faythee's Favorites Texts:

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  (770): View more from Georgia

  When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.

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  (770): When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers. http://tfl.nu/iawl
  Replies (7) Good night (1062) Bad night (376) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  how many dildos make it a "collection?"

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  (805): how many dildos make it a "collection?" http://tfl.nu/3sue
  Replies (12) Good night (1385) Bad night (884) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand

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  (412): Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand http://tfl.nu/54cj
  Replies (3) Good night (1143) Bad night (357) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.

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  (416): We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there. http://tfl.nu/uram
  Replies (2) Good night (1494) Bad night (416) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.

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  (512): With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt. http://tfl.nu/gq2z
  Replies (9) Good night (915) Bad night (1144) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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  (614): The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me? http://tfl.nu/yci0
  Replies (16) Good night (3688) Bad night (414)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!

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  (570): ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin! http://tfl.nu/i1tl
  Replies (18) Good night (1389) Bad night (2054)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

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  (314): You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you. http://tfl.nu/pksa
  Replies (6) Good night (4567) Bad night (528) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.

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  (305): It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you. http://tfl.nu/cw12
  Replies (26) Good night (5386) Bad night (816) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.

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  (253): There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs. http://tfl.nu/3p74
  Replies (22) Good night (5098) Bad night (622) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.

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  (317): I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me. http://tfl.nu/xee4
  Replies (8) Good night (2306) Bad night (563) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.

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  (310): I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied. http://tfl.nu/wnhg
  Replies (13) Good night (4426) Bad night (684) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm

  (1-757): View more from Virginia

  Dick in a box?

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  (757): Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm (1-757): Dick in a box? http://tfl.nu/x7sn
  Replies (12) Good night (4356) Bad night (608) Order T-Shirt
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.

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  (417): I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW. http://tfl.nu/qeni
  Replies (23) Good night (3567) Bad night (721)
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.

  (1-479): View more from Arkansas

  How have you survived this long?

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

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  (479): Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever. (1-479): How have you survived this long? (479): Dumb luck and a deal with the devil. http://tfl.nu/0es8
  Replies (9) Good night (3100) Bad night (733)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy

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  (614): making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy http://tfl.nu/o6e5
  Replies (7) Good night (2966) Bad night (590) Order T-Shirt
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks

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  (260): U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks http://tfl.nu/ak2u
  Replies (9) Good night (2294) Bad night (1066) Order T-Shirt
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  (979): View more from Texas

  For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.

  (512): View more from Texas

  You. Win. At. Life.

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  (979): For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280. (512): You. Win. At. Life. http://tfl.nu/wgzm
  Replies (34) Good night (2278) Bad night (776)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.

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  (917): I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking. http://tfl.nu/qvff
  Replies (23) Good night (1182) Bad night (3493) Order T-Shirt
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here

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  (225): Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here http://tfl.nu/v34u
  Replies (2) Good night (1633) Bad night (494) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina

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  (410): If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina http://tfl.nu/8dig
  Replies (28) Good night (1246) Bad night (2483) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...

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  (757): i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ... http://tfl.nu/nc8q
  Replies (19) Good night (2008) Bad night (563) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina

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  (313): I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina http://tfl.nu/zo54
  Replies (5) Good night (2848) Bad night (608)
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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  (859): she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery? http://tfl.nu/4aiq
  Replies (24) Good night (6271) Bad night (659)
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.

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  (228): Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis. http://tfl.nu/q40e
  Replies (15) Good night (4924) Bad night (687) Order T-Shirt
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  this is not real life

  (1-267): View more from Pennsylvania

  it never is. after midnight never counts.

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  (267): this is not real life (1-267): it never is. after midnight never counts. http://tfl.nu/o5xm
  Replies (5) Good night (1807) Bad night (978) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now

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  (832): I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now http://tfl.nu/6g0n
  Replies (10) Good night (2477) Bad night (555) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Your friend and I already don't get along

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  (404): I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend. (734): Your friend and I already don't get along http://tfl.nu/d3pe
  Replies (4) Good night (3313) Bad night (574)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate

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  (202): if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate http://tfl.nu/kvt4
  Replies (3) Good night (1606) Bad night (548) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.

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  (631): I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight. http://tfl.nu/8jy4
  Replies (4) Good night (1479) Bad night (795) Order T-Shirt
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.

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  (251): I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision. http://tfl.nu/w9kf
  Replies (24) Good night (3539) Bad night (1012) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.

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  (703): We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day. http://tfl.nu/6fp1
  Replies (5) Good night (608) Bad night (1870) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?

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  (+44): Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/0o8e
  Replies (7) Good night (3916) Bad night (585) Order T-Shirt
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Tell me you're kidding.

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.

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  (414): Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet. (920): Tell me you're kidding. (414): Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now. http://tfl.nu/mbei
  Replies (8) Good night (706) Bad night (2657)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!

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  (817): Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?! http://tfl.nu/9bqy
  Replies (10) Good night (1914) Bad night (675)
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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  (862): I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands! http://tfl.nu/blis
  Replies (33) Good night (6180) Bad night (1114)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you

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  (617): a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you</3 http://tfl.nu/z6s1
  Replies (32) Good night (1196) Bad night (8343) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  what time did you get home last night?

  (1-917): View more from New York City

  SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time

  (1-917): View more from New York City

  He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott

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  (917): what time did you get home last night? (1-917): SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time (1-917): He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott http://tfl.nu/lqla
  Replies (16) Good night (1668) Bad night (803)
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  (409): View more from Texas

  Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?

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  (409): Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall? http://tfl.nu/ymbz
  Replies (7) Good night (2340) Bad night (689) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks

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  (412): I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks http://tfl.nu/tkbs
  Replies (6) Good night (1439) Bad night (488) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?

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  (310): Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away? http://tfl.nu/o5qu
  Replies (10) Good night (830) Bad night (1919) Order T-Shirt
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?

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  (862): I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you? http://tfl.nu/xnnk
  Replies (16) Good night (2278) Bad night (673) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  Woah.

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  that's not how you spell hell yes.

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  (918): you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you? (1-918): Woah. (918): that's not how you spell hell yes. http://tfl.nu/i519
  Replies (56) Good night (7315) Bad night (1110)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  you were so drunk you slurred your pauses

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  (440): you were so drunk you slurred your pauses http://tfl.nu/u543
  Replies (6) Good night (4247) Bad night (502) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.

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  (419): PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me. http://tfl.nu/iheo
  Replies (1) Good night (1886) Bad night (488) Order T-Shirt
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on

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  (506): Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on http://tfl.nu/ntvw
  Replies (8) Good night (5537) Bad night (617) Order T-Shirt
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  (979): View more from Texas

  Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.

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  (979): Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine. http://tfl.nu/p1v5
  Replies (3) Good night (1625) Bad night (522) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days

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  (773): I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days http://tfl.nu/nte6
  Replies (9) Good night (2537) Bad night (860) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

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  (615): Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight. http://tfl.nu/ami0
  Replies (22) Good night (3901) Bad night (1587) Order T-Shirt
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?

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  (606): Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters? http://tfl.nu/uly0
  Replies (3) Good night (2206) Bad night (647) Order T-Shirt
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me

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  (903): Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me http://tfl.nu/adub
  Replies (6) Good night (3974) Bad night (769) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.

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  (701): Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle. http://tfl.nu/xafh
  Replies (8) Good night (1194) Bad night (1831) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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  (860): MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!! (860): I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo http://tfl.nu/vjys
  Replies (14) Good night (8206) Bad night (805)
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded

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  (306): This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded http://tfl.nu/nfzj
  Replies (59) Good night (1130) Bad night (6874) Order T-Shirt
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

  (480): View more from Arizona

  Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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  (520): Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals (480): Are you high and at a petting zoo again? http://tfl.nu/ph9z
  Replies (4) Good night (4990) Bad night (741)
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.

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  (765): I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday. http://tfl.nu/lb5a
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Sharpest. Poop. Ever.

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  (902): Sharpest. Poop. Ever. http://tfl.nu/efzq
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

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  (706): Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't. http://tfl.nu/ol3k
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"

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  (214): I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?" http://tfl.nu/quj5
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.

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  (781): Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days. http://tfl.nu/ccfk
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.

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  (575): He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo. http://tfl.nu/zgra
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit

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  (989): I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit http://tfl.nu/8uwi
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.

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  (603): nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment. http://tfl.nu/rfmt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now

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  (617): So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now http://tfl.nu/xd86
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  (360): View more from Washington

  No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..

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  (360): No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down.. http://tfl.nu/yoii
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.

  (1-250): View more from British Columbia

  I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

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  (250): Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you. (1-250): I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this. http://tfl.nu/x6e9
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them

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  (612): at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them http://tfl.nu/fxji
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.

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  (757): Just try to lay there and not be pregnant. http://tfl.nu/a665
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.

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  (601): We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level. http://tfl.nu/1en2
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story

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  (816): If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story http://tfl.nu/6mc2
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.

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  (330): The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life. http://tfl.nu/qfsl
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean

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  (802): Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean http://tfl.nu/dmnd
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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  (920): sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself. http://tfl.nu/ur25
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Who keeps a bong in their car??

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.

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  (402): Who keeps a bong in their car?? (1-402): Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago. http://tfl.nu/uih3
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  ok i said sorry. what else do you want?

  (740): View more from Ohio

  100 blowjobs

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  (216): ok i said sorry. what else do you want? (740): 100 blowjobs http://tfl.nu/an0u
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"

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  (262): i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???" http://tfl.nu/nk2u
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.

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  (214): Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it. http://tfl.nu/1ffs
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Why is there bacon braided in my hair

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  (303): Why is there bacon braided in my hair http://tfl.nu/324s
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  (530): View more from California

  I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"

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  (530): I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting" http://tfl.nu/k1xw
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  (352): View more from Florida

  You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.

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  (352): You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem. http://tfl.nu/rwe9
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?

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  (651): I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl? http://tfl.nu/nlrb
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

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  (248): today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much http://tfl.nu/3dmn
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  (707): View more from California

  come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.

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  (707): come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you. http://tfl.nu/6h34
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low

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  (317): My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low http://tfl.nu/zc60
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

  (702): View more from Nevada

  now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

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  (702): she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave. (702): now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like" http://tfl.nu/f7jt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I understand Curling. That high.

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  (757): I understand Curling. That high. http://tfl.nu/c58u
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.

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  (203): She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level. http://tfl.nu/viu0
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.

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  (586): I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life. http://tfl.nu/7ulw
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  (310): View more from California

  I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too

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  (310): I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too http://tfl.nu/t8cv
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children

  (1-802): View more from Vermont

  actually, i try not to think about it

  (802): View more from Vermont

  and i pooped them out

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  (802): does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children (1-802): actually, i try not to think about it (802): and i pooped them out http://tfl.nu/h4ew
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.

  (1-828): View more from North Carolina

  Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.

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  (828): Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy. (1-828): Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid. http://tfl.nu/eif0
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back

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  (973): Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back http://tfl.nu/zjkd
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready

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  (614): how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready http://tfl.nu/g5tv
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  (352): View more from Florida

  You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt

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  (352): You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt http://tfl.nu/6zpu
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  (818): View more from California

  Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics

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  (818): Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics http://tfl.nu/kq58
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do

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  (856): I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do http://tfl.nu/mquj
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  (909): View more from California

  Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.

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  (909): Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave. http://tfl.nu/ztn7
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree

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  (251): Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree http://tfl.nu/cqwy
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.

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  (250): SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU. http://tfl.nu/crab
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"

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  (765): You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?" http://tfl.nu/g1nx
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.

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  (417): In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D. http://tfl.nu/wwrb
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force

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  (765): I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force http://tfl.nu/6fxy
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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  (+44): Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people. http://tfl.nu/uumz
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"

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  (817): I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months" http://tfl.nu/023g
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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  (913): I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms. (1-913): So you know, I'm making that my facebook status. http://tfl.nu/4s8l
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall

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  (540): i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall http://tfl.nu/ora9
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.

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  (+61): You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd. http://tfl.nu/nwi3
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  (516): View more from New York

  Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs

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  (516): Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs http://tfl.nu/6o6j
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".

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  (719): Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby". http://tfl.nu/v0w5
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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  (334): This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back. http://tfl.nu/st6c
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.

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  (509): Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that. http://tfl.nu/jsxj
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty

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  (732): please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty http://tfl.nu/l1xo
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.

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  (781): I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore. http://tfl.nu/ktqn
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  (631): View more from New York

  what you doin?

  (516): View more from New York

  I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?

  (631): View more from New York

  reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life

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  (631): what you doin? (516): I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you? (631): reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life http://tfl.nu/6c83
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.

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  (540): hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends. http://tfl.nu/iv37
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes

  (1-260): View more from Indiana

  Are your eyes okay

  (260): View more from Indiana

  I mean if I was Asian they would be

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  (260): So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes (1-260): Are your eyes okay (260): I mean if I was Asian they would be http://tfl.nu/l3r4
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(

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  (410): Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :( http://tfl.nu/bf6a
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  coke and sex party at dan's

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  im watching greys anatomy with megan...

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  wha-pishhh

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  (973): coke and sex party at dan's (201): im watching greys anatomy with megan... (973): wha-pishhh http://tfl.nu/auvy
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.

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  (602): I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left. http://tfl.nu/dy5w
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.

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  (403): I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like. http://tfl.nu/sasf
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.

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  (734): I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit. http://tfl.nu/jg4n
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  (510): View more from California

  Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.

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  (510): Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing. http://tfl.nu/2643
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.

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  (701): Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real. http://tfl.nu/s47d
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.

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  (519): I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here. http://tfl.nu/gd63
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.

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  (540): Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft. http://tfl.nu/aaf2
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

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  (973): Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride http://tfl.nu/vufa
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.

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  (801): Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face. http://tfl.nu/qeig
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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  (919): Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon. http://tfl.nu/tzl9
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

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  (973): I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night? http://tfl.nu/cbpu
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Goodnight sugar queer

  (480): View more from Arizona

  Sugar queer??

  (602): View more from Arizona

  Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?

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  (602): Goodnight sugar queer (480): Sugar queer?? (602): Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'? http://tfl.nu/rsho
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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  (780): Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks. http://tfl.nu/2lc5
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual

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  (864): she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual http://tfl.nu/fkyx
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?

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  (937): Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship? http://tfl.nu/9ufc
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP

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  (604): Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP http://tfl.nu/30gs
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot

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  (605): I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot http://tfl.nu/d13k
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B

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  (303): I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B http://tfl.nu/0558
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?

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  (519): I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen? http://tfl.nu/tjza
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.

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  (+44): I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode. http://tfl.nu/646n
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  (310): View more from California

  My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...

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  (310): My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope... http://tfl.nu/89fe
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick

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  (423): Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick http://tfl.nu/qnn8
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.

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  (608): She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend. http://tfl.nu/4mn4
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  (801): View more from Utah

  im getting coffee to go get coffee.

  (435): View more from Utah

  Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.

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  (801): im getting coffee to go get coffee. (435): Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level. http://tfl.nu/l6zn
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I had to brake up with him.

  (602): View more from Arizona

  In my experience drinking helps.

  (480): View more from Arizona

  You dont want to know why?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  Not really. I want to drink.

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  (480): I had to brake up with him. (602): In my experience drinking helps. (480): You dont want to know why? (602): Not really. I want to drink. http://tfl.nu/mwqo
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..

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  (902): i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see.. http://tfl.nu/ubpf
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  (806): View more from Texas

  He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.

  (1-806): View more from Texas

  I feel like you never had a virginity..

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  (806): He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to. (1-806): I feel like you never had a virginity.. http://tfl.nu/77ey
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"

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  (603): You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet" http://tfl.nu/9891
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.

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  (404): It's a bathroom floor kind of morning. http://tfl.nu/13m7
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.

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  (862): textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me (973): that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world. http://tfl.nu/8ia3
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  sleazy september. first one with mono loses.

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  (609): sleazy september. first one with mono loses. http://tfl.nu/eipu
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  (518): View more from New York

  Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.

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  (518): Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes. http://tfl.nu/f3k6
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.

  (1-801): View more from Utah

  We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.

  (801): View more from Utah

  I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!

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  (801): I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high. (1-801): We could get him to build Inspector Gadget. (801): I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!! http://tfl.nu/5lpc
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  (516): View more from New York

  I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card

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  (516): I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card http://tfl.nu/zhem
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

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  (262): Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat? http://tfl.nu/beg4
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..

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  (703): bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status.. http://tfl.nu/z1m2
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk

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  (352): I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk http://tfl.nu/lbo9
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."

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  (601): You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka." http://tfl.nu/g6um
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"

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  (570): How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks" http://tfl.nu/r0yt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.

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  (440): Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing. http://tfl.nu/x35s
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer

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  (618): i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer http://tfl.nu/zm3w
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  (718): View more from New York

  you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"

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  (718): you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD" http://tfl.nu/zg6m
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.

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  (610): If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups. http://tfl.nu/xgvv
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  (917): View more from New York City

  so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center

  (1-917): View more from New York City

  you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth

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  (917): so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center (1-917): you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth http://tfl.nu/ukvm
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  (858): View more from California

  i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..

  (720): View more from Colorado

  yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures

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  (858): i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume.. (720): yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures http://tfl.nu/ebwm
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  (607): View more from New York

  I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.

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  (607): I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex. http://tfl.nu/9fy5
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?

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  (919): Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again? http://tfl.nu/p959
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?

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  (216): I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america? http://tfl.nu/75bl
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  (716): View more from New York

  fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans

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  (716): fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans http://tfl.nu/906w
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

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  (847): Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden? http://tfl.nu/x4ab
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  (212): View more from New York

  ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

  (1-212): View more from New York

  this is Aaron, hi

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  (212): ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud? (1-212): this is Aaron, hi http://tfl.nu/ackd
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.

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  (731): Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us. http://tfl.nu/v50h
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love

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  (708): we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love http://tfl.nu/30hf
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  "bouncy castle"

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  (919): what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl" (1-919): "bouncy castle" http://tfl.nu/3vde
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  (424): View more from California

  You just made me feel so damn special

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  (424): You just made me feel so damn special http://tfl.nu/801g
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  (607): View more from New York

  I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.

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  (607): I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson. http://tfl.nu/gvkr
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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  (519): On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend? http://tfl.nu/abvl
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now

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  (715): You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now http://tfl.nu/q56d
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?

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  (405): She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after? http://tfl.nu/ibkm
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.

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  (210): I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy. http://tfl.nu/fwj0
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  (626): View more from California

  Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.

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  (626): Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong. http://tfl.nu/y718
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex

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  (215): I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex http://tfl.nu/ohto
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I want to kish your cheek

  (248): View more from Michigan

  My cheeks are in Michigan

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Oh my lips are kind of stretchy

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  (301): I want to kish your cheek (248): My cheeks are in Michigan (301): Oh my lips are kind of stretchy http://tfl.nu/4fba
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.

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  (765): I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart. http://tfl.nu/xlbc
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?

  (212): View more from New York

  Vagina

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  (917): Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type? (212): Vagina http://tfl.nu/du5r
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  (310): View more from California

  I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.

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  (310): I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you. http://tfl.nu/ohi7
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  (727): View more from Florida

  what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway

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  (727): what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway http://tfl.nu/b3sf
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week

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  (734): Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week http://tfl.nu/r1k8
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ask politely.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Thats good enough.

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  (484): Ask politely. (610): Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you? (484): Thats good enough. http://tfl.nu/nxir
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  RUDE.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  outsmarted mickey deeeees

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  (248): do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions. (1-248): RUDE. (248): I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o. (1-248): outsmarted mickey deeeees http://tfl.nu/mqmo
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You might as well just give her the money now.

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  (814): Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it. (610): You might as well just give her the money now. http://tfl.nu/i76w
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.

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  (732): Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after. http://tfl.nu/ay86
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.

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  (313): I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex. http://tfl.nu/ugby
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  (818): View more from California

  We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.

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  (818): We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings. http://tfl.nu/9pm8
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  (817): View more from Texas

  They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

  (214): View more from Texas

  Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

  (817): View more from Texas

  You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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  (817): They asked me to help them shop for lingerie. (214): Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better. (817): You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for. http://tfl.nu/hqk4
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US

  (703): View more from Virginia

  It's the American dream

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  (202): On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US (703): It's the American dream http://tfl.nu/z0hb
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework

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  (313): sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework http://tfl.nu/3cov
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  (714): View more from California

  she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.

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  (714): she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt. http://tfl.nu/52xp
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.

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  (303): he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused. http://tfl.nu/ocgb
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  (253): View more from Washington

  oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.

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  (253): oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body. (1-253): I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate. http://tfl.nu/e4ca
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water

  (425): View more from Washington

  Legs for days

  (1-425): View more from Washington

  Harpoon that

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  (425): Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water (425): Legs for days (1-425): Harpoon that http://tfl.nu/z0dx
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows

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  (480): I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows http://tfl.nu/5bqe
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.

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  (401): i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much. http://tfl.nu/qwgv
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week

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  (269): i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week http://tfl.nu/99uq
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.

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  (252): It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there. http://tfl.nu/94gv
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved

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  (613): you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved http://tfl.nu/t5ge
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.

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  (804): also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite. http://tfl.nu/xds7
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  (727): View more from Florida

  how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

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  (727): how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian? http://tfl.nu/oazh
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.

  (1-901): View more from Tennessee

  Dude, if you don't take her, I will.

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  (901): She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle. (1-901): Dude, if you don't take her, I will. http://tfl.nu/8ufn
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome

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  (419): two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome http://tfl.nu/ey6z
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  (661): View more from California

  i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me

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  (661): i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me http://tfl.nu/hrbu
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.

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  (678): I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night. http://tfl.nu/yws8
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

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  (985): when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this" http://tfl.nu/g0yg
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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  (902): you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face. http://tfl.nu/e2jp
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Princesses don't give blow jobs

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  (616): Princesses don't give blow jobs http://tfl.nu/euq0
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  (212): View more from New York

  Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.

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  (212): Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it. http://tfl.nu/q1v1
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Let's get naked and see who's stronger.

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  (360): Let's get naked and see who's stronger. http://tfl.nu/4286
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  (315): View more from New York

  if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!

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  (315): if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all! http://tfl.nu/te8n
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.

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  (952): Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me. http://tfl.nu/t30r
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"

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  (586): on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish" http://tfl.nu/8ky3
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat

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  (303): There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat http://tfl.nu/blab
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man

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  (816): He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man http://tfl.nu/qpf8
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  (214): View more from Texas

  If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you

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  (214): If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you http://tfl.nu/i2kd
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.

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  (734): I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now. http://tfl.nu/ty03
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Are we going out tonight?

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  My conscience says no but my vag says yes

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  (920): Are we going out tonight? (414): My conscience says no but my vag says yes http://tfl.nu/5n9j
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  (310): View more from California

  Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.

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  (310): Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate. http://tfl.nu/vwb7
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.

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  (816): Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm. http://tfl.nu/bk02
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.

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  (778): Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them. http://tfl.nu/fuhs
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  (415): View more from California

  No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."

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  (415): No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love." http://tfl.nu/xky8
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  (315): View more from New York

  she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.

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  (315): she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game. http://tfl.nu/gk92
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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  (630): all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed http://tfl.nu/xhsk
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes

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  (973): I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes http://tfl.nu/9abn
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.

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  (403): I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants. http://tfl.nu/wgp8
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.

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  (541): I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago. http://tfl.nu/gs96
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.

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  (918): Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited. http://tfl.nu/jj7l
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake

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  (503): We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake http://tfl.nu/m3xg
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7

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  (207): I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7 http://tfl.nu/thj7
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.

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  (580): And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities. http://tfl.nu/eu72
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..

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  (570): Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." .. http://tfl.nu/4q08
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it

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  (317): So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it http://tfl.nu/80uu
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.

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  (410): They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless. http://tfl.nu/y6il
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".

  (416): View more from Toronto

  That's about an "8" on normal scales.

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  (416): I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him". (416): That's about an "8" on normal scales. http://tfl.nu/joyf
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.

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  (662): I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs. http://tfl.nu/zjd4
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out

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  (508): That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out http://tfl.nu/67gz
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

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  (715): I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it. http://tfl.nu/u4wc
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.

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  (201): Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory. http://tfl.nu/a6d4
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  (619): View more from California

  Be still, my beating vagina.

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  (619): Be still, my beating vagina. http://tfl.nu/qyal
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope

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  (623): If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope http://tfl.nu/gx2z
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  (850): View more from Florida

  some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

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  (850): some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face. http://tfl.nu/tn6y
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  (661): View more from California

  1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.

  (1-661): View more from California

  1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up

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  (661): 1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place. (1-661): 1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up http://tfl.nu/wu9m
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  (213): View more from California

  your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.

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  (213): your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now. http://tfl.nu/w3yg
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  (239): View more from Florida

  I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real

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  (239): I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real http://tfl.nu/tylh
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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  (904): Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke? http://tfl.nu/8orw
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair

  (573): View more from Missouri

  Found more tequila

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  (573): I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair (573): Found more tequila http://tfl.nu/cg6k
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

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  (902): You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear" http://tfl.nu/r2vo
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.

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  (757): I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love. http://tfl.nu/nlvg
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  (315): View more from New York

  i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor

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  (315): i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor http://tfl.nu/o59i
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".

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  (401): My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets". http://tfl.nu/hqdk
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...

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  (919): I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend... http://tfl.nu/oued
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.

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  (780): I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815. http://tfl.nu/p37f
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.

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  (479): I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast. http://tfl.nu/j7ef
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.

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  (248): sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us. http://tfl.nu/2qw1
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

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  (706): Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj. http://tfl.nu/1t4c
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?

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  (503): All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for? http://tfl.nu/oe9a
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy

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  (517): These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy http://tfl.nu/omc1
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

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  (608): all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!'' http://tfl.nu/g7vx
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  (626): View more from California

  There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.

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  (626): There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you. http://tfl.nu/ru1c
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"

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  (847): I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies" http://tfl.nu/cpcz
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"

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  (419): apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty" http://tfl.nu/fxst
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.

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  (+44): You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point. http://tfl.nu/tew1
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week

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  (603): there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week http://tfl.nu/fflq
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

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  (508): Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying. http://tfl.nu/h4eg
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day

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  (414): Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day http://tfl.nu/nn34
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  (658): View more from

  Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk

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  (658): Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk http://tfl.nu/a8a4
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  (925): View more from California

  Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard

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  (925): Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard http://tfl.nu/2caa
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.

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  (920): well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care. http://tfl.nu/ywjo
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  (845): View more from New York

  well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back

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  (845): well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back http://tfl.nu/xxu5
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  (607): View more from New York

  Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked

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  (607): Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked http://tfl.nu/f67s
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.

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  (734): similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well. http://tfl.nu/7lvz
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I have a critically important question to ask.

  (519): View more from Ontario

  Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?

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  (519): I have a critically important question to ask. (519): Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist? http://tfl.nu/val5
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.

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  (617): I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while. http://tfl.nu/clpn
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  (916): View more from California

  I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.

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  (916): I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry. http://tfl.nu/7tx6
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.

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  (608): No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat. http://tfl.nu/i15q
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.

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  (770): She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out. http://tfl.nu/r137
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.

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  (208): Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids. http://tfl.nu/l7h3
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  (585): View more from New York

  that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag

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  (585): that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag http://tfl.nu/7pz9
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty

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  (505): koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty http://tfl.nu/dl5w
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.

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  (804): Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick. http://tfl.nu/rxn3
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

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  (208): The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?" http://tfl.nu/toa2
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  (714): View more from California

  I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.

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  (714): I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality. http://tfl.nu/yabq
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.

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  (618): Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers. http://tfl.nu/lte3
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  True romance of the 21st century.

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  (410): He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too. (1-410): True romance of the 21st century. http://tfl.nu/laza
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"

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  (570): as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing" http://tfl.nu/9hoo
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper

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  (915): I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper http://tfl.nu/xgjg
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.

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  (612): Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things. http://tfl.nu/vads
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.

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  (973): I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung. http://tfl.nu/lg9m
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick

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  (785): whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick http://tfl.nu/3xlh
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.

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  (443): Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar. http://tfl.nu/j1fg
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.

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  (870): I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership. http://tfl.nu/f8ej
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  (718): View more from New York

  The gym has a pool

  (914): View more from New York

  my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"

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  (718): The gym has a pool (914): my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high" http://tfl.nu/pnez
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.

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  (765): She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it. http://tfl.nu/h4q6
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle

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  (810): This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle http://tfl.nu/hm2k
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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  (502): Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job. (973): I'm moving there. Get me hired. http://tfl.nu/wn7j
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?

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  (612): he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper (952): Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it? http://tfl.nu/ydx5
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.

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  (706): we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk. http://tfl.nu/l985
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.

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  (217): I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos. http://tfl.nu/dg53
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I think we should see other people.

  (1-207): View more from Maine

  Already working on it.

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  (207): I think we should see other people. (1-207): Already working on it. http://tfl.nu/a8l6
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  (925): View more from California

  is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her

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  (925): is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her http://tfl.nu/rdgr
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  That's weird, I usually just count sheep

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  (778): I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now (604): That's weird, I usually just count sheep http://tfl.nu/h1kv
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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  (732): come over i need a lifeguard for my shower http://tfl.nu/1qns
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings

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  (724): dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings http://tfl.nu/fi5x
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  did you fuck him yet?

  (1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?

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  (902): did you fuck him yet? (1-902): hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun? http://tfl.nu/r4bc
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  (714): View more from California

  So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him

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  (714): So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him http://tfl.nu/b7ho
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night

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  (815): I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night http://tfl.nu/p9mu
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  my mouth tastes like poor choices

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  (401): my mouth tastes like poor choices http://tfl.nu/2d46
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

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  (404): I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life. http://tfl.nu/huxl
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Gross. gingers suck

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  (313): Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you (248): Gross. gingers suck http://tfl.nu/yt8q
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  what if I'm pregnant?

  (848): View more from New Jersey

  smusmorshion

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  (908): what if I'm pregnant? (848): smusmorshion http://tfl.nu/vksj
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  (607): View more from New York

  please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already

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  (607): please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already http://tfl.nu/5kxb
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies

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  (906): Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies http://tfl.nu/62p5
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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  (248): Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting." http://tfl.nu/6v74
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  Shut up. I did not.

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I really wish I was making that up.

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  (918): You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras. (1-918): Shut up. I did not. (918): I really wish I was making that up. http://tfl.nu/wbcz
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  dude how high are you right now?

  (256): View more from Alabama

  do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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  (256): i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground. (1-256): dude how high are you right now? (256): do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves. http://tfl.nu/7ihc
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  how was ur day?

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.

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  (417): how was ur day? (405): this is strictly sexting don't make small talk. http://tfl.nu/95h7
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in

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  (817): I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in http://tfl.nu/jhp8
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  (207): View more from Maine

  He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.

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  (207): He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time. http://tfl.nu/24re
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?

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  (519): I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right? http://tfl.nu/a685
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.

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  (540): Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,. http://tfl.nu/tnkk
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.

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  (314): I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though. http://tfl.nu/qm3u
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?

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  (802): Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever? http://tfl.nu/bljl
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  (555): View more from

  Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.

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  (555): Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style. http://tfl.nu/a25z
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.

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  (813): I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life. http://tfl.nu/zrqp
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss

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  (781): My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss http://tfl.nu/yqt0
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.

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  (770): FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot (770): Your boyfriend has good rhythm though. http://tfl.nu/p3nu
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me

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  (973): RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO (908) dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me http://tfl.nu/s889
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  :O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"

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  (971): :O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out" http://tfl.nu/uf6x
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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  (337): Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning. http://tfl.nu/g9g5
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.

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  (513): I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence. http://tfl.nu/wy8q
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.

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  (301): you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off. http://tfl.nu/9btz
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype

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  (515): You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype http://tfl.nu/ca23
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful

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  (816): Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful http://tfl.nu/oafq
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.

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  (423): pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards. http://tfl.nu/9pdc
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.

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  (334): Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me. http://tfl.nu/y7m9
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.

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  (913): They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this. http://tfl.nu/muxl
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.

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  (503): We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first. http://tfl.nu/hwjj
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'

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  (503): some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?' http://tfl.nu/rnao
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before

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  (416): Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before http://tfl.nu/meit
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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  (240): When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again. http://tfl.nu/1y07
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean

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  (+44): just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean http://tfl.nu/t9ec
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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  (662): I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits" http://tfl.nu/79pd
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet

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  (571): All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet http://tfl.nu/3sbr
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  (949): View more from California

  Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s

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  (949): Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s http://tfl.nu/wt0n
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  (716): View more from New York

  my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

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  (716): my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in? http://tfl.nu/3561
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.

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  (440): If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times. http://tfl.nu/5360
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick

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  (708): this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick http://tfl.nu/q9ek
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.

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  (917): Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us. http://tfl.nu/44xm
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.

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  (937): i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage. http://tfl.nu/bqw6
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?

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  (541): If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs? http://tfl.nu/k19f
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

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  (540): I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here. http://tfl.nu/rnyh
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  (585): View more from New York

  im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed

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  (585): im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed http://tfl.nu/eq1c
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

  (1-201): View more from New Jersey

  youre welcome

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  (201): at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.." (1-201): youre welcome http://tfl.nu/sjha
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  No. Take one for the team.

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  (314): He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed? (1-314): No. Take one for the team. http://tfl.nu/7euo
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.

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  (317): Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week. http://tfl.nu/d9gv
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.

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  (847): Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too. http://tfl.nu/lfcy
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.

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  (540): It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd. http://tfl.nu/h39y
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches

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  (732): I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches http://tfl.nu/f64u
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".

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  (910): After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could". http://tfl.nu/pxbj
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Hi, my name's audrey!

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Max?

  (740): View more from Ohio

  Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.

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  (740): Hi, my name's audrey! (614): Max? (740): Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk. http://tfl.nu/di7n
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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  (304): I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God." http://tfl.nu/1oy5
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...

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  (904): I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem... http://tfl.nu/1w4y
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  (909): View more from California

  Would you still love me if I had no teeth

  (1-909): View more from California

  Yeah why?

  (909): View more from California

  Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone

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  (909): Would you still love me if I had no teeth (1-909): Yeah why? (909): Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone http://tfl.nu/a6a1
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone

  (802): View more from Vermont

  Tonite tequila might call you

  (802): View more from Vermont

  Be prepared

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  (802): Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone (802): Tonite tequila might call you (802): Be prepared http://tfl.nu/qx1s
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.

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  (414): I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex. http://tfl.nu/ut6h
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.

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  (678): Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that. http://tfl.nu/i43f
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.

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  (512): I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now. http://tfl.nu/d3l4
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.

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  (540): She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic. http://tfl.nu/cwdw
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  (530): View more from California

  I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.

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  (530): I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons. http://tfl.nu/pcjk
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  (310): View more from California

  kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.

  (1-310): View more from California

  damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.

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  (310): kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley. (1-310): damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now. http://tfl.nu/1545
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...

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  (732): Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken... http://tfl.nu/8g1q
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.

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  (989): I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis. http://tfl.nu/oi4a
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother

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  (970): they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother http://tfl.nu/e7je
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.

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  (719): You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job. http://tfl.nu/yqtc
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment

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  (314): I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment http://tfl.nu/5u6p
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina

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  (636): she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina http://tfl.nu/0ynp
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  (727): View more from Florida

  when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.

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  (727): when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test. http://tfl.nu/l54a
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong

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  (740): You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong http://tfl.nu/17fl
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I smell like Captain Morgan and tears

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  (860): I smell like Captain Morgan and tears http://tfl.nu/pqes
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.

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  (908): You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams. http://tfl.nu/yznu
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."

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  (717): She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen." http://tfl.nu/c7q3
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.

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  (217): Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls. http://tfl.nu/z40q
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.

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  (423): We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands. http://tfl.nu/9yq1
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome

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  (920): So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome http://tfl.nu/oppr
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"

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  (219): U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus" http://tfl.nu/8y4p
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.

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  (732): He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs. http://tfl.nu/h7d3
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

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  (814): when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged http://tfl.nu/78pb
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

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  (218): The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME http://tfl.nu/4k9l
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...

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  (713): Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation... http://tfl.nu/5jek
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.

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  (240): Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic. http://tfl.nu/gchg
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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  (443): booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again http://tfl.nu/1mb1
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.

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  (301): My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it. http://tfl.nu/gp6s
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.

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  (610): I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed. http://tfl.nu/xw1f
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight

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  (610): 3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight http://tfl.nu/lsa5
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  (360): View more from Washington

  you inspire me to be a worse person

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  (360): you inspire me to be a worse person http://tfl.nu/en33
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.

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  (304): You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar. http://tfl.nu/zoyd
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.

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  (336): okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style. http://tfl.nu/uhtz
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family

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  (503): If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family http://tfl.nu/rf5e
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you

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  (330): I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you http://tfl.nu/tpxb
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  (805): View more from California

  Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.

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  (805): Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy. http://tfl.nu/cdtm
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed

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  (717): I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed http://tfl.nu/mass
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"

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  (778): we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go" http://tfl.nu/uvr2
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.

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  (423): This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are. http://tfl.nu/kzc0
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  (253): View more from Washington

  So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?

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  (253): So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..? http://tfl.nu/v5ou
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?

  (1-337): View more from Louisiana

  4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds

  (337): View more from Louisiana

  mom cant say that college never taught us math

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  (337): if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning? (1-337): 4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds (337): mom cant say that college never taught us math http://tfl.nu/a37s
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  (661): View more from California

  if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.

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  (661): if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies. http://tfl.nu/xdyr
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  (650): View more from California

  I love my bros weed

  (650): View more from California

  Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though

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  (650): I love my bros weed (650): Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though http://tfl.nu/whw4
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Sorry, I don't speak sober.

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  (613): Sorry, I don't speak sober. http://tfl.nu/dwuu
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  (940): View more from Texas

  nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that

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  (940): nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that http://tfl.nu/ymub
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  (941): View more from Florida

  can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

  (1-941): View more from Florida

  idk, I had a turtle in mine.

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  (941): can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat? (1-941): idk, I had a turtle in mine. http://tfl.nu/ag7m
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.

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  (502): Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit. http://tfl.nu/13ky
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning

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  (252): Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning http://tfl.nu/yyg5
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  (489): View more from

  watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .

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  (489): watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on . http://tfl.nu/coqw
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.

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  (215): distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard. http://tfl.nu/840x
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period

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  (302): some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period http://tfl.nu/2c6q
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house

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  (973): Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house http://tfl.nu/x9ej
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.

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  (201): Having kids is risky. They might end up weird. http://tfl.nu/gtfl
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.

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  (229): Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment. http://tfl.nu/tuh7
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I wanna come home

  (1-270): View more from Kentucky

  And do what?

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.

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  (270): I wanna come home (1-270): And do what? (270): Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat. http://tfl.nu/i6u9
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes

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  (801): Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes http://tfl.nu/lgb8
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  (214): View more from Texas

  She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.

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  (214): She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister. http://tfl.nu/9ks8
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.

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  (330): Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper. http://tfl.nu/vs2k
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... ..