labellavitax's Favorites Texts:

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  (+61): View more from Australia

  Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry

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  (+61): Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry http://tfl.nu/2c34
  Replies (5) Good night (163) Bad night (428) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense

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  (724): I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense http://tfl.nu/8zya
  Replies (3) Good night (376) Bad night (152) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"

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  (512): Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants" http://tfl.nu/ccmr
  Replies (3) Good night (512) Bad night (133) Order T-Shirt
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.

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  (+64): If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help. http://tfl.nu/n5gu
  Replies (1) Good night (425) Bad night (121) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.

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  (816): I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome. http://tfl.nu/4io1
  Replies (3) Good night (723) Bad night (150) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.

  (707): View more from California

  And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.

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  (707): Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful. (707): And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead. http://tfl.nu/n413
  Replies (3) Good night (643) Bad night (216)
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.

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  (204): NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees. http://tfl.nu/cysh
  Replies (1) Good night (315) Bad night (136) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.

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  (814): I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution. http://tfl.nu/kc8l
  Replies (1) Good night (455) Bad night (132) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me

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  (801): I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me http://tfl.nu/6usl
  Replies (8) Good night (1347) Bad night (118) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor

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  (425): I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor http://tfl.nu/0wlf
  Replies (0) Good night (137) Bad night (266) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday

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  (847): Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday http://tfl.nu/gokz
  Replies (2) Good night (175) Bad night (303) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."

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  (617): I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..." http://tfl.nu/x7hv
  Replies (1) Good night (526) Bad night (166) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.

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  (604): I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me. http://tfl.nu/gmo1
  Replies (8) Good night (1074) Bad night (358) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.

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  (201): If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses. http://tfl.nu/91v1
  Replies (0) Good night (367) Bad night (116) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...

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  (407): Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school... http://tfl.nu/m7rc
  Replies (2) Good night (503) Bad night (218) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.

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  (775): Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers. http://tfl.nu/u3nj
  Replies (3) Good night (450) Bad night (149) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness

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  (615): A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness http://tfl.nu/k0cp
  Replies (1) Good night (396) Bad night (139) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle

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  (570): Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle http://tfl.nu/qz61
  Replies (2) Good night (752) Bad night (130) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.

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  (901): First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer. http://tfl.nu/seyu
  Replies (3) Good night (556) Bad night (175) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.

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  (203): You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity (1-203): You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in. http://tfl.nu/9k8g
  Replies (1) Good night (772) Bad night (156)
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I think I died last night.

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Yeah, you got carried home

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  (708): I think I died last night. (414): Yeah, you got carried home http://tfl.nu/8211
  Replies (1) Good night (412) Bad night (139)
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Sure. But we have to be quiet.

  (1-775): View more from Nevada

  Ninja mode activated

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  (775): Sure. But we have to be quiet. (1-775): Ninja mode activated http://tfl.nu/1wq1
  Replies (5) Good night (1064) Bad night (155) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.

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  (978): I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again. http://tfl.nu/29ts
  Replies (6) Good night (457) Bad night (170) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.

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  (404): New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold. http://tfl.nu/ite7
  Replies (3) Good night (534) Bad night (154) Order T-Shirt
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself

  (1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

  You mean maximum 5?

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  (306): I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself (1-306): You mean maximum 5? http://tfl.nu/1ybr
  Replies (5) Good night (814) Bad night (160) Order T-Shirt
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.

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  (289): I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward. http://tfl.nu/nn3r
  Replies (4) Good night (281) Bad night (528) Order T-Shirt
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture

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  (319): You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture http://tfl.nu/kmrh
  Replies (2) Good night (492) Bad night (173) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great

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  (610): I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great http://tfl.nu/gyhs
  Replies (2) Good night (891) Bad night (161) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?

  (1-503): View more from Oregon

  Locking that text forever.

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  (503): I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt? (1-503): Locking that text forever. http://tfl.nu/8ooh
  Replies (0) Good night (645) Bad night (233)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.

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  (785): I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves. http://tfl.nu/0ncq
  Replies (1) Good night (334) Bad night (159) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  My god, what have you done?

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  (203): Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship. (1-203): My god, what have you done? http://tfl.nu/3iim
  Replies (3) Good night (1385) Bad night (294) Order T-Shirt
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.

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  (321): I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out. http://tfl.nu/5y00
  Replies (4) Good night (1413) Bad night (144) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms

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  (425): I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms http://tfl.nu/pltl
  Replies (7) Good night (584) Bad night (257) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  You can't just leave with hair like that

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  (248): You can't just leave with hair like that http://tfl.nu/83ql
  Replies (2) Good night (360) Bad night (209) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately

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  (701): I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately http://tfl.nu/hiyd
  Replies (2) Good night (530) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.

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  (919): You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober. http://tfl.nu/j9kh
  Replies (0) Good night (298) Bad night (147) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  all my money is vodka money

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  I have never read a truer sentence.

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  (734): all my money is vodka money (1-734): I have never read a truer sentence. http://tfl.nu/947v
  Replies (0) Good night (625) Bad night (146) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?

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  (214): Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend? http://tfl.nu/qooe
  Replies (1) Good night (542) Bad night (148) Order T-Shirt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.

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  (780): You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic. http://tfl.nu/85dj
  Replies (1) Good night (310) Bad night (375) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.

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  (315): I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly. http://tfl.nu/59ai
  Replies (7) Good night (441) Bad night (224) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"

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  (248): Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion" http://tfl.nu/821u
  Replies (3) Good night (570) Bad night (163) Order T-Shirt
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.

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  (423): True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do. http://tfl.nu/f7pn
  Replies (2) Good night (535) Bad night (137) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.

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  (541): I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards. http://tfl.nu/slrk
  Replies (1) Good night (383) Bad night (156) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.

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  (619): Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming. http://tfl.nu/68ul
  Replies (4) Good night (586) Bad night (243) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.

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  (609): When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome. http://tfl.nu/ourm
  Replies (1) Good night (660) Bad night (167) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.

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  (313): From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours. http://tfl.nu/36vr
  Replies (4) Good night (598) Bad night (259) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE

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  (916): There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE http://tfl.nu/puex
  Replies (2) Good night (547) Bad night (158) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.

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  (905): Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk. http://tfl.nu/f6av
  Replies (3) Good night (557) Bad night (181) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.

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  (616): You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today. http://tfl.nu/z6l8
  Replies (2) Good night (612) Bad night (172) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.

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  (917): I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting. http://tfl.nu/4lzp
  Replies (7) Good night (1212) Bad night (174) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame

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  (914): Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame http://tfl.nu/j5ak
  Replies (9) Good night (2665) Bad night (1089) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.

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  (513): Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me. http://tfl.nu/5lbu
  Replies (5) Good night (1039) Bad night (456) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame

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  (303): Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame http://tfl.nu/4ytk
  Replies (1) Good night (550) Bad night (219) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.

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  (201): Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us. http://tfl.nu/sjtk
  Replies (1) Good night (311) Bad night (179)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.

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  (416): I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses. http://tfl.nu/2j5j
  Replies (1) Good night (296) Bad night (150) Order T-Shirt
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.

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  (605): I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk. http://tfl.nu/q1g3
  Replies (4) Good night (428) Bad night (196)
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY

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  (204): HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY http://tfl.nu/xzgm
  Replies (6) Good night (721) Bad night (163) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.

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  (612): I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them. http://tfl.nu/b8xn
  Replies (3) Good night (579) Bad night (176) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.

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  (828): Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart. http://tfl.nu/7jwu
  Replies (2) Good night (617) Bad night (170) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.

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  (310): I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there. http://tfl.nu/77nt
  Replies (1) Good night (659) Bad night (178) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.

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  (757): Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there. http://tfl.nu/k4p8
  Replies (0) Good night (544) Bad night (164) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.

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  (310): Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch. http://tfl.nu/am85
  Replies (3) Good night (679) Bad night (192) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?

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  (859): Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less? http://tfl.nu/3zmk
  Replies (5) Good night (996) Bad night (207) Order T-Shirt
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.

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  (316): I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry. http://tfl.nu/w045
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  (310): View more from California

  All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.

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  (310): All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta. http://tfl.nu/aprf
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  (253): View more from Washington

  she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.

  (206): View more from Washington

  so that's what that room is for...

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  (253): she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows. (206): so that's what that room is for... http://tfl.nu/5gyi
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  What should I say back?

  (1-541): View more from Oregon

  Well, how do you want the conversation to go?

  (541): View more from Oregon

  Straight into my pants.

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  (541): What should I say back? (1-541): Well, how do you want the conversation to go? (541): Straight into my pants. http://tfl.nu/5wls
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.

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  (781): MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE. http://tfl.nu/t2xt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.

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  (734): I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first. http://tfl.nu/6gn4
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me

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  (816): Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me http://tfl.nu/eiw2
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross

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  (740): Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross http://tfl.nu/1tyn
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.

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  (318): She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust. http://tfl.nu/o3wc
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  He's the conductor of the struggle bus

  (1-413): View more from Massachusetts

  I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS

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  (413): He's the conductor of the struggle bus (1-413): I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS http://tfl.nu/k1kz
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...

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  (231): Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night... http://tfl.nu/5nvm
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.

  (208): View more from Idaho

  Especially drunk mermaids.

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  (208): That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck. (208): Especially drunk mermaids. http://tfl.nu/soai
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.

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  (240): You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over. http://tfl.nu/m9ag
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  (727): View more from Florida

  You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know

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  (727): You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know http://tfl.nu/dtxn
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.

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  (410): well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you. http://tfl.nu/1rtw
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.

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  (651): I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do. http://tfl.nu/obfe
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  (747): View more from California

  That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!

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  (747): That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away! http://tfl.nu/9pk5
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.

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  (330): I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again. http://tfl.nu/tjdc
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  (707): View more from California

  I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.

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  (707): I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made. http://tfl.nu/x9xf
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.

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  (339): In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese. http://tfl.nu/cela
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.

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  (515): No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today. http://tfl.nu/dl5o
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  (805): View more from California

  I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.

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  (805): I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly. http://tfl.nu/8ih5
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  (310): View more from California

  for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.

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  (310): for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex. http://tfl.nu/87fe
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.

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  (614): Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this. http://tfl.nu/rk1o
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  (585): View more from New York

  i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.

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  (585): i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope. http://tfl.nu/beur
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.

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  (506): I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number. http://tfl.nu/oux0
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.

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  (267): The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them. http://tfl.nu/ubes
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.

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  (208): i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home. http://tfl.nu/7itp
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.

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  (952): I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous. http://tfl.nu/ct4x
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Its not chugging if its just one gulp

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  (808): Its not chugging if its just one gulp http://tfl.nu/zj3j
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.

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  (703): HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER. http://tfl.nu/g3ji
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong

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  (215): candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong http://tfl.nu/hvis
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up

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  (850): I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up http://tfl.nu/4e9b
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.

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  (+44): Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face. http://tfl.nu/j54i
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"

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  (513): You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT" http://tfl.nu/mncx
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  im in the post action - pre consequence stage.

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  (215): im in the post action - pre consequence stage. http://tfl.nu/y2lc
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?

  (1-616): View more from Michigan

  we need a secret handshake

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  (616): time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night? (1-616): we need a secret handshake http://tfl.nu/i0zy
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  (850): View more from Florida

  For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.

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  (850): For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot. http://tfl.nu/k004
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.

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  (712): You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home. http://tfl.nu/2ggi
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.

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  (541): They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully. http://tfl.nu/5ynt
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  (940): View more from Texas

  An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.

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  (940): An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese. http://tfl.nu/bzrb
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."

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  (303): I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions." http://tfl.nu/0cl8
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.

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  (248): Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds. http://tfl.nu/tb7m
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.

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  (614): Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles. http://tfl.nu/gha2
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.

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  (704): We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure. http://tfl.nu/1ib6
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.

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  (705): He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on. http://tfl.nu/2ncf
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me

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  (732): I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me http://tfl.nu/tpku
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  (716): View more from New York

  it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.

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  (716): it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality. http://tfl.nu/d5wl
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.

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  (715): We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her. http://tfl.nu/sx8g
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.

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  (901): The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand. http://tfl.nu/pvju
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths

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  (240): She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths http://tfl.nu/lqw0
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  (819): View more from Quebec

  I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.

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  (819): I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis. http://tfl.nu/mdgl
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.

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  (610): I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka. http://tfl.nu/ytpq
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....

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  (989): I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants.... http://tfl.nu/17h8
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.

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  (412): My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help. http://tfl.nu/9s63
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.

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  (859): Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down. http://tfl.nu/u8oc
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.

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  (337): Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work. http://tfl.nu/3b5u
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  (949): View more from California

  Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut

  (714): View more from California

  I think mark twain said that originally

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  (949): Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut (714): I think mark twain said that originally http://tfl.nu/28hc
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.

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  (706): He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex. http://tfl.nu/pzxj
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink

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  (313): You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink http://tfl.nu/6677
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.

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  (937): Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you. http://tfl.nu/6dat
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  (310): View more from California

  What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.

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  (310): What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business. http://tfl.nu/a4r2
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.

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  (306): This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks. http://tfl.nu/6laj
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again

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  (704): I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again http://tfl.nu/6zh5
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  From one hot mess to another... Get it together.

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  (706): From one hot mess to another... Get it together. http://tfl.nu/0xgv
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.

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  (604): Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele. http://tfl.nu/5la0
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation

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  (931): My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation http://tfl.nu/stoh
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire

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  (734): Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire http://tfl.nu/5fup
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?

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  (913): Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk? http://tfl.nu/ufjz
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self

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  (423): Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self http://tfl.nu/t1xo
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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  (215): Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you. http://tfl.nu/su7n
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  (254): View more from Texas

  We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.

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  (254): We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans. http://tfl.nu/t9r6
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?

  (647): View more from Ontario

  Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.

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  (416): arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house? (647): Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me. http://tfl.nu/yck0
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.

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  (405): Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk. http://tfl.nu/bh9n
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary

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  (514): It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary http://tfl.nu/a9h3
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?

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  (785): Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird? http://tfl.nu/9vh0
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any

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  (606): Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any http://tfl.nu/tvgl
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants

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  (479): fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants http://tfl.nu/pys2
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me

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  (970): Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me http://tfl.nu/8oqe
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.

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  (785): Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want. http://tfl.nu/2jiy
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not

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  (717): C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not http://tfl.nu/iniv
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.

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  (260): He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him. http://tfl.nu/2xzg
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  (951): View more from California

  Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions

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  (951): Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions http://tfl.nu/xeve
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.

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  (812): I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle. http://tfl.nu/j0rx
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  (858): View more from California

  Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"

  (1-858): View more from California

  next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.

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  (858): Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him" (1-858): next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective. http://tfl.nu/n75w
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question

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  (336): Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question http://tfl.nu/9vj8
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.

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  (443): Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it. http://tfl.nu/cvh2
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  (323): View more from California

  Put some vodka in it

  (424): View more from California

  Its 7am

  (323): View more from California

  put some vodka in it

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  (323): Put some vodka in it (424): Its 7am (323): put some vodka in it http://tfl.nu/mu2b
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka

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  (732): I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka http://tfl.nu/793g
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  (510): View more from California

  Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.

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  (510): Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation. http://tfl.nu/xoud
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  You is good. You is important. You is a slut.

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  (678): You is good. You is important. You is a slut. http://tfl.nu/0cr6
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex

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  (574): how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex http://tfl.nu/ior9
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.

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  (678): Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques. http://tfl.nu/wk2i
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.

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  (412): So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T. http://tfl.nu/y888
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.

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  (215): my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue. http://tfl.nu/4yma
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  (207): View more from Maine

  It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.

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  (207): It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night. http://tfl.nu/zq29
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  (+81): View more from

  I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat

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  (+81): I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat http://tfl.nu/lmi0
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.

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  (616): this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it. http://tfl.nu/xeu6
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  (360): View more from Washington

  And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things

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  (360): And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things http://tfl.nu/rkjt
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  (315): View more from New York

  Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.

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  (315): Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised. http://tfl.nu/8j6k
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk

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  (780): Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk http://tfl.nu/rb5a
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack

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  (502): Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack http://tfl.nu/0ld5
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  (956): View more from Texas

  Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.

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  (956): Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout. http://tfl.nu/rol8
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.

  (443): View more from Maryland

  *jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for

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  (410): Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something. (443): *jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for http://tfl.nu/ud0q
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  (727): View more from Florida

  It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.

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  (727): It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside. http://tfl.nu/ic5n
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....

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  (202): Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed.... http://tfl.nu/91um
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I didn't notice because vodka

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  (832): I didn't notice because vodka http://tfl.nu/t52z
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.

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  (937): That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor. http://tfl.nu/5gnj
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.

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  (613): Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee. http://tfl.nu/d96h
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.

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  (515): My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker. http://tfl.nu/y9qd
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.

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  (918): Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time. http://tfl.nu/hv9q
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours. 

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  (778): Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.  http://tfl.nu/s2ri
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.

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  (816): God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency. http://tfl.nu/hky6
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  (408): View more from California

  Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.

  (408): View more from California

  Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly

  (1-408): View more from California

  I approve this so hard.

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  (408): Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon. (408): Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly (1-408): I approve this so hard. http://tfl.nu/8gh1
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  (415): View more from California

  Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.

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  (415): Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often. http://tfl.nu/cpju
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.

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  (267): Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal. http://tfl.nu/sw1l
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.

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  (901): I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad. http://tfl.nu/k439
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow

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  (612): SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow http://tfl.nu/34f4
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  (+81): View more from

  And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.

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  (+81): And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through. http://tfl.nu/ei8m
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  (845): View more from New York

  YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE

  (1-914): View more from New York

  YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.

  (845): View more from New York

  I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER

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  (845): YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE (1-914): YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING. (845): I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER http://tfl.nu/t573
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown

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  (+44): We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown http://tfl.nu/o3v8
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  (518): View more from New York

  The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.

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  (518): The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid. http://tfl.nu/6fga
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!

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  (312): I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success! http://tfl.nu/tj5b
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?

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  (504): Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh? http://tfl.nu/qv7w
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.

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  (217): Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons. http://tfl.nu/9jo6
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.

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  (563): Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break. http://tfl.nu/2dfj
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  (716): View more from New York

  Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth

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  (716): Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth http://tfl.nu/he9m
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.

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  (647): I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool. http://tfl.nu/nmia
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.

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  (417): I rocked my own world, he was just a prop. http://tfl.nu/bt1f
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty

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  (541): Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty http://tfl.nu/qyka
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  (530): View more from California

  It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.

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  (530): It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party. http://tfl.nu/8gbx
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  (818): View more from California

  end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin

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  (818): end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin http://tfl.nu/ky3g
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?

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  (780): Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat? http://tfl.nu/yo7z
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration

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  (617): I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration http://tfl.nu/vmlp
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.

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  (434): My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics. http://tfl.nu/jrhb
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"

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  (817): I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV" http://tfl.nu/rps9
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.

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  (910): I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex. http://tfl.nu/1bgl
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  It's a drunk scavenger hunt.

  (514): View more from Quebec

  Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.

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  (514): It's a drunk scavenger hunt. (514): Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked. http://tfl.nu/mf96
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  ...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text

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  (319): ...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text http://tfl.nu/8wuc
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options

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  (303): We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options http://tfl.nu/lflv
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.

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  (647): I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks. http://tfl.nu/gjaq
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  (+86): View more from China

  Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.

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  (+86): Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs. http://tfl.nu/vpgv
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.

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  (202): I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects. http://tfl.nu/vyxz
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".

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  (678): His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high". http://tfl.nu/jgmh
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?

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  (405): Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it? http://tfl.nu/wmow
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.

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  (717): I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets. http://tfl.nu/qvke
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.

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  (413): I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS. http://tfl.nu/290q
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"

  (815): View more from Illinois

  I stand by it.

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  (507): You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her" (815): I stand by it. http://tfl.nu/atfq
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.

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  (330): Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me. http://tfl.nu/bro7
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.

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  (512): I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home. http://tfl.nu/rsl1
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER

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  (434): THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER http://tfl.nu/7inm
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  (772): View more from Florida

  Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.

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  (772): Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with. http://tfl.nu/bsvi
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.

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  (252): I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction. http://tfl.nu/uetm
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  i can't, we're worse now

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  (519): please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen (1-519): i can't, we're worse now http://tfl.nu/v8g3
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.

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  (215): I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that. http://tfl.nu/2qs0
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  (916): View more from California

  I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka

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  (916): I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka http://tfl.nu/57f9
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.

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  (479): Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical. http://tfl.nu/g3fg
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.

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  (321): It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises. http://tfl.nu/1767
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....

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  (912): Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time.... http://tfl.nu/fwcj
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.

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  (+44): I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership. http://tfl.nu/vlyz
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.

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  (330): Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing. http://tfl.nu/k9wn
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.

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  (+61): The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over. http://tfl.nu/0wud
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  (585): View more from New York

  Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.

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  (585): Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship. http://tfl.nu/lc1v
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  (415): View more from California

  I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.

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  (415): I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not. http://tfl.nu/y17v
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  (214): View more from Texas

  You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.

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  (214): You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS. http://tfl.nu/zazd
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.

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  (616): Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy. http://tfl.nu/lqb9
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  (607): View more from New York

  you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."

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  (607): you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland." http://tfl.nu/m13s
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"

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  (703): Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up" http://tfl.nu/thd5
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.

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  (630): I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver. http://tfl.nu/scdz
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.

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  (318): I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna. http://tfl.nu/hik5
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Twice...

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  (404): Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it? (717): Twice... http://tfl.nu/e2vh
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.

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  (208): Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/1euv
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game

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  (775): Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game http://tfl.nu/pqd8
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  (310): View more from California

  How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.

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  (310): How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks. http://tfl.nu/m7ju
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  (213): View more from California

  you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say

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  (213): you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say http://tfl.nu/62ic
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often

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  (208): Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often http://tfl.nu/tod9
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'

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  (817): I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?' http://tfl.nu/9wvu
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  (818): View more from California

  idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations

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  (818): idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations http://tfl.nu/k8zk
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  NoShamevember. You game?

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  (615): NoShamevember. You game? http://tfl.nu/f24z
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm just crazy horny about you

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  (215): I'm just crazy horny about you http://tfl.nu/n9zt
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.

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  (479): I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk. http://tfl.nu/vgj4
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  (585): View more from New York

  Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook

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  (585): Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook http://tfl.nu/4sfp
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver

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  (228): We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver http://tfl.nu/kd5u
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.

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  (573): I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner. http://tfl.nu/bcl8
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?

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  (908): do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"? http://tfl.nu/vbms
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"

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  (817): I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months" http://tfl.nu/023g
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...

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  (512): I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to... http://tfl.nu/6eke
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  (518): View more from New York

  Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.

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  (518): Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try. http://tfl.nu/4xiu
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy

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  (614): I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy http://tfl.nu/28is
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?

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  (208): I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off? http://tfl.nu/5ghu
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  (818): View more from California

  My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.

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  (818): My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place. http://tfl.nu/mphg
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  (845): View more from New York

  I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings

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  (845): I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings http://tfl.nu/ny97
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.

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  (605): I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way. http://tfl.nu/xvcq
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.

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  (720): We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins. http://tfl.nu/ctwf
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake

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  (314): We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake http://tfl.nu/bbs3
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year

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  (702): Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year http://tfl.nu/tm45
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me

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  (973): An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me http://tfl.nu/o6hs
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.

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  (920): I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months. http://tfl.nu/4vnx
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  (914): View more from New York

  Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"

  (1-914): View more from New York

  New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak

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  (914): Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits" (1-914): New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak http://tfl.nu/prur
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult

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  (504): lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult http://tfl.nu/w1mp
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.

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  (978): Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on. http://tfl.nu/i5sb
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  (469): View more from Texas

  I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.

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  (469): I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess. http://tfl.nu/eyc8
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.

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  (814): Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME. http://tfl.nu/nij2
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.

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  (307): i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears. http://tfl.nu/ndjg
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.

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  (218): found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging. http://tfl.nu/wawj
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day

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  (216): Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day http://tfl.nu/avmh
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  do u know what happened to the bottles last night?

  (1-250): View more from British Columbia

  apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone

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  (250): do u know what happened to the bottles last night? (1-250): apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone http://tfl.nu/opnd
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  It's like the Christmas morning of dicks

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  (612): I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep. (651): It's like the Christmas morning of dicks http://tfl.nu/nghh
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I have a surprise for you guys

  (937): View more from Ohio

  What is it?

  (740): View more from Ohio

  A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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  (740): I have a surprise for you guys (937): What is it? (740): A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS http://tfl.nu/bt31
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster

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  (870): I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster http://tfl.nu/2cv6
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT

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  (404): Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT http://tfl.nu/tfsq
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  (559): View more from California

  I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.

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  (559): I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs. http://tfl.nu/m1ws
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  (530): View more from California

  My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed

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  (530): My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed http://tfl.nu/lqy8
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  (607): View more from New York

  I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.

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  (607): I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs. http://tfl.nu/nmbl
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  (904): View more from Florida

  The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.

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  (904): The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins. http://tfl.nu/2pe6
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  (469): View more from Texas

  HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.

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  (469): HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK. http://tfl.nu/uhfo
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  (646): View more from New York

  Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.

  (646): View more from New York

  Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die

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  (646): Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens. (646): Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die http://tfl.nu/6x7r
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center

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  (404): Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center http://tfl.nu/qm46
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season

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  (601): I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season http://tfl.nu/0ij4
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  (315): View more from New York

  Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok

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  (315): Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok http://tfl.nu/1uoa
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.

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  (719): I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster. http://tfl.nu/ckt2
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool

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  (778): He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool http://tfl.nu/x8lz
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  You fucker.

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  (603): Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age. (1-603): You fucker. http://tfl.nu/7pi3
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.

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  (304): It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town. http://tfl.nu/067f
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?

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  (570): Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear? http://tfl.nu/z5ck
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  (518): View more from New York

  Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.

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  (518): Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk. http://tfl.nu/lrcf
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.

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  (907): I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind. http://tfl.nu/12c7
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL

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  (319): WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER (1-319): THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL http://tfl.nu/179q
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Bang-toberfest begins!!

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  (662): Bang-toberfest begins!! http://tfl.nu/i6ge
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.

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  (912): Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well. http://tfl.nu/02op
  Replies (4) Good night (1220) Bad night (355)
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  (760): View more from California

  Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.

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  (760): Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security. http://tfl.nu/lxl5
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message

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  (719): If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message http://tfl.nu/usun
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted

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  (402): Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted http://tfl.nu/8l0y
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"

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  (334): We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!" http://tfl.nu/8nad
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.

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  (514): Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night. http://tfl.nu/qzgt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?

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  (503): Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them? http://tfl.nu/lznr
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.

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  (928): I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug. http://tfl.nu/ikjc
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  (281): View more from Texas

  No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower

  (1-281): View more from Texas

  This could be the definition of living by yourself

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  (281): No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower (1-281): This could be the definition of living by yourself http://tfl.nu/oh63
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour

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  (937): Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour http://tfl.nu/gdsh
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.

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  (416): BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me. http://tfl.nu/xkbl
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.

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  (724): The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent. http://tfl.nu/afyt
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  (819): View more from Quebec

  I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.

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  (819): I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex. http://tfl.nu/mg33
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Why do you think she gets more guys?

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that

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  (603): Why do you think she gets more guys? (1-603): well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that http://tfl.nu/1cti
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  (585): View more from New York

  Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.

  (1-585): View more from New York

  How high are you?

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  (585): Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies. (1-585): How high are you? http://tfl.nu/ixro
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  (914): View more from New York

  Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant

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  (914): Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant http://tfl.nu/t0nu
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.

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  (678): It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes. http://tfl.nu/rtfu
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden

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  (201): we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden http://tfl.nu/jtve
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.

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  (303): Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish. http://tfl.nu/hxa3
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.

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  (785): Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles. http://tfl.nu/6y3a
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.

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  (514): I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed. http://tfl.nu/63hq
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  (512): View more from Texas

  She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.

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  (512): She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on. http://tfl.nu/lja4
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze

  (713): View more from Texas

  My liver has a boner

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  (832): But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze (713): My liver has a boner http://tfl.nu/y8xq
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.

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  (817): Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer. http://tfl.nu/fjqn
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with

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  (860): Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with http://tfl.nu/09mm
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.

  (1-715): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.

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  (715): If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues. (1-715): I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes. http://tfl.nu/6qvu
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  (631): View more from New York

  She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

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  (631): She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real. http://tfl.nu/p8fj
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  (415): View more from California

  Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?

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  (415): Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking? http://tfl.nu/sizi
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth

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  (808): At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth http://tfl.nu/4jaz
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  (315): View more from New York

  you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.

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  (315): you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/5ljo
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?

  (1-859): View more from Kentucky

  It's after 5, it's not day drinking.

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  (859): Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester? (1-859): It's after 5, it's not day drinking. http://tfl.nu/fzca
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week

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  (636): A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week http://tfl.nu/594f
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.

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  (214): Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds. http://tfl.nu/uk4u
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.

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  (617): The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead. http://tfl.nu/eujj
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  (360): View more from Washington

  that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...

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  (360): that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem... http://tfl.nu/rc3g
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  (916): View more from California

  I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want

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  (916): I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want http://tfl.nu/luqp
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.

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  (812): I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together. http://tfl.nu/6uns
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.

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  (610): I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life. http://tfl.nu/8k8d
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  It's a journey

  (1-907): View more from Alaska

  And the destination is his penis?

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Precisely.

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  (907): It's a journey (1-907): And the destination is his penis? (907): Precisely. http://tfl.nu/ln5a
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  (408): View more from California

  Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship

  (817): View more from Texas

  Last one there wins

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  (408): Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship (817): Last one there wins http://tfl.nu/wuri
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.

  (1+61): View more from

  Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.

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  (+61): I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover. (1+61): Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer. http://tfl.nu/so7s
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.

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  (706): You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT. http://tfl.nu/osv9
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You are a booty call, not a friend.

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  (314): You are a booty call, not a friend. http://tfl.nu/bgd1
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.

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  (608): I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever. http://tfl.nu/xcdq
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Thats for me to know and you to find out.

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  (519): Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning (416): Thats for me to know and you to find out. http://tfl.nu/ors0
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  (850): View more from Florida

  He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.

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  (850): He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable. http://tfl.nu/zo4w
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship

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  (813): I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship http://tfl.nu/ql51
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.

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  (605): Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it. http://tfl.nu/7cyq
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"

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  (201): Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class" http://tfl.nu/e4eb
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.

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  (815): if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover. http://tfl.nu/myhj
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

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  (541): Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule. http://tfl.nu/eokl
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.

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  (719): I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon. http://tfl.nu/f6i1
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.

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  (563): I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked. http://tfl.nu/l7dr
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?

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  (519): All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask? http://tfl.nu/p3wm
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem

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  (610): I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem http://tfl.nu/q0gs
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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  (506): my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend http://tfl.nu/ehpb
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership

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  (256): I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership http://tfl.nu/f2mt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.

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  (207): Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing. http://tfl.nu/esgk
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.

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  (636): So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN. http://tfl.nu/pnvk
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  (512): View more from Texas

  We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."

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  (512): We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get." http://tfl.nu/dl94
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Vodka?

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Forever.

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  (703): Vodka? (202): Forever. http://tfl.nu/90ug
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  That is a hangover

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I would prefer a headache

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  (215): Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame (267): That is a hangover (215): I would prefer a headache http://tfl.nu/ewcu
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV

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  (978): Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV http://tfl.nu/diup
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.

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  (575): It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest. http://tfl.nu/dnlf
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing

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  (309): adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing http://tfl.nu/dxv4
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.

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  (910): I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend. http://tfl.nu/txzp
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  (408): View more from California

  My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.

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  (408): My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now. http://tfl.nu/tbbh
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.

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  (816): Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines. http://tfl.nu/u22h
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course

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  (612): It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course http://tfl.nu/673n
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  (707): View more from California

  Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.

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  (707): Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready. http://tfl.nu/moy8
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.

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  (917): Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people. http://tfl.nu/tw6k
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.

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  (416): It's like shitshowville, population: those girls. http://tfl.nu/vlzn
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.

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  (701): She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down. http://tfl.nu/f22r
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.

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  (214): I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be. http://tfl.nu/287t
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

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  (704): this is really not the time to pretend we have morals http://tfl.nu/j8ot
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there

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  (770): it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there http://tfl.nu/89or
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...

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  (+61): He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him... http://tfl.nu/efrg
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  (254): View more from Texas

  you are never too drunk for berry picking

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  (254): you are never too drunk for berry picking http://tfl.nu/1gaj
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym

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  (781): Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym http://tfl.nu/lv47
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  (949): View more from California

  I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall

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  (949): I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall http://tfl.nu/bi4y
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  (858): View more from California

  Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm

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  (858): Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm http://tfl.nu/x3tv
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now

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  (954): I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now http://tfl.nu/o3a4
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.

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  (303): Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of. http://tfl.nu/nhk5
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.

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  (785): We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool. http://tfl.nu/h5uz
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU

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  (816): If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU http://tfl.nu/815m
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  (718): View more from New York

  Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.

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  (718): Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made. http://tfl.nu/tzd1
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project

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  (207): I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project http://tfl.nu/3ddm
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF

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  (304): Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF http://tfl.nu/pima
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation

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  (303): I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation http://tfl.nu/r6lh
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  (210): View more from Texas

  You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'

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  (210): You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive' http://tfl.nu/9ya7
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.

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  (312): Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila. http://tfl.nu/u7b7
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.

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  (202): You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole. http://tfl.nu/s7os
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I just don't do feelings in the summer months.

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  (917): I just don't do feelings in the summer months. http://tfl.nu/zjg3
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic

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  (608): My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic http://tfl.nu/so38
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  (818): View more from California

  I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol

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  (818): I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol http://tfl.nu/sihy
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...

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  (512): I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair... http://tfl.nu/zi5i
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  (415): View more from California

  Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

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  (415): Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store. http://tfl.nu/kxjk
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  (914): View more from New York

  just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow

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  (914): just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow http://tfl.nu/fqfl
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado

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  (828): Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado http://tfl.nu/of4e
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.

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  (214): I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick. http://tfl.nu/4v25
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.

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  (815): Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off. http://tfl.nu/t0xa
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  (728): View more from

  We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.

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  (728): We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it. http://tfl.nu/6cc7
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.

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  (248): No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again. http://tfl.nu/jvet
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I just took the cheapest shot in your honor

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  (304): I just took the cheapest shot in your honor http://tfl.nu/u3ke
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.

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  (412): We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck. http://tfl.nu/ep1e
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.

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  (906): I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck. http://tfl.nu/hho5
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.

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  (208): Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind. http://tfl.nu/wqhb
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Why Weren't you wearing pants?

  (647): View more from Ontario

  because pants are for people with no imagination

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  (416): Why Weren't you wearing pants? (647): because pants are for people with no imagination http://tfl.nu/baiz
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual

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  (937): Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual http://tfl.nu/83u7
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.

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  (636): it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa. http://tfl.nu/cslo
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  they sound like some classy girls.

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.

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  (630): they sound like some classy girls. (1-630): Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting. http://tfl.nu/azgf
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?

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  (248): What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence? http://tfl.nu/gb31
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.

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  (270): No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call. http://tfl.nu/mofx
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening

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  (321): I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening http://tfl.nu/wlci
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.

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  (443): He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us. http://tfl.nu/2gzn
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Here's my first problem: I'm drunk

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  (517): Here's my first problem: I'm drunk http://tfl.nu/3w5g
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best

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  (443): I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best http://tfl.nu/exu8
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.

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  (920): I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable. http://tfl.nu/ga3p
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck

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  (412): I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck http://tfl.nu/1t6b
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!

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  (618): the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!! http://tfl.nu/py94
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  (315): View more from New York

  Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.

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  (315): Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking. http://tfl.nu/luay
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.

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  (908): This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar. http://tfl.nu/pvsf
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Why am I always the sober one?

  (641): View more from Iowa

  Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...

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  (515): Why am I always the sober one? (641): Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power... http://tfl.nu/bz1n
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  (936): View more from Texas

  I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.

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  (936): I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining. http://tfl.nu/kdvr
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  (530): View more from California

  At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.

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  (530): At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up. http://tfl.nu/1byu
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina

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  (902): Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina http://tfl.nu/gzz0
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.

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  (304): Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE. http://tfl.nu/c4re
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.

  (1-765): View more from Indiana

  And an everlasting friendship

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  (765): So that's all you want from me. Easy ass. (1-765): And an everlasting friendship http://tfl.nu/o4sh
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out

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  (970): I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out http://tfl.nu/cs49
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.

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  (404): Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs. http://tfl.nu/h5fh
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  (619): View more from California

  No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.

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  (619): No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch. http://tfl.nu/4axa
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  (818): View more from California

  WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD

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  (818): WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD http://tfl.nu/zdjc
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  (585): View more from New York

  By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.

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  (585): By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some. http://tfl.nu/uaz4
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  Hey there's a sandwich in there too!

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  (508): Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay (1-508): Hey there's a sandwich in there too! http://tfl.nu/8qf0
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.

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  (214): I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all. http://tfl.nu/v9t7
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.

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  (573): He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer. http://tfl.nu/1tmt
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  (716): View more from New York

  The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes

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  (716): The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes http://tfl.nu/9ioy
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.

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  (612): This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool. http://tfl.nu/kmsc
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.

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  (610): I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity. http://tfl.nu/4je5
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.

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  (715): haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate. http://tfl.nu/9gey
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