I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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