I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
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