Replies (7) Good night (3158) Bad night (952) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(419): View more from Ohio

How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(419): How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles? http://tfl.nu/1dpq

Replies (12) Good night (850) Bad night (3741) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(847): View more from Illinois

just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(847): just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this. http://tfl.nu/dz42

Replies (30) Good night (4487) Bad night (797) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(+44): View more from England

He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(+44): He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober. http://tfl.nu/8esm

Replies (70) Good night (1464) Bad night (7273) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(304): View more from West Virginia

ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(304): ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to? http://tfl.nu/yov7

Replies (25) Good night (673) Bad night (2517) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(917): View more from New York City

No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(917): No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list. http://tfl.nu/e3d0

Replies (22) Good night (4655) Bad night (349) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(856): View more from New Jersey

just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(856): just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better. http://tfl.nu/p7cf

Replies (28) Good night (7602) Bad night (507)
Favorite
(201): View more from New Jersey

we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(201): we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me http://tfl.nu/mhrn

Replies (34) Good night (470) Bad night (4720) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(917): View more from New York City

My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(917): My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva". http://tfl.nu/2q86

Replies (25) Good night (4544) Bad night (1541) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(954): View more from Florida

I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(954): I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa http://tfl.nu/4mlw

Replies (79) Good night (13444) Bad night (635) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(602): View more from Arizona

I am full of burrito and curiosity

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(602): I am full of burrito and curiosity http://tfl.nu/k856

Replies (24) Good night (5092) Bad night (448) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(660): View more from Missouri

Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart

(281): View more from Texas

What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?

(660): View more from Missouri

Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(660): Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart (281): What theme did he decide on for the bathroom? (660): Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni http://tfl.nu/hovp

Replies (19) Good night (4836) Bad night (596)
Favorite
(530): View more from California

just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(530): just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life http://tfl.nu/64wx

Replies (28) Good night (7407) Bad night (440) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(310): View more from California

Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.

(310): View more from California

Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(310): Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her. (310): Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse. http://tfl.nu/0qfy

Replies (18) Good night (4281) Bad night (1366)
Favorite
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I love tequila.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(902): WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?! (1-902): I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey. (1-902): I love tequila. http://tfl.nu/s92h

Replies (46) Good night (6498) Bad night (577)
Favorite
(704): View more from North Carolina

Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(704): Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker. http://tfl.nu/w3ss

Replies (30) Good night (7459) Bad night (762)
Favorite
(513): View more from Ohio

he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(513): he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down http://tfl.nu/ig2f

Replies (8) Good night (6344) Bad night (971) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(972): View more from Texas

Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(972): Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife. http://tfl.nu/0n10

Replies (7) Good night (4428) Bad night (940) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(601): View more from Mississippi

your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(601): your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible... http://tfl.nu/v1vf

Replies (33) Good night (6715) Bad night (831) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(908): did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp. http://tfl.nu/a6do

Replies (40) Good night (20360) Bad night (789)
Favorite
(912): View more from Georgia

you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(912): you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right? http://tfl.nu/mqjb

Replies (19) Good night (1874) Bad night (5943) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(803): View more from South Carolina

The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(803): The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german.... http://tfl.nu/l2d8

Replies (41) Good night (12329) Bad night (693) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(612): View more from Minnesota

My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(612): My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome! http://tfl.nu/2tqo

Replies (79) Good night (17265) Bad night (602)
Favorite
(845): View more from New York

Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(845): Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science. http://tfl.nu/ee2g

Replies (20) Good night (6699) Bad night (422) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(315): View more from New York

can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(315): can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet http://tfl.nu/ofc9

Replies (13) Good night (4627) Bad night (378) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(310): View more from California

A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(310): A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am. http://tfl.nu/d1e6

Replies (111) Good night (9550) Bad night (1483) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(914): View more from New York

i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(914): i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed. http://tfl.nu/dx0g

Replies (29) Good night (368) Bad night (5616) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(484): Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here. http://tfl.nu/jyp5

Replies (14) Good night (7616) Bad night (488) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(650): View more from California

How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(650): How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list? http://tfl.nu/v2ct

Replies (28) Good night (951) Bad night (4468) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(605): View more from South Dakota

you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(605): you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out? http://tfl.nu/fgrz

Replies (59) Good night (9181) Bad night (523) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(812): View more from Indiana

The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.

(317): View more from Indiana

Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.

(812): View more from Indiana

Ah, my reputation precedes me.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(812): The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me. (317): Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around. (812): Ah, my reputation precedes me. http://tfl.nu/vl1p

Replies (25) Good night (1413) Bad night (4130)
Favorite
(618): View more from Illinois

We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(618): We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him. http://tfl.nu/xg0w

Replies (23) Good night (10222) Bad night (570)
Favorite
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(717): some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on http://tfl.nu/6iv3

Replies (24) Good night (7198) Bad night (547) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(910): View more from North Carolina

dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(910): dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her? http://tfl.nu/5pe0

Replies (39) Good night (6993) Bad night (1375) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(601): View more from Mississippi

You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(601): You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa http://tfl.nu/lg9x

Replies (33) Good night (7284) Bad night (733) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(478): View more from Georgia

tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(478): tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid http://tfl.nu/h4uf

Replies (9) Good night (3318) Bad night (346) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(585): View more from New York

Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(585): Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone http://tfl.nu/rrl6

Replies (3) Good night (3949) Bad night (666) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(978): Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before? http://tfl.nu/qhly

Replies (28) Good night (446) Bad night (6009) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

We need to start having sex underwater more often.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(570): We need to start having sex underwater more often. http://tfl.nu/04ms

Replies (19) Good night (5625) Bad night (432) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(843): View more from South Carolina

He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(843): He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat. http://tfl.nu/b45i

Replies (29) Good night (4990) Bad night (529) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(313): View more from Michigan

So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(313): So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale. http://tfl.nu/y4yj

Replies (48) Good night (19759) Bad night (648)
Favorite
(908): View more from New Jersey

Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(908): Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got. http://tfl.nu/yeqj

Replies (12) Good night (1053) Bad night (3801) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I need new friends

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(508): Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag (508): I need new friends http://tfl.nu/z8hc

Replies (82) Good night (790) Bad night (7487)
Favorite
(970): View more from Colorado

I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(970): I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that. http://tfl.nu/622i

Replies (20) Good night (2141) Bad night (4385) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(970): View more from Colorado

she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(970): she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation http://tfl.nu/xd2t

Replies (23) Good night (5747) Bad night (808) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(760): View more from California

Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(760): Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get? http://tfl.nu/1t41

Replies (12) Good night (3598) Bad night (419) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(347): View more from New York

we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(347): we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this http://tfl.nu/0jv4

Replies (30) Good night (4995) Bad night (372) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(847): View more from Illinois

I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(847): I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore. http://tfl.nu/qnk6

Replies (32) Good night (828) Bad night (4565) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(260): View more from Indiana

i just snorted my name. best moment ever

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(260): i just snorted my name. best moment ever http://tfl.nu/gtkr

Replies (44) Good night (2275) Bad night (2852) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(802): View more from Vermont

you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(802): you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin http://tfl.nu/5vsk

Replies (15) Good night (4657) Bad night (751)
Favorite
(248): View more from Michigan

I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(248): I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm http://tfl.nu/t2ln

Replies (105) Good night (8701) Bad night (950) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(419): View more from Ohio

It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(419): It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth http://tfl.nu/totm

Replies (56) Good night (6527) Bad night (1189) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(651): View more from Minnesota

how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(651): how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night. http://tfl.nu/2trw

Replies (47) Good night (8145) Bad night (517) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(978): View more from Massachusetts

your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(978): your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop. http://tfl.nu/x1i9

Replies (12) Good night (5035) Bad night (662)
Favorite
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(709): His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs" http://tfl.nu/qi7o

Replies (27) Good night (4824) Bad night (1216) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(571): View more from Virginia

the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(571): the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans. http://tfl.nu/yvak

Replies (48) Good night (6269) Bad night (742) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(913): View more from Kansas

Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(913): Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline. http://tfl.nu/h7vn

Replies (15) Good night (2866) Bad night (687)
Favorite
(607): View more from New York

I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(607): I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome. http://tfl.nu/vi3x

Replies (32) Good night (9692) Bad night (552) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(612): View more from Minnesota

Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(612): Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place. http://tfl.nu/cfbh

Replies (19) Good night (789) Bad night (4562) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(229): View more from Georgia

Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(229): Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment. http://tfl.nu/tuh7

Replies (39) Good night (11386) Bad night (473) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(765): View more from Indiana

4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(765): 4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84. http://tfl.nu/2w31

Replies (35) Good night (5376) Bad night (362) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(708): View more from Illinois

nutella sex= disaster

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(708): nutella sex= disaster http://tfl.nu/zj5e

Replies (26) Good night (779) Bad night (5126) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(904): View more from Florida

i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(904): i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school http://tfl.nu/ysoe

Replies (59) Good night (9758) Bad night (653) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(602): View more from Arizona

So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(602): So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby. http://tfl.nu/ia9y

Replies (46) Good night (3545) Bad night (1332) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(617): I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster. http://tfl.nu/4sze

Replies (45) Good night (4889) Bad night (791) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(212): View more from New York

I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(212): I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it. http://tfl.nu/1ysm

Replies (22) Good night (7173) Bad night (601) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(404): View more from Georgia

best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(404): best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures http://tfl.nu/m84y

Replies (28) Good night (3398) Bad night (657) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(847): View more from Illinois

stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(847): stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever http://tfl.nu/se2n

Replies (47) Good night (6522) Bad night (676)
Favorite
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(814): Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade. http://tfl.nu/7055

Replies (49) Good night (1216) Bad night (7271)
Favorite
(719): View more from Colorado

Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(719): Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete. http://tfl.nu/49zr

Replies (20) Good night (5666) Bad night (614) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(906): View more from Michigan

The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(906): The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock. http://tfl.nu/nnn9

Replies (6) Good night (600) Bad night (3296) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(201): View more from New Jersey

kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(201): kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success. http://tfl.nu/o0d4

Replies (44) Good night (6441) Bad night (1558) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(713): View more from Texas

on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(713): on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left http://tfl.nu/gb7d

Replies (56) Good night (12631) Bad night (784) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(708): View more from Illinois

so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(708): so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened. http://tfl.nu/8b76

Replies (33) Good night (3567) Bad night (1521) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(408): View more from California

I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(408): I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on http://tfl.nu/ydv9

Replies (7) Good night (4408) Bad night (715) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(608): View more from Wisconsin

so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(608): so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!" http://tfl.nu/79w8

Replies (37) Good night (9429) Bad night (1867) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(217): View more from Illinois

you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(217): you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012 http://tfl.nu/jiqa

Replies (20) Good night (5891) Bad night (785) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(651): View more from Minnesota

we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(651): we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers http://tfl.nu/z5gf

Replies (43) Good night (6220) Bad night (474) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(303): View more from Colorado

You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(303): You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty" http://tfl.nu/y2bi

Replies (21) Good night (815) Bad night (5643) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(603): View more from New Hampshire

i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(603): i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning http://tfl.nu/3q6t

Replies (10) Good night (816) Bad night (4091) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(313): View more from Michigan

i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(313): i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried. http://tfl.nu/0j7l

Replies (59) Good night (1435) Bad night (5135) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(831): View more from California

just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(831): just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf http://tfl.nu/faeb

Replies (52) Good night (16355) Bad night (645) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(518): View more from New York

I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(518): I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room. http://tfl.nu/qe4u

Replies (22) Good night (6348) Bad night (719) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(218): View more from Minnesota

you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(218): you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey" http://tfl.nu/pjur

Replies (24) Good night (6154) Bad night (1004) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(404): View more from Georgia

Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

did you answer or finish?

(404): View more from Georgia

both

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(404): Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called? (1-404): did you answer or finish? (404): both http://tfl.nu/gzoz

Replies (27) Good night (7093) Bad night (779)
Favorite
(530): View more from California

the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(530): the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo http://tfl.nu/dqpo

Replies (25) Good night (10116) Bad night (896) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(985): View more from Louisiana

And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(985): And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair http://tfl.nu/0fee

Replies (16) Good night (6012) Bad night (579) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(412): I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf http://tfl.nu/qrcf

Replies (28) Good night (4013) Bad night (1345) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(407): View more from Florida

i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(407): i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem http://tfl.nu/l5fk

Replies (50) Good night (8410) Bad night (723) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(204): View more from Manitoba

you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(204): you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun" http://tfl.nu/u1ro

Replies (34) Good night (7218) Bad night (798) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(413): Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever. http://tfl.nu/3v3s

Replies (54) Good night (8545) Bad night (1234) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(951): View more from California

My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(951): My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate? http://tfl.nu/77q7

Replies (77) Good night (6711) Bad night (894) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(817): View more from Texas

i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(817): i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side http://tfl.nu/uejy

Replies (54) Good night (9613) Bad night (1359) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(916): View more from California

They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(916): They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door. http://tfl.nu/s1xt

Replies (23) Good night (6018) Bad night (698) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(650): View more from California

Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(650): Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers http://tfl.nu/4ij8

Replies (64) Good night (8705) Bad night (643) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(203): View more from Connecticut

Some milfs here doing some blow

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Dad?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(203): Some milfs here doing some blow (1-203): Dad? http://tfl.nu/14p7

Replies (64) Good night (3432) Bad night (7894) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(586): View more from Michigan

Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(586): Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now. http://tfl.nu/hw0c

Replies (41) Good night (5689) Bad night (706)
Favorite
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(610): Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants? http://tfl.nu/1myu

Replies (33) Good night (1836) Bad night (4352) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(503): View more from Oregon

I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(503): I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much. http://tfl.nu/97de

Replies (22) Good night (3782) Bad night (551)
Favorite
(631): View more from New York

we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(631): we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars, http://tfl.nu/j4u2

Replies (14) Good night (4758) Bad night (481) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(414): View more from Wisconsin

you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(414): you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened... http://tfl.nu/w2pr

Replies (22) Good night (6448) Bad night (416) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(702): View more from Nevada

oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(702): oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve http://tfl.nu/2910

Replies (29) Good night (5822) Bad night (403) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(804): View more from Virginia

Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(804): Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009. http://tfl.nu/yk6t

Replies (49) Good night (5415) Bad night (1109) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(512): View more from Texas

I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(512): I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing? http://tfl.nu/nzdd

Replies (7) Good night (8244) Bad night (470) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(240): View more from Maryland

Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(240): Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea. http://tfl.nu/4ze6

Replies (40) Good night (5048) Bad night (3190) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(330): View more from Ohio

I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(330): I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet. http://tfl.nu/cgw3

Replies (61) Good night (4784) Bad night (935) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(303): View more from Colorado

i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(303): i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic http://tfl.nu/ibrs

Replies (44) Good night (5189) Bad night (1287) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(805): View more from California

My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(805): My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years. http://tfl.nu/zmw5

Replies (18) Good night (3606) Bad night (492) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(828): View more from North Carolina

You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(828): You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up http://tfl.nu/y0oy

Replies (27) Good night (5689) Bad night (532) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(330): View more from Ohio

I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(330): I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes. http://tfl.nu/ahu2

Replies (32) Good night (4267) Bad night (867) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(410): View more from Maryland

I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(410): I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs. http://tfl.nu/xa92

Replies (84) Good night (8086) Bad night (901) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(484): You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy. http://tfl.nu/h40g

Replies (7) Good night (5591) Bad night (535) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(270): View more from Kentucky

Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(270): Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend. http://tfl.nu/ihwe

Replies (27) Good night (12642) Bad night (561) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(954): View more from Florida

We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(954): We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles. http://tfl.nu/w60i

Replies (38) Good night (6001) Bad night (512) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(845): View more from New York

felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(845): felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter http://tfl.nu/o0yy

Replies (33) Good night (1248) Bad night (6070) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(203): View more from Connecticut

my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(203): my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER http://tfl.nu/olos

Replies (30) Good night (776) Bad night (5090) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(603): View more from New Hampshire

your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(603): your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers" http://tfl.nu/lsqw

Replies (16) Good night (3813) Bad night (496) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(907): View more from Alaska

frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(907): frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better http://tfl.nu/58yp

Replies (31) Good night (5338) Bad night (409) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(830): View more from Texas

just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(830): just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao http://tfl.nu/019w

Replies (17) Good night (3739) Bad night (856) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(740): View more from Ohio

she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(740): she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob. http://tfl.nu/zgkj

Replies (33) Good night (8784) Bad night (718) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(937): View more from Ohio

the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(937): the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest http://tfl.nu/2mrs

Replies (37) Good night (5088) Bad night (773) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(704): View more from North Carolina

you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(704): you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!" http://tfl.nu/9nr0

Replies (19) Good night (6088) Bad night (566) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(707): View more from California

drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(707): drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs. http://tfl.nu/ujxz

Replies (24) Good night (3465) Bad night (597) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(541): View more from Oregon

you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(541): you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....? http://tfl.nu/ofi7

Replies (28) Good night (4491) Bad night (698) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(289): View more from Ontario

I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.

(647): View more from Ontario

It's sore actually

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(289): I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt. (647): It's sore actually http://tfl.nu/hwsg

Replies (38) Good night (3886) Bad night (640)
Favorite
(630): View more from Illinois

I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....

(1-630): View more from Illinois

which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(630): I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons.... (1-630): which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father? http://tfl.nu/vh34

Replies (31) Good night (838) Bad night (5034) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(415): View more from California

Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(415): Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok http://tfl.nu/rrpn

Replies (37) Good night (6920) Bad night (666)
Favorite
(856): View more from New Jersey

unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(856): unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating http://tfl.nu/8w72

Replies (36) Good night (1281) Bad night (3412) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(323): View more from California

No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(323): No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested. http://tfl.nu/53oj

Replies (6) Good night (4747) Bad night (502) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(917): View more from New York City

Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(917): Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee http://tfl.nu/mgtx

Replies (8) Good night (4740) Bad night (564) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(540): View more from Virginia

I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(540): I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it. http://tfl.nu/dv65

Replies (45) Good night (10486) Bad night (2281)
Favorite
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(484): We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision. http://tfl.nu/lzhl

Replies (18) Good night (973) Bad night (3439) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(740): View more from Ohio

hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(740): hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara http://tfl.nu/38gp

Replies (14) Good night (484) Bad night (5086) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(214): he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true' http://tfl.nu/1kz1

Replies (76) Good night (36280) Bad night (1305) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(845): View more from New York

Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(845): Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD http://tfl.nu/xg03

Replies (18) Good night (6137) Bad night (447) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(240): View more from Maryland

I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(240): I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it. http://tfl.nu/okvp

Replies (4) Good night (4335) Bad night (793) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(317): View more from Indiana

Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(317): Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke http://tfl.nu/o61t

Replies (16) Good night (6066) Bad night (499) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(970): View more from Colorado

Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(970): Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass. http://tfl.nu/mex7

Replies (12) Good night (9288) Bad night (575) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(403): Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius. http://tfl.nu/w17t

Replies (20) Good night (5909) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(416): View more from Ontario

He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(416): He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him. http://tfl.nu/3lsk

Replies (52) Good night (10901) Bad night (773) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(850): View more from Florida

so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(850): so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time". http://tfl.nu/gojq

Replies (62) Good night (916) Bad night (8747) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(570): jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along. http://tfl.nu/kf9k

Replies (34) Good night (8723) Bad night (458) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(214): View more from Texas

hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(214): hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming? http://tfl.nu/vu51

Replies (12) Good night (5679) Bad night (897) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(717): you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober http://tfl.nu/nwgl

Replies (10) Good night (4763) Bad night (434) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(516): View more from New York

you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(516): you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers http://tfl.nu/btsl

Replies (12) Good night (4569) Bad night (407) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(352): View more from Florida

I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(352): I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W" http://tfl.nu/d9h9

Replies (17) Good night (4001) Bad night (793) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(619): View more from California

You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(619): You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there. http://tfl.nu/abjc

Replies (18) Good night (5032) Bad night (818) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(612): You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast. http://tfl.nu/3zo3

Replies (47) Good night (27354) Bad night (797) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp

Replies (171) Good night (49212) Bad night (5111)
Favorite
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(780): He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana http://tfl.nu/rg2f

Replies (17) Good night (5401) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(717): Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze. http://tfl.nu/xfyl

Replies (25) Good night (4335) Bad night (452) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(607): View more from New York

Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(607): Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved? http://tfl.nu/p303

Replies (20) Good night (3565) Bad night (779) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(317): View more from Indiana

he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(317): he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal..... http://tfl.nu/xm36

Replies (29) Good night (6235) Bad night (1204)
Favorite
(613): View more from Ontario

I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(613): I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/nxz1

Replies (35) Good night (11410) Bad night (854) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(925): View more from California

i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(925): i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit http://tfl.nu/r71a

Replies (46) Good night (4781) Bad night (784) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(317): View more from Indiana

can you pick me up an extra syllabus

(317): View more from Indiana

i passed out in the shower again

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(317): can you pick me up an extra syllabus (317): i passed out in the shower again http://tfl.nu/i8ap

Replies (26) Good night (4110) Bad night (908)
Favorite
(404): View more from Georgia

standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(404): standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture. http://tfl.nu/15y7

Replies (36) Good night (12012) Bad night (616) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma

Replies (137) Good night (36752) Bad night (1051)
Favorite
(906): View more from Michigan

i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(906): i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius? http://tfl.nu/ei5s

Replies (150) Good night (14039) Bad night (2989) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(917): View more from New York City

we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(917): we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender. http://tfl.nu/r1fg

Replies (24) Good night (1579) Bad night (10755) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(650): View more from California

Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(650): Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day... http://tfl.nu/p3lj

Replies (51) Good night (6271) Bad night (821) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(404): View more from Georgia

Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(404): Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome. http://tfl.nu/rur7

Replies (17) Good night (4307) Bad night (652) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(214): View more from Texas

Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(214): Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake. http://tfl.nu/zq33

Replies (47) Good night (763) Bad night (6070) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(347): View more from New York

I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

(347): View more from New York

I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(347): I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN (347): I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN http://tfl.nu/s3su

Replies (41) Good night (10622) Bad night (1852)
Favorite
(206): View more from Washington

puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(206): puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds http://tfl.nu/vlbj

Replies (36) Good night (650) Bad night (4092) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(330): View more from Ohio

We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(330): We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever. http://tfl.nu/56mg

Replies (38) Good night (9788) Bad night (516) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(916): View more from California

He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(916): He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car. http://tfl.nu/y9if

Replies (15) Good night (4940) Bad night (1004) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(714): View more from California

after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(714): after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles http://tfl.nu/o8dc

Replies (13) Good night (5428) Bad night (608) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937): View more from Ohio

Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419): View more from Ohio

Is that considered a cock block?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(419): I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me? (937): Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls. (419): Is that considered a cock block? http://tfl.nu/pjdr

Replies (47) Good night (8088) Bad night (754)
Favorite
(585): View more from New York

I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(585): I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine http://tfl.nu/d7kh

Replies (12) Good night (626) Bad night (6082) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(808): View more from Hawaii

Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(808): Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet? http://tfl.nu/bi9l

Replies (20) Good night (5170) Bad night (562) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(814): dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high (808): worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave (814): nevermind....I'm on the way http://tfl.nu/dzeu

Replies (70) Good night (9725) Bad night (601)
Favorite
(407): View more from Florida

he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(407): he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse http://tfl.nu/je2y

Replies (160) Good night (10948) Bad night (907)
Favorite
(804): View more from Virginia

I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(804): I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life. http://tfl.nu/74qx

Replies (17) Good night (5331) Bad night (521) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(928): View more from Arizona

I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(928): I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera. http://tfl.nu/yx0c

Replies (36) Good night (10331) Bad night (534) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(208): U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!" http://tfl.nu/ttkj

Replies (99) Good night (25092) Bad night (864) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(678): View more from Georgia

We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(678): We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet. http://tfl.nu/x1wg

Replies (29) Good night (7546) Bad night (442) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(810): View more from Michigan

She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(810): She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance. http://tfl.nu/vgvp

Replies (68) Good night (8600) Bad night (566)
Favorite
(631): View more from New York

"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(631): "fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house...... http://tfl.nu/xvur

Replies (8) Good night (3626) Bad night (552) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(843): View more from South Carolina

woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(843): woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur http://tfl.nu/wpeh

Replies (30) Good night (4587) Bad night (549) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(716): View more from New York

fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(716): fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans http://tfl.nu/906w

Replies (154) Good night (7632) Bad night (2206) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(925): View more from California

so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(925): so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious http://tfl.nu/hqe9

Replies (16) Good night (4389) Bad night (425) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(970): View more from Colorado

The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.

(352): View more from Florida

I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(970): The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency. (352): I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial. http://tfl.nu/wg41

Replies (28) Good night (6980) Bad night (468)
Favorite
(586): View more from Michigan

you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(586): you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway http://tfl.nu/bm2x

Replies (32) Good night (3321) Bad night (1501) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(214): View more from Texas

You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(214): You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle. http://tfl.nu/y634

Replies (14) Good night (4018) Bad night (926) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(440): View more from Ohio

sarcasm needs its own font

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(440): sarcasm needs its own font http://tfl.nu/5kc7

Replies (55) Good night (7999) Bad night (494) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(913): View more from Kansas

Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(913): Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat http://tfl.nu/os6y

Replies (29) Good night (6495) Bad night (1044) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(618): View more from Illinois

Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(618): Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again http://tfl.nu/9mpp

Replies (34) Good night (6024) Bad night (539)
Favorite
(775): View more from Nevada

they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(775): they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it. http://tfl.nu/g3nc

Replies (19) Good night (5603) Bad night (546) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(416): View more from Ontario

Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(416): Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard. http://tfl.nu/iuc0

Replies (20) Good night (4487) Bad night (445) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(805): View more from California

woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(805): woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream." http://tfl.nu/w9nn

Replies (11) Good night (4272) Bad night (745) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(740): View more from Ohio

The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(740): The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story. http://tfl.nu/x6qv

Replies (18) Good night (6174) Bad night (576) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(901): I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus. http://tfl.nu/pp37

Replies (14) Good night (4737) Bad night (1068) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(973): View more from New Jersey

He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(973): He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could http://tfl.nu/0a7l

Replies (36) Good night (11511) Bad night (619) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(704): View more from North Carolina

Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?

(954): View more from Florida

Why wouldn't there be.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(704): Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower? (954): Why wouldn't there be. http://tfl.nu/wwnv

Replies (28) Good night (7284) Bad night (491)
Favorite
(360): View more from Washington

He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(360): He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees http://tfl.nu/gf2k

Replies (19) Good night (4621) Bad night (2441) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(850): View more from Florida

u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(850): u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it. http://tfl.nu/pcok

Replies (24) Good night (5131) Bad night (667) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(215): you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'. (215): we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk. http://tfl.nu/6wc5

Replies (27) Good night (6307) Bad night (490)
Favorite
(580): View more from Oklahoma

I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(580): I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off. http://tfl.nu/wwj4

Replies (11) Good night (3374) Bad night (545) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(510): View more from California

You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(510): You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen. http://tfl.nu/ldf9

Replies (20) Good night (929) Bad night (7080) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(661): Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up. (1-661): What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how" http://tfl.nu/sghh

Replies (49) Good night (28200) Bad night (858)
Favorite
(309): View more from Illinois

My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(309): My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do? http://tfl.nu/tx29

Replies (46) Good night (8413) Bad night (885) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(631): View more from New York

so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.

(631): View more from New York

what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(631): so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night. (631): what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK http://tfl.nu/1v47

Replies (34) Good night (6859) Bad night (1003)
Favorite
(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(205): Why are my keys in the refrigerator? (1-205): You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you. (205): This explains so much. http://tfl.nu/ouwy

Replies (29) Good night (16810) Bad night (607)
Favorite
(973): View more from New Jersey

i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(973): i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers http://tfl.nu/mvp5

Replies (30) Good night (7501) Bad night (930) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(540): View more from Virginia

so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..

(1-540): View more from Virginia

What did u do?

(540): View more from Virginia

turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(540): so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn.. (1-540): What did u do? (540): turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him.. http://tfl.nu/pi8a

Replies (50) Good night (10674) Bad night (672)
Favorite
(513): View more from Ohio

How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(513): How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region? (1-513): The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well. http://tfl.nu/bwog

Replies (28) Good night (1393) Bad night (5225)
Favorite
(818): View more from California

I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(818): I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch. http://tfl.nu/o7me

Replies (19) Good night (6572) Bad night (490) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(402): View more from Nebraska

Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(402): Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard. http://tfl.nu/co7z

Replies (31) Good night (6586) Bad night (668) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(949): View more from California

she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."

(949): View more from California

little did she know i was taping her the whole time.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(949): she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket." (949): little did she know i was taping her the whole time. http://tfl.nu/jcur

Replies (53) Good night (9086) Bad night (2147)
Favorite
(615): View more from Tennessee

I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(615): I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know. http://tfl.nu/z1c6

Replies (29) Good night (7640) Bad night (551) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(586): View more from Michigan

at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(586): at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool.... http://tfl.nu/juyn

Replies (25) Good night (5606) Bad night (935)
Favorite
(818): View more from California

Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(818): Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical. http://tfl.nu/onyl

Replies (42) Good night (9411) Bad night (1254) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(317): View more from Indiana

eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(317): eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped. http://tfl.nu/504u

Replies (65) Good night (6239) Bad night (1023) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(580): View more from Oklahoma

the snow is so cold on my vagina.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

why do you have snow on your vagina?

(580): View more from Oklahoma

vodka and heels.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(580): the snow is so cold on my vagina. (405): why do you have snow on your vagina? (580): vodka and heels. http://tfl.nu/uvnf

Replies (45) Good night (5918) Bad night (1080)
Favorite
(718): View more from New York

I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(718): I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed. http://tfl.nu/ihm6

Replies (9) Good night (1325) Bad night (3572) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(908): I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain. http://tfl.nu/vwtj

Replies (51) Good night (24301) Bad night (764) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(612): View more from Minnesota

I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(612): I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical http://tfl.nu/u7u5

Replies (18) Good night (9045) Bad night (487) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(425): View more from Washington

im bored tell me something entertaining

(206): View more from Washington

You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(425): im bored tell me something entertaining (206): You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam. http://tfl.nu/m0ao

Replies (48) Good night (1286) Bad night (9356)
Favorite
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(262): I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home http://tfl.nu/gzni

Replies (26) Good night (12809) Bad night (478) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(206): View more from Washington

I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(206): I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log. http://tfl.nu/ft0h

Replies (46) Good night (14510) Bad night (498)
Favorite
(518): View more from New York

alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?

(1-518): View more from New York

dude. you drew those with your dick

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(518): alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from? (1-518): dude. you drew those with your dick http://tfl.nu/4t0i

Replies (24) Good night (6911) Bad night (1164) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(515): View more from Iowa

Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby

(1-515): View more from Iowa

What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(515): Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby (1-515): What the fuck were you doing at wal mart? http://tfl.nu/0ikn

Replies (50) Good night (7134) Bad night (746) Order T-Shirt
Favorite
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard
(724): You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake. http://tfl.nu/kf3k

Replies (22) Good night (5238) Bad night (458) Order T-Shirt

Sinvisigoth's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard