You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Loading more great texts...