He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
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i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
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