At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
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